The Kanye West Deposition Konfessions, Take 2: Kanye Says The Paparazzi Are Worse Than The Nazis

/ August 7, 2014

And now for the kontinuing saga of Kanye West vs. The Paparazzi. Yesterday, TMZ began releasing the details of Kanye West’s messy deposition in the case of him smacking the shit out of a pap, starting with an embarrassingly ignorant quote from Kanye comparing his actions against the paparazzi to the black civil rights movement of the 60s (Dr. Donda West, stop whatever fun angel shit you’re doing in heaven and come get your son). Today, TMZ has released more from Kanye’s deposition, and – surprise surprise – it’s the same stinky shit, different delusional pile. Color me a Kim Kardashian shade of shocked (PANTONE 138C – Dirty Sunset).

Nate Goldberg, the pap’s lawyer and Kanye’s current object of cunty affection, asks him once again to explain the lyrics from his pap-hating ballad “Flashing Lights”, this time the line: “I hate these niggas more than a Nazi.” Goldberg asks Kanye: “So why did you say that you hate the paparazzi more than the Nazis?” and Kanye, who might actually be Justin Bieber in adult asshole disguise, smugly responds:

“Cause that’s what I wanted to say in that song.”

Goldberg then tries to explain that the Nazis were responsible for the murder of six million Jews, at which point Kanye’s lawyer Shawn Holley (aka LiLo’s old lawyer, which pretty much says EVERYTHING about Kanye’s level of intelligence) nervously interrupts Goldberg and tries to suggest they take a recess. Goldberg tells her to STFU and says he’s asking legitimate questions, but Kanye refuses to answer because Goldberg said the n-word again, even though he was directly quoting Kanye:

“But not legitimate to say nigga … ever … ever.”

I guess Kanye wasn’t yet tired of sounding like an obnoxious stupid spoiled teenager, because according to TMZ, he started drilling Nate Goldberg about the use of drones to get exclusive pics of some baby he sort-of knows named North West hanging out with her nannies:

“Is your daughter stalked by like drones? Are there drones flying where she’s trying to learn how to swim at age 1? Wouldn’t you like to just teach your daughter how to swim without a drone flying? What happens if a drone falls right next to her?  Would it electrocute her? Could it fall and hit her if that paparazzi doesn’t understand how to remote control the drone over their house?”

Meanwhile, cut to his dumb hooker wife in the backyard of the Kardashian Kumpound with a giant sign painted on her lumpy billboard of an ass that reads “HEY DRONES, OVER HERE!” and texting one of the nannies to bring her “the kid”, while Pimp Mama Kris waves a set of LED airport traffic batons directing them to the area with the most overhead visibility.

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Night Crumbs

/ August 5, 2014

Lindsay Lohan wants JK Rowling to ghost write her memoirs and I hope this happens, because I really want to read Crackie Firecrotch and The Crack House of Delusions, Crackie Firecrotch and the Drug Dealer’s Bone and Crackie Firecrotch and the Crotch of FireCelebitchy

Add Elisabeth Moss’ name to the long-list of actors who might be in True Detective 2 and they can all try, but we all know that those roles are going to Angela Lansbury, Tyne Daly and Sharon Gless (I can always wish) – Lainey Gossip

Aviva Drescher’s 230-year-old horny turtle of a father married his 25-year-old girlfriend in Malibu and I give it 6 months or until their inevitable Bravo spin-off show gets canceled – Reality Tea

The dude version of Jennifer Lawrence does EminemThe Superficial

Lucy Hale’s on the cover of Cosmo looking like one of Taylor Dane’s back-up singers circa 1987 – Drunken Stepfather

Ariana Grande Latte’s Poochie-looking ass brother gets himself another serving of straight man meat in the Big Brother house – Towleroad

This might be the most riveting conversation in the history of The Bachelor universe – Jezebel

And here’s some Lindsay Lohan bikini pictures that might make you want to hum “Gollum’s Song” from Lord of the Rings Hollywood Tuna

BREAKING: Future DILF Ryan Gosling pumps ass (for real typo and it stays) – Popsugar

MiserAlba giving you prison resort wear – Popoholic

Dear all CNN journalists, clear out your offices, because the love child of Rojo Caliente and Dennis the Menace is coming for your job – The Berry

Harry Potter wants to be in SharknadoICYDK

CBS is replacing the white guy with an accent (Craig Ferguson) for a white guy with an accent (James Corden) – Pajiba

The drunk, messy CNN reporter who bit first responders was just hungry, that’s all – WWTDD

Reason #4,589,988 on why Japan is the best: One of the Shiba Inu 6 moved there to manage a bodega – OMG Blog

When Helen Mirrentwerks” she looks like she’s shooting out fart after fart, but she’s still better than MileySOW

Emma Roberts got a blonde weave installed into her head – HuffPo

Today in “You’re Old!,” a 17-year-old Lourdes Leon is smoking in the South of France – Moe Jackson

Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder adopted a horse together – Just Jared

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Night Crumbs

/ August 4, 2014

Just like her twin, Ashley Olsen is doing a 40-something dude full-time. 28-year-old Ashley is dating 47-year-old director Bennet Miller. Here I was thinking that the tears of a newborn child and the soul of a baby squirrel is what fed the dark troll orbs in the Olsens’ chests, but nope. It’s obvious that the sweat from a middle-aged man’s ballsack is what feeds their dark hearts- Lainey Gossip 

NeNe Leakes is going back to The Real Housewives of Atlanta and that’s wonderful and everything, but when is Bravo going to bring back the true star of the show DeShawn “Lock Jaw” Snow? – Reality Tea

But why is Duchess Kate wearing the jacked-up tissue paper flower I made for my mom on Valentine’s Day in the first grade? – Celebitchy

The teaser for Nicki Minaj’s video for “Anaconda” needs more Sir Mix-A-Lot and less of her jiggling Fix-A-Flat ass – Drunken Stepfather

Oh, it’s just a construction worker giving a fawn a belly rub – Towleroad

Lindsay Lohan looks good….when her face is covered, there’s barely any light in the room and she’s wearing a neon bikini that distracts your eyes – The Superficial

Please don’t poot out a Vegemite fart, please don’t poot out a Vegemite fart” – the poodle posing on the cover of GQ Italia with Kylie MinogueHollywood Tuna

If you hate Taylor Swift and aren’t looking to change that, don’t watch this video of her singing to a young cancer patient, because it might make you hate her a little less – Popsugar

No, it’s not windy in London. That’s just the angels playing with Christina Hendricks’ ginger hair – Popoholic

Brittny Gastineau giving you “dead Tampa, FL hooker whose body washed up on the shores of a swamp” chic – WWTDD

Idiocracy is becoming more and more real. Case in point – Jezebel

Does this mean that in a few months, Orlando Bloom and Ian Somerhalder will scrap at a party in Ibiza? – ICYDK

Man nipples for your Monday – The Berry

In “Big Mistake, HUGE!” news, Christina Hendricks’ agents dropped her for signing on to Mad MenOMG Blog

Today, the word “NOOOOOOOOO” is brought to you by Vince Vaughn being considered for True Detective 2 – Pajiba

Sony is going to do a movie starring a female superhero from the Spider-Man world – HuffPo

Liam Payne slaps at the bitches who are calling him fat – Boy Culture

And here’s North West making a “Harpo, who dis gay fish?” face – Just Jared

Pic: FameFlynet

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Night Crumbs

/ August 1, 2014

Every single famous bitch alive is in Ibiza right now and you can add Michelle Rodriguez and her scissor sister Zac Efron to that never-ending list. Yes, MRod, Zac Efron, Lindsay Lohan and Justin Bieber are/were in the same place together. How long before Ibiza begs the United Nations to ask all countries to drop an emergency package of coke on their shores before they completely run out and the cokeheads go crazy and burn the island down? – Lainey Gossip 

Kim Kuntrashian uses Kanye’s boo’s birthday to tweet a topless picture of herself. The hole in her pantyhose that was made when she farted is a nice touch – Reality Tea

Oh, don’t mind Falkor Rimes, she’s just in her stable and is still blabbering about being a home wrecker and snatching kids up out their homes – Celebitchy

The dude who cross-dresses as celebrities almost nailed his impersonation of Miley Cyrus. That Top Ramen hair needs to be greasier and skankier – Towleroad

Jena Malone sang in her panties at a party, because that’s something to do – WWTDD

Heidi Klum models the new Zac Posen hand pasty – Drunken Stepfather

Chris Pratt flashed Amy Poehler on the set of Parks & Rec and can eyeball language experts tell me if she’s opening her eyes wide because it’s so big, or is she opening her eyes wide because she can’t believe how small it is? This is something I need to know – The Superficial

Something called a Pixie Lott is dressed like a sixth rate Eastern European figure skater from 1987 – Hollywood Tuna

Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson look like an Urban Outfitters exploded near them and all the debris landed on their bodies – Popoholic

But is the Jesus Juice fountain included? – Jezebel

Words of wisdom from life’s greatest philosopher Samantha JonesThe Berry

The new Justin Bieber dolly looks pretty life-like – SOW

Hayden Panettiere looks so calm for a gnome whose body is full of a half-giant baby that’s probably eating her internal organs right now – Popsugar

Jada Pinkett-Smith talks about that Willow Smith picture again – ICYDK

Reason #5,567,894,578,999 on why Disney is the devil incarnate – OMG Blog

Noted bra hater Lindsay Lohan looks so fresh, clean and healthy…and I mean the opposite of that – Just Jared

Pic: FameFlynet

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Adrienne Bailon Defends Talking Shit About Rob Kardashian And Takes A Nasty Swipe At Kim Kardashian While Doing So

