The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For February 9th!

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

When I Googled “old fossil riding a whore” I thought it would take me to Hugh Hefner and a Bunny. – 38chrysler

Upvote winners (it’s a tie!):

All opposed to a Brokeback Mountain sequel starring Matthew McConaughey say ‘neigh’. – Mother Chucker

Jurassic World Cup – Ikcor

Pic: WREG

Hot Slut Of The Day!

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Miles Robbins!

Susan Sarandon decided to give her world-famous 69-year-old tits the night off because she’s kind of enough to know that Piers Morgan’s peen is going to need some time to recover from him rubbing it raw while hate-tweeting about her. Susan Sarandon showed up to the Zoolander 2 premiere in NYC with her headline-making chichis covered up with a demure Day of the Dead tarp/coat thing. She probably wanted all of the attention to go to her 23-year-old son Miles Robbins who went all the way with the theme of the movie and showed up dressed like a poor Lady CaCa going to a business meeting.

It’s really good to be the kid of a celebrity. Because when I go out in public in old lady white pantyhose, a slutty nurse skirt and a Salvation Army-bought blazer covered in little stuffed animals, children cry, hos threaten to beat me up and the cops try to arrest me. But when Miles Robbins does it, trick gets his picture taken. But I’m not going to hate at all, because the look IS 18th century nobleman on the bottom and fourth-tier Brony pimp on the top.

With that being said, he really should’ve covered up his hairy cleavage. It’s really not appropriate for a movie premiere. It’s VULGAR!

Pics: Getty, Wenn.com

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Birthday Sluts

February 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Uzo Aduba (35)
Chloë Grace Moretz (19)
Makenzie Vega (22)
Emma Roberts (25)
Stephanie Beatriz (35)
Holly Willoughby (35)
Elizabeth Banks (42)
Laura Dern (49)
Vince Gilligan (49)
Glenn Beck (52)
Alexander Payne (55)
George Stephanopoulos (55)
Jim Cramer (61)
Mark Spitz (66)
Michael Apted (75)
Roberta Flack (77)
Robert Wagner (86)
Leontyne Price (89)

Pic: Harper’s Bazaar

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Night Crumbs

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

Blake NotSoLively was at a NYC fan screening of Deadpool and she wore what looks like a unicorn’s overly dirty litter box. But the bigger story is that she didn’t pass out on the carpet after her publicist said no to her question, “Um, is Mike’s Hard Lemonade made with organic lemons from a Southern plantation?”Lainey Gossip 

Pimp Mama Kris’s anus slit of a mouth spit out some chunky delusion while talking to Harper’s Bazaar. Something tells me she’ll have to call up her business partner Lucifer and tell him she didn’t mean all that stuff about believing in God – Celebitchy

I linked to pictures of AnnaLynne McCord’s nipples yesterday so I may as well link to pictures of her nipple trying to break free from nipple tape today – The Nip Slip 

Oh, America, the place where you can commit a crime, go to prison and then make a whole lot of cash by talking about it on every damn talk show in the country. Teresa Giudice is living the American dream!  – Reality Tea 

Chelsea Handler’s bare ass cheeks made their return to Instagram. I know you’ve been missing them – Drunken Stepfather

My prayers have been answered: Tom Hardy’s dick unpixelated! – The Superficial 

Jennifer Lawrence’s hair is looking very Chris Crocker circa 2007 – Hollywood Tuna 

Russell Tovey’s nipples apologized to that theatergoer for making him faint – Towleroad

DMX almost died from an asthma attack that was not brought on by the bad shit, so says his people – HuffPo

Oh, I just spent about a full minute staring at Ashley Benson’s crotch while trying to find a camel toe. How was your day? – Popoholic

The heads of the CDC held an emergency meeting today, which could only mean one thing: It’s true, Aubrey O’Day and Pauly D are bumping self tanner-covered fuck parts – Starcasm

Okay, but is Jonathan Cheban going to explain why his face looks like it was made using parts from a plastic lion mask and a Roy Horn wax figure? – Popsugar

Janice Dickinson’s defamation lawsuit against Bill Cosby’s ex-lawyer has been thrown out. “YAAASSS!” screamed Kanye and only Kanye – Jezebel

Blossom flashed her cleavage at Piers Morgan…. – SOW

Today in sad, Ken Watanabe has stomach cancer – Just Jared

Pic: Wenn.com

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Pure Blasphemy: Ludivine The Dog Beat Joan Collins For The Title of Hot Slut Of January

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

When I finally woke up and made Joan Collins Hot Slut of the Day for the first time on January 1st, I thought that I’d see her become Hot Slut of the Month, then Hot Slut of the Year, then Hot Slut of the Decade and then Hot Slut of the Century. (I just started taking a multi-vitamin and red wine has mostly become my booze of choice, so obviously I’m going to live way past 120.) But my dreams drowned in a puddle of hound dog drool that was slobbered out by half-marathon champion Ludivine! The door to Hell’s special place now has a plaque on it that reads: “Welcome everybody who voted against Joan Collins in Dlisted’s Hot Slut of the Month contest.

The first Hot Slut of the Month battle of 2016 wasn’t even that close. It was down to living legend Joan Collins, Chic Jeans, Malibu Musk and Ludivine the dog who won 7th place in a half-marathon without trying. Ludivine got almost 43% of the votes, Joan Collins got almost 35%, Chic Jeans got 12% and Malibu Musk got 10%. I blame all of you who voted for Chic Jeans and Malibu Musk. If your votes went to Joan, she would’ve won! I also blame Polldaddy for making an un-riggable product. I blame everyone!

