Charlie Hunnam has gotten his ass out many (many) times on Sons of Anarchy and pretended to have sex on Queer as Folk. If you Google “Charlie Hunnam sex scene“, plenty of stuff comes up. I know, I totally just walked into a boner joke there. Since Charlie has so many sex scenes on his resume, you’d think that was a sign that he really enjoys doing them. Nope.
Mischa Barton’s lawyer Lisa Bloom is the daughter of Gloria Allred, and as everybody knows by now, Gloria Allred is known for her legendary press conferences. Well, like mother, like daughter. Lisa too holds press conferences with her celebrity clients. And yesterday, she held one to talk about how she plans to track down the evil doers behind Mischa Barton’s sex tape. Lisa is going to bring them to their knees and make them scream for their mommy as they gouge their own eyes out because they can’t take her blazing glare of rage. Once again, Lisa Bloom is Liam Neeson in Taken and Liam Neeson in Taken is Lisa Bloom. Don’t fuck with her.
Matthew Perry, who is a Canadian person, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night, and he told what might be the most 80s Canadian schoolyard fight story this side of that time in 3rd grade when two of my classmates threw down like hockey enforcers at recess over a stolen Corey Hart cassette.
Goopy Paltrow has been bumping her freshly steamed organiqué oystéré against Glee and American Horror Story co-creator, Brad Falchuk, since August 2014 and she’s apparently ready to make him her second husband. The inside of Brad’s body must look like a scene out of AHS right now. The thought of being legally tied to Goopy is probably making Brad’s bowels scream because they know she’ll make him do a raw goat milk cleanse every year. And Brad’s ass walls are probably shivering with fear over thinking about how Goopy is going to make him shoot mugwort steam up in there before getting an activated charcoal and cactus water enema.
Selena Gomez landed her very first American Vogue cover and she looks like a pin-up model trying to make the best out of a busted hair dryer situation. Anna Wintour might have looked at that cover and thought, “Eh, it’s fine. We’ll do something more glamorous next time” before stamping approved. But there might not be a next time. At least if Selena Gomez had her way.
E! has been showing a zillion previews and milking every last drop from future episodes of Keeping Up the Kartrashians where Kim Kartrashian tells the tale of getting robbed at gunpoint in Paris as The Slow One sits there blank-faced dreaming about salad and Khlozilla also sits there blank-faced dreaming about the wild boar she’s going to catch in the woods later that night. Well, it’s Kendall Jenner’s turn to sit in front of the cameras and tell the tale of getting robbed, because someone reportedly snatched $200,000 in jewels from her house last night. Only this is probably not a Bling Ring 2.0 type of thing and it doesn’t look like thieves broke into her house like they did to Alanis Morrissette. It looks like someone who was partying at Kendall’s house last night did it. DUN DUN DUN (not really).