Panty Creamer Of The Day: Leonardo DiCaprio Giving You Body, Ponytail And Nasty Beard Hotness In Miami
If you’re a 6’1″, 90lb blonde model who is under the age of OLD (read: 23) and always looking to come up, then it’s your lucky life, because there’s a really good chance that this hot, chunk of hairy, bloated hotness will climb on top of you and cover your body with his stank as his beard fleas jump onto your face. Lucky whore.
It’s Fashion Week in Miami right now and wherever there’s a large gathering of models, there’s Leonardo DiCatchAHo trolling around and looking for his next piece. Leo took a break from sitting front row at fashion shows and pointing at models while telling his people that he’ll take “one of those and one of those and one of those” to feed his hairy nipples and belly pouch some much needed Vitamin D on the beach. Leo is apparently growing out his hair, beard and body for a movie that’s shooting in September and no, I don’t know if he’s playing a bottom level Zach Galifianakis impersonator who can also impersonate Jack Nicholson for anyone who’s not picky and on a budget. Leo is once again proving that if you’re a famous millionaire, you can look like you smell like foreskin gouda, thick beard gravy and pit syrup and models will still throw their chocha at you. Not pictured: Lukas Haas hosing down all the models trying to throw their chochas at Leo while he’s having some “me time” on the beach.
And yes, I still, still would. Leo’s high ponytail and those back bangs that look like a hairy neck skirt are taking me higher.
Pics: FameFlynet, Splash
And now for your hourly update on the state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s maybe-crumbling marriage. According to Page Six, the everlasting love between Yawncé and Joe Camel is as dead as the wifi signal in the basement (Unable to join the network “Is there not a box of old weaves I asked you to organize, Solange?”). But because Beyoncé has an ego the size of …well…Beyoncé’s ego, and Jay-Z doesn’t want to admit that one of his 99 problems is, in fact, his bitch, they’re doing everything in their power to keep from getting divorced.
A source claims that Jay-Z hired marriage counsellors to travel with them on their “On The Run” tour, but they’re really only there to help them pretend they don’t totally hate each other as they sing about being sooooo in love night after night. Apparently, once the tour ends, Beyoncé plans on putting everything Jay-Z owns in a box to the left and telling that hussy-chasing camel to hit the bricks. The source also says they stopped wearing their wedding rings a long time ago, and that Blue Ivy was a band-aid baby. Basically, IT’S OVER. Except that it’s not:
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing. This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front.”
The only thing those two whores love more than attention is money, so this must be a tough decision for them. While Stuntyoncé and Jay-Z would no doubt kill for the chance to milk the hell out of a public divorce, they also want to keep counting their money without getting that guilty feeling that comes from swindling gullible fools at $75 a pop. That’s what’s known in the legal community calls a Katch-22, aka ”The Kardashian Connundrum”.
And how dare I refer to Blue Ivy a band-aid baby! I should know better. Band-aids are for commoners. Surely there’s some kind of luxury designer adhesive bandage product on the market. Maybe in France? Oh shit, I spoke to soon…
Arya Stark From Game Of Thrones Slaps At British Airways For Not Letting Her Into The Business Class Lounge
Teenagers really have it the worst and rich, famous teenagers have it worser than worse, because they’re used to hearing “yes” most of the time, but every now and again some evil torturer has to tell them “no” and being told “no” when you’re a famous teenager is worse than getting shot at during war (that line is sponsored by a teenage Goopy Paltrow). 17-year-old Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones knows what I’m talking about, because over the weekend she suffered through some real struggle when she tried to sashay into British Airways’ business class lounge and was denied at the door because she’s under the age of 18. British Airways told The Daily Mail that kids under the age of 18 aren’t allowed into the business class lounge without a parent, because there’s a beautiful, unattended, self-serve open bar in there and we all know that teenagers would guzzle all of it down if they could, because they’re greedy.
Maisie and her luxurious Woolly Bear Caterpillar brows didn’t take their plight to the United Nations since their human rights were obviously violated. But Maisie did jump onto Twitter and yelled at British Airways, because she, a Business Class-paying Business Class citizen, should be able to stand on Business Class soil.
