The most exciting moment of last night’s Academy Awards happened inside Jennifer Garner’s head. During a cut to the audience, Jennifer’s face was seen going from placid to flacid in an instant. Girlfriend looked shookus’d! And because last night’s ceremony was a parade of predictability, the moment quickly became this year’s go-to Oscar meme.
Last night, the Academy did what everyone knew they were going to do and gave Frances McDormand the award for Best Actress for her performance in Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri. And Frances McDormand delivered what we all expected of her: the outfit equivalent of cranking back a La-Z-Boy in the den, and a frantic acceptance speech free of fucks.
Adam Rippon’s Oscar harness!
If you’ve ever had to go to a black tie event and a leather sex party in one night and had no idea what to wear, Adam Rippon solved your problem by showing up to the Oscars last night in some high fashion ho shit designed by Jeremy Scott for Moschino. Why do I have a feeling that Moschino is going to get calls today from dozens of Scientologists? I mean, that tux is perfect for the Celebrity Centre bathhouse spring formal.
Elaine Paige (70)
Madison Beer (19)
Jake Lloyd (29)
Kimberly McCullough (40)
Niki Taylor (43)
Jolene Blalock (43)
Kevin Connolly (44)
Matt Lucas (44)
Eva Mendes (44)
John Frusciante (48)
Paul Blackthorne (49)
Rena Riffel (49)
Joel Osteen (55)
Charlie and Craig Reid aka The Proclaimers (56)
Adriana Barraza (62)
Penn Jillette (63)
Marsha Warfield (64)
Eddy Grant (70)
Murray Head (72)
Dean Stockwell (82)
Lisa Robin Kelly (1970-2013)
Andy Gibb (1958-1988)
Teena Marie (1956-2010)
Or did they….?
I wouldn’t be surprised if the new PricewaterhouseCoopers accountants were too busy doing tequila shots out of Helen Mirren’s belly button backstage that they accidentally put the wrong card in the wrong envelope and Get Out was the true winner!
Let’s Just Go With “Yes, Cookie Lyon Totally Took A Subtle Shit On Ryan Seacrest On The Oscars Red Carpet” (UPDATE)
There were only 3 reasons to watch the E! Oscars red carpet tonight:
- To work out your cringing muscles from watching and listening to Giuliana Rancic, who looked like Zombie Elsa from Frozen, and Ryan Seacrest blabber out manufactured bullshit as though they care.
- You have a serious kind of insomnia and needed something to bore you into mimi times.
- To get high from the smoke blowing out of alleged sexual harassing animatronic troll Ryan Seacrest as he gets read by someone for being an alleged sexual harassing animatronic troll.
I watched for the third reason, and Taraji P. Henson may have given it to us in a subtle way.
It seems like the rumor about publicists keeping their clients away from Ryan like he was carbs was true. Many of the nominees didn’t stop for him, and I kept waiting for the producers to put Giuliana in a Margot Robbie wig and force her to do an Australian accent so they’d have something. But then along came Taraji P. Henson who delivered a line to Ryan that has made some people ask, “Did Cookie Lyon just shade Ryan Seacrest so hard that his bronzer melted off his face?” Even if she didn’t mean to, I’m going with: FUCK YES. Cookie Lyon always knows what she’s saying.
Ryan asked Taraji about Mary J. Blige, whose performance she introduced at the Oscars tonight. While staring right at him with a “Bitch, you gonna get it one of these days” smile on her face, she said:
“You know, the universe has a way of taking care of the good people. You know what I mean?”
Now that is shade. So subtle and smooth that the trick in charge of E!’s alleged 30-second delay didn’t know what hit them.
And a millisecond later, Ryan’s dermatologist scheduled him in for an emergency Botox appointment later tonight because they knew he’d need once since Cookie just gave him some new wrinkles.
UPDATE: Taraji tells People that her comments were twisted, and she supports him:
“I did it to keep his chin up. It’s an awkward position to be in. He’s been cleared but anyone can say anything.”
DAMN YOU, COOKIE! Couldn’t you have just let us believe you were putting a curse on that diabolical gnome?!
Holy shit Taraji just put a curse on Ryan Seacrest 😂 pic.twitter.com/GSknn3NozF
— Sara Jean Hughes (@sarajeanhughes) March 5, 2018