Anthony Mackie Thinks A Woman’s Role Is To Make Daddy A Sandwich

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Yes, Anthony Mackie is one of those who wants his girlfriend to call him “daddy.”

Anthony Mackie’s mouth is on a roll! Anthony Mackie’s mouth got him into some shit the other day when he said in an interview with theGrio that Selma got snubbed at the Oscars, because people are tired of being bombarded with race. Anthony also said that black guys with dreadlocks shouldn’t be surprised when the police think they’re up to no good and they’re part of the police violence problem. Anthony cried that he was lied to and he was promised that his words were off the record, but theGrio delivered the receipts in the form of video of the interview that proved otherwise. And well, his mouth is back!

Anthony was on Wendy Williams and she brought up his thoughts on gender roles. Anthony, who has been with his girlfriend since the 2nd grade, told Wendy that he’s Southern so he believes that if a dude mows the lawn and opens up her car door, his woman better make him a goddamn sandwich and she better call him daddy. Even Wendy said that she’s grossed out by chicks who call their man “daddy.” But Anthony kept on and kept on and said that men want to be called daddy and they want that sandwich! The daddy and sandwich talks starts at around the 5:25 mark:

Kaley Cuoco just fell in love for real.

Never mind that you’re probably looking at me like, “Michael, stop playing and don’t act like you’ve never called a dude daddy before, you nasty, gross slut,” what is it with these “make me sammy” types always wanting a simple sandwich. It is 2015 and they should go harder. I mean, if they’re going to be doing hard labor like open a car door and push a lawn mower, they should except more than a simple sandwich. They should expect their woman to make the bread herself, slaughter the pig for the ham, grow her own lettuce, whip a bunch of eggs into mayo and while she’s doing that, she better iron his chonies before stitching the words “my daddy” into them. All he wants is a simple sandwich? Come on, Anthony!

And when Wendy asked Anthony what kind of sandwich his woman makes for daddy, he said, “Ham usually, but she adds this delicious spread that’s pretty slimy and green. Daddy loves it!

Miley’s Still The Most Badass Lil’ Chipmunk On The Block, Y’All

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

And the runner-up for Most Badass goes to TLC enthusiast Katy Perry, who is hiding behind that mess of face-obscuring purple hair. Sorry Katy, but a middle finger is still more badass than Manic Panic middle school mosh pit emo hair.

Both Katy Perry and No.1 badass Miley Cyrus were at something called the Daily Front Row Fashion Los Angeles Awards last night to celebrate their designer friend and guy who sort of looks like a human eraser-topped pencil Jeremy Scott, who was being honored with an award. And of course, those two made sure to serve up tons of high school dropout-turned-full time mallrat fuckery, because FASHION. They were also joined by Rihanna and Kanye West, who looked just so thrilled to be there. For real! Look at that smile!

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I bet that’s the same face Kanye makes when he gets a text from Kim that says “Sorry kurrent husbin, kant kum 2 Paris this weeknd. Maybe u kan do sumething with Riccardo instead?” Speaking of smiling, the photographer who caught Kanye grinning must have taken this picture from behind a potted plant or a group of models signing up for Leonardo DiCaprio’s next boat cruise, because according to Kanye, Kanye never smiles in photographs. During a speech at the Daily Front Row Fashion Thingy, Kanye told the audience:

“Back when I was working on Yeezus, I saw this book from the 1800s and it was velvet-covered with brass and everything. I looked at all these people’s photos and they look so real and their outfits were incredible and they weren’t smiling and people, you know the paparazzi, always come up to me, ‘Why you not smiling?’ and I think, not smiling makes me smile. When you see paintings in an old castle, people are not smiling cause it just wouldn’t look as cool.”

They didn’t smile because it wouldn’t look as cool? Kanye, you dummy, people in old-ass castle paintings aren’t smiling because toilets weren’t invented yet and everything smelled like doo doo and people were dying from the super plague and nobody took showers. Hell, if that was my life, I wouldn’t be smiling either.

