Let’s just get this out of the way, because I’m sure it’s the only thing you really care about: no, you won’t get to see his New York Trouser Giant – BUT – there is a chance we might get to see his defensive end. Pray 4 butts, it’s all we’ve got.
So another hot-bodied hottie has been added to the cast of what will surely be Channing Tatum’s magnum opus, Magic Mike XXL; former football player and Live! with Kelly and Michael host Michael Strahan will make an appearance as a stripper. Did you hear that sound? It was the sound of a million morning TV-watching memaws and stay-at-home moms getting the vapors and fainting into a pile of folded laundry.
Michael admitted on Live! this morning that after Channing Tatum jokingly asked him to appear in Magic Mike 2, he then asked him a second time for real if he’d appear as a stripper, and he agreed. Michael also says he’ll be wearing a “kind-of a thong thing”, which means we won’t get to see any penis. But also because, duh, we’re not going to see any penis anyways because it’s a Hollywood movie. If you want penis, you’re going to have to watch the Magic Mike parody, Spellbound Sam (which I assume is something that exists).
But what Michael doesn’t realize is that he doesn’t technically ever have to show his thong-wrapped stra-ham. He can use a crotch double! And who better to stand in as his dick-double than Kelly Ripa’s erect belly button! Just have Kelly slip a g-string around stomach and shoot it from a couple creative angles, and no one will know the difference!
And in case you want to know what Michael Strahan stripping looks like, here’s him busting out some bachelorette party moves on Live! two years ago.
Update from Michael K: Warner Bros. announced the full cast, and joining Gappy Strahan, Channing Tatum, Matt Boner, Joe ManJello, Kevin Nash, Gabriel Iglesias and Kevin Nash will be Amber Heard, Jada Pinkett Smith, Elizabeth Banks, Andie MacDowell and Donald Glover. They also spit up a synopsis.
“Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.
Um, yeah, that synopsis means nothing to me, because it doesn’t say how many pairs of bare ass cheeks they’re going to show and if they’re finally going to do things right by giving us dick shots. That’s the only thing us, desperate, hard-up whores care about.
After mostly laying low for months and staying away from the driveways of Memaw Mushroom Queens and Party City wigs that look like they were pulled out of the gutter the day after Halloween, Amanda Bynes got arrested for allegedly driving while under the influence of drugs. Insert TyraScreamingWeWereAllRootingForYou.GIF here. Also, insert the ShockedNotShocked.GIF for the people who follow Amanda’s supposed secret Twitter account.
TMZ says that Amanda was pulled over in L.A. on Sunday morning. The only thing that TMZ knows right now is that she was taken to a nearby station at 4:10AM on a misdemeanor DUI. She was released into the wild at around noon after posting $15,000 bail. Amanda Bynes’ quick descent into Our Lady of Cheetos circa 2008 territory started when she was arrested for DUI in 2012. And now here we are again.
I’m sure TMZ will throw up Amanda Bynes’ latest mug shot of beauty any second now and if she’s wearing a crooked wig that looks like it was made with Benji’s mangy ass hair and she’s looking at the camera like, “Camera, you’re ugly,” then everyone in the L.A. area needs to hide their bongs, hide Drake’s dick and immediately build a safety fence around their driveway.
UPDATE: TMZ’s source says Amanda was high on the good shit while driving. Their source says that Amanda was doing okay until the conservatorship she was under ended this month and she moved out of her parents’ house and into her own place in Orange County. Busted Wig Amanda started peeking out again as soon and she got some of that reefer in her. Cue Amanda’s mom screaming, “REEFER MADNESS,” again. TMZ also says that Amanda is still on probation so she could face a bigger punishment if a judge feels she violated her probation. Please. Amanda got arrested in L.A. and she’s still kind of a celebrity, so nothing’s going to happen to her. The judge will sentence to her to 2 days without Starbucks and that’s it. That’s if the judge doesn’t leave the court room in tears after Amanda calls them ugly.
I feel like I should be forwarding this picture of Avril Lavigne’s Duncan Hines Dildo-looking cake to Michael K with the subject line: “Would you hit it?“. For real though, why does that cake look like it was made by Buddy Valastro at Doc Johnsons? Is it just me? It looks like a giant factory defected cupcake fuck toy called “Sweet ‘Splosions“, right? Maybe it’s just me (and no, I wouldn’t hit it, because those gumballs look like they might catch on something).
On Saturday, the Manic Panic Pixie Dream Goblin turned 30-years-old, thus officially making her too old for this shit. And to celebrate, UsWeekly says she had a big birthday party at the Bellagio in Las Vegas surrounded by friends and other perpetual Hot Topic-humping emo teens. Except there was one less vinegar-scented bottle of human douche at the table – Avril’s estranged cocker spaniel-looking husband Chad Kroeger was NOT invited. Sorry Nickelback, no Bellagio buffet for you!
It makes sense that she wouldn’t invite Chad to her birthday party. First of all, they were only married for 14 months. Second, Avril can’t mack on 34-year-old Dickies-wearing pop punk hedgehogs when her ex-husband keeps coming up to her asking if she wants a fresh Rye & Dry (CC and ginger ale). Third, nobody wants to hear that dumb dingleberry growl-sing “Huuurrrrpy buuuurthdurrr terrrr yerrrrrr….“
But what was Chad doing instead? I dunno, probably at Château Shame crying and looking at photographs.
Here’s more of Avril arriving at the Bellagio for her 30th birthday party, and for the first time in her life she’s dressed her age, which also happens to look exactly like Amy Adams auditioning for a Real Housewives biopic.
If you’ve been wondering if Amy and Samy Bouzaglo, the pieces of bat shit wrapped in reality show gold from Kitchen Nightmares, have been forcibly institutionalized yet, TMZ answered your question yesterday. Amy’s Baking Company is still open, Samy still hasn’t been deported and they’re still injecting thirty gallons of crazy into Scottsdale, Arizona.
Yesterday, TMZ posted a video of Samy serving a giant plate of insanity while going after a customer with either a knife or a pen. The dude who took the video tells TMZ that a drunk dude was eating at Amy’s Baking Company in Scottsdale and Samy got mad (because that’s what Samy does) and kicked the drunk dude out. The alleged drunk dude left, but Samy still had a whole lot more crazy to give and so he chased the customer out while wielding a knife. Amy and Samy tell TMZ it was a pen, not a knife. Does it really matter? A true crazy bitch can turn anything into a dangerous weapon. Samy also tells TMZ that the drunk dude was falling down and causing a scene and became even messier when he was told to leave.
As Samy threatened to kill the drunk dude, Amy made Sweet Dee from It’s Always Sunny.. look like the portrait of restrained sanity by screaming like a rabid hyena while trying to hold her partner in lunacy back. Dear Amy and Samy’s cat sons, this is your mom and dad and if you get the urge to go down to the Department of Mental Health to take out the Arizona equivalent of a 5150 on them, I’ll gladly call you an Uber.
CBS5 Arizona says that Scottsdale police showed up at around 5pm. The drunk customer was gone by then. The cops didn’t arrest anybody, but charges may be filed once (and if) they track down the drunk dude and interview him.
Amy and Samy are legitimately ten layers of crazy on top of forty layers of insane, but that video feels very staged and choreographed. Why would a customer leave after Samy yelled at him? Isn’t that the reason why you go to Amy’s Baking Company in the first place? You don’t go for the food. You go for the psychotic theatrics! If I went to Amy’s Baking Company and Samy didn’t threaten to kill me and Amy didn’t call me a piece of trash whose mouth doesn’t deserve to touch her gourmet creations, I’d write this Yelp review: “If I could give them zero stars I would. Samy didn’t scream into my face and Amy didn’t call me ‘ugly trash’ in cat talk. Will never go back!“
Sorry, you’ll have to give me a moment – I’m trying to make sense of Brad Pitt’s janky facial hair on the cover of GQ. Why does it look like his beard is running away from his moustache? And why does his chin look like an elderly badger after a bikini wax? “Oooh girl, let your garden grown!” said some elderly badgers.
Brapi gave an interview to British GQ where talked about his gorgeous hair in Interview with the Vampire and what the hell was up with St. Angie’s wedding dress. NO! I wish. He actually talked about pretentious Hobo Brad shit (all of which is super-fun to read in Taran Killam’s Brad Pitt voice):
At the airport in Venice today, George Clooney, Amal Alamuddin and their famous friends joined hands and bowed as their audience clapped, cheered, threw bouquets of roses at their feet and thanked them for delivering a tour de force OLD HOLLYWOOD GLAMOUR FASHION BOAT EXTRAVAGANZA! Before George and Amal took their final bows and left Italy, they officially got married in a 10 minute-long civil ceremony at Venice’s town hall. As George Clooney put a crack in the earth’s core by becoming a married man, the fame whore, social-climbing gold diggers of the world poured one out for George’s bachelor days and thanked God that Leonardo DiCatchAHo isn’t wearing a wedding ring yet.
