“As an artist who respects creative integrity and intellectual property, I am disgusted at how much you have copied my husband from the hair to the suit. Do you not have any value or respect for originality? You’re a laughing stock. It’s cheesy. It’s disgusting.” – Natalia Kills while looking at that picture of Matt Boner in a black suit
During the panel for American Horror Story: Freak Show at PaleyFest last night, Jessica Lange confirmed what everyone has pretty much known for months. Just like she did with Lea Whatever, she’s walking straight past AHS: Hotel and moving on to something else. She probably knows that if she signs up for AHS: Hotel, she’ll sprain her eye rolling muscle from constantly rolling her eyeballs at Lady CaCa chewing the scenery more than her.
“Yes, I’m done. We’ve had a great run here. I mean, I absolutely love doing these four characters, and in all the madness, I love the writers and Ryan (Murphy) and the insanity of shooting it.”
When someone in the audience asked Jessica Lange if Lady CaCa joining the cast makes her want to come back for another season, she responded with what I’m taking as beautiful, beautiful shade. She said, “What does that mean?”
AHS’ executive producer Tim Minear said that Matt Bomer, who played a hot gay hustler in AHS: Freak Show, is going to be the male lead in Hotel. Cheyenne Jackson has also signed on. Denis O’Hare and Kathy Bates may be back.
Finding out that Lady CaCa is pretty much replacing Jessica Lange in AHS made me scream in terror like I was trapped in a knotty pine cabin. But I will forgive Ryan Murphy for this is AHS: Hotel is about two gay nymphomaniacs (Boner and Cheyenne) who own a failing bed and breakfast that’s failing because they just fuck all day and never come downstairs to check in guests. The “horror” part comes in when they run out of lube. Lady CaCa can play a mute maid.
If you heard a high-pitched shrieking sound this weekend that sounded sort of like Regina George after she discovered that Cady had been sabotaging her with those Kalteen bars, this will explain why. On Saturday, Marcia Brady’s 21st century equivalent Taylor Swift Instagrammed a picture of her left leg with a huge-ass bloody scratch down the side of it. According to Tay Tay, it was the work of one of her prized pussies, Meredith Grey. Tay Tay didn’t elaborate on what caused Meredith to lose her shit, but did address the rumor that she recently insured her legs for $40 million by captioning the photo:
“GREAT WORK MEREDITH. I WAS JUST TRYING TO LOVE YOU AND NOW YOU OWE ME 40 MILLION DOLLARS”
If I was Meredith, now would be the time I’d start hitting up Grumpy Cat and Garfield and Heathcliff and all my other rich pussy friends for some cash, because we all know Tay Tay doesn’t play when it comes to money.
And for those of you wondering whether or not you should be organizing a prayer vigil for lil’ Butterscotch, don’t worry – Taylor posted a pun-filled follow-up picture yesterday and she appears to be fine:
Even feline pun enthusiasts are groaning over that one. Me-OW? I guess “What a CATastrophe!” was too long. Still, if I were Tay Tay, I’d want to get to the bottom of why one of my pussies turned on me. Maybe it was out for revenge after it read that she had insured her legs for $40 million. “Are you kidding meow? I’ve asked her six times for an upgrade to Fancy Feast and every time that bitch says it’s not in the budget!”
Oh boy, here we go – time to play another game of what famous basic blonde is Chris Martin sticking his dick in now. The last time we checked, Chris Martin was still bumping his mopey scarf parts against Jennifer Lawrence’s pizza pocket, but that was back in February, so who even knows that their deal is. Regardless, TMZ thinks something might be up because Chris Martin spent his Saturday at the beach with a 3-months-single Kate Hudson. The beach? In the words of The Ashleys: scandalous!
Obviously, going to the beach doesn’t necessarily mean that two horny tricks are passing fuck fluids, especially since they brought their kids with them (and by the looks of the pics on TMZ, a whole mess more. For real, who do all those random kids belong to?). But if Grease has taught me anything, it’s that nasty shit goes down at the beach. Also, UsWeekly threw up a picture of Kate Hudson on her beach date/not date and she wearing a body chain, aka The Slut’s Rosary. Then again, Chris Martin was wearing some kind of surfer Mormon wetsuit thing, so who knows what was going on.
