Groot gonna be a daddy! People says that humanoid sweatpants bulge Vin Diesel busted a NOS-boosted fast and furious nut up inside his girlfriend Paloma Jiménez and now she’s knocked up with their third child. Vin and Paloma (whose name is making me hungy for a delicious honey pomelo right now) already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent. Today I learned: Vin Diesel’s kids aren’t named Riptide and Turbo, like I always assumed they would be.
I don’t often get jealous of babies, since they’re always peeing their pants and I’m only sometimes peeing my pants, but I’m very very jealous of Vin’s future baby. Why? Two reasons:
1. Vin’s body is roughly 108% muscle (his body has muscles normal humans don’t have yet), which means he’ll be strong enough to carry that baby to bed well into its adult years. I am jealous of this because getting carried to bed is fun as hell.
2. After it’s carried to bed, Vin will no doubt sing his baby to sleep with that peanut butter smooth voice of his. Imagine the caliber of dreams you’d have if your lullabies were sung by a buff angel like Vin Diesel? Exactly – nothing but top-shelf dreams. God, that baby is SO lucky.
Here’s more of that lucky baby’s father at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party on Sunday night. I know that your eyes already got a taste of him on Monday, but here’s more, because who couldn’t use a couple more pictures of that Growly Adonis:
The Charlotte-Observer reports that Mirjana Puhar, who was a contestant on America’s Next Top Model last season, was murdered at a home in Charlotte, North Carolina last night. Mirjana was only 19 years old.
TMZ says that one of Mirjana’s friends was called by someone who heard gunshots coming from her boyfriend’s house. Why that someone didn’t call the police instead is beyond me. When the friend showed up to the house, he found the bodies of Mirjana and her boyfriend of only a few months Jonathan Cosme Alvarado. The friend also saw a bunch of money scattered all over the place. The friend called police who later found the body of Jonathan’s roommate Jusmar Isiah Gonzaga-Garcia. The police believe drugs was the reason for why they were killed. The police also said that they believe the victims knew their killer.
According to The Charlotte-Observer, 19-year-old Emmanuel Jesus Rangel was later arrested and charged with three counts of first-degree murder. Emmanuel was really on a murder spree, because he was also charged for a homicide that happened in a motel on Sunday.
Mirjana was in the 21st season of America’s Next Top Model, which wrapped up last December. She was the youngest in the game and was the 7th model eliminated. The show mainly focused on Mirjana’s brief thing with Denzel, one of the dude models. Mirjana had a boyfriend at the time so drama ensued. Mirjana was born in Serbia and her family came to America after the Kosovo War. She lived in Charlotte for the past 10 years.
Rest in peace, Mirjana.
I know what you’re thinking: FINALLY! Go ahead and tell your boss that you’re leaving work early, go home, and crawl into bed – you’re going to want to catch up on all that sleep you lost over this butterscotch belly button business, I’m sure.
During an interview with BBC’s Radio 1 Breakfast Show (via Yahoo) the human version of Cheerleader from Teen Girl Squad Taylor Swift was asked why back in January we went from living in a world where nobody knew what Taylor Swift’s belly button looked like to a world where Taylor Swift’s belly button was staring us down like a frightened spider in the bathtub. Taylor explained the reason why she posted a picture of herself in a belly button-baring bikini during her Hawaiin vacation with the Haim girls to Instagram and – surprise surprise – it had to do with making sure someone not named Taylor Swift wasn’t making a single dime off of Taylor Swift:
“My security gets out the binoculars and sees that [the paparazzi] have a huge long lens camera. … At which point, we go back to the beach and realize, ‘okay, so they got pictures of us in our bikinis’. I don’t want them to make, like, $100,000 for a bikini shot. And so we’re like, ‘Get up on the bow of the boat: we’re taking better bikini shots so that they don’t make as much money on theirs.’”
Does Tay Tay really think a picture of her in a bikini is worth $100,000? Someone needs to inform her that as long as Target still carries Beach Fun Barbie™, we can see that shit for free.
