Open Post: Hosted By A Canadian Dreamboat Meeting An English Dreamboat

April 11, 2017 / Posted by:

I should be mad at Justin Trudeau’s son Xavier Trudeau for messing up this picture by getting in the middle, but I’m not and I can’t be, because it looks like he too is mesmerized by the majestic flaming torch that is Prince Hot Ginge’s luscious…ly thinning hair of sparkling ginger perfection.

On Sunday, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was in the town of Vimy in France with his son and his wife Sophie Gregoire for the 100th anniversary of the Battle of Vimy Ridge. Prince Hot Ginge, Prince William and Prince Charles were there too. It was a serious event about a serious moment in history, and since I always act with the utmost decorum, I will keep my fanfic piece about JT and PHG (yes, it involves maple-flavored lube) for another post.

For now, I leave you with these pictures from Sunday, including pictures of Prince William internally weeping with jealousy while staring at the enchanted and lush moose forest on top of JT’s head. And I’ve decided that I like Xavier Trudeau and what convinced me is the picture of him lighting up as his mom gets close to PHG. It’s as if he’s thinking, “Can he be my new dad?!

Pics: Wenn.com

Drake And Rihanna Awkwardly Reunited At A Child’s Birthday Party

April 11, 2017 / Posted by:

Even though that picture is beyond blurry, I can fully recognize the emotion Rihanna is feeling on the side of that ball pit. I know, RiRi, it’s just not fair that they’re never big enough for adults.

Drake and Rihanna haven’t been a thing since they broke up for the 1,385th time back in October. Only Drake’s diary knows how many times they’ve seen each other since then. But over the weekend, they attended the same child’s birthday party. Billboard says the moment was captured by a mutual friend’s Snapchat. That friend figured if Drake and Rihanna had to endure an afternoon of awkward tight smiles, the rest of us should have to suffer with them for at least 50 seconds.

I don’t know what’s more awkward for Rihanna: running into her ex, or seeing him crouched in a corner by himself at a kiddie party like a weirdo.

Those Snapchats never show us if Rihanna and Drake ended up talking to each other. I want to believe they didn’t, and that it was Rihanna’s choice to avoid his ass. Drake lives his life like it’s a goddamn romance novel, so you know it would have been only be a matter of time before he approached Rihanna with a piece of birthday cake and whispered something about how it’s not the sweetest thing at the party.

Pic: Twitter

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Note To Women From Tyrese: God Will Send You A Good Man If You’re Not A Slut, Skeezer, Hoe Or Tramp

April 11, 2017 / Posted by:

It’s a damn good thing I’m not a woman looking for a good man, because my business card proudly states I’m a “Slut, Skeezer, Ho And Tramp-At-Large.

Tyrese’s bald head has been firmly stuck up his ass for a while now. Tyrese thinks that the pile of mashed dumb in his head is a fountain of endless wisdom and enlightenment for women. Tyrese even wrote a relationship advice book with Rev Run and they hosted a talk show based on their book (the show got canceled). Some of Tyrese’s “greatest hits” include the time he said that Amber Rose dresses in a way that invites groping and that real men don’t take women with fake hair and silicone chichis seriously. Tyrese is back, and this time he’s telling women that God will send you what’s yours if you know your value (read: don’t pass that snatch around). Tyrese also thinks that sluts, skeezers, hoes and tramps (read: Dlisted’s main demographic, I love you) are lowering their value and partly because their coochies have a lot of miles. Don’t believe Tyrese about the coochie mileage thing? Check your coochie’s Kelley Blue Book price!

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Some Of The Kardashians Are Jealous That Kylie Jenner Got Her Own Show

April 11, 2017 / Posted by:

E! announced yesterday that Kylie Jenner will star in an upcoming 8-episode commercial for Kylie Cosmetics docu-series called Life of Kylie. A source tells People that the Kardashian-Jenners are mostly supportive of Kylie’s new show. Mostly. That source goes on to claim that some of Kylie’s sisters are also seething with jealousy. Pray that Health Nut never goes out of business; those salads they’re always eating could be only thing keeping Khloe and Kourtney from grinding their teeth down to veneer nubbins.

“Kylie and Kendall [Jenner] really are the next generation. [They keep] the entire family relevant.

Overall, everyone is really happy about it. But of course, there’s some jealousy that comes along with all the attention that Kylie is getting.”

I wish that source would have leaked some useful information, like why in the hell is her show named Life of Kylie. The strongest theory I’ve got is that it’s a play on Life of Pi, because sometimes they call her Ky. That, and she’s trapped with a Tyga who is just using her until it can move on to something better.

Of course some of the Kardashians would be jealous, but it’s silly to feel that way. They need to remember that when one demon snake head gets more famous, the whole hydra beast benefits. Not to mention that Kylie’s reign won’t last forever. Eventually Kris Jenner will start grooming North West, Penelope Disick, and Dream Kardashian for a show called Try To Kare About the Kousins. Enjoy it while it lasts, Kylie!

Pic: Wenn.com/FayesVision

Today’s Lesson Is: Marry A Qatari Billionaire And Get Knocked Up With His Baby

April 11, 2017 / Posted by:

The news that Janet Jackson broke up with her billionaire businessman husband, Wissam Al Mana, came out of nowhere to me, but some think that she may have timed things so that she gets as much cash in her divorce settlement as possible. I always knew that Joanne the Scammer is pretty much everyone’s life coach, but I didn’t know that she was personally advising Miss Janet.

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Katy Perry And Ryan Phillippe Joked About The Rumor That They’re Dating

April 11, 2017 / Posted by:

Katy Perry and Ryan Phillippe are two famous people who didn’t really know each other, but they recently became very familiar after they started chatting on Twitter. How very high school of them, but it makes sense. Katy is a woman with the soul of an edgy teen who only looks up from her phone to roll her eyes at adults (see: her new edgy teen buzz cut), and Ryan is always getting carded.

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