The Simpson and Ross families are now bound together forever. This is the world we live in.
Ashlee Simpson must have been doing her latest pregnancy the Jessica Simpson way, because it felt like that baby was holed up in her womb for years. People says that baby finally decided to come out yesterday and remind Ashlee Simpson what her born nose looked like. Ashlee and her husband of almost a year Evan Ross (government name: Evan Olav Næss) are now parents to a baby girl. This baby is Ashlee’s second, Evan Ross’ first and Miss Ross’ third grandchild. There aren’t many details (and I know that gave you the frowns since you truly care about Ashlee Simpson’s life), but a source did tell People* that Ashlee was suffering from a case of acid-reflux, so she had to lip-synch all her screams and moans during labor.
We don’t know the baby’s name, because I’m sure Ashlee hasn’t found a tabloid who will pay for that news yet.
As all of us who keep up with fucked-up celebrity child names know, Ashlee and Pete Wentz named their now 6-year-old son Bronx Mowgli Wentz (BMW). So I hope Ashlee keeps with the whole “NYC borough, Rudyard Kipling character” theme by naming their daughter Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross.
Here’s Ashlee and Evan at Bed, Bath and Beyond a few days ago.
* That’s a lie.
Yesterday, People said that Christine Ouzounian, the nanny who is supposedly in love with Ben Affleck, went to the Bahamas with him, Jennifer Garner and their kids in June. That was the trip they took to hide out as news of their divorce broke. Jennifer apparently sent Christine to the unemployment line shortly after that trip, because she found out that ho was getting on Ben Affleck. E! News is now saying that Christine and Ben bumped genitals during that trip and that’s why Jennifer Garner fired her. I guess in Jennifer Garner’s world, the answer to the question “It’s 10pm, do you know where your children are?” is: Not with the nanny, because she’s blowing Ben Affleck.
For a quick second yesterday, the Internet temporarily moved its rage from that lion-killing cunt dentist-on-the-run to Jennifer Beals for leaving her German Shepherd in the car while she went off to do stuff in West Vancouver. While Jennifer was doing stuff (probably kicking kittens, strangling bunnies and setting puppies on fire), her German Shepherd sat in the car and a few people, including a reporter for Global News, noticed and called her out.
Son, all I’m sayin’ is if you add 11 herbs and spices to the communion wafers, they’ll be coming back every week. – Seven
I knew JFC and KFC were related. – Loser_The_Cat_Herder
KBG84, Japan’s premiere group of singing memaws! Destiny’s Child, who? Spice Girls, huh? The Supremes, eh? KBG84 is the only girl group we need.
I’m sure that if any of us made it to our 90s, we’d spend our days screaming at brats and getting drunk under the car port. But these Japanese grandmas spend their days coming up with sweet moves and laying down some hot beats. KBG84 is a music group of 33 memaws who are taking Japan by storm. Cosmopolitan says that KBG84 is from the island of Kohima island in Okinawa and the youngest member is 80 and the most seasoned member is 97.
They’ve recorded an entire album and brought bitches to their knees in a sold out tour through Japan. According to The Telegraph, the Japanese abuelitas of KBG84 are considered “idols” in their country and the “queen bee” of the group says that she thought that was a nice of way of saying, “You dead soon, girl.”
“When I first heard someone call us ‘idols’ I thought an idol meant someone who had lived a long life and was at the gates of heaven. But in Tokyo they told me it was an entertainer – which was a relief because I thought it meant I was on my way to heaven. I hadn’t even been to Tokyo or Osaka. I wanted to go there before I went to heaven. Going to Tokyo for the first time, I thought I was so lucky to be born. I got to meet my grandchildren. I’ll never forget it. I was moved to tears.”
KBG84’s first single is a wholesome song about whales in the sea and dolphins doing somersaults. That’s how it starts. A group’s first album is always G-rated. In their sophomore album, expect them to bring the edge by singing about getting fucked up at the club and stealing your man. Then they’ll exchange quick diss tracks in their Meek Mill vs. Drake-like feud with rival memaw group Buranovskiye Babushki. Eventually, they’ll break up when the “queen bee” decides she wants to go solo. I can’t wait!
Pic: Daisuke Yajima
Geraldine Chaplin (71)
Rico Rodriguez (17)
Alexis Knapp (26)
Zelda Williams (26)
Charlie Carver (27)
B.J. Novak (36)
Annie Parisse (40)
Ben Chaplin (46)
Dean Cain (49)
J.K. Rowling (50)
Wesley Snipes (53)
Mark Cuban (57)
Michael Biehn (59)
Don Murray (86)
Brad Pitt is in London for Guy Ritchie’s wedding, which happened today, and that’s probably why he shaved off most of his billy goat beard and looks like he spent time in a shower. Brad almost had it all the way together, but then he just had to wear that hat he obviously stole from the head of a dead hobo – Lainey Gossip
The New York courts rejected Kelly Rutherford’s custody case, so she’ll be hopping the White House fence and running on the lawn while screaming, “Ayudame, Obama,” in 3..2… – Celebitchy
The Hulk Hogan leaked sex tape is gross in several ways, but at least it has taught me that “carny” wrestling talk is an amazingly advanced code language. I mean, who would ever guess that “blizz-ack gizz-uys“ is carny for “black guys.” Not even Alan Turing himself could figure that out – The Superficial
Giant hairy tit Donald Trump is disgusted by tit milk – WWTDD
Oh, don’t mind Lindsay Lohan, she’s just trying to pull out the necklace she hid up her culo while jewelry shopping earlier – Drunken Stepfather
Saying that Joanna Krupa’s pussy smells like an outdoor fish market during the month of August has cost Brandi Glanville $50,000 in legal fees so far – Reality Tea
A Married with Children spin-off may happen, so says Bud Bundy – Egotastic
Jose Canseco is going to dress like a woman for a week, because he wants to honor Caitlyn Jenner, but mostly because he needs people to pay attention to him – Jezebel
Connecticut has a hot chef and this is what he looks like without a top on – Towleroad
Kourtney Kardashian is most likely knocked up with her next few Life & Style cover stories – IDLYITW
That mother of the bride dress ain’t it, but Winnie Cooper still looks good – Hollywood Tuna
That eyeshadow ain’t it, but Salma Hayek’s magnificent chichis still look magnificent – Popoholic
Teresa Giudice needs to sue herself and her husband, because I’m pretty sure they’re the reasons why she’s in prison – Just Jared
AWWWWWWWWW… I actually felt something for a second – The Berry
Jason Alexander would like everyone to know that he’s not the Jason Alexander who got busted for child porn – SOW
This is what Guy Ritchie’s English countryside wedding looked like – Popsugar
Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence hung out. I’m surprised the Internet didn’t implode from this information – HuffPo
Morrissey claims his carrot and potatoes got groped by the TSA at San Francisco International Airport and is letting everyone know that if you want to get your bits grabbed, that’s the place to go – Queerty
Everyone can go ahead and stop giving their opinion on that asshole dentist killing Cecil the Lion, because the only voice that matters has finally bestowed her thoughts upon us. As everyone raged, I wondered, “But what does Betty White think?” I finally got my answer. The 93-year-old international treasure and gift to living things is hosting a block of animal specials for Discovery in August called “Pawgust” and while promoting it, she told the Associated Press what she thinks of Walter Palmer.
“You don’t want to hear some of the things I want to do to that man. It’s such a heartbreaker. You can’t even talk about it, and to see this king of the jungle and personifying it in every way, this gorgeous creature. How can somebody do that?”
I bet that after reading that statement, Eli Roth wondered what would Betty White do to that man if they were locked in a room together. And then Eli Roth took his ass to a movie studio to pitch Hostel: Part IV – Betty White v. Trophy Hunters.
Kylie Jenner, the human child underneath all those pounds of makeup, filters, matte shellac and collagen, is turning 18 on August 10th and she wouldn’t be Pimp Mama Kris’ kid if she didn’t use her birthday to make hundreds of thousands of dollars. Kylie is going to celebrate her birthday at a beach club in Montreal where she can get drunk out in the open, because the legal drinking age in Québec is 18. Well, at least she can legally drown her sorrows in the sweet nectar after Tyga dumps her in a text because she’s too old for him now.
TMZ says that clubs in the US can’t give the Kim Kardashian kosplayer a check to celebrate her 18th birthday with them, because she’s still not of drinking age. So she’ll host her “official” 18th birthday party on August 16th at Beachclub Montreal, which is a mini party island. The club’s owner, Olivier Primeau, says that Kylie will make her grand entrance in a helicopter, which will land on a boat that will dock next to her table full of champagne. Kylie’s presence will cost the club somewhere between $100,000 to $200,000. Her 18th birthday party will be JUST like mine, except I didn’t get paid 1 cent and instead of getting drunk on champagne at a club in Montreal, I got drunk on beer and wine coolers while listening to the Spice Girls in the backyard of the house my friend was watching.
But really, if you’re wondering what Hell is like, go to Beachclub Montreal on August 16th and feel your soul shrivel up into a ball as you surround yourself with drunken douchebags who are willing to pay a cover charge to party sort of near Kylie Jenner. But you know, it isn’t true that Kylie can’t legally drink in the US. Kylie is a serious business woman, owns a house and she rides in private jets with Kunty Karl. There’s a law in the US called “The Special Kase Law” that states that any minor can do grown people stuff like date grown men and drink booze as long as they go to business meetings and ride in private jets with Kunty Karl. Ask Khlozilla, she knows.
And here’s Kylie going to some restaurant with The Slow One last night. If you’re wondering how Kylie got her “natural curves,” then I’m guessing you’ve never heard of someone called a plastic surgeon. No, apparently Kylie got her curves from using “enhancement cream,” which she hawked on Instagram today. I’m guessing the secret ingredient in that “enhancement cream” is snake oil. Too bad she can’t smear that “enhancement cream” on Kim’s brain.
Artist Daniel Edwards, the Michelangelo of pure fuckery, is back and is once again burning our brains with his art. Daniel is the HIGH ART mastermind who melted our eyeballs with his Britney Spears birthing statute, his OctoMom butt plug, his Brangeloonie monument and so on and so on…
Daniel’s latest work is a Scientology shroud of the cult’s reigning empress Tommy Girl in all his naked glory. My eyes don’t know whether to burn from that boy band hair or from his dick and balls looking like a ram head door knocker. E! News says that to “celebrate” Tommy’s 25 years with Scientology, Daniel worked with the Cory Allen Contemporary Art in St. Petersburg, FL to create the shroud and some commemorative coins. A press release says that the shroud and the coins will be on display at a “pop-up of the Church of Scientology” near Scientology’s headquarters in Clearwater, FL. Both Tommy and Scientology had nothing to do with this messiness and you can tell, because if they did, his already exaggerated dick and balls would be bigger, he’d be five feet taller, David Miscavige’s lips would be on that ass and dozens of Scientology slave boys would be worshiping at his feet.
Even though Tommy had nothing to do with the making of that shit, Daniel Edwards shouldn’t be surprised if he receives a mysterious phone call from someone asking him to make a life-sized rubber sculpture of that shroud and to please put a pre-lubed hole in between the ass cheeks. The caller will tell Daniel that he can put the order under the name “Jack Hunt.”