But wait a second – I thought the paps were on Tay Tay’s BFF list? I’m sure there’s a very panic-stricken pap outside Tay Tay’s apartment in New York at this very minute screaming “No YOU calm down, Larry! What if we’re next? What if she stops calling us to take pictures of her walking to and from her car twice a day? I just put a down payment on a boat, for chrissakes!”
Here’s Tay Tay at the Elle Style Awards last night not wearing a peacoat and a cloche for once:
Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com
This does make sense since bitch already has the costumes, makeup, eyebrow wigs, etc….
Both FX and Lady CaCa announced today that she will star in the fifth season of American Horror Story (not to be confused with American Whorror Story starring the Kardashians on E!). This is kind of shocking, because based on Shonda Rhimes’ glowing review of CaCa’s Oscar performance, you’d think she’d make her television acting debut in Scandal. Actually, I shouldn’t say “television acting debut,” because she did play the pivotal role of “girl at swimming pool #2″ in an episode of The Sopranos.
The fifth season is titled American Horror Story: Hotel and it’s rumored that it’ll take place in Nevada. That mess will start shooting in July and splatter against our TV screens in October. Jessica Lange already said that AHS: Freak Show may be her last, so there’s a chance she will not be back for season 5. No, Jessica Lange and all CaCa? That means there will be 10,000% more musical numbers. That IS a horror story. I am all for this idea if Connie Sellecca recreates her role as Christine from Hotel for this shit.
Here’s the announcement that CaCa made using a leftover costume from her Fame Monster days:
— Lady Gaga (@ladygaga) February 25, 2015
If Ryan Murphy really wants to make the most terrifying AHS of all-time, he’d scrap the hotel idea and do American Horror Story: Mentions instead. All he has to do is talk shit about Lady Gaga on Twitter and film his mentions in real-time. There’s nothing scarier than watching the batshit Little Monsters spew death threats and craziness on Twitter.
Lindsay Lohan Thinks Her Acting Is A Gift To The Community And She Should Get Credit For It (UPDATE)
Lindsay Lohan is still scrambling to do whatever she can to keep the judge in L.A. from declaring that she violated probation by not completing 240 community service hours. LiLo already tried to pass off stage door “meet and greets” and letting kids follow her around all day as community service. She also got Esurance to donate $10,000 to CSV, the London-based community service organization that is keeping track of her hours. Well, now TMZ is saying that LiLo tried to count her performance in Speed-The-Plow as community service. Yes, LiLo keeps finding ways to redefine the definition of shameless, but I don’t even know why she’s trying. She could flip off the judge while saying, “Here’s proof of my community service hours, Judge Cunty McEatMe,” and the judge would still let her go and probably sentence themselves to jail for wasting her time.
Raise your hand if you too looked at this picture of Jamie Dornan and the sad Charlie Brown music started playing. Something tells me that’s the exact same face he made when his agent told him he’s not going anywhere.
Yesterday there was a rumor going around that Jamie Dornan had found a loophole in the contract he signed with Satan that could get him out of a Fifty Shades of Grey sequel and he was saying ‘bye bitch’ to Christian Grey. However, today Jamie Dornan is saying the rumor that he’s leaving is a lie (even if in his heart I’m sure he wishes it were true). Jamie’s people released a statement to ABC News today confirming that he has no plans to leave that awful mess:
“Jamie is delighted that the film is breaking box office records worldwide and whilst the studio has not made any formal announcements about sequels, he is looking forward to making the next film.”
I speak bullshit PR, so allow me to translate for you: Jamie signed a contract, so Jamie can’t leave. We don’t care how embarrassed he is of Fifty Shades, as long as this shit is pulling in more money than Jesus after rigging the powerball in Heaven, he’ll put on the grey suit and make with the slappitty-slap.
Well, there you have it. Looks like EL James can stop writing a list (sorry – poorly writing a list) of potential hunks to replaceme Jamie and living breathing tube of unflavored Carmex Dakota Johnson can stop texting her agent “NOT FAIR! WHY DOES HE GET TO LEAVE?!?“
Thundersnow brings out the best in Jim Cantore. – THE Eunice Burns
March of the Peenguins. – FluffKitteh
Elsa, the snow-shoveling Labrador!
