As Larry learned, outside of a Carvel’s, asking for a cookie puss means something altogether different. – Sheena
Whore d’oeurves – OurMissC
This vintage picture of Vin Diesel that’s the place where the definition of “sensual” goes when it needs inspiration.
Anybody who has seen the video of Vin Diesel delicately crooning out RiRi’s “Stay” knows that he’s a muscled-up vessel of sensuality and sensitivity, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that he redefines “sensual” over and over again when he takes a normal, casual morning shower. Yesterday, Groot gifted his Facebook fans with this old picture of him casually washing his body. So far it has almost 2 million likes and close to 85,000 comments. The comments range from hos creaming at their finger tips (and other parts) over their living adonis getting wet to hos calling him gay for posing in the shower, bruh. Say what you want about Vin, but you cannot deny that he’s a living Sade ballad if a Sade ballad spent 10 hours a day in the gym and guzzled down a blended steak and Muscle Milk protein shake every 4 hours.
That picture looks like an ad for Calgon shower gel that came with the Men of Chippendales 1993 wall calendar that my mom’s middle-aged, horny co-worker hung over her work area right next to the birthday card featuring a hot, naked dude holding a cake over his dick. So soothing. So sensuous. (Side note: File the word “sensuous” under “Things That Give Me The Heaves While Typing.“) Vin is the epitome of graceful even when he’s getting off by choking himself out in the shower. This picture is where “kinky” and “sensual elegance” meet.
What’s most surprising about this picture is that the photographer who took it (Herb Ritts’ ghost obviously) while on their knees was able to click the button as every part of their body shook from being that close to this showering David.
And this VD fan said it best:
Yeah, what Bindas said.
via Film Drunk
John Stamos (51)
Erika Christensen (32)
Callum Blue (37)
Tracie Thoms (39)
Fat Joe (44)
Paula Jai Parker (45)
Matthew Perry (45)
Tabitha Soren (47)
LeAnn Womack (48)
Kevin Dillon (49)
Kyra Sedgwick (49)
Adam Arkin (58)
Peter Gallagher (59)
Jonathan Frakes (62)
Tipper Gore (66)
Gerald McRaney (67)
Bill Clinton (68)
Johnny Nash (74)
Jill St. John (74)
All together now: “But when was that bitch ever country?”
Country Music packed up all of Taylor Swift’s shit and put it on the curb today after she released the first single called “Shake It Off” from her first all-pop album called “1989,”which comes out in October. Taylor of Green Gables didn’t have to smear her porcelain skin with SPF 5,000 today, because The Country Music Association threw a little shade her way with this tweet (which they later deleted, -10 shade points for them):
Good luck on your new venture @taylorswift13! We’ve LOVED watching you grow! #TaylorSwiftYahoo
Translation: “Don’t come crawling back to us, whore!”
Tay Tay queefed out her new song and video at some Yahoo! event today. Her new song sounds like a cross between a song that Avril Lavigne wrote in 2008 for a Pixar movie and a Jackson 5 b-side that the label rejected for being “too sweet.” At times, Taylor Swift even sounds like a young Michael Jackson with laryngitis. And the video. Well, if that still tells you anything…. This mess will make you cringe until your face muscles give out:
And that’s what you get when a commercial for The Gap and a Mickey Mouse Club skit circa 1995 lick up Miley Cyrus’ tongue skank before simultaneously barfing on the background of The Cosby Show intro.
That being said, I’m sure it’s already the #1 requested song at every spin class and thousands of people have already gone to the ER to beg doctors to please get that shit out of their heads.
And at least she didn’t write about an ex-boyfriend this time. I think.
