No, This Is Not A Headline From The Onion

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Bill Cosby Schools You On Rape Allegations” is something you’d expect to see on a Learning Annex sign outside of a Holiday Inn conference room in the Ninth Circle of HELL. But apparently, that’s something you may see on a sign outside of a theater near you. This is like Ole’ Sleazy Puddin’ Pop’s rendition of O.J. Simpson’s If I Did It. The devil is real.

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Open Post: Hosted By Kevin Spacey Trying To Show John Travolta Up 

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

John Travolta’s wig tamers better Super Glue, Gorilla Glue, and cement glue his hair to his head, because Kevin Spacey is trying to snatch that shit and take the crown. Nobody can beat John Travolta’s flawless man wig game, but Kevin is giving him a run for his lace front.

At today’s London premiere of Baby Driver (and, I’m still fucking pissed it’s not a Latarian Milton biopic), Kevin Spacey worked that rug on his head and he didn’t even care that the hawks flying above were seconds away from swooping in after mistaking it for a squirrel in distress. Kevin also worked it for the cameras even though his makeup person did him wrong by not blending his face paint all the way. Kevin didn’t only wear the best hair at the Baby Driver premiere, he also wore the best ensemble.

Kevin’s co-stars (Jon Hamm, Ansel Elgort, Jamie Foxx, Lily James and Eiza Gonzalez) all wore stuffy outfits from the House of Boring, while Kevin went full mid-life crisis daddy chic. It looks like his twink friends (or the new Ken dolls) took him to Macy’s and gave him a totally hip and fresh makeover. That IS the look. And I bet that at the after-party for Baby Driver, Kevin went up to Ansel and Lily at the bar and said, “Issa ’bout to be savage ay eff tonight, sis!

Pics: Wenn.com

Chris Brown Won’t Be Required To Attend Domestic Violence Prevention Classes

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Last week, Karrueche Tran was granted a 5-year restraining order against Chris Brown, and in addition to keeping his abusive ass away from her for five years, it was also reported that he had to attend domestic violence prevention classes. During the hearing, Karrueche said that Chris had beat her in the past, so TMZ says the court ordered him to attend a 52-week program.

As it turns out, there was a clerical error and he doesn’t have to go those classes after all. The courts filed a document on Monday with an amendment to Karrueche’s restraining order explaining that the issue was not raised at the hearing, and the court doesn’t require him to participate in a “batterer intervention program.

Whoever discovered that mistake must have had a real tough decision on their hands. That’s the kind of internal conflict that brings out the shoulder angel and devil and I bet even they couldn’t offer any help. The angel probably said, “Normally I’d tell you to be honest, but let’s face it, that dude should be forced to take a whole year of violence classes.” And the devil said, “This would usually be where I’d disagree with the angel, but I think we’re on the same page. If I had to encourage you to do something wrong, maybe scratch out 52 and change it to 104.”

Pic: Instagram

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Courteney Cox’s Face Is Now Filler-Free 

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Last year, Courteney Cox was on piss queen Bear Grylls’ show Running Wild, and admitted that she regrets turning her face into a rubber cat mask by wet fucking it with syringes full of fillers. Courteney is in New Beauty magazine to talk about her beauty and she talked more about the journey her face took from all-natural to stage 6 Jocelyn Wildenstein. Courteney says she feels a lot better now because her fillers have gone away and now she looks much more like Courtney Cox.

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Madonna Got Herself A New Boy Toy

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

The Daily Mail says that 58-year-old Madonna has moved on from her previous mid-20s piece to a 31-year-old Portuguese model named Kevin Sampaio. The two reportedly on the set of her video for Bitch I’m Madonna, where he got some screen time as a hot dude in his underwear who gets kissed by Madonna at the beginning. Rumors that Madonna was doing Kevin have been around since last month, but The Daily Mail says that Madonna is getting serious about this one (that’s cute, Daily Mail). They claim she is buying a $6 million house in Lisbon where Kevin lives, and has enrolled her son David in a local youth club there. She is also allegedly looking for schools in Lisbon for her youngest kids Stella and Esther.

Madonna has reportedly been trying out Kevin for the past year. She was impressed that he didn’t immediately run to the press after their first date. My guess is he was unable to run due to his hamstrings seizing up after working out in Madonna’s personal gym for six hours. (I assume that’s what Madonna does on first dates).

Kevin also has an identical twin brother named Jonathan. That’s great news for both Madonna and Kevin. Whenever Kevin needs to take a break from feeding Madonna her grapes and massaging her bunions, he can just tap in his brother. Madonna won’t notice the difference, Kevin gets a break, and Jonathan makes a little extra cash. Everyone wins!

Pic: Instagram

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Prince Hot Ginge Says That None Of The Royals Want The Crown

June 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Since Prince Hot Ginge wants nothing to do with the crown, I should remove it from my homomade (on purpose typo) PHG Real Doll during our “dates.” You know, to make the experience oh-so-realistic.

PHG did a long interview with Newsweek and he mostly talked about his charity stuff, but he also talked about how losing his mom at a young age really fucked with him, and he gave his thoughts about the future of the monarchy. He didn’t talk about Meghan Markle, but a “source” did and said that things are still new between them and if they get engaged, it won’t happen before the end of the year.

PHG says that his mom wanted him and his brother to live as normal of a life as possible, so he does his own grocery shopping and buys his own meat (wink win), but he also knows that he’s a prince and believes that his country and beyond still needs the magic of the monarchy.

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