And Here’s Carly Fiorina Falling….

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Because one of Dlisted’s favorite pastimes is joining together to laugh at someone falling, here’s the secret weapon that is miraculously going to win Ted Cruz the Republican presidential nomination falling over at a rally in Lafayette, Indiana yesterday. Right as Donald Trump knocked a Carly Fiorina voodoo doll off of a table, Ted Cruz’s premature running mate fell over after announcing him as the next President of the United States. When Carly went down, it looked like the only Cruzes who cared were Heidi and one of her daughters, as Ted kept on fucking that chicken. Get into Carly falling through an invisible trap door:

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

If Carly popped back up and said, “Don’t bother me, I’m just wasted,” everyone would’ve just shrugged, because almost anyone involved in this circus of an election has to be tanked morning, noon and night to get through that shit. Mediate posted another angle of Cruz’s omen, and Carly doesn’t really fall off of the stage. She just falls over, and Ted Cruz sort of looks at her and keeps on shaking hands. It still gives me shades of this important moment in the history of falling (and ignoring):

Carly tried, but she still didn’t out-fall the Queen of Falls Michelle Williams!

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Amy Schumer Isn’t Here For Fans Who Take Her Picture Without Her Permission

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

I have only asked for a picture with a famous person once in my life. It was with Weird Al Yankovic, and by the way I was acting, you’d think I was asking him for a kidney or something; just lots of apologizing and embarrassment (and also severe anxiety from trying not to shit my pants). Thankfully, he didn’t mind. But some celebrities aren’t so psyched when you put a camera in their face and ask for a selfie, and they’re especially not into it if they say no and you do it anyway. For example, if you see Amy Schumer on the street and wonder what face she’ll make if you were to pull out your iPhone, that “Not into your shit” look above might be a pretty good indication.

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What Kind Of Trashy Shit Did Justin Bieber Get Called Out For Today?

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Believe it or not, those hideous ass tulip hem jeans from the shitty bowels of the 90s aren’t the most offensive thing in that picture.

Justin Bieber’s dried drop of dick discharge of a daddy Jeremy Bieber (not to be confused with his other daddy Usher) and his fiancee Chelsea Rebelo threw an engagement party at a mansion in Toronto on Saturday, and the whole thing was as tacky as you’d expect. The engagement party was also supposed to be an “art show,” and it should’ve been called “Douches On Display,” but the show was called  “Nyotaimori Celebrating Life Love And Art” instead. There was a Batmobile and people in superhero costumes, and the douche-induced rash clinging to the inside of humanity’s vagina performed for guests. You would think that forcing guests to listen to Justin Bieber would be the biggest act of cruelty to happen at that party, but it wasn’t.

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Someone Is Trying To Sell A Sex Tape Starring Blac Chyna And Tyga, And She’s Not Happy About It (UPDATE)

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

There’s a chance Kim Kardashian will finally have someone to talk sex tapes with at the family Khristmas party this year, and that person is her brother’s fiance, Blac Chyna. According to TMZ, a sex tape allegedly starring Blac Chyna and her then-fiance Tyga is currently being shopped around. However, Kimmy probably shouldn’t count on the conversation turning to comparing the numbers on their residual checks, because Blac Chyna doesn’t want that tape to see the light of day. “You know honey, maybe this family isn’t the right fit for you” whispered Kris Jenner to her future daughter-in-law.

Blac Chyna’s lawyer tells TMZ that she’s willing to sue the hell out of whoever releases the tape. Her lawyer isn’t hitting print on a lawsuit just yet; TMZ says that the sex tape has been sent to several media outlets and porn companies, but no one has handed over any cash for it yet. One of the reasons may be that apparently you can’t really tell that it’s Blac Chyna and Tyga who are the ones doing the fucking. Okay, honestly? That sounds like a major selling point to me. TMZ claims that the only indication that it’s them is by their tattoos.

TMZ doesn’t say who is trying to sell a sex tape of Blac Chyna rubbing her plastic bits on Tyga’s business, but I have my suspicions. Let’s see, who does Blac Chyna know that is that hard up for cash? I guess you do what you gotta do to prevent the repo man from taking back any more of your cars. Don’t worry Tyga, I’m sure someone will help you out eventually. “Hey, if you’re not interested in the sex tape, I got an unopened DVD box set of the first six seasons of KUWTK and a half-used Kylie Lip Kit in Dolce that I’d be willing to let go for $40.

UPDATE: Someone is apparently really desperate for cash. TMZ says that more than $200,000 in cash and jewelry was stolen from a safe in Blac Chyna’s home this weekend. Police suspect that it was someone close to Chyna, because there was no evidence of a break-in and there was no damage done to the safe. TMZ thinks that the thief/thieves could have been looking for a hard copy of the sex tape.