Amal (who was dressed up like Bianca Jagger if Bianca Jagger was Carmen Sandiego) and George continued to redefine the meaning of EXTRA when they got on a boat named Amore and waved to their adoring subjects while thinking they’re the most glamorous thing to ever happen to a boat. Newsflash, bitches. The most glamorous thing to ever happen to a boat happened when Nomi Malone danced on one at a Las Vegas boat show in Showgirls. After AlaLooney made it official, they sashayed out of city hall and each spit out one word to reporters. via People
So how does it feel to be married? “Nice!” Clooney, in a gray suit, told waiting fans as he walked out of Ca’Farsetti with Alamuddin, who wore a cream-colored pantsuit and hat. Chimed in the new (Stella McCarney-clad) Mrs. Clooney: “Amazing!”
Asking a trick what it’s like being married ten minutes after they got married is a dumb question, but George’s answer was still funny. Nice! To George Clooney, 10 minutes of marriage probably feels like 10 years of marriage. If you asked him 5 seconds after he got married what married life was like, he’d say, “WONDERFUL!” If you asked him a minute later, he’d say, “GREAT!” And if you asked him 20 minutes later, he’d say, “Eh, you know….”
And now it’s over. Congrats to Clooney! Congrats to Amal! Congrats to Vogue (or People and Hello if you ask Lainey)! Congrats to the Venice Tourism Board! Congrats to the makers of boat fuel! And congrats to us all! I hope the divorce ceremony is as glamorous as this.
The Twihards Are Still Pissed That Robert Pattinson Is Dating FKA Twigs, Start Trolling Her On Twitter
Even though the Twilight saga ended almost two years ago and even though it’s been a million years since Robert Pattinson quit humping on professional scowler Kristen Stewart, there are still some crazy Twihard fangirls out there clutching at their Edward Cullen and Bella Swan barbie dolls and weeping salty sparkly tears over the news that RPattz has moved on to British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs.
But because Twihards are the definition of ‘stunted’, they’ve started going after Rob’s new girlfriend in an attempt to scare her away. Unfortunately, they’re not mailing her their tear-matted Twilight dolls with a note written in glitter blood that says “RPATTZ IS TAKEN, TRY TAYLOR LAUTNER”. No, they’re much crazier than that; they’re being racist assholes on Twitter.
Here at Ronald McDonald Academy of Performing Arts, students learn to fully inhabit and BECOME all elements of a Big Mac. For instance, the Cheese 101 workshop helps our freshmen to develop a “two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, ME, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun” state of mind. - Shadeball
It was a poignant moment at SpongeBob’s funeral when his illegitimate children stepped forward to eulogize him. – prommom
Frozen juice concentrate!
Frozen juice concentrate was the beverage of my childhood. My mom was always into healthy crap (I know, the “don’t fill your body with delicious sugar-filled preservatives” gene must’ve skipped a generation) and always tried to give us healthy crap. She didn’t regularly buy us Coke or Kool-Aid, because shit wasn’t healthy (“Um, grape Kool-Aid IS a fruit, you dumb trash” – Mama June) and I was already as hyper as a coked up chihuahua. I didn’t need more sugar. Ritalin tea didn’t exist back then, so she gave us frozen juice concentrate! It was healthier, because it was JUICE and the generic brands were kind of cheap. We drank it the way White Oprah drinks Georgi Vodka. We practically bathed in it and any kid pissing next to me in the bathroom always said out loud, “Why does it smell like white grapes in here?” That crap ran through our veins.
Not only is frozen juice concentrate healthier, because it’s JUICE, but you also get a workout from making it. One of my little cousins once complained while opening a plastic bottle of orange juice. I let that brat know that when I was a kid, we had to make our juice. The scars on my hands are from making hundreds of pitchers of frozen juice concentrate. You had to take the frozen juice concentrate out of the freezer, pull off that white plastic tab thing, yank off the metal lid and then squeeze that frozen stuff into a pitcher and every time you squeezed it, you had to make a wet fart sound with your mouth. Then you had to add water and stir at least a million times until it became juice. THE STRUGGLE. Making that stuff was the most exercise I’ve ever gotten in my entire life.
When we got older, my mom stopped buying frozen juice concentrate, because she believed lemon water was healthier than healthier. And when I started making my own money, I never bought it, because I could buy soda and booze instead.
Frozen juice concentrate and I met again last night while I looked online for ways to “spice up” my usual sangria recipe of boxed wine and Sprite. I came across a recipe for sangria made with frozen juice concentrate and my eyes also landed on a highly educational video that teaches you how to make red wine from Welch’s grape juice concentrate. Oh, frozen juice concentrate, you’re now all grown up and have really classed up your act. Speaking of classy, whenever I wanted a delicious frozen treat as a kid, I ate frozen juice concentrate right out of the can with a spoon. I ate fine sorbet before I even knew what sorbet was.
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