So Maisie Williams, a celebrity, was denied entrance into the British Airways business class lounge and nothing was done about it? I take back everything I said about Kanye West. He was absolutely, one hundred percent right as usual! Celebrities are treated exactly the way black people were in 1960s America!
When George Clooney ties the knot with fancy London lawyer Amal Alamuddin (I love typing her name because it always makes me think of a scoop of ice cream drizzled with TGI Friday’s Mudslide mix) it will be more than just a wedding, it will be a baptism. The second George slips another very fancy ring on Amal’s fancy finger and promises to love, honor, and cherish her while wobbling his head in that charming George Clooney way, it will wash away the years he spent whipping around Lake Como with topless 25-year-old party girls on his jet ski.
Well, at least that’s what he thinks will happen. Regina George called up Variety to bitch about his recent wig-snatching fight with The Daily Mail over some not-true comments about his fiancé and her family (mostly about them being ashamed she was marrying Booker from Roseanne) and he didn’t really say anything new, since there are only so many ways you can say “OMG, they’re like, obsessed with me, right? It’s so pathetic.” But he did end the conversation by reminding us that, yeah, Amal is about to get hitched to Booker from Roseanne, saying:
“I’m marrying up.”
Ouch! George, how dare you? I know Amal Alamuddin is a ~very~ fancy lady, but it’s not exactly his first time at the Pure Class and Refined Sophistication Rodeo. Has he already forgotten about Sarah Larson? Stacy Keibler? ELISABETTA CANALIS?!?! Newsflash, George! It’s not technically “marrying up” if you’ve already had the cream of the crop, aka a coke-gobbling Italian showgirl with a tribal armband tattoo.
Pic: Fame Flynet
It’s Monday, so you might as well start stretching your eye roll muscle and prepare it for a week’s worth of eye rolling by scanning Kanye West’s latest cold puddle of verbal wet shit. Seen above looking like a constipated, bitchy toddler throwing a pout tantrum after you tell him he can’t wear his favorite black leather jogging pants, Kuntye farted at the mouth to GQ about his stupid wedding, stupid fashion shit and how Kim Kartrashian is the greatest thing to happen to the world. Most of us are so used to Kanye filling our heads with dried dingles of delusion, so he said, “I AM LIKE THE JEWS AND THE PAPARAZZI ARE LIKE HITLER,” we’d just roll our eyes a little to the left and continue chewing our breakfast sandwich. Kanye doesn’t compare the paparazzi to Hitler, but he does say that being a celebrity today is like being black in the 1960s. Either I wasn’t totally paying attention during the lesson on the Civil Rights Movement in the 6th grade or Kanye’s brain has been switched with that of a dead sloth, because I somehow missed the part where black people were given Givenchy gowns to wear to their protests and instead of getting attacked by police dogs and beaten by racists, they had their picture taken and were asked to sign autographs. I was taught wrong! The American education system is really leaving every child behind. Kuntye should be named Secretary of Education, so he can teach the children how history really went.
As soon as the interview starts, Kanye opens up his insufferable delusion dispenser and he completely loses me. I have no idea what he’s talking about most of the time and I smoke weed. Spam emails make sense to me. Kanye dribbles out some shit about the wedding, being a blowfish and Carine Roitfeld . If you really want to hurt your brain, you can read the entire interview here. I’ve thrown up a few highlights (and by “highlights” I mean “lowlights“) after the cut. WARNING: A severe flash flood of delusion and insanity is ahead: Continue reading
Paris Hilton Did An Interview, Because Apparently There Are Still People Who Care About Paris Hilton
I guess news in the UK is slower than the lazy eye of a slow-moving skank, because The Telegraph has published an interview they did with world-famous DJ and former clinic-famous human crotch rash Paris Hilton. The interview was conducted by Helena de Bertodando, aka the shady cunt who carried around a newspaper clipping for nine years so she could call out Emily Blunt to her face. Sadly, Helena never whips out a copy of 1 Night in Paris and asks her to take us back to the glory years of 2004. Instead she just lets Paris free-associate and spit out a rancid Heiress-scented Valtrex cloud of nonsense.