In the commercial for Chestica Simpson’s new perfume, her chichis are so pushed up and squeezed together that they look like the hairless, bubble butt ass of a twink. Chestica’s lucky that she didn’t look down at her butt tits and see Bryan Singer’s dick trying to poke between them – Lainey Gossip
Jon Hamm to Ryan Reynolds regarding the Green Lantern: “I could’ve had that bitch if I wanted it!” – Celebitchy
Backdoor Farrah’s missing a decimal point between 5 and 4 – Reality Tea
Michi loves sausage…and baggage carousels – Drunken Stepfather
Lily Allen’s nipple looks like a gumdrop cookie – WWTDD
Demi Moore wished Tater Head a happy birthday with a gun cake – The Superficial
Add MiserAlba’s name to the long list of celebrities who can throw a ball better than 50 Cent – Hollywood Tuna
Just as she does ever year, Ellen DeGeneres hired a skywriter for her and Portia de Rossi’s wedding anniversary and surprisingly the message in the sky didn’t read, “I want a divorce” – Towleroad
Rachel Bilson’s still growing a baby – Popoholic
Christian Bale is a father again and please please tell me he named his kid Fucking Done Professionally Bale – Popsugar
On a scale from “I’m with you” to “I’m going to need you to have a seat while I scream for a mental health professional to come and get you,” how creepy is it to fap to pictures of Disney prince dicks? – Jezebel
Jena Malone might be in Batman vs. Superman because the cast isn’t big enough – ICYDK
Frankie Grande’s b-hole is going to shoot off of his body and through the roof of the Big Brother house if Zach doesn’t tickle it already – Boy Culture
Milla Jovovich is having another baby – Just Jared
When Iggy Azalea tried to be the next Willa Ford – OMG Blog
Chris Pratt needs to take his old Scooby-Doo van and drive through the ocean to Norway to save Shaggy – HuffPo
Ellen DeGeneres’ house looks like Camp Troop Beverly Hills if there was a Camp Troop Beverly Hills - The Berry
Vanilla Ice gets ice’d – SOW
Why am I saying “borders on art“? It IS art.
Warning: If you press play on that video, you will not be able to stop singing “denim, boots and pants and boots and pants, haircuuut” over and over again and you’ll sing it as you go to the bus station. You’ll sing it as you buy a ticket to St. Joseph, Missouri. You’ll sing it as you sit on the bus. You’ll sing it as you hitchhike to the East Hills Mall. And you’ll keep singing it until you buy, denim, boots and pants and boots and pants and a haircut. That shit is hypnotizing. And while you’re at the East Hills Mall, tell Miley I said that she’s doing a really good job at hawking backpacks outside of Journey’s. She finally found her calling!
Last week, TMZ reported that Casey Kasem’s gold digging, sane-deficient widow, Jean Kasem, was trying to move his body from a funeral home in Montreal to Oslo, Norway. Casey’s oldest children were trying to stop that from happening, because they claim that he wanted to be buried at Forest Lawn in Glendale, CA. The people of Oslo better arm themselves with buns and blocks of cheese, because that crazy bitch is coming their way and she attacks with raw hamburger meat. So if she hamburgers them in the face, they can at least cook that meat up and have a delicious meal.
The Los Angeles Times says that Jean petitioned officials in Norway to allow Casey to be buried there. Instead of listening to Jean’s pleas, the officials should’ve quickly passed a law banning all American Amazons whose born name is “Jean Thompson” and who has a crazy twinkle in their eye that says, “If you stick your peen in me, we’ll be tied together forever and ever.” But instead of banning Jean, Norwegian officials are letting her into their country and letting her bury Casey in Oslo. Jean wrote in her letter to officials that she has Norwegian roots and is planning to move to Norway by the end of this year. Jean also claimed in her letter that Casey wanted to be buried in Norway, because he “always said that Norway symbolizes peace and looks like heaven.” Jean just wants to fulfill his wishes.
Miley Cyrus said goodbye to her Alaskan Klee Kai Floyd back in April, and ever since then she has worked tirelessly to find new and more creative ways to make sure the leg-humping legacy of Floyd lives on. The most recent way she’s chosen to honor his memory is with a five-foot-tall light-up bong covered in bracelets, beads, flowers, dinosaurs, ribbons, crap, shit, trash, garbage, crap, crap, and more crap. There is so much crap on this bong. Floyd must have been a next-level hoarder.
