Ben Affleck Made His First Public Appearance Since His Marriage Ended

July 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Now we know what it looks like when Ben Affleck goes to donate a bunch of old DVDs to his local Savers and sees a sign that says “NO GIGLI.”

Ben Affleck has been laying pretty low since word got out that his marriage to Jennifer Garner had bitten the dust. But since he’s contractually obligated to pimp out that Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice movie, he showed up to San Diego Comic-Con. Yes, Ben Affleck looks like cold shit, but that might not be because he’s sad his marriage hit the skids. The Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice panel was held at 10:30am, and that’s pretty damn early for someone who was probably counting cards and chugging hooch till 4am the night before.

Sad Batman joined Henry Cavill, Amy Adams, the monotone boy robot from The Social Network, and Gal Godot on the BVS:DOJ panel, and their big thing was that they released a new nearly 4-minute long trailer featuring Wonder Woman.

The real star of that trailer is whatever the hell is living on Lex Luthor’s head. That wig is BUSTED and I love it. I kept hoping it was going to come alive with the magic of CGI and start cracking jokes. Is it too late to go back and re-write that into the movie? I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that Lex Luthor could really use a sassy lil’ talking polyester sidekick.

Here’s more of Ben Affleck at Comic-Con this morning with the rest of the BVS:DOJ cast.

Pics: Splash

Jaime King Isn’t Here For Random Strangers Saying She’s “Too Thin” For A Pregnant Woman

July 11, 2015 / Posted by:

During a recent interview with American Baby magazine (via People), Jaime King confessed that not everybody is pointing at her currently-pregnant stomach and smiling. Some people are pointing at her stomach, then pointing at the rest of her body, then wondering out loud if the baby living insider her is getting enough to eat in there. And Jaime King isn’t having any of it.

“People have made comments about how I’m too thin and need to eat a sandwich. I’ve seen it happen with other pregnant women in this business too — we’re either too thin or put on too much weight. All that matters is that you’re taking care of the nutrition for yourself and your child.”

Obviously nobody but Jaime’s baby knows if she’s eating right, so until the baby kicks a Morse code message that says “I’m hungry, send a turkey on rye“, those unsolicited sandwich hustlers might want to take a seat.

Jaime doesn’t name any of her sandwich pushers, but I bet one was Jaime’s baby’s Godmother, Taylor Swift. “Jaime, have you eaten a cucumber and cream cheese finger sandwich today? I want your baby to develop a taste for them in utero to prepare it for the millions of tea parties we’ll host together!” Speaking of both skinny types and Taylor Swift, Taylor performed a show in New Jersey last night and brought a bunch of her model friends on stage with her. And also Lena Dunham, who clearly didn’t get the memo about dressing like the member of a slutty superhero motorcycle gang.

A photo posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on

She also managed to add to her famous girlfriend crew by pulling the entire US Women’s Soccer Team on stage. Taylor Swift has now collected more famous friends than the population of a small country.

Here’s the oldest member of Taylor Swift’s famous girlfriends crew doing the pap stroll with the youngest member, 15-year-old Joey King, last month in Beverly Hills.

Pic: Instagram, Wenn.com

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As The Star Wars Super-Fans Lose Their Damn Minds…

July 11, 2015 / Posted by:

I feel like I’m watching a real-life Star Wars fanfic re-imagining of the “Now I want you two to kiss” scene from Wild Things. Oh, Mark Hamill, you dirty dog.

San Diego Comic-Con, the most wonderful time of the year for nerdy types, is here. And last night, J. J. Abrams played Santa and made millions of geek dreams come true by packing the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel full of Star Wars people. The cast of the new movie! The cast of the old movie! A post-hospital Harrison Ford (who was apparently a little wobbly)! Carrie Fisher! But obviously the best part was when Princess Leia and Han Solo’s lips reunited with each other on stage. Sure, it wasn’t nearly as nasty as I would have liked (don’t tell me Leia and Han weren’t into some truly kinky shit), but I’ll take what I can get. If the idea of watching two legends who can still get it gently mouth humping on each other is your idea of a good time, it happens around the 5:33 mark below.

Besides Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford kissing on each other, a bunch of other Star Wars shit happened too. J. J. Abrams confirmed that Star Wars 7 was done filming and that they’re just editing it together now. They also brought an alien puppet thing from the new movie on stage.

That’s almost exactly what I imagine Charlie Sheen’s blood looks like under a high-powered microscope. Then after all the talking, they hauled the 6,000-person audience outside for a Star Wars concert. Sadly, it wasn’t performed by that hot bitch Sy Snootles and the Max Rebo Band. I guess they had a more important gig, like playing for Naboo royalty or something.

Here’s more from the Star Wars: The Force Awakens panel last night, including Mark Hamill working the hell out of a sexy semi-sheer shirt.

Pics: Splash

Hot Sluts Of The Day!

July 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Everybody in this classic video from 1987 of an early morning at a 7-Eleven near Disney World!