/ August 1, 2014

Earlier this week, Latina magazine released an interview they did with Rob Kardashian’s ex-girlfriend Adrienne Bailon (seen here looking like a factory second from Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Kim Warehouse) in which she referred to being associated with the Kardashians as “hurtful” to her career. Because she has nothing better to do, Kim Kardashian responded to Adrienne’s remarks by coming for her on Twitter. Instead of tweeting back “Calm down hooker, go take care of your kid” and calling it a day, Adrienne wrote a long-ass message and posted it to Instagram in an attempt to clarify her comments about Rob, but also to hiss hot fire back in Kim’s flammable face:

“Fame and a Career are two different things. I’ve always had a career. I have been working hard since I was 15 years old. Being someone’s “girlfriend” was never what I wanted to be famous for.

What makes you “famous” isn’t always what you want to be “labeled” as, or known for. If anyone should understand that…It should be you.

I also stated in the article that none of this would have stopped me from being in love and being in that relationship. I just would have gone about it differently. You can love someone just as much in private. We all learn from our first loves.”

Ooooh, that second line! Insert latriceroyaleshade.gif here. At first I didn’t think much of Adrienne, having fucked The Sock One and all, but now I want to send her a muffin basket filled with all blueberry crumbles (no raisin brans for that subtle shade-throwing bitch!). The library is open Kim, and your narcoleptic porn star ass just got READ. Ironically, that’s probably the first time Kim has ever been in a library.

And as much as I love Adrienne, and I really do, bitch has GOT TO STOP talking about the Kardashians! If I were in her position, I would go to my grave denying that I ever dated one of Kris Jenner’s krotch goblins.

Speaking of, here’s the Silly Putty-faced pimp herself along with her two best hookers leaving for Ibiza yesterday. Kris must have figured that if LiLo was there, it must be crawling with wealthy johns, so she packed up her highest-earning bitches. Click clack!

Pics: InstagramSplash

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Leonardo DiCaprio Clapped For Legolas During The Orlando Bloom Vs. Justin Bieber Douche Fight

/ July 31, 2014

The story of the beautiful-faced delicate porcelain elf figurine Orlando Bloom scrappin’ with ass tampon Justin Bieber is already a pile of ridiculousness, but more layers of weird keep being added to it. When TMZ first reported this mess, they said that Orlando was the one who started it by throwing a failed punch at the Biebs’. A second later, it was reported that the less butch Anybodys from West Side Story started it by spitting out the line, “She (Miranda Kerr) was good,” when Orlando Bloom walked by his table. Now, former Spanish journalist (aren’t we all former Spanish journalists?) Anastasia Skolkova tells The Mirror (via The Daily Mail) that Orlando and the Biebs fought twice and practically everyone was on Team Legolas except for the Biebs’ bodyguards who are paid to pretend they are on his team even though they were probably clapping for Orlando on the inside.

A bunch of famous whores, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Lindsay Lohan and Diddy, were at Cipriani’s in Ibiza that morning and when the junior high school cafeteria fight broke out, they all took their places on Orlando’s side. Anastasia claims that Leonardo clapped for Orlando and Lindsay Lohan laughed at the Biebs. Even though Leo has probably been on Miranda Kerr’s Kewpie doll poon, it makes sense for him to clap for Orlando, because he hates the Biebs more than pizza. Anastasia put it like this:

“Justin said something when he came in which was aimed at Orlando, who then jumped onto a sofa to try and get at Justin. When Orlando punched Bieber, everyone started clapping. Lindsay was laughing. It was amazing. The whole table he and DiCaprio were on were clapping. Afterwards, I don’t know if people were congratulating Orlando or trying to calm him down. When security saw that when they got separated, Bieber and Orlando tried to punch each other again, security were like, ‘Bieber came, Bieber provoked this fight’, so they took his hands behind his back and took him away from the restaurant.”

I’m a little disappointed that Leonardo didn’t finish the Biebs off by knocking that trick down with one of his hot Kung-Fu kicks. Leo probably figured it was wrong for him to get involved in a fight between two delicate and fragile woodland nymphs.

This story just keeps getting more bizarre. I’m sure that by Monday someone will report that Orlando shot Justin Bieber in the face with an arrow and afterward, Tupac gave him a victory fist bump and as he was walking out, Elvis pat him on the back while sitting on a unicorn that whistled out the Rocky theme song.

And when Lindsay Lohan laughs at you, you have officially found the crawlspace under Hell’s basement. You’ve fallen so low and so hard that not even Life Alert can save you.

Here’s Orlando dealing with the humiliation of punching at the Biebs and missing by hugging on Erica Packer on a yacht in Formentera, Spain. Erica is the ex-wife of Australian billionaire James Packer who Miranda Kerr has been doing for a while, but who isn’t Miranda Kerr doing?

Pics: FameFlynet

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