Here’s more from last night including Kanye NOT SMILING and Miley smiling all the goofy hillbilly smiles:

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com, Splash

Open Post: Hosted By Joaquin Phoenix Looking Hot In Paris

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

 

During that douche bag performance (f)artist phase of Joaquin Phoenix’s career (“You’re going to have to be more specific.” – you), he looked like a dog’s hairy dingle berry that had been nibbled on by ants. Yes, I still would’ve hit it, but I would’ve ended up with a b-hole full of fleas and a mouth full of cheese. That rhymes! But after that whole stunt, the CDC and Hazmat worked together to clean Joaquin Phoenix up and bring out his hotness once again. Here he is at the premiere of Inherent Vice in Paris last night.

You know, Joaquin should really give Johnny Depp the card of the Hazmat team who cleaned him up and also let Johnny know that it’s okay to embrace the hotness. We’ll still see him as an eccentric and quirky artiste if he does. Joaquin probably looks good to my eyes because he’s working that founding fathers hair. Nothing makes your nipples stand up like a grown man in a bob. The Sexetary of Energy knows exactly what I’m talking about.

 

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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Jennifer Lopez Took Some Time Out Of Her Busy “Boy Next Door” Hustling Schedule To Throw A Little Shade At Mimi

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

At the same time, JLo’s titties took some time out of their busy schedule to pop out and remind you that JLo is still sexy. You know, just in case you’ve forgotten. JLo’s titties are on top of things like that. During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked living bottle of NARS Orgasm illuminator Jennifer Lopez if she only had one night in Las Vegas, who’s show would she rather see: the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels of Britney Spears or the drowsy pre-recorded vocal yodels Mariah Carey. I was hoping JLo would pull a Mimi and answer “Mariah Carey…Mariah Carey…I don’t know her“, but she didn’t, because JLo wanted to yank Mimi’s wig a little harder than that by answering:

“Britney, cause she dances.”

I was waiting for JLo to add “…unlike Mariah, who does nothing but lumber around the stage like a sedated moose”, but she didn’t, because subtlety is the name of the game when you’re throwing shade. Then again, maybe that was actually a reverse read on Brit Brit, since we all know the only “dancing” you’ll see at a Brit Brit show is that drunk-aunt-at-a-family-BBQ full-body sway thing she does.

Either way, I eagerly anticipate the moment Mimi wakes up from her 5 hour mid-afternoon glitter nap and realizes that shimmer-spackled hussy JLo is talking shit about her and is like “Bitch, I got moves. You ever see me trying to get into a pair of Spanx?

But Mimi wasn’t the only person who got a free ride to the burn ward from JLo. Joining her was Marc Anthony, Casper Smart, and all the other busted-faced hos JLo has humped on. When asked to describe her type, JLo said:

“I’m not a looks person. I don’t know if you noticed over the years. I go more for essence, for strength…sexy is important, but I don’t feel like good looking is necessarily sexy. I thought they were all hot. Other people might be like, ‘What the hell was she thinking? but I don’t care.”

Upon hearing this, Skeletor hissed “How RUDE! I’ll have you know a lot of near-sighted sorceresses in Snake Mountain find me very good looking“. Unfortunately, Casper Smart was unavailable for comment, as he is currently serving as a face model at that hospital in the Twilight Zone. Hey, a check is a check.

NOOOOOOO: SkyMall Files For Bankruptcy

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Why didn’t I buy that booze-dispensing golf club even though I don’t play golf and never want to? Why didn’t I buy that amazingly exquisite Carmen Miranda chihuahua shirt when I had the chance? Or the guitar doorbell? Or the jizz shoe?  If only all of us bought one thing in the SkyMall catalog, they might not be headed toward the cloud graveyard in the sky.