Today is the international holiday when we all celebrate 7/11 by bathing, drinking and butt chugging free Slurpees (while supplies last and if you live near the same 7-Eleven that Brit Brit lives near, the supplies are probably gone). To honor this special day, I’m paying homage to this old ass video of a morning at 7-Eleven that went viral years ago. A college student with a new camcorder named Chris (Note to children: A camcorder is a really giant iPhone without the phone part) and his friends hit up a 7-Eleven in Orlando at 2:30am after partying all night and decided to record everything. The video is nearly 9 minutes long and uncut. (9 long and uncut is my kind of video.) Chris just wanted to document what strange things were afoot at a Central Florida 7-Eleven at 2:30 in the morning. (SPOILER ALERT: 80s glamour was afoot.)

Chris, now a full grown up, uploaded the video to YouTube years ago and it went viral, because it’s a look into a simpler time when employees smoked on the job, collars were popped, cell phone portrait mode didn’t exist and a Super Big Gulp was 59 cents. There’s Hot Sluts all over this video from the Shelley Duvall-haired cashier to the employee man smoking to his glamorous dancing lady friend in the neon yellow tank to the French girl using a rear-view mirror as a mic. What really makes this video full 80s is that Chris is pretty much Ferris Bueller.

Chris went back to that same 7-Eleven last year to film a long-awaited sequel. Nothing really happened and that probably had a lot to do with the fact that they went back at 11pm. Nothing’s going to happen at 11pm! If they went at 2:30 in the morning, they might have found a crackhead fucking a hot dog bun, two drunk pregnant moms knife fighting over the last six pack of Bud and a trick in the corner giving a dude a hand job for a few cigarettes. And that’s a slow morning for a 7-Eleven in Central Florida.

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Birthday Sluts

July 11, 2015 / Posted by:

Lil’ Kim (40 or 41)
Connor Paolo (25)
David Henrie (26)
Joanna Smalls (27)
Rachael Taylor (31)
Jax Taylor (36)
Octomom (40)
Andrew Bird (42)
Michael Rosenbaum (43)
Justin Chambers (45)
Jeff Corwin (48)
John Henson (48)
Greg Grunberg (49)
Dina Eastwood (50)
Lisa Rinna (52)
Shaun Robinson (53)
Richie Sambora (56)
Suzanne Vega (56)
Peter Murphy (58)
Sela Ward (59)
Mindy Sterling (62)
Stephen Lang (63)
Bonnie Pointer (65)
Giorgio Armani (81)
Tab Hunter (84)
7-Eleven (88)

Pic: @LilKim

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Night Crumbs

July 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Almost one month after getting busted for DUI, John Stamos has taken himself to rehab to dry out. If Uncle Jesse’s rehab place of choice ever gets named, they better brace themselves, because thousands of shameless horny Oikos devotees are going to try to check in – Just Jared

Jake Gyllenhaal and Rachel McAdams were at the Toronto premiere of Southpaw together last night. Jake is giving me Wall Street banker who likes to chop trees and Rachel is giving me weekday lounge singer – Lainey Gossip

Regis Philbin better say goodbye to his liver – Jezebel

I thought this was Fiona Apple and I was so confused – Drunken Stepfather

A woman has accused Subway Jared of saying creepy shit about middle school girls and no, the woman isn’t Ronald McDonald’s wife. I think. – The Superficial

Mick Jagger’s 28-year-old piece may be getting too old for him – Celebitchy

Now how are fake millionaire supposed to get dates with failed actresses? – Reality Tea

I guess the first rule of being kept by David Geffen is to never talk about being kept by David Geffen to authorities – Towleroad

Kendall Jenner is a topless deer caught in the headlights for Calvin Klein panties – IDLYITW

It feels like Megan Fox is permanently on the set of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie – Hollywood Tuna 

Harry Styles looks like he’s getting pulled by an invisible hook – Popsugar

I just “awwwed” out loud while looking at this post about a dog friend’s animal family. Yes, I’m grossed out with myself for doing that – The Berry 

Emma Stone’s dress looks like your auntie’s bathmat. The one with the flowers on it – Popoholic

The Mother of Dragons Lena Headey had another baby – HuffPo

Channing Tatum is all for feminism, but isn’t going to call himself a feminist until he takes a class on it or something – Pajiba

The new Ghostbusters promo pic could use a lot more shirtless Chris Hemsworth in it – SOW

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Roger The Buff Kangaroo Is June’s Hot Slut Of The Month!

July 10, 2015 / Posted by:

I thought June’s Hot Slut of the Month battle was going to be a close showdown between Roger the Buff Kangaroo and Courtney Barnes, the mash-up of a My Little Pony doll and an extra large piece of sequins who gave the witness performance of a lifetime on the local news, but it wasn’t even close. Just like he does with most things, Roger the Buff Kangaroo crushed his competition and got all (and by “all” I mean half) of the votes. I’m sure one of those votes came from my suspect friend who said to me, “Roger is freaking me out, because he’s got a body like my ex.” I guess his ex has no human nipples and is covered in ginger fur.