All I really know is that I’m jealous as hell that those two spent Saturday on the beach. Know how I spent my Saturday? Trying to get the radiator in my cold-ass office to work while I search the internet for “When will sun come out to not make face look like Lydia from Beetlejuice no more“.
British pop thing Natalia Kills and her New Zealand-born musician husband Willy Moon (or as you know them as, “?????“) were both fired from the X-Factor New Zealand after they accused a contestant of stealing Willy’s look and slammed the dude with a strange, crazy, nonsensical, delusional rant. Meanwhile, an oozing asshole has just publicly accused Natalia and Willy of swagger jacking it.
After a contestant performed in a black suit and with side parted hair, Natalia flipped on the crazy switch and called him a “doppelganger” and said that as an “artist who respects creative integrity and intellectual property” she is “disgusted” at how much he copied her husband. Even the master defender of artistic integrity, Kanye West, went “huh?” Natalia called his look “cheesy” and said that she was “embarrassed to be sitting here in your presence having to even dignify you with an answer of my opinion.” Willy Moon, who is obviously the inventor of the black suit and side parted hair, also got into the asshole fuckery and told the poor contestant that “it’s like Norman Bates dressing up in his mother’s clothing. It’s just a little bit creepy and I feel like you’re going to stitch someone’s skin to your face and then kill everybody in the audience.”
All of that cuntery over a plain suit and normal ass hair:
During a recent interview with The Guardian, human incense stick Shailene Woodley confessed that there was a Sliding Doors-style moment in her life that almost kept the organic farmer’s market version of Jennifer Lawrence from being a thing that exists. According to Shailene, pre-Divergent Shailene thought she was too good for that big-budget studio shit, so she turned down the role of Tris in Divergent when it was offered to her. However, her mother clearly came from the Click Clack School of Making That Money, because she convinced her to take it:
“I had said, growing up as a child actor, that I’d never be a part of a big studio franchise, because I never wanted that sort of recognition around the globe. I liked doing smaller roles and I really just love acting because I like being on a movie set and that’s it…ultimately my mom said, ‘Well, Shai, you’re about to say no to this opportunity because of the budget on the film. If this was an independent film, would you say yes?’ And I thought I would say yes, because I love Tris and I do love the storyline and the themes involved within this particular book.”
Somewhere in the seventh circle of Hell (aka Calabasas), Kris Jenner just judged the shit out of Shailene’s mom for raising a child that would turn down an opportunity to be rich and famous. Speaking of Satan’s sluts, Cosmopolitan says that during the London premiere of Divergent: Insurgent, they asked Shailene to show her “best Kylie Jenner selfie face”, to which she replied:
“I have no idea who that is. I’m sorry.“
How perfectly Mimi of you, Shailene! My eyeballs are SO confused, because for the first time ever, Shailene Woodley has said something that didn’t immediately make them start violently rolling into the back of my head. Although they do appreciate how shady Shailene was; the only way her answer could have been any better would be if she had said “I’m sorry, but I believe that imitating a face trademarked by Abyss Creations would be a violation of some kind of copyright law.”
Here’s more of Shailene working some slutty Carol Brady couture at the German premiere of Divergent: Insurgent with Theo James:
Just hours after Robert Durst was arrested in New Orleans for the 15-year-old murder of his friend Susan Berman, the final episode of HBO’s The Jinx aired and in it, the Maenad shark showed criminals what not to do if they’ve already gotten away with a whole bunch of evil shit and want to continue to get away with it. Don’t be an attention whore and open your evil self up to a documentary.
In the finale, the documentary’s director and producer Andrew Jarecki interviewed Robert Durst and confronted him about a new piece of evidence against his ass in the case of Susan Berman’s murder. After Susan Berman was murdered in her home execution-style, someone anonymously sent the police a note with her address and the word “cadaver” on it. The fucker who sent the letter spelled “Beverly” as “Beverley.” While researching Robert Durst and Susan Berman’s murder, the filmmakers of The Jinx found a letter he mailed to her and on the envelope, “Beverly” was spelled “Beverley.” The filmmakers got a forensic document analyzer to look at both notes. The expert declared that yup, the handwriting came from the same trick. When Andrew showed the evidence to Robert Durst, he admitted that the handwriting looked the same and he couldn’t point out which was written by him. It’s impossible to know what Robert Durst is thinking since his demon shark eyes are emotionless and dead, but if you could, you’d clearly see him thinking to himself, “OH SHIT!”
