R. Kelly’s Housekeeper Accused Him Of Sexually Harassing Her

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Sucio creepy pervs unite! Nothing makes my b-hole close up like a picture of Uncle Terry and R. Kelly throwing their fists up and my b-hole never closes up!

Page Six says that another sexual harassment lawsuit has been added to the mountain of sexual abuse lawsuits that Lady CaCa’s partner in foolery has been hit with and settled in the past. Page Six recently learned that in 2010, R. Kelly’s 36-year-old housekeeper of a year hit him with a lawsuit after he allegedly filled her ear holes with dirty talk and groped her. R. Kelly didn’t want to take it to court, so they settled for $100,000. A source tells Page Six that lately shit hasn’t been all rainbows and strawberry-scented piss in R. Kelly’s camp. They’re all scared that more secrets from the underage girls he had sex with and paid off are about to come out. Last year, The Village Voice ran an interview with Chicago-Sun Times pop music critic Jim DeRogatis who has spent 15 years reporting about how R. Kelly has had sex with and manipulated dozens of underage girls in Chicago. R. Kelly has never been convicted of child touching. Many of the cases settled without going to trial.

Well, I guess R. Kelly’s an equal-opportunity creepy piece of trash, because this time he did wrong things to someone who’s actually over the age of 18. And if you’re like me, then every time you see an R. Kelly headline your first thought is, “But did he piss on her?” I hate that about my brain.

And I won’t be surprised if Hollywood greenlights a PedoBear biopic co-directed by Bryan Singer and Woody Allen with art direction by Uncle Terry and music by R. Kelly.

Pic: Terry Richardson

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Pete Doherty’s Is Somebody’s Father For The Third Time

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

A strange things keeps happening… Human women are still willingly fucking Pete “Dreamboat” Doherty without lining their coochie tunnels with Tyvek and covering themselves with liquid antibiotics before squeezing into two full-body condoms specially made by NASA. Human chicks with working brains are still letting Dreamboat bust raw nuts up in ‘em and I’m guessing those chicks are the same kind of chicks who fap while watching zombie porn. Dreamboat tells the Israeli newspaper Ynet (via Crave) that he’s into reuniting with The Libertines, but only because his checking account has got tumbleweeds blowing through it, his wallet’s only got an IOU receipt from his crack dealer in it and he’s got ANOTHER mouth to feed.

A couple of days ago, a map of Hyde Park went up on The Libertines’ Facebook page and some hos took that to mean that they were going to perform a reunion show there. Dreamy says that they got an offer to reunite and he had to say yes to it, because he’s so desperate for money that he’s about to suck off his dealer for a half-smoked rock (really, who hasn’t been there?).

“I don’t know if I’m supposed to even tell you this, but we were offered to reform the Libertines for a show this July in Hyde Park. I got the call just yesterday. I said yes. The thing is when I think about it now it was kind of a strange answer because I think in most days if you asked me the same question I would say no, but recently I tried to call Carl (Barat) and couldn’t reach him. Not long ago I listened to The Libertines songs on YouTube and had a burst of nostalgia so I said what the heck, and then they told me how much they will pay us and I cannot lie to you I couldn’t say no, at least not in my state right now.”

Dreamy is really, really hard up for cash, because he just found out that living in this world is a third child who will one day take his daddy’s old crack pipe to school on Show and Tell day.

“I was recently called to family law court after a young girl I knew had told me I was the father of her baby. I have a year and a half old girl and I need to pay a lot of alimony, I’m in debt. It’s very complicated for me to say no right now. I have financial problems.”

Dreamy has a 10-year-old son named Astile with singer Lisa Moorish and a 2-year-old daughter named Aisling with a South African model.

If Dreamy really needs a quick check, he should submit his body to science for testing. Scientists can find out how is it possible that his liver and the rest of his internal organs haven’t melted and dribbled out of his asshole by now. While they’re in there, they can also study his drunk jizz to find out how it’s possible that they’re able to find a stranger’s ovaries while they’re boozed up and high on who knows what. I mean, when I’m really drunk and stoned, I can barely find the toilet I use every day, but yet Dreamy’s drunk jizz seem to always find their way. He truly is a freak of nature.

“We Regret To Inform That The Carters Will Not Be Attending Your Second Reality Show Wedding”

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

On top of everything else she has to to do get ready for her wedding (botox, botox, ass injections, botox) Satan’s drowsiest hooker Kim Kardashian now has to reconfigure the seating plan, because according to The Daily Mail, a source has told The Sun (do you have a grain of salt? Give it to me) that Beyoncé and Jay Z have returned their RSVP card with a giant X written in the box marked “Declining invitation”. And it’s not because it would have been too difficult for Beyoncé’s giant ego to compete for attention with giant ego of the bride, Kanye West.

