Open Post: Hosted By Canadian Douche Jesus 

March 9, 2018 / Posted by:

The best response for that picture is Justin Bieber’s leg tattoo of Jesus rolling his eyes like, “Bitch, have a seat.

A quick second after E! News said that he and his on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on again piece, Selena Gomez, are on a break, the Biebs posted two pictures on Instagram of him airing out his furry pits on a beach. (There’s no way that Justin Bieber can grown hair there yet, so I’m guessing he’s wearing two pit merkins.) Some may think that this is the Biebs’ way of letting us all know that he’s celebrating his freedom from Selena and her swaggy-hating mom, but although he thinks he’s that deep, he’s not that deep.

My guess is that the Biebs’ cult leader daddy, Pastor Muscles McUncleTerryGlasses, has slurped on his ass so much that he really believes he’s the second coming of Jesus. Or maybe there’s a good reason for why the Biebs’ looks like a low-tide hobo who sleeps on a bed of seaweed under a pier at the beach. Maybe he is a low-tide hobo who sleeps on a bed of seaweed under a pier at the beach, because Pastor Muscles McUncleTerryGlasses finally milked his last cent out of him.

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on

If the Biebs is homeless and broke, he shouldn’t worry about it for too long. Many people will give him money and mostly because they’ll want him to buy some Baby Wipes so he can wipe what looks like shit stains off of his body. And I say that as someone who regularly types, “Tattooed muscle stud fucking a stud while eating a banana,” into the PornHub search bar.

Pic: Instagram


Jessica Chastain Is Killing Her Haters With Kindness (And Cash)

March 9, 2018 / Posted by:

Most of the time when someone comments with a wise-ass remark to a story on the Internet, I handle it with grace and elegance like I imagine Duchess Kate would. Nah, I definitely stalk their ass on social media while I burp up the two pints of Halo Top I just ate and try and find flaws before making equally as petty retorts. Jessica Chastain, however, did not attend the same skewl of hate (and screaming desperation) that I did and apparently handles her trolls with politeness and a donation to their GoFundMe. Continue reading


Elizabeth Hurley Announced The Birth Of Hugh Grant’s Fifth Child

March 9, 2018 / Posted by:

Sad news for Colin Firth. His Bridget Jones co-star Hugh Grant might be too busy to be an effective scandal coach because he’s probably elbow deep in infant poop right about now. Wait, who are we kidding? Hugh’s probably never changed an infant’s diaper in his life (though I wouldn’t put a little adult diaper play past him). Whatever his job at the baby factory is (he might have a “batter chef” only clause, who knows), Hugh’s fifth child has been born and we have Elizabeth Hurley’s big mouth to thank for breaking the news, according to UsWeekly.

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Emma Watson Is Secretly Dating Chord Overstreet

March 9, 2018 / Posted by:

On Oscar night, Emma Watson had everyone confused in two ways. First, with the spelling of her temporary Time’s Up tattoo. Second with her alleged date, Chord Overstreet. Emma was seen leaving the Vanity Fair after-party. Sources tell Page Six that 27-year-old Emma and 29-year-old Chord are dating, but they’re keeping it on the down low for the time being. Know what I’m not keeping secret? The shock I feel every time I realize one of the teenagers from Glee is almost 30.

“It’s crazy but, yes, they are seeing each other, although Emma wants to keep things quiet and private.” Another source insisted of Watson and Overstreet, “They are friendly, but are not in a relationship.”

Emma and Chord were also seen at a show in L.A. together last month.

Emma has said before that she likes to keep her private life private, and part of that includes staying quiet when it comes to talking about who she may or may not be dating. So don’t expect to see a hazy picture of Chord with the caption “My King” followed by a million heart emojis on Emma’s Instagram. When asked for comment, reps for both Emma and Chord declined. But privacy or not, I can see why Emma might want to keep this one quiet for a while. Glee hasn’t had such a great time in the press recently. Waiting a little means there’s a better chance he might get famous for something else, and she can introduce him as something: “Chord Overstreet from some Marvel movie, and oh yeah, I guess he was also on Glee? I totally forgot.


The Tutu-Wearing Ice Crasher From The Winter Olympics Is February’s Hot Slut Of The Month!

March 9, 2018 / Posted by:

It’s still early, but the Hot Slut of 2018 battle is turning out to be the most glamorous once since Spaghetti Cat, Rojo Caliente and La Pequeña’ battled it out in 2009. The redefined definition of judicial glamour Judge Rosemarie Aquilina easily snatched up January’s Hot Slut of the Crown, and joining her in the HSOTM royal court is the princess cut pink tutu-wearing diamond who twirled into our hearts when he crashed the ice during a men’s speed skating event at the Winter Olympics in PyeongChang.

Mark Roberts, the prolific event crasher who caused clits to do a triple axle with glee over his monkey face dick pouch, won 50% of your votes. He beat Prince’s 2007 Super Bowl Halftime Show (29%), The Pizza Vibrator (13%) and Olive Garden’s Meatball Pizza Bowl (8%).

That delicate pink rose and his freshly-bloomed pedals have now twirled on into the Hot Slut of 2018 semi-finals next year. And I end this post with a clip from the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin, Italy of our current reigning HSOTM bringing non-FDA approved raw sex to a curling event by crashing that bitch and choking his chicken.

Thanks to all who voted!

Pic: AP


Teri Hatcher Isn’t Broke, Homeless, And Living In A Van

March 9, 2018 / Posted by:

Star reported this week that Teri Hatcher was living that Matt Foley life in a van because she’s homeless and broke (the van’s distance to the nearest river is not known). Last month Teri put her Studio City, CA mansion up for rent, and she has been filming videos in a van. Star claimed she’s been sleeping in that van. Teri spoke to KTLA 5 and she’d like everyone to know that she’s not homeless, broke, or living in a van.

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