Of course her name is Elsa. But you know, if you sat in any vet or pediatrician’s waiting room, every name called would be the name Elsa, because nearly everyone’s name is Elsa. But this Elsa’s name fits her perfectly, because she loves her family’s ice rink so much that she’ll clear it of snow and I’m pretty sure her farts sound like the chorus to “Let It Go.” But then again, at this point, doesn’t everyone’s farts sound exactly like the chorus to “Let It Go“?
Elsa’s human Greg Cox shot and edited this video of Elsa being a perfect role model to all dogs by actually doing some goddamn work. Elsa grabbed the shovel and tried to clear the snow off of the backyard ice rink. If you’re wondering why they have a backyard ice rink, it’s Canada. I think everyone in Canada is legally required to have a backyard ice rink. Greg wrote on Twitter that his dog is more than ready for hockey to start. Or maybe Elsa is just ready to laugh on the inside while watching humans bust their ass on the ice while ice skating. Whatever the case may be, Elsa is a treasure.
I’m not even lying. When I watched this yesterday, my chihuahua, who sleeps 90% of the day in a dog bed next to my desk, pulled his ass up and walked out of the room. That was the most intensive labor he did all day. If it didn’t take too much energy, he would’ve shook his head no like, “Not even here for this.” He could not lie there as I watched this pro-dog labor propaganda!
Carrot Top (50)
Isabelle Fuhrman (18)
Tony Oller (24)
Abby Wilde (26)
Justin Berfield (29)
Oliver & James Phelps (29)
Kimberly Caldwell (33)
Rashida Jones (39)
Chelsea Handler (40)
Julio Iglesias Jr. (42)
Anson Mount (42)
Sean Astin (44)
Daniel Powter (44)
Alexis Denisof (49)
Tea Leoni (49)
Nancy O’Dell (49)
Veronica Webb (50)
Lee Evans (51)
Neil Jordan (65)
Ric Flair (66)
Jack Handey (66)
Sally Jesse Raphael (80)
Ryan Gosling goes to Disneyland so damn much that if you stand on the street with an “It’s A Small World” sign over your crotch, there’s a good chance he’ll go inside – Lainey Gossip
The time Mario Testino told Dev Patel he was too homely looking to be with Freida Pinto. Hmm, I wonder if Mario ever said the same thing to Prince Charles about Princess Diana? – Celebitchy
And here’s Jennifer Lawrence showing off her little pink puss, I mean, purse – Drunken Stepfather
Australians don’t want Abby Lee Miller to come to their country – Reality Tea
Indiana Jones starring Chris Pratt might really, really happen in real life – The Superficial
Michael Sam pranked a TMZ cameraman who doesn’t know what a Game of Thrones is – Towleroad
And 3 minutes after these pictures were taken, a sugar-loving child ripped off all those flower things on Emily Blunt’s dress because they look like candy – Popoholic
How many poor shaggy dogs had to be shaved to trim Cara Delawhatever’s jacket? - Hollywood Tuna
Um, Apple hasn’t released an emoji with stoned eyes and wavy hair yet, so they’re still not representing me. Try again, Apple! – OMG Blog
Kanye West said words again – Popsugar
And yes, this is still sexier and more riveting than Fifty Shades of Shit - HuffPo
This wouldn’t have happened if Left Shark hosted – Jezebel
Remember when I said that Patricia Arquette had a lot to say about wage equality? Well, she’s got a lot lot more to say – Pajiba
Position #10: The Shower Cry – Turn on the shower to desired temperature. Take off your clothes, sit at the bottom of the shower and cry while thinking about E.L. James fingering herself as she wrote about those other 9 positions – The Berry
Eddie Murphy is trying the music thing again, but sadly he’s not doing a sequel to “Party All The Time” called “Too Old To Party So I Watch HGTV All The Time Now” – SOW
Sofia Vergara and Joe ManJello’s wedding isn’t happening this summer – ICYDK