The source claims that Jay Camel wanted to be at Kanye’s wedding and celebrate the sacred bond between a man and his plastic Real Doll, but after finding out that the wedding was going to be filmed for an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and that E! had no interest in renaming the show Beyoncé & Jay Z: Guests At A Wedding, they asked to have their names removed from the guest list. However, Jay Z plans on making it up to Kanye by throwing him a huge bachelor party, and renting out a $100,000 yacht for his honeymoon. And Beyoncé plans on making it up to Kim by mailing her one of her old busted butt pads that was fished from the trash by an assistant with a note that says “This is for Kanye’s reality show girlfriend – XO BEY” 

And speaking of trash, here’s Kim scooching her cheap ass around Los Angeles with Kourtney Kardashian-Disick, and showing what happens when you loan a pair of jeans to Khloe.

Pic: Instagram, Splash

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Magic Drawing Slate! 

Oh, the 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s were a simpler time when our iPads didn’t have to be charged, didn’t have apps and were made of cardboard. The Magic Slate was the original iPad and it was a step below an Etch-A-Sketch and it a step above drawing pictures in the dirt with your finger. You’d use that little red stylus thing to draw on the acetate curtain and when you were done and wanted to draw something else, you’d just lift that shit up and start again. I went through at least a dozen of these things, because they were kind of cheap, were sold at grocery stores and I’d fuck up ‘em fast. I always lost that little red pencil dick pen, so I had to use the back of a regular pen, which sometimes tore through that grey sheet. My sister and I would use the shit out of them during road trips. I remember sitting in the backseat with her and I’d write the word “FUCK” on my Magic Slate in big letters, show it to her and then lift up the curtain so I could write “YOU” on it. The Magic Slate gave me such beautiful brother/sister memories.

And more importantly, why didn’t I ever have a Labyrinth Magic Slate?

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Birthday Sluts

April 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Jack Nicholson (77)
Amber Heard (28)
Amelle Berrabah (30)
Michelle Ryan (30)
Willie Robertson (42)
Eric Mabius (43)
Ingo Rademacher (43)
Sherri Shephard (47)
Sheryl Lee (47)
Jeffrey Dean Morgan (48)
Ryan Styles (55)
Peter Frampton (64)
John Waters (68)
Glen Campbell (78)
Charlotte Rae (88)

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Bryan Singer’s Accuser Names More Names

April 21, 2014 / Posted by:

When Jeff Herman, the lawyer of Michael Egan who is suing Bryan Singer for allegedly drugging and raping him when he was a teenager, said in a press conference last week that they would be naming more names and filing more lawsuits, the pedos of Hollywood all shook right out of their assholes. Today in yet ANOTHER press conference, Jeff Herman announced that they have filed civil suits in Hawaii against Garth Ancier, David Neuman and Gary Goddard. Michael Egan alleges that all of them sexually used and abused him when he was just 15 years old.

Jeff Herman said that Garth, David and Gary were all part of that pedo sex ring of “Hollywood power players” who fed drugs to underage twinks and kept them as their sex toys while promising to make them STARS! Michael claims that all three of them forced him to take mind-altering shit before raping him. This allegedly happened from when Michael was 15 to when he was 17 and it happened at that gay orgy estate in Encino and also in Hawaii.

Garth Ancier was apparently a major bitch in TV and is the former president of NBC, The WB, Fox, BBC Worldwide and Disney TV. He also created The Rickie Lake Show (NOT THE RICKIE LAKE SHOW! WHYYYYYYY GOD WHY?) and greenlit The West Wing. David Neuman was also the president of Disney TV at one point and the chief programming officer of CNN. Gary Goddard directed the Masters of the Universe movie and since then he’s produced a few off-Broadway shows. Of course two out of three of them were head hos at Disney. Of course!

David Neuman has already denied all of this on Twitter.

I usually believe in that “innocent until proven guilty” shit, but not this time and not when it comes to Gary Goddard. I mean, he’s already assaulted my childhood by shitting all over He-Man with that wet turd he tried to pass off as a movie. GUILTY!

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Night Crumbs

April 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Panty Creamer of the Day: Matt Boner in Out Magazine. I’ll leave you to chew his pit fur with your eyes – Towleroad

A beefy, hairy B. Coop and his girl beard are still together and if they’re going to keep doing this they should really coordinate their looks, because he’s giving me “bear dad trying to go incognito while trolling for dick in a park bathroom” and she’s giving me “shit I bought at Carol Channing’s yard sale” – Lainey Gossip

Thank GOD (no, literally thank GOD) that Jesus rose from the dead or we wouldn’t have these pictures of models in bunny ears – Drunken Stepfather

Emma Stone has probably been reading the comments here – Celebitchy

One bleached blond whose lips are usually covered in red car paint is replacing a bleached blond whose lips are usually covered in red car paint on The VoiceReality Tea

