Bette Midler’s Pro Tip For Ariana Grande Latte: Stop Whoring It Up To Get Ahead

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, it’s official. Bette Midler is my tia who tells my cousins to pull down their skirts and stop running around looking like prostitutas.

Bette Midler took a little break from hunting down the pieces of trash who throw trash out of their car windows to tell The Telegraph how she really feels about the state of pop music today. While talking about her album of girl group covers, Tia Bathhouse Betty says that she’s sick of female pop singers using tits, ass and sex to sell albums and get people to pay attention to them. Bette, who got her start singing in gay bathhouses, used the Lolita Steve Madden bobblehead Ariana Grande Latte as an example. Bette shakes her head at Ariana when that prostituta niña humps a couch while yodeling out one of her shitty songs.

“It’s terrible! It’s always surprising to see someone like Ariana Grande with that silly high voice, a very wholesome voice, slithering around on a couch, looking so ridiculous. I mean, it’s silly beyond belief and I don’t know who’s telling her to do it. I wish they’d stop. But it’s not my business, I’m not her mother. Or her manager. Maybe they tell them that’s what you’ve got to do. Sex sells. Sex has always sold.”

Bette then got into the whole “sex sells” thing and doesn’t know why pop tricks are serving up some fuck action during their performances:

“Well whatever strictures there were have fallen apart. And now it’s whatever you feel like doing you can do. I mean, apparently people really like to pretend they’re having sex. They really like to slap each other’s butts. I mean, don’t ask me. It’s beyond me. I’m too old. I don’t know what the end game is going to be. I don’t know where you go from all that sex in your twenties. I don’t know how you sustain it.”

Finally, Bette had a little advice for pop yodelers like Ariana Grande Latte:

“Trust your talent. You don’t have to make a whore out of yourself to get ahead. You really don’t.”

Bette then went on to say, “And stop humping my lawn and get off of it, you hussy harlot whores!

Bette is right about Ariana Grande. Ariana looks like she’s 12 and she’s always done up like a toddler Lola Bunny, so when she starts bringing the sex, I don’t know whether to laugh or scream for the authorities. Even Abby Lee Miller’s like, “Tone it down, girl, tone it down.” But then again what’s wrong with whoring it up to get some head (typo and it stays)? Whenever I have a thought to ponder, I look to the words of wisdom from our Patron Saint of Philosophy Cristal Connors. We all know how Cristal Connors feels about whoring it up.

“We’re all whores, darlin’!” – Cristal Confucius Connors to Bette Midler and the world.

Chevy Chase Pulled A Johnny Depp By Being A Next-Level Mess At A Humane Society Gala

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

According to Page Six, national treasure Chevy Chase served up some Drunk Pepaw at Thanksgiving realness a week early at the Humane Society’s To The Rescue! Gala last Friday in New York. Chevy was there to introduce Georgina Bloomberg, Amanda Hearst, and Kimberly Ovitz, but it sounds like he might have introduced his liver to several liters of the hard stuff before he crawled on stage, because guests at the event say he was a mess.

Apparently Chevy (who might actually be the real-life Pierce Hawthorne) was “a train wreck” who rambled on and repeated himself. His daughter – who was with him on stage – kept joking with him to knock it off and stick to the script. But even when he tried to gather his remaining sober brain cells and pull it together, but he was still a goddamn disaster. A source says that once he finally got around to mumbling out his introduction of Georgina, Amanda and Kimberly, he threw some shade by saying: “Kimberly Ovitz! Your father was my manager for 20 years, which explains why you haven’t seen me in a movie since 1988!” That’s when Georgina Bloomberg got on stage and read a messy bitch by saying “Thank you, Chevy, for making us all look so together.

Damn, I don’t know if Chevy Chase was drunk or high or just stoned to hell and back on some of those super-strong pepaw pills, but it takes a lot to be the messiest mess at an event where half the guests are licking their buttholes and humping legs. Even the cats were probably throwing him side-eye as they horked up wet hairballs. Rule number one of getting sloppy: never out-sloppy anything dragging their balls across the carpet!

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Father Of The Decade Michael Lohan Got Married To Kate Major And Forgot To Invite Lindsay Lohan And Michael Jr.

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

After several dramatic messy drunken fight-filled years together, talking butt zit Michael Lohan finally made it legal with Smurfette’s trashy second cousin Kate Major in – where else – the great state of Florida. TMZ says that Michael and his knocked-up bride tied the knot on a beach on October 30th in a private ceremony.