The Wall Street Journal (via Buzzfeed) sadly reports that everyone’s former favorite time waster in the sky, SkyMall, filed for bankruptcy today, because they’re broke. SkyMall made around $33 million in 2013 and their revenue took a major nosedive last year. They brought in a little under $16 million in 9 months. SkyMall’s CEO Scott Wiley says that they’re struggling to stay alive in this iPhone, WiFi world:

“With the increased use of electronic devices on planes, fewer people browsed the SkyMall in-flight catalog,” said CEO Scott Wiley in court filings. The lifting of regulations that prohibited using cell phones during takeoff and landing was among the magazine’s final death knells.

Wiley said the costs of printed products have also made carrying the magazine “unattractive” for airlines. Delta terminated its contract with SkyMall in August.

There’s hope, though. Scott Wiley says that they’re looking for a buyer.

SkyMall wasn’t only about the amazing products that you’d never ever use. The writing was poetry and the modeling was next level. I never understood why a contract with SkyMall wasn’t a prize on America’s Next Top Model.

I should have known that we would have to pay a price for being able to play with our dumb phones during takeoff and landing. I should have known that something would have to be sacrificed. Is it worth it? NO! We have to go back! We have to go back! We have to put down our iPhones and pick up SkyMall or gorgeous products like this beautiful Marc Anthony statue will be gone forever.

2014-02-04-Zombie

Save SkyMall!

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Lindsay Lohan Blew Off Her Community Service And Is Blaming It On The Mosquito That Bit Her

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

I guess “It’s the mosquito’s fault!” is the new “The black kid was driving!

Yes, we’re doing this again. Well, the joke’s on all of us whores who thought that Lindsay Lohan was actually to leave the delusion and self-entitlement in 2014 and shock the world by actually getting her shit together.

TMZ says that on Wednesday, we may get another court room fashion show, because LiLo is supposed to show her face in front of a judge after she allegedly didn’t complete all of her community service hours. LiLo had until November 6, 2014 to show the court that she finished all 240 hours of her community service. But on that day, her lawyer Shawn Holley could only prove that she did half of those hours. The judge gave LiLo until next Wednesday to complete all 240 hours, but a source tells TMZ she isn’t even close to finishing.

The judge in L.A. allowed LiLo to do her community service in London. LiLo’s excuse is that the community service center in London was closed for 2 weeks for the holidays. She was going to finish her hours after the center opened up again, but she got struck down with that Chumbawamba virus and ended up in the hospital. As TMZ points out, LiLo got the virus while vacationing in Bora Bora instead of doing her community service in London.

TMZ says that LiLo could end up in jail if she doesn’t finish all her community service by January 28th.

Oh please, the chance of me getting knocked up with Prince Hot Ginge’s baby is greater than the chance of Lindsay Lohan going to jail. The judge will probably let her go after she argues that she did Speed-The-Plow in London and that should count as community service since she gifted the public with her amazing talent and youthful beauty. We all know what’s really going to happen. As soon as LiLo tells the judge that a mosquito kept her from doing community service, the judge is going to order the LAPD to use all of their resources to track down that mosquito and bring it in. LiLo can do no wrong so it has to be that mosquito’s fault. Jail that mosquito immediately! That’s if it didn’t turn green and melt as soon as it bit into her.

Charlize Theron’s Son Jackson Might Be Known As Jackson Penn Soon

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m not sure what’s going on with Sean Penn’s face in this picture, but I will say it reminds me of the time I fell asleep on a sandwich. Make of that what you will. The last time we checked in with human-sized piece of clogged shower drain hair Sean Penn, he had maybe slipped an engagement ring on Charlize Theron’s mistake makin’ finger. And now, according to UsWeekly, he’s also slipped some adoption papers into her hand, because he wants to be her son Jackson’s legal daddy. That mistake makin’ hand sure is busy. A source says:

“Sean always knew that to truly earn a place in Charlize’s heart, connecting with Jackson was one of the most important parts.”