Here’s one-half of the stars of the might-exist sex tape (possible title: Sprayed in Chyna) looking like a broke years Mushmouth from Fat Albert while walking around New York yesterday.

Pics: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

The Real Doll that got to live like a queen in Indonesia for a little while! 

Indonesia is mostly Muslim and Metro UK says that they consider solar eclipses a spiritual event. After there was a partial lunar eclipse on March 12, a fisherman from a small village on Banggai island  found a fuck doll floating in the ocean and thought she was an angel who fell from the sky during the solar eclipse. The local media reports that he took the fallen angel back to his house, where his family dressed her up in a new ensemble and hijab every single day and sat her in a chair like the queen she is.

This kind of reminds me of when people see Jesus on toast or bananas. But did important Hot Slut from 2009 Banana Jesus get dressed up in clothes and worshipped on a throne? I think not. Angel Real Doll is showing him up. Here she is clearly making a look that says, “Shush, nobody tell them that I’m soooo not a virgin.

hsotdrealdoll2016

When the news got around that the fisherman’s family had a holy angel living in their house, the police got involved and “investigated.” It didn’t take them too long to figure out that the angel was actually a sex doll and they took her away from the fisherman to “avoid any potential controversy.” Uh huh, I’m sure the officer who took her in is going to use a couple of his vacation days and lube sales on Banggai island are going to jump up by 1000%.

‘So it was checked by one of our team. It was a sex toy,’ the area’s police chief Heru Pramukarno said.

He said police took the doll away to avoid any potential controversy.

If that fuck doll could feel emotions and had a brain, she’d probably be pissed at the cops. She had it made. And if all-plastic blossom Courtney Stodden ever wants to be worshipped like a true holy queen, she should just float naked in the ocean off of Banggai island.

Pics: Detik News

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Birthday Sluts

May 2, 2016 / Posted by:

Donatella Versace (61)
Kay Panabaker (26)
Thomas McDonnell (30)
Lily Allen (31)
Sarah Hughes (31)
Robert Buckley (35)
Ellie Kemper (36)
Jenna von Oy (39)
David Beckham (41)
Pandora Boxx (44)
The Rock (44)
Mika Brzezinski (49)
Stephen Daldry (56)
Christine Baranski (64)
David Suchet (70)
Bianca Jagger (71)
Engelbert Humperdinck (80)

Pic: Getty

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Opeen Post: Hosted By An Accidental Dick Cameo

May 1, 2016 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t already made a GIF out of this moment and have used it to lull into a wet dream sleep for the past few nights, here’s the video of John Barrowman’s husband delivering a surprise dick appearance in a live stream last week. The Internet runs on dick, so bless John Barrowman’s husband for keeping the machine running.

HuffPo says that John Barrowman was doing a live stream from his house in Palm Springs, CA last weekend about the wind on Facebook Live, when his husband Scott Gill and his husband’s Tarzan vine of a peen swung into the frame.

John Barrowman should stick to the whole actor thing and not even think about getting into the weatherman game, because it’s not his thing. I mean, in his weather report, he talks about the crosswinds blowing one way, but judging by his man’s peen, the winds were blowing every which way. Here’s the NSFW-esque video of John Barrowman proving he’s living the life, because what else do you need other than a hot tub and big dick?

That day, John laughed about it in a FB video. I don’t think Scott’s peen was too embarrassed about it, because lord, it looks like it’s waving at the camera like, “Hey, girl!

If that video comes down, Metro UK has it.

(Thanks to everybody who dropped this into my inbox)

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Duchess Kate Is British Vogue’s Centenary Cover Girl

May 1, 2016 / Posted by:

A hundred years is a long time! There’s a lot you could do in that time. Like go through every page of DListed. Or sample every brand of boxed wine. That’s all I can think of, really. It’s also a big enough number that it warrants a celebration or something special. British Vogue has chosen to commemorate their old ass birthday by having Duchess Kate on their cover. How very patriotic! Well, sort of, it’s not like she’s a princess…

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The White House Correspondents’ Dinner Red Carpet Starring Gary Fisher

May 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Last night was the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. President Obama actually made the room, and me, laugh. Larry Wilmore didn’t. Donald Trump was a no show. And there were tons, TONS, of celebrities (and celebrity-adjacents) there. Celebrities love nothing more than being invited to fancy political things because, I imagine, they feel it makes them legitimate. “Well! Mr President Barack Obama thought I was worth his time,” I see some TV actress saying when doors get shut in her face at auditions for shows at about teens played by people in their late-30s. So let’s get down to who was there and what they wore.

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