So private, in fact, that the only one of Michael’s six offspring to be invited was Baby Landon (seen above pointing to the new family he’d like to adopted by so he can escape those two human disasters). That’s right! Michael didn’t invite the sole reason he’s still clinging to the ass hairs of relevancy, Lindsay Lohan, or his aspiring app mogul son Michael Jr. He also forgot to invite haunted-looking living ghost Ali, Cody Lohan, or his whoopsie baby Ashley Kaufmann.

TMZ says that the Apricot Ashtray eventually found out that her deadbeat dad got hitched, but she didn’t care. Probably because she knows this is only the first of many weddings. Hell, we all know that it’s only a matter of time before Michael and Kate get into a violent booze-fueled fist fight that ends with Michael calling TMZ and Kate filing for divorce. Then once whichever one of them winds up in jail is released, they’ll speed-dial TMZ to announce that they’re getting remarried. It’s the ciiiiiircle of traaaaash.

And just because I love a good pair of thick acrylic porn star blow job nail tips, here’s Michael’s future second ex-wife showing off her new hardware:

michael lohan rings

Take a good look, pawn shops of Florida! You’re going to want to have an estimate on hand for when that busted blonde muppet eventually tries to sell it for margarita money.

Pics: TMZ

Hot Slut Of The Day!

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Ninita, the baby pygmy marmoset from the Rare Special Conservative Foundation who becomes you sitting in a massage chair in the front of Brookstone when he gets a massage from an old, used, janky toothbrush.

This video is a few days old, but there’s no an expiration date on videos of baby pygmy marmosets getting their nerves soothed by a busted toothbrush. Nobody has ever felt relaxation the way this baby pygmy marmoset has felt relaxation. When you’ve just busted an orgasm and you’re lying in a Calgon bath with a bottle of red wine and a fully stocked bong next to you, and an Enya song plays in the background as your nose inhales the relaxing scent wafting off of a Relaxing Zen Glade candle, you might think to yourself, “I’ve reached the pinnacle of relaxation.” Nope, no you haven’t. This baby pygmy marmoset has reached the pinnacle of relaxation.

Ninita is like a living, breathing P.M. Dawn song. He’s set adrift on a memory bliss.

via Cute Overload

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Birthday Sluts

November 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Joel Kinnaman (35)
Amy Grant (54)
Rye Rye (24)
Katie Cassidy (28)
Gaspard Ulliel (30)
Joey Chestnut (31)
Barbara & Jenna Bush (33)
Jerry Ferrara (35)
Christina Applegate (43)
Jill & Jacqueline Hennessey (46)
Billy Burke (48)
Dougray Scott (49)
Kevin Chamberlin (51)
Sonja Morgan (51)
Bruno Tonioli (59)
Charlaine Harris (63)
John Larroquette (67)
Ben Stein (70)

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Night Crumbs

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

While mortals froze their ass lips off at the Paddington premiere in London, Nicole Kidman looked happy and gleeful and probably because her ice queen heart feeds off of the cold – Lainey Gossip 

That Janis Joplin biopic starring Amy Adams is really happening – Celebitchy

The smooth rat known as Pharrell Williams shows off his elevated eyeliner game in a Chanel ad with Cara DelawhateverDrunken Stepfather

FYI: Jennifer Lawrence is Team Vanderpump. Meanwhile, it looks like Giggy is still Team Stop Doing This Shit To Me Please – Reality Tea 

In case you want to know what it would look like if Miley Cyrus tried to fuck Jon HammWWTDD

Michael Sam doesn’t like the way his big coming out party went down – Towleroad

Katy Perry and that tiny dicked pap must’ve made up, because here she is popping out a doody bubble while in a two piece – The Superficial 

So apparently this move made football fans get hard in the nipples – Hollywood Tuna 

Pfft, I’m sure the world’s premiere Rihanna impersonator, Rita Ora, makes a lot more than this Rihanna impersonator – Jezebel

The True Detective 2 character names sound like character names taken from Grand Theft AutoPajiba

Hilary Duff’s daily pap walk to her car got a plot twist in the form of a ticket on her windshield – Popoholic

The sad thing is, if I knew Fifth Harmony was performing a free concert in someone’s yard, I would’ve shown up too – OMG Blog

Whenever I see a topless Adrian Grenier, I always think to myself that his nipples should really be furrier – Popsugar