Roger got around 49% of the votes, Courtney Barnes came in second with around 26%, Charo’s son came in third with around 19% and Rachel Dolezal’s poet ex-piece came in dead last with 6%.

Thanks to all who voted and made Roger the Dude Bro Kangaroo the 6th Hot Slut of the Month of 2015. And to those of you who committed the ungodly act of voting against the son of glitter-embedded earth angel Charo: We’ll settle it in a shank fight in hell!

Pic: Facebook

 

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Open Post: Hosted By Prince Philip Cursing Out A Photographer

July 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Prince Philip is 94 years old and he’s married to THE QUEEN. When you put those things together, you get a man who doesn’t have time for your dilly-dallying bullshit and can let you know how he feels, because he’s a seasoned knight of the Don’t Give A Fuck Round Table.

Prince Philip would probably rather be in his castle watching Downton Abbey reruns with his Corgis while his servants hand feed him freshly made Werther’s Originals, but he came out today for an event commemorating the 75th anniversary of the Battle of Britain. Prince Philip sat for a photo with his grandkid Prince William and several veterans, and he was not here for the photographer’s slowness. Pepaw Prince Philip cursed a trick out by telling the photographer to “take the fucking picture”. PPP said it again just in case that photographer didn’t get the message the first time.

Seeing Prince William contort his face into a look of embarrassment over his pepaw dropping a fuck bomb on a photographer really touched the charred edges of my blackened soul. It made me want to have kids. Because if I had kids and my kids had kids, I’d get to embarrass them by cursing out a stranger. Being a crazy old pepaw, now that’s the dream!

(Thanks IM and Gabriel)

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I Am So Confused

July 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, there it is – the image that will replace Kris Jenner’s kamel toe in my nightmares.

Today, Drake premiered the video for “Energyon Taylor Swift’s favorite music streaming platform, Apple Music and later posted it to his website. The video is…. I honestly have no fucking clue. All I know for sure is that it’s an appropriate video for a song called “Energy“, because watching it made me feel like I had just freebased a can of expired Four Loko.

In the video, Drake’s face is superimposed on several famous people including Miley CyrusRob Ford, Ben Franklin, President Barack Obama, a Ken doll, Kanye West in the Bound 2 video, Justin Bieber, an old white dude, OJ Simpson. He puts Mike Myers in Austin Powers 3 to shame. Here’s the video. Go ahead and watch it before Apple Music yanks it down.

It’s all straight-up terrifying, but this is especially terrifying:

Oprah should expect a frantic phone call from Gayle King any minute now. “Girl, are you ok? I just saw a picture of you, and you look terrible. I’m coming over with some Jolen and my Lady Remington.

Batfleck Is Getting His Own Movie

July 10, 2015 / Posted by:

Dazzler, She-Ra and Wonder Girl are just a few superheroes who have yet to get their own movies even though everyone (read: me and probably only me) is screaming for that shit to happen. But yet, Hollywood stays sucking on Batman’s rubber ass and is putting out a movie that nobody (except for their accountants) asked for. They are giving us another standalone Batman movie starring Ben Affleck who is fresh off his role as “estranged husband with the sads” in Photo-Op For People Magazine.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is still months away from coming out, but Warner Bros has already made a deal with Ben to co-write (with Geoff Johns), direct and star in his own Batman movie tentatively titled Batman 456: WHY?!!!! Ben is directing Live By Night (co-starring former home wrecking legend Sienna Miller) next and will focus on the Batman movie after that. Ben’s going to be at the gigantic nerd cream puddle known as Comic-Con this weekend and he’s expected to announce it then. via Deadline

The Batman movie would shoot after he finishes Live By Night, and the plot would reflect the Batman character that emerges after Batman V Superman and Justice League, the latter of which comes out November 17, 2017. DC and Warner Bros have set a long list of superhero movies that take the Marvel formula of interspersing characters from one film to the next, so it’s unclear when Affleck’s Batfilm will be slotted.

It’s pretty smart for Ben Affleck to announce this mess during Comic-Con. If a reporter or anybody else asks him questions about his MARRIAGE CRISIS or alleged wandering dick or David Fincher shading him or his possibly new post-break-up tramp stamp, he can just tell everyone that the new Batman movie will also star Matt Damon as Robin, Blake NotSoLively as Catwoman and Jennifer Lopez as Poison Ivy. Everyone would forget about his alleged wandering dick and his MARRIAGE CRISIS, because we’d too busy screaming while burning down the Hollywood sign.

Here’s some pictures from the last few days of Ben Affleck wearing his wedding ring while walking around Atlanta. This break-up has really taken its toll on Ben Affleck’s chichis, because they’re looking extra frowny.

Pics: Splash

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