Even though it looks like every piece of plastic crap from here to Pluto has been used to decorate Floyd’s memorial bong, Miley says it’s not quite finished yet. But the cooter-popping hillbilly chipmunk princess was so proud of her “werk in progress” that she decided to post several pics to Instagram yesterday regardless of how unfinished it was. Miley says that Floyd’s memorial bong has been a collaboration between her fans, who have made her bracelets that spell out messages like YUCK, WEED, TWERK, and DRUGZ. Josh Groban just got really nervous, because he knows that funeral homes everywhere just threw out all their Josh Groban CDs and replaced them with a bong that says DRUGZ. Nothing is more comforting during a moment of quiet reflection than a bong that says DRUGZ.
If only we knew what Floyd thought of his memorial bong. I know he’d be glad Miley is still smoking obscene amounts of drugs (that’s a given) but I feel like he might turn his nose up at how crafternoon delight it is. That bong looks like Hobby Lobby barfed on a Christian Bible Camp. There are SO MANY DAMN BEADS. Plus there’s not a single sticker with a picture of a stoned cartoon alien holding a joint saying “Take me to your dealer”. Come on Miley, it’s not a crap-covered bong without a weed alien!
It turns out that the $1 million worth of Birkin bags and jewels that a thief stole from a Texas millionaire’s 3,000 square foot, three-story closet are worth about $10 and a $50 off coupon to a back alley plastic surgeon who specializes in implanting Sour Patch worms into lips. After a thief broke into Theresa Roemer’s trove of treasures while she and her husband were having dinner at their country club, she cried out Botox tears while telling reporters that the thief stole jewels and precious family heirlooms including a lock of hair from her son who died in a car accident. Well, the thief who stole that stuff is crying too, because they wasted their time by breaking into Theresa’s Houston mansion. A person claiming to be the thief called up The Houston Press and said that the jewels and bags they stole from Theresa’s closet are as fake and fraudulent as her lips, face and hair.
Cook book author and expert-level gold digger Jessica Seinfeld (yes the woman who left her husband of four months for Jerry Seinfeld. Get that Kramer cash, bitch!) pretty much told us really all we need to know about Jessica Seinfeld when she posted a picture of her best fwend Gwyneth Paltrow to Instagram on Sunday with the following caption (WARNING: Toxic levels of celebrity ass-kissing ahead):
“I have never met anyone with more true and loyal best friends than this baby girl. She is deeply and intensely loved by her friends. I hope each of you has someone in your life that is a wise and steady North Star like this one is to so many…Why not tag those people in your life who kill it in the friendship department? It’s Show Appreciation Sunday. (I made that up).”
Sorry, did I say ass-kissing? I meant hardcore salad tossing. Jessica Seinfeld’s tongue was so deep in Gwyneth’s goop-chute, she could practically taste the cold-brewed bluefin tuna tear tea in her stomach. That was some Journey To The Center Of Goop’s Massive Ego shit.
Seriously though, how much did Gwynnie have to pay her to say that? Jessica’s got a tight wallet-humping game, so you know that bitch didn’t come cheap. I bet the breakdown of services went a little something like this:
Gold Package: Alluding to friend, friends, and/or friendship ($1700 for each mention, plus unlimited access to the spa at Castle Goopskull)
Platinum Package: Sounding sincere (2 boxes imported cashmere tampons, 1 endangered white tiger facial)
Whatever Is More Expensive Than Platinum Package: Use of any of the following words – kind, true, loyal, down-to-earth, plus referring to you as “baby girl” ($5000 per word, a wig made of your hair, and Tracy Anderson)
But it doesn’t really matter what she said, because I kept getting distracted by Jessica Seinfeld’s hair! It looked like a gnarly wave just begging me to Photoshop a little surfer hanging ten inside it: