Kim Kartrashian was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and decades later that silver spoon was replaced with Ray-J’s boomerang peen, which made her family of fame whores even richer and worldwide famous. But the human fart bubble of potent delusion tells the London Evening Standard’s ES Magazine that her parents didn’t hand her anything (except for keys to the luxury car they bought her, cell phones, credit cards with no limits and the contract with Lucifer that PMK made her sign) and she had to work for all the luxuries she has and she expects North West to do the same thing. “The hell do you call this, heffa? A hobby?” is what North West is thinking to herself as wardrobe stylists dress her in a suede onesie, Converse kitten heels and a zebra skin bolero to shoot scenes for Krapping Up the Kartrashians.
Brad Pitt, a man that with every passing year starts to look more and more like the long-lost illegitimate son of the Zig-Zag man (Maury, get on that), made an appearance on Zach Galifianakis’ “Between Two Ferns” to promote that WW2 movie where he plays a dude with the same haircut as every hipster who owns a coffee shop in Silver Lake (aka Fury). Poor Brapi; I can only imagine how disappointed he was when he walked on set and realized the two ferns he’d be in between weren’t weed plants. And yet, why do I get the feeling he probably tried to smoke them anyway?
My favorite episodes of “Between Two Ferns” are the ones where Zach Galapagos Islands and his guest throw subtle shade before reading each other to FILTH (see: Zach vs. President Barack Obama). But that never really happens here, because Brapi appears to have just woken up from his 2pm stoner nap and is too tie-tie to make with the funny. Case in point:
This is the face Brad made right after Zach brought out Louis CK. And now we know what St. Angie sees whenever she follows the trail of Funyun crumbs from the kitchen into the den and finds Brad staring at the light switch. “But where does the light go when I turn it off? It’s a mystery, man.”
And while it was nice of Zach to gift Brad with a “bassoon”, he doesn’t actually have any use for it. Hanging around St. Angie and the chosen ones all day is enough to make anyone feel higher than an LSD-dipped ‘shroom sandwich. It’s true! I’ve actually heard that smelling St. Angie’s hair is a big problem for teenage angels at Heaven High.
Here’s runny vom vom up my froat, because TMZ says that Mama June has really taken the bad decisions cake, gobbled it whole, threw it up and then ate it again by dating a convicted child molester who just get out of prison. Yeah, Mama June put Sugar Bear on the curb for flirting with some chicks he met on a dating site and has allegedly moved on to a child touching monster. Well, if scientists were wondering if eating massive amounts of sketti sauce and cheese balls rots the part of your brain that operates your sense of reason, they got their answer.
Here I was thinking that Mama June and Sugar Bear’s break up was just a good old fashioned scripted stunt for Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, but it turns out that America’s First Family of Class really has broken into a million pieces and slipped down into the gutter. A source tells TMZ that Mama June’s new piece is Mark McDaniel, a 53-year-old piece of trash who was convicted of aggravated child molestation for molesting an 8-year-old girl. He was sent to prison for 10 years. Mama June dated him when he molested the girl and the girl is one of her relatives. Yeah, so this is just a Big Gulp of GROSS.
The source says that Mark McDaniel got out of prison in March and it didn’t take long for him and Mama June to hook up again. While Honey Boo Boo was shooting, Mama June allegedly snuck out of the house to spend time with her sex offender boo. TMZ has a picture of them snuggling in a hotel bed together if you really want to spend a few minutes of your day cleaning barf off of your screen after two waves of puke shot out of your eye sockets.
TLC told TMZ that Honey Boo Boo isn’t in production right now and “we are very concerned about this new information and are reassessing the future of the series.” Translation: “After learning this information, we have renewed Here Comes Honey Boo Boo for 5 more seasons, because rating$$$$!”
Mama June hasn’t farted up a statement about this yet, but a Dlisted reader sent me screen shots of her (or someone who has access to the Honey Boo Boo FB account) response (which she or someone else later deleted) in a thread on Facebook about this heave-inducing story. Mama June is allegedly screaming ‘SHOPPED and denies sleeping with the enemy:
Mama June has a history of humping on felons, so sadly this wouldn’t be that shocking if it was true. If it’s true, then Mama June doesn’t have to worry about the gnats nibbling the cheese on her Forklift Foot anymore, because even they will be so grossed out that they’d quit her for good. And TLC should probably change the name of the show to: RUN, HONEY BOO, RUUUUUN!
Don’t you have to actually do something to take a break from it? NO! That’s mean! Kristen Stewart is an excellent actress. I’ve never seen a performer with such a broad emotional range: bored, sullen, mopey, melancholy, bored, tired. Sometimes The Perpetual Apathetic Shrug Machine looks like she’s not acting by showing no emotion at all! She’s THAT good. She’s so good, she’s told USA Today (via Us Weekly) that she’s decided to take a break and let other actors have a chance at all the sullen teenager parts in Hollywood so she can focus on her true calling: ART!
“I’m taking some time off because I’ve been working for two years. I’m an actor and that’s my art form, and because I started that so young, I’ve always felt intimidated and insufficient when I think about other forms of art I want to create.”
“I’m going to take so much time off. I’m going to buy a live-work space in downtown L.A. and I’m going to make some [stuff] with my hands. Literally, I made that decision a few weeks ago. I’m making a short film. I’m making a bunch of stuff. I don’t know how I’ll put it out. But I’m not going to hold it so preciously close to me. I write all the time.”
Oh, we’ve read the kind of poetry you’ve been writing, KStew, and it’s a goddamn REVELATION. I sincerely hope she finds a way to merge some spoken word into her art, because the art world truly needs more eloquent emo teen WTF-ery like “One honest day up on this freedom pole“. Ooh, maybe she’ll sculpt an actual freedom pole? And if I know anything about art (and I do, since I spent 4 years of my life in art school), then that pole will be a giant dick. When in doubt, make it a dick! Dicks are ~deep~.
But I’m a little concerned for Hollywood. What will they do now that the human grimace is temporarily retired? I don’t think there’s anyone grumpy enough to fill in for KStew, besides Grumpy Cat (and that pussy is already being worked harder than a Kardashian at an NBA event). Kristen’s first art piece should be a mopey-looking wooden sculpture of herself that she can rent out to studios to fill in for her. It will be like she never left!
My vote and upvote winner:
There once were two toilets named Mary
Who stood next to something quite scary.
When the peens came to call
They could handle it all
Even though sizes may vary. – OurMissC
In the 80s and 90s, we were really easy to entertain (although, some things never change since I spent a good chunk of my night watching more cyst popping videos on YouTube, because I never want to swallow food again), so the Splash Out ball from the early 90s brought hours upon hours of wet fun. There was really nothing to it. You stuck a water balloon in it, set the timer and played Hot Potato with a group until the loser got a face full of water. I know, a ball exploding liquid in your face… EVERYTHING in the early 90s was HIGHLY inappropriate.
The Splash Out ball must’ve been cheap, because I had one and most of my friends had one. Mine broke almost right away after some careless ass dropped it on the concrete, but it brought tons of wet fun before it’s tragic murder. When nobody was around, I’d play a game of Splash Out by myself. I’d put it on the ground, wait for a few seconds, pick it up and repeat until it exploded. Playing Splash Out by myself was the saddest moment in my life (until last night when I watched 7 cyst popping videos in a row).
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This is Johnny Depp as The Wolf in Into The Woods. I’m guessing that in this version, Little Red Riding Hood never makes it to grandma’s house, because she laughs herself into a coma from seeing The Wolf looking like a cross between Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear and Riff-Raff from Heathcliff - i09
Here’s a hooded Bendadick Cumsinbatches and sadly that link doesn’t lead to pictures of his uncut peen – Lainey Gossip
Kate Gosselin is having a yard sale, so if you’re in the market for a kid or Jon Gosselin’s nutsack, you know where to go – Reality Tea
Selena Gomez has jumped off the douche peen and is back on the elf peen (maybe) – Celebitchy
A bald James Franco, Megan Fox, fake blood and a white boa are in the same picture together and I don’t know what’s going on but I’m sure HIGH ART is being made – Drunken Stepfather
Beyonce and Jay-Z renewed their vows, which means they’ll be divorced in 6 months – Time
Shia LaDouche says something about Christianity and I need to find God myself, because I’m actually starting to get the tingles over his shirtless pictures – The Superficial
Try not to fall over with shock, but a Catholic school is not letting a lesbian drama starring Julianne Mooore and Ellen Page shoot on their campus – Towleroad
Somebody kindly tell Kelly Brook that Brit Brit owns the fug boots game in L.A. – Hollywood Tuna
The Porn Iguana gets naked and gives you a picture straight out of a MILF’s casual encounters Craigslist ad – WWTDD
And I’m pretty sure the Florida Mom action figure has more meth-related accessories than the Walter White action figure – Pajiba
Joan Rivers was rich. QVC money is no joke – Gawker
Vanessa Hudgens knows Coachella is still months away, right? – Popoholic
Pimp Mama Kris wants all the rich dudes out there to know that Kylie Jenner is still up for sale – ICYDK
Chris Evans and Minka Kelly are probably doing it again – Popsugar
John Mayer and Bob Saget are probably doing it too – Just Jared
I think I spot a poopy floating in those bubbles – SOW
Ke$ha wants to go to there – The Berry
We’ve all been there. We’ve all ended up in a booth at KFC after our bastard live-in piece dumped us. We’ve all tried to drown our feelings with chicken wings, french fries and that gross tub of lawnmower barf they try to pass as coleslaw. We’ve all woken up in a puddle of our drool and biscuit crumbs on a KFC table and have watched the sun set 7 times as our salty tears fall into a Styrofoam tub full of mashed potatoes. We’ve all kept the bathroom door shut with one foot as we wash the 3-day stank out of our chonies in the sink. It has happened to all of us and it happened to 26-year-old Tan Shen of Chengdu in China.
At Elle’s Women In Hollywood Awards (aka The Second Unveiling Of Renee Zellweger’s New Mug ) in L.A. on Monday night, Tina Fey was given an award and during her acceptance speech, she praised the late great Jan Hooks while dropping a glorious deuce on Deuce Bigelow. Here’s a piece of Tina’s speech via Vanity Fair:
“She was another woman who meant so much to me. When we were doing 30 Rock and we needed to cast Jane Krakowski’s estranged Florida dirtbag mother and I thought, ‘My God, do you think we could get Jan Hooks? And the answer was like, ‘Yeah, you can get her.’ She was living in Woodstock. And the phone was not ringing.
She was actually a little shy about jumping back into the game. And she came down and she was so funny. We did a scene where Jenna and her mother are reunited [and they] sing their duet that they used to sing in pageants when Jenna was a child. And it was a mother and a daughter singing to each other, ‘Do that to me one more time . . . ’ And it was so funny and the crew was so mesmerized. It was all at once the most ridiculous and heartbreaking and beautiful [and] weird mother-daughter relationship. And I’m so proud of it.
It made me sad when she passed, and it made me mad at the time how available she was. Jan should have had a bigger career. Jan deserved a big movie career. Certainly as big as Rob Schneider’s fucking career. She was a bigger star on S.N.L.”
You know who’s not laughing at that quick burn to Rob Schneider’s asshole? Tina’s accountant and manager. Tina really stepped it in barefoot this time, because now she’ll never get a call for the lady lead in The Animal 2.
And on a soundstage up in heaven, Jan Hooks is taking a break from shooting a big-budget Candy Sweeney movie and is thinking to herself, “So THAT’S what I should’ve done. I should’ve been Adam Sandler’s best friend.”