The Kardashians Are Refusing To Keep Shooting Because They Think The KUWTK Krew Is Stealing From Them

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Ever since a sticky-fingered bandit made off with $54,000 of Kourtney Kardashian’s kash from her home and $250,000 worth of Khloe Kardashian’s jewellery from her house, Kim Kardashian and her krew of skanky sisters have kalled it kwits on filming the tenth season of Keeping Up With A Family of Talentless Trash because they think the burglaries were an inside job.

TMZ says that The Narcoleptic Hooker Queen, KhloTron-2000, and the slow one who humps on Scott Disick are convinced that the person pilfering their cash and joo-rey is one of the poor souls assigned to follow them around with a camera. A source close to the girls (one of the many johns with a Pimp Mama Kris’s Diskount Hookers Loyalty Kard) claims that Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe all hired extra security and installed more surveillance cameras, but Kourtney still got her shit lifted in the Hamptons earlier this month. Now they’re refusing to continue filming their dumb reality show until producers try to weed out their thieves by forcing the crew to take lie detector tests. Quickly God, use your magic powers to destroy every single polygraph test in the universe!

There’s no need to call The Maury Show just yet; let’s see if I can’t use my powers of deduction to finger the culprit. It’s definitely not any of the crew; they’re all compensated handsomely by Lucifer for taking the jobs nobody else wants and have no need to steal cash. Missing jewelry would lead me to believe it was that glamorous bitch Bruce Jenner, but as if he’d ever be caught dead in last season’s rhinestones. Thousands of dollars in stolen cash would lead me to believe it was their deadbeat sock-hustling brother, but stealing would require his lazy ass to leave the house, so it’s not him. That only leaves…NORTH WEST! Of course! She’s probably stockpiling cash and jewellery in preparation for the day she can get her tiny hands on a fake passport and flee to a tiny island off the coast of Madagascar.

And here’s the silicone-stuffed sedated former porn star taking some time out of her busy schedule of nothing and nothing to pose for the paps in two different outfits.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Courtney Love Blew Through $27 Million

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Five years ago, Detective Courtney Love and her sidekick Professor Adderall searched the foggy cobblestone streets (read: got all the way high while watching Scooby Doo) for the blatant thieves who stole $30 million in cash and $500 million in property from Kurt Cobain’s estate. Well, after Detective Courtney and Professor Adderall searched under every crack rock and checked every corner of the crack house world, they finally raised their magnifying glasses on the criminal mastermind who lifted millions from Kurt Cobain’s estate. Detective Courtney Love discovered that Detