The fuck noises of ecstasy that interrupted a tennis match in Florida!
I’ve never been to a tennis match before, but my guess is that the loudest human-made sound you’d hear (besides the sound of tennis grunts) is the sound of snoring, because that shit is boring. But at a match between Frances Tiafoe and Mitchell Krueger at the Sarasota Open yesterday, the sound that humped its way into the ears of everyone there was the sound of a couple trying to earn the Grand Slam in sex times. Deadspin says that Frances was about to serve in the second set when (at the 0:15 mark in the video after the cut) the players were upstaged by two luckies getting theirs. Frances perked up the same way many of us perk up when we hear our neighbors having more fun than us.
Luis Miguel (47)
Maria Sharapova (30)
Ali Wong (35)
Catalina Sandino Moreno (36)
Hayden Christensen (36)
Troy Polamalu (36)
Nick Groff (37)
Kate Hudson (38)
James Franco (39)
Jesse James (48)
Ashley Judd (49)
Suge Knight (52)
Ruby Wax (64)
Tony Plana (65)
Paloma Picasso (68)
Tim Curry (71)
Jayne Mansfield (1933-1967)
Pic: Warner Music
The Rock and Vin Diesel have really put an end to their fight of egos for once and for all and are ready to work together on the next Fast and Furious movie. The Fate of the Furious has made over half a billion dollars worldwide already. So, I’m sure that these two muscled-up peen heads agreed to do another movie together because they realized they were being dumb and not because they want even more MONAY! Not that I blame them or anything… – Lainey Gossip
Katy Perry, Kristen Stewart, Halsey and Justin Bieber need to start wearing “My Name Is [Insert Their Name Here]” tags on their forehead because I can’t tell them apart anymore – Celebitchy
Charlotte McKinney was either at Coachella or she just posed in front of a giant poster of a desert house – Drunken Stepfather
If I was high on some kind of hallucinogenic while watching Tove Lo at Coachella, I’d probably expect her nips to start singing into the mic – The Nip Slip
Former Countess LuAnn’s daughter got a DUI – Reality Tea
Nothing will give you the full-body tingles like picturing an oiled-up Ice-T fuck Coco while wearing figure skates – WWTDD
A tattoo of what’s supposed to be Aaron Rodgers working a jock strap and a crop top has the homophobes’ assholes in a twist – Towleroad
Jeans, no shirt and a leather cap? Candice Swanepoel stole the look of 75% of the dudes at a leather bar – Hollywood Tuna
This American Assassin movie starring Dylan O’Brien and Taylor Kitsch is a comedy, right? – Pajiba
I bet if a TSA agent opened up Olivia Munn’s carry-on, they’d only find dozens and dozens of Japanese potatoes – Popoholic
Bella Thorne wants Kristen Stewart to be the SamRo to her LiLo – IDLYITW
Luke Evans may be brushing his cheeks against Jon Kortajarena’s mink stole brows again – Just Jared
Oh, it’s just two homeless desert rats giving off zero amounts of heat while kissing at a gas station – Popsugar
When I read the e-mail subject “Richard Simmons Hospitalized” first thing this morning, I was half-asleep and one drop of caffeine hadn’t entered my body yet, but my eyes still made like that dog’s eyes. But the rainbow dusted dandelion is going to be okay. That’s what his rep, Michael Catalano, tells ABC News anyway.
Michael Catalano says that Richard’s stomach and caca-making parts were in such a bad way yesterday that he needed to get checked out at the hospital. TMZ says it wasn’t a “What’s the number to 911?” situation so an ambulance was not called. Richard was driven to the hospital by one of his people. Michael gave this statement:
“Richard Simmons was hospitalized on Monday at an undisclosed location in California. After a few days of battling severe indigestion and discomfort while eating, we agreed it was best for him to seek treatment. He’s already feeling better and is expected to make a full recovery.”
The human glitter stick also spent three days in Cedars-Sinai hospital last summer. Richard’s people blamed “dehydration” at the time.
Richard recently signed a deal with a company to handle merchandising, licensing and future endorsements. So based on that bit of news, I’m going to choose to believe that in the basement of Cedars-Sinai is a giant rehearsal studio. Richard hasn’t been going to the hospital to treat his ills. For the past year, Richard is preparing to make his much-awaited return to the spotlight and he’s been secretly rehearsing for a sequin-filled, pucker-inducing Las Vegas extravaganza!!! Look, 2016 was a flaming plastic bag of donkey diarrhea and 2017 isn’t turning out any better. So let’s just go with this. We need something to believe in!
Unicorn shit is so hot right now. When I say shit, I mean there is literally no end to the stuff you can buy that looks like someone let a unicorn drag its dirty butt across it first. Makeup. Toast. Dildos. Starbucks has recently decided to hop on the unicorn trend bandwagon with a pink and blue monstrosity called the Unicorn Frappuccino, available starting tomorrow.
Starbucks says that the Unicorn Frapp is a color-shifting drink that starts out purple, then turns to pink, then blue. Starbucks takes a crème base and blends it with mango syrup and a sour blue drizzle, then finishes it with whipped cream and pink and blue powder. Here’s what the Unicorn Frapp looks like in real life. It looks like an edible Shampoodle.
OMG STARBUCKS IS RELEASING A UNICORN INSPIRED FRAPPUCCINO 😍😭🦄💖 pic.twitter.com/QWyJmhJ1tQ
— life of a blonde (@lifeofablondee) April 16, 2017
The Unicorn Frappuccino will be available from April 19 until April 23 in participating Starbucks in the US, Canada, and Mexico.
I bet the second Britney Spears (Queen of Frapps) and Mariah Carey (Official Liason Between Humans and Unicorns) found out about this unholy union, they called each other up, screaming with excitement and made a date to be the first in line to buy one. Or maybe they’ve already tried it? I bet they were the masterminds behind this frapp. I know Starbucks wants to take credit for the Unicorn Frapp, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it came into existence after Britney Spears and Mariah Carey ambushed a Starbucks, Bonnie and Clyde-style, and demanded the baristas let them chug directly from all the syrup dispensers and snort the sugar powder.
I see you moving your mouse arrow to the X on your browser after reading that headline. Because you know it’s time to quit the internet after reading “Cumdog.” Take me with you.
Cumdog doesn’t only sound like the main character in an illegal, soul-burning porn parody of Slumdog Millionaire called Cumdog Millionaire, but it’s also the alter ego of some footballer in Scotland. ESPN FC says that Jason Cummings is a striker for Hibernian, a Scottish football club. I guess when Jason Cummings is bored, he wrestles his rivals in the break room of his team’s training center.
Before the wrestling match, Yersel Cumdog stuffed his secret weapon (a pair rolled-up socks) into his Spandex chonies and then he marched out into the stadium (the break room) to Madonna’s Like A Prayer. Cumdog’s rival, a wrestler named Grado, was eating soup when he got challenged. Grado got up and he and Cumdog went at it and busted out hot wrestling moves, including a dry 69 move.
This mess makes American wrestling look classy and elegant. This is also what it looks like when Tom Cruise gets mad at David Miscavige and confronts him in the Scientology Celebrity Centre dining room.
— Jason Cummings (@Jasoncummings35) April 18, 2017
I’m thankful to Cumdog for at least not wearing a Speedo with a red rocket on the crotch. So thank you for that, Cumdog. And now let’s never speak of Cumdog again (cut to the WWE signing Cumdog to a 10-year deal).