A deluded trick with only two barely-working brain cells had an awful lot to say, so it’s all after the cut. Continue reading
Jon Gosselin takes his kids on a tour of what his life has become since the divorce. – Calimaria
I sure hope these little shits are floaters – Whamo
Jocasta Odom (no relation to Lamar, I think…), the baptist minister and Bow Tie Queen of Lovejoy, GA from Big Brother 16!
When Big Brother’s Sweet Sixteen season started, I didn’t think that much of Jocasta. I wanted to get into her since she takes styling tips from Bill Nye, and in her intro piece she said that before she devoted herself to God and Jesus, she did everything and did everyone. A former slut who’s addicted to bow ties?! YES! But then the game started and as everyone began making moves, Jocasta just sat there in her bow tie, doing nothing. She should’ve used her powers of the bow tie to become the ring master of the game, but instead she became the sad clown and sometimes I’d forget she was even there. The wallpaper became a more memorable character than Jocasta.
But on last night’s episode, Jocasta’s breakout moment came when the holy spirit grabbed onto her soul and she started talking in tongues during a competition. Jocasta and her partner Amber were battling it out with Victoria and Brittany in the Battle of the Block competition. If Amber and Jocasta won, they’d come off the block and wouldn’t be up for eviction anymore. The competition was sort of like a big game of chess and Jocasta was the first one knocked out, so it was up to Amber to win that shit for them. Jocasta said that she was leaving it up to God and while on the sidelines, she paced back and forth as her jaw chattered. I thought she was having an anxiety attack! She acted like my chihuahua when I’m driving him to the vet and he realizes that he’s about to get a thermometer shoved up his ass. (I know, he freaks out and gets the scareds over getting something shoved up his ass. How is he my dog?!)
I thought Jocasta’s jaw was going to chatter off of her skull the same way a trick’s jaw nearly falls off of her skull when she tries to blow the Hammaconda. . It took me a second to realize that Jocasta wasn’t having some kind of seizure, she was taking us to her Baptist Church by speaking in tongues. Jocasta must do that a lot, because nobody threw a “Should I scream for a medic?” side-eye at her. Jocasta’s tongue speaking obviously worked, because Amber beat Victoria and Brittany!
She sounds like me when I try to rap along to Supersonic. Believe this, Jocasta’s alliance with GOD will win her the game (no, it won’t)!
But seriously, Jocasta’s holy freakout was probably the result of God shaking her while screaming, “Stop bothering me with this stupid Big Brother shit!”
Vid via Rickey
Robin Williams (63)
Rory Culkin (25)
Chelsie Hightower (25)
Juno Temple (25)
Jamie Waylett (25)
Vanessa Lengies (29)
Paloma Faith (33)
Blake Lewis (33)
Josh Hartnett (36)
Justin Bartha (36)
Damian Marley (36)
Jaime Murray (38)
Alex Reid (39)
Ali Landry (41)
Charlotte Gainsbourg (43)
Brandi Chastain (46)
Jon Lovitz (57)
Yusuf Islam aka Cat Stevens (66)
Edward Hermann (71)
Patricia Elliott (72)
Janet Reno (76)
Norman Jewison (88)
Kay Starr (92)
First Bear Grylls hangs out with Jake Gyllenhaal. Then Bear Grylls hangs out with Bradley Cooper. And now he’s hanging out with Zac Efron? Does Bear Grylls work part-time as a sales rep for a Rent-A-Beard agency?
In a preview clip for NBC’s Running Wild with Bear Grylls, Michelle Rodriguez’s scissor sister Zac Efron risks ruining his Bronzer and lip gloss game by taking off his top to rappel down a cliff with Bear Grylls in the Catskill Mountains. They take off their tops, because Bear says they should put their shirts in their backpacks so they have something dry to wear when they get down and because Zac Efron’s nipples = RATINGS! Bear telling Zac that they should take off their tops sounds like the start of the gay porn of my dreams.
Zac and Bear go down together and while watching them go down, I became really disappointed in nature. I mean, Zac and Bear hang in the air for a long time and not one hawk flies by and rips off their pants and chonies. Where were you when we really needed you, hawks? Oh, nature, you did us wrong this time.