“Keep fucking that rabbit” is 2014′s “Keep fucking that chicken”Jezebel

Johnny Depp’s box office appeal (sans that Pirates of the Caribbean shit) is falling along with his hotness – Defamer

This Thai PSA also proves that surprise parties are generally the worst and always ruin everything – Buzzfeed

I see that Vanessa Hudgens is still in character as the mess she played in Spring Breakers - Hollywood Tuna

Even Lea Michele’s nipples are annoying - The Superficial

Leighton Meester is wearing a busted dress that a bride would make her bridesmaids wear if she really, really hated their asses – Popoholic

If you’re ever out of Ambien, just stare at these pictures of Ashley Greene leaving the gym while holding a water bottle – IDLYITW

Julia Roberts talks about the dead sister who hated her – ICYDK

And I bet Simon Cowell made his party guests lick that Viagra ice cream off of his juicy man tits – OMG Blog

Leonardo DiCaprio might play Steve Jobs – HuffPo

The Photoshop Lifetime Achievement Award: Famous hos posing with their younger (and pre-Botoxed) selves – The Berry

Robin Williams’ mansion looks like one of the nicer Hiltons – Popsugar

BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence’s hair is growing – Just Jared

Pic: OUT

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Open Post: Hosted By Chicken Cutlets At Coachella

April 21, 2014 / Posted by:

The forever Queen of the Ho Stroll and the greatest supermodel without a Barbizon degree has been laying low and I’m guessing it’s because the paparazzi stopped returning her texts the ho stroll has been littered with such trash heap heffas and gutter garbage like the Jenners and Kardashians and it’s not the A-list glamour trail it was once. But Phoebe Price was back where she belongs, in front of the paparazzzi’s camera lenses, over the weekend at Coachella.

While all those under-the-barrel fames whores at Coochella tried too hard by doing themselves up like they were attacked by an Urban Outfitters outlet and the costume closet of a production of Peter Pan, PP kept is simple, demure and classic. Classic is wearing a dress that looks like something a brothel whore would wear during caveman times and an Alexis Carrington-approved funeral hat. PP probably wore that funeral hat, because being at Coachella makes you want to mourn the current state of ~fashun~.

Pics: Pacific Coast News, Wenn.com

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The Magazine Interview Where Lindsay Lohan Drinks Vodka The Entire Time And Says She’s Screwing A Married Man With Kids

April 21, 2014 / Posted by:

Lindsay Lohan’s on the cover of some magazine I’ve never heard of called KODE doing the “shitting next to a dumpster in the alleyway behind a club” pose and inside the magazine she shits all over Jennifer Lawrence, Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe and shits all over her so-called sobriety by guzzling down vodka the entire time. Just Jared has a scan of the interview and it has more typos than your average Dlisted post and the only way I’ll believe it 100% is if LiLo says it’s all a lie (because her mouth’s got an opposite filter on it). KODE Magazine’s writer claims they were with LiLo in L.A., NYC and at Coachella and they watched her drink margaritas and drink vodka out of an Evian bottle at Coachella. The magazine also tells The Daily Mail that she did Ecstasy the first night of Coochella. During the interview, she became America’s #1 most wanted terrorist when she threw hate at America’s sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence and declared that she’d never fuck for roles (only 8-balls and second row seats at fashions shows). More hilariousness ahead:

On Jared Leto: “All my friends love Jared, we’ve been on and off for years.”

On Jennifer Lawrence: “She’s so fake and I’m sorry I’m not going to fuck for roles.”

On Chupa Zoe: “She stole a lot of my shit, designers would send me stuff and she would just keep it. That’s shady.”

On the married man she’s doing: “Oh this guy I’m seeing sent me a jet because he wants to see me, but he’s married with kids.”

On L.A.: “I really hate LA. I should have just listened to my mom and never moved out here. It just really wasn’t the best decision for me.”

At the end of the article, KODE says that LiLo complained about morning sickness and told them she thinks the dude she’s doing in London (read: a john) knocked her up. LiLo supposedly told them this right before she left for Coachella, but on her OWN reality shit show, she says she was pregnant months ago when filming started. LiLo’s spokeswhore told The Daily Mail that she did do a Q&A over email with KODE, but they closed their lips and refused to respond when asked about her boozing.

Lindsay Lohan is dumber than a dried-up coke booger, but I don’t think she’s dumb enough to fill her rubber mouth with the sweet nectar in front of a magazine writer while she’s trying to convince all of us that she’s the poser child for sobriety. KODE either made it all up or they’ve been had. If the “Lindsay Lohan” they interviewed constantly talked shit about that shady bitch Cookie Puss and regularly asked the writer for a Parliament in exchange for a hand job, it wasn’t LiLo. It was White Oprah in a teased Raggedy Ann wig.

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