Well, congratulations to Ludivine for becoming Dlisted’s first HSOTM of 2016. She’s a star, a champion and she’ll go on to the Hot Slut of the Year finals in 2017. That’s if God doesn’t throw a lightning bolt at Dlisted’s server (aka a fat stoned hamster napping on a wheel) for doing Joan wrong like this. If you need me I’ll be in the corner trying to come up with a way to make February’s Hot Slut of the Month contest be between Joan Collins, Joan Collins, Joan Collins and….. Joan Collins.

Thanks to everyone who voted (even you hurtful bitches who didn’t vote for Joan Collins)!

Pic: Ludivine’s Facebook

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Open Post: Hosted By Kimmy Gibbler’s Scrunchie In The New “Fuller House” Trailer

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

KIMMY GIBBLER and those other two were on Ellen today to introduce the first full trailer for Fuller House and well, it looks awful and is filled with so much cheese you won’t be able to shit for days after seeing it. In other words, it looks just like the original and I’m sure I’ll love every second of it as long as I watch it with my best friend (a fully stocked bong).

The bad news is that the trailer has way too much DJ Tanner in it and we hear Carly Rae Jepsen’s version of the theme song. Getting Carly Rae Jepsen to re-do the theme song tells me that the producers don’t know their own characters at all. I mean, Kimmy and DJ’s favorite artist of all-time Stacey Q should’ve done the theme song. How rude! Actually, that’s beyond rude. It’s straight-up disrespectful!

The good news is that the trailer has plenty of Kimmy Gibbler in it. She saves everything. The producers messed up on the theme song, but they did realize that the best way to save a show is to throw in Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie. If the Coen Brothers put Kimmy Gibbler in a scrunchie in Hail, Caesar!, it would’ve been the biggest box office hit of the year instead of flopping.

Matt Damon To Leonardo DiCaprio: You Don’t Have To Try So Hard To Make An Award-Winning Movie

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s no secret that Leonardo DiCaprio worked harder for his Oscar nomination this year than….I’m not sure what, actually. Nothing works harder than Leonardo DiCaprio trying to get an Oscar. Leo worked his yacht-lounging ass off during the making of The Revenant. Leo damn near froze to death. Leo ate raw bison livers. Leo had to rassle a bear. I haven’t seen The Revenant, but I’m sure Leo busts out some ugly cry face too. Leo was probably feeling pretty good about all the acting overtime he put in too. That is until Matt Damon swooped in and, like my over-it friend when I tried to milk a twisted ankle for three weeks, reminded him he needs to stop being so fucking dramatic.

Vanity Fair says that Matt Damon joked about Leo’s “OMG I worked so haaard” award season hustle during his introduction of The Martian director Ridley Scott at the Director’s Guild Awards on Saturday night. Both Matt Damon and Leo DiCaprio have both been nominated for all the same Best Actor awards this year, but according to Matt, he didn’t have to suck back bison organs to get his.

“Every night at 6 o’clock, the horn blew and Ridley and I went to dinner. And that’s how you make a movie, and we finished the film really early and we saved 2 million bucks. And Leo – we weren’t cold at all. I’m just sayin’. There’s another way to do it.”

Well that’s easy for Matt to say – he already has an Oscar! He doesn’t know what it’s like to lay awake at night, tossing and turning on top of a pile of naked models, wonder what he’s got to do to win one. “Do I have to beat off a goddamn CGI bear while looking like something that was pulled out of a bus station toilet??? Cause I’ll do it!

Here’s Leo DiCaprio, who probably got a major boner from the sight of all those Oscar silhouettes, and Matt Damon, who looks like a dude who wants to sell you a 36-month lease on a Kia Sedona, at the Oscars nominee luncheon yesterday.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Wait, So Florida’s Official Currency Isn’t Gator?

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

The last time I was in Florida, I tried to pay for a cup of coffee with a baby gator I found lounging in a park. I thought that in Florida you could pay for anything with either a gator, meth or a hand job. No wonder they threw me out, because gator isn’t a form of currency in Florida and this dude learned that the hard way.

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Megan Fox Isn’t Crazy About Turning 30, Or As She Calls It: “So Old”

February 9, 2016 / Posted by:

If you have a young person in your life that you want to encourage to grab life by the butt hole and seize the day and all that shit, go ahead and print out this picture of an almost-30 Megan Fox and tape it to the screen of their iPhone. That way, every time they flip over their phone to take a selfie, they’ll be reminded that life is short and it’s only a matter of time before they’re a crumbling sack of dusty bones ringing death’s doorbell like this old-ass lady here. It’s what Megan Fox would want.

Elderly mothball Megan Fox was on Ellen today to remind us that she subbed in for Zooey Deschanel while she gave birth to Baby Otter, and Ellen DeGeneres made the mistake of bringing up the fact that some parts of Megan will be turning 30 in May.

“When you’re young, that sounds so old. When you’re in high school or even when you’re in your early 20s, it still sounds like, ‘By the time I’m 30, I should just give up.’ Like, what’s the point of going on at that age? And then you turn 30, and you don’t feel any older at all.”

Ellen then added that she felt the same way about people who are 50 and 60 years old, and Megan chimed in that those are the numbers that make you picture a person “in a hospice.

Apparently hearing the word “thirty” causes all the muscles in Megan Fox’s face to emote like she’s never emoted before. So, keep that in mind, future directors who hire Megan Fox.

Really though, Megan clearly needs an oldie in her life who can teach her that sexy is a state of mind, not a number. If only someone could find the real-life versions of Blanche Devereaux and Mona Robinson and convince them to mentor young sexy types in their spare time. We need to think of the future generations of sexy!

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