Are we sure that’s not coke, because that cat is acting coked up – The Berry 

Demi Lovato and Miley Cyrus aren’t friends anymore – ICYDK

While looking at Ben Affleck in the Batman costume, Christian Bale makes the same sad face my dog makes when he watches other dogs play with his toys – HuffPo

This comedian does Kristen Stewart better than Kristen Stewart does Kristen Stewart – Boy Culture

Yes, CSI is still on and it will go on without George EadsJust Jared

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Halle Berry Drags Gabriel Aubry To Court For Allegedly Dyeing And Straightening Their Daughter’s Hair

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s that time again when we’re reminded that Nahla Aubry doesn’t only have the name of a cartoon lion, but she’d also be better off being raised by actual lions, because her parents are the wrong kind of crazy.

Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry are in the middle of a messy, dirty court battle for child support. Halle Berry wants the court to reduce Gabriel Aubry’s monthly child support check from $16,000 all the way down to $3,000, because she thinks his lazy ass needs to get a job. Gabriel has already argued that it’s been hard for him to get modeling jobs ever since Olivier Martinez beat the pretty out of him. Well, those crazy hos are bringing the crazy again and Halle is once again trying to make Gabriel look like a shit puddle of a father.

TMZ says that Gabriel, his lawyers and Halle’s lawyers were in court this morning to talk about Nahla’s hair. I wish cameras were allowed in the court room, because I need to see the judge make a “So this is what it’s come to” face. Halle’s lawyers took Gabriel to court, because she thinks that he got their 6-year-old daughter’s hair straightened and lightened with highlights. The Daily Mail says that Halle’s lawyers argued that lightening and straightening Nahla’s hair could cause her physical and psychological damage.

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Open Post: Hosted By An Eating Contest Between A Golden Retriever And A German Shepard

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Someone decided to do a little experiment and stage a spaghetti eating contest between their Golden Retriever and their German Shepard to see who truly is the Mama June (sans that whole dating pedos shit) of the dog world. About 1 millisecond into it, it becomes one hundred percent clear that the German Shepard likes to savor his food and the Golden Retriever is happy to live up to his reputation by making that food disappear in the blink of an eye. That’s some abracadabra eating. If the Tramp from Lady and the Tramp was a Golden Retriever, that spaghetti scene would’ve been totally different.

Maybe that Golden Retriever vacuumed up that sketti, because he didn’t want the German Shepard to get to it first. Maybe that German Shepard took his sweet time, because he knew that if the Golden Retriever tried to steal his sketti, he could take that thieving ho in a fight. The Golden Retriever thought about stealing for a second before he decided that it’d be kind of hard to eat anything if the German Shepard bit his mouth off.

This isn’t surprising, because if the dog hero of the obedience course taught us anything it’s that Golden Retrievers do not fuck around when it comes to food.

via Buzzfeed

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Amber Heard Isn’t Happy About That Time Johnny Depp Got Wasted At The Hollywood Film Awards

November 24, 2014 / Posted by:

A little over a week ago, Johnny Depp became the newest inductee into the Messy Old Man Club when he slithered up on stage at the Hollywood Film Awards drunk off his busted pirate face. Most of us (read: everyone besides Drunk Uncle) were pretty embarrassed for Johnny, including Johnny’s fiance Amber Heard too. According to The Star (via NY Daily News), a source claims that Amber got super pissed when she saw a next-level hammered Gilbert Grape slurring his way through the presentation of the Hollywood Documentary Award:

“Amber couldn’t believe he had made such a fool out of himself. This reflects really badly on her, and she’s not happy about it. At this point he is driving everyone away — including Amber.”

The source also goes on to say that there’s “chatter” about Johnny going to rehab.

I hope this all gets sorted out, because being a sloppy waste case is no bueno. But truthfully, if Amber wants Johnny to fix himself, she also needs to address the other elephant in the room: THOSE UGLY HATS. That would be the first thing I’d bring up in an intervention! “Johnny, your drinking is out of control, but we’ll get to that in a second. We need to talk about your collection of moth-eaten dumpster fedoras.” Those hats are no good, and I fully believe they’re the source of Johnny’s downfall. Take a look at mid-90s Johnny Depp: career was good, super hot, Winona Forever, and no stupid hats. Then look at mid-00s Johnny Depp: wears hats he dug out of the trash, makes shitty movies, left his wife for his 28-year-old co-star, gets drunk at awards shows. It’s the hats, I tells ya! The hats!

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