And Jackson might not be the only kid cringing at the thought of having to call a ragey piece of Jack Links jerky “Pep-Pep”; according to the source, Charlize and Sean are also thinking about adopting a baby. Literally every womb-dwelling baby in the greater Los Angeles area just got really nervous. Sean already has two children (Dylan, 23, and Hopper, 21) from the time he was married to Robin Wright. But unlike Sean’s biological children, Jackson and New Baby will never have to worry about inheriting their father’s regurgitated prune face.

The only silver lining to getting adopted by Sean Penn that I can think of is that he’s already 54, which means that by the time Jackson is old enough to know who his dad is, Sean Penn will already be well into his napping-on-the-couch years. At least I hope he will be. Usually by the time you hit 60, your phone-throwing asshole years are behind you.

Things That Make Me Feel Old: Dlisted Turns 10 Today!

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Ten years ago today, I was still in my 20s, I was living in NYC, my dog didn’t have any grey hair yet, my bloated gut wasn’t as bloated, Brit Brit was married to KFed, Martha Stewart was in the clink, we were sort of a Kim Kartrashian-free world and I started this mess of a blog that is now called Dlisted. Dlisted started out as The D-list and I named it that, because in my mind I was only going to write about has-beens. That idea was flushed down the toilet almost immediately. Back then, I read a lot of Pink Is The New Blog, Page Six Six Six (now PerezHilton.com) and Whatevs.org, and they all inspired me to throw up my own crap on the Internet. I blogged mostly to kill time and I didn’t think that anybody but maybe my friends would read the dumb crap I posted.

I started “The D-list” on Blogger and I had to change the name when I moved to a different platform about a year later, because TheDList.com was taken (and 10 years later, those whores are still sitting on it). When I moved off of Blogger, I couldn’t move my posts over for whatever reason. The old Blogger site is still up and it’s like an abandoned fairground of fuckery covered with broken glass, dirty condoms, overused exclamation points and shattered crack pipes. I read many of my first posts last night and today my face is about as wrinkly as a Shar Pei’s asshole skin from cringing so much. But then again, I cringe when I read stuff I wrote yesterday. If you think I’m being melodramatic as usual and exaggerating about my earlier posts, here’s one of the very, very first things I blogged:

secondpostdlisted

That’s it. Johnny Carson died and my fingers farted up less than 20 words with zero information and a random note about how Courtney Love was in my 2005 death pool. Well, ten years later, Courtney Love, Dlisted and I are still alive!

It’s very, very weird to me that I still get to pull myself out of bed, put on cut-off sweat shorts and type shit about famous messes. It’s even more weird to me that people still read it. And I get to do that because of you hos. Don’t worry, I’m not going to start reciting the lyrics to Bette Midler songs or anything. But I do want to send a thank you balloon bouquet to everyone who has clicked on Dlisted, left a comment, reads this crap and has sent me e-mails, both nice and cunty. I am forever grateful that you choose to waste your time and brain cells on Dlisted. I also want to thank (“What is this? The fucking People’s Choice Awards?” – you) past and current contributors Lahoma, Sweetas, Jack-N-The-Hat, J. Harvey, Megan and my partner in foolery Allison for writing words for Dlisted.

And now that Dlisted is 10 years old, maybe it’ll finally hit puberty and grow the hell up. Not a chance.

Pic: Wenn.com

Taylor Swift Is Full Of Shady Secrets And Her Fans Are The Worst People In The World, So Says Diplo

January 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Just when you thought the messy middle-school slap fight between student council president Taylor Swift and the kid who thinks he’s a DJ because Mr. Montgomery lets him press play on the stereo at school dances Diplo was over, it appears we’re going to need to call over the recess monitor, because DJ Diplo is starting shit again.

During a recent interview with GQ, Diplo was asked about that time Richmond Avenal’s little sister Lorde dragged him on Twitter for having a tiny dick after he dragged Taylor Swift for having no ass. Since Diplo is a gossip-hissing 13-year-old girl trapped in the body of a grown-ass man, he responded in the way that felt most natural of him: by continuing to hiss at Taylor, as well as her fans. Cue up your “oh here go hell come” gifs now.

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