Obviously nothing can beat the perfection of Clue: The Movie, but Hollywood has been determined to make a remake happen for years now. The last time we checked in, 20th Century Fox had plans to make the stale hamburger version of Clue: The Movie’s filet mignon by creating a big-budget “global thriller” blockbuster. As it turns out, we’re not even getting hamburger anymore. Hollywood might be giving us human-grade dog food beef chunks in the form of a Clue movie made by Ryan Reynolds and the Deadpool writing team.
This year’s Oscars will be held in a parking lot a block away from The Dolby Theater in Hollywood, it will be BYOC (bring your own champagne), everyone will sit on folding chairs, crates or the ground, and the statues will be spray painted gold and made from recycled dog food cans. Because the Academy busted their entire budget on this morning’s nominations ceremony, which was hosted by Andy Serkis (who wasn’t wearing a green bodysuit, weirdly enough) and Tiffany Haddish, who was a mess and may have been morning drunk (I don’t blame her ass) since she had too many Adele Dazeem moments to count. But she should get a bonus for her seductive pronunciation of Call Me By Your Name.
Nearly every category was introduced with a little skit starring actresses like Michelle Yeoh, Rosario Dawson, Gal Gadot, Michelle Rodriguez, Rebel Wilson, Priyanka Chopra, Zoe Saldana and Molly Shannon. Yes, they spent money, which leads me to the actual noms…
Jack Reynolds, the 105-year-old human sparkler who is breaking records left and right thanks to the nectar of the gods known as whisky!
Jack Reynolds is a great-granddaddy from Derbyshire in England, and he refuses to spend the platinum years of his life lying on a bed while breathing through a gas mask bong as his body gets slathered with BenGay by four hot shirtless pieces he paid using whatever is left of his 401k (which is how I hope to be spending the platinum years of my life if I make it that long). Jack is more active than me. Last year, he won the Guinness World Record for being the oldest person to ever ride a rollercoaster. He also got a tattoo on his 104th birthday, flew in a vintage Tiger Moth aircraft that same year and became the oldest person to do the Ice Bucket Challenge (remember that shit?) at the age of 102. Super Pepaw Jack is back in the news after successfully taking on a rappel!
Chita Rivera (85)
Doutzen Kroes (33)
Draya Michele (33)
Julia Jones (37)
Tito Ortiz (43)
Tiffani Thiessen (44)
Ewen Bremner (46)
Lisa Snowdon (46)
Ariadna Gil (49)
Mariska Hargitay (54)
Gail O’Grady (55)
Princess Caroline of Monaco (61)
Robin Zander (65)
Richard Dean Anderson (68)
Anita Pointer (70)
Rutger Hauer (74)
Jeanne Moreau (1928-2017)
Abby Lee Miller lost a lot of weight while in the clink and she proved that she did by posting a picture of herself on Instagram. Of course Abby dropped a ton of weight in prison. There’s no souls of children in prison for her to eat. The souls of children are pretty fatty, to be honest – SOW
I see that Drake is still trying to convince us that what he had with JLo was pure and organic and not manufactured by their managers – Lainey Gossip
Paul Bettany is probably going to be the next Prince Philip in The Crown. I don’t watch that show, so I don’t have an opinion on this, really. And I’m not going to watch this show until they get into the adult Prince Hot Ginge years and yes I’m praying for them to cast Carrot Top as Prince Hot Ginge – Celebitchy
Why would Melissa Gorga want to collaborate with Erika Jayne when she can collaborate with a blossom who has much more musical talent and is on her own show? Yes, I’m talking about Danielle Staub – Reality Tea
Megyn Kelly Saw Her Opportunity To Get Her Shit Show Some Attention In The Most Petty Way Possible And Took It!
The ratings for Megyn Kelly’s boring flop show on Today are reportedly up by 22 percent in total viewers since October, and I guess she’s got pressure to keep it up. Megyn was probably going to try to keep her ratings up by bringing on the real Santa Claus and getting his DNA tested so she can finally prove that he is 100% white, but she didn’t need to do that. Because Jane Fonda gave her a ratings gift. Jane made fun of Megyn Kelly in her own house last week, and she responded this morning by bringing Hanoi Jane into it. The part of me that lives for ice cold cunt pettiness is slow clapping for Megyn for making that pathetic and nonsensical move. The other part of me is grabbing the popcorn and not-so-patiently waiting for Jane to torch a trick.