Coincidentally, a whole bunch of STDs just said the same thing.
Today is the day that former mile-high cokehead Demi Lovato celebrates her third year of sobriety from the bad shit, and in honor of what is a legitimate milestone in Hollywood, she decided to make us all want to reach for the closest mind-numbing substance we can get our hands on by posting a picture of herself kissing noted man slut douchebag type Wilmer Valderrama to Instagram. According to Demi, Fez from That 70s Show is the reason she’s clean and sober and still with us:
“I wish I could put into words how grateful I am for this man right here. But my love has grown to a level that words could never possibly express how much this man completes me. He’s loved me the way I never thought I deserved to be loved and with this day marking my 3rd year sober… After sharing my ups, putting up with my downs and supporting my recovery… he still never takes credit and I want the world to know how incredible his soul is. I really wouldn’t be alive today without him. I love you Wilmer”
Mark this day in your calendar: for the first time in history, Wilmer Valderrama is actually responsible for something good. “Now if only he could pay it forward and get rid of this douchey-looking facial hair on me” thought his jawline.
I have a soft spot in my heart for Demi Lovato, because she’s kind of a NFGQiT (No Fucks Given Queen in Training), and normally I’d advise anyone with a snatch to stay as far away from Wilmer Valderrama as possible, but she’s doing really well, which means…he might not be totally the worst? I mean, he is keeping her away from booze and druggy dust. Let me tell you, this situation is a real Snatch-22.
Here’s a healthy and sober Demi Lovato at GMA last Thursday:
Of course he had to take a Breathalyzer, he’s half-tanked. – Unify Normal
Cracker Barrel. – FluffKitteh
Tommy Krångh, the Swedish sign language interpreter who stole all the spotlights and the entire show during Sweden’s Eurovision finals on Saturday night!
The annual display of rhinestone-covered foolery and WTFery known as the Eurovision grand finals is happening in Vienna in May and so European countries are currently deciding which one of their acts is going on to compete for the top prize. Sweden’s finals were on Saturday and the star of the night wasn’t any trick holding a microphone. The star was Tommy Krångh, the sign language interpreter who took the words that floated out of the singer’s mouth, dipped it in glitter glue, set them on fire and launched them into the eyes of viewers. Everyone who watched is now eyelash-less, because Tommy burned them off with his piping hot sign language performance. Bitch showed up and showed out.
Metro UK says that as singer Magnus Carlsson (who ended up winning and is going to the grand finals) belted out his entry, Tommy put on a real theatrical extravaganza while signing. I don’t know Swedish and I don’t know sign language, but I understood Tommy completely, because I am fluent in FAB. The videos of Tommy’s performances have hundreds of thousands of hits and he instantly became a viral star.
Tommy has the looks of a Rubenesque Buster Bluth, the dance skills of a drunk dad when his favorite song comes on and the showmanship of a million dancing poodles. Prepare to pucker!
If Sweden wants to easily win Eurovision, they’d send Tommy as their entry. If they did, every country would immediately drop out, because they know they cannot compete with all the fabulousness that he serves up. There are many things I want in life and at the top of that list is a duet of “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now“ between Tommy Krångh and Lydia Callas.
Victor Garber (66)
Chuck Woolery (74)
Tyrel Jackson Williams (18)
Brett Davern (23)
Wolfgang Van Halen (24)
Blake Griffin (26)
Nicole Trunfio (29)
Brian Wilson (33)
Brooke Burns (37)
Sophie Hunter (37)
Blu Cantrell (39)
Paul Schneider (39)
Sienna Guillory (40)
Alan Tudyk (44)
Judah Friedlander (46)
Tracy Bonham (48)
Lauren Graham (48)
Gore Verbinski (51)
Patty Griffin (51)
Flavor Flav (56)
Nancy Wilson (61)
Isabelle Huppert (62)
Kate Nelligan (65)
Erik Estrada (66)
Bernardo Bertolucci (74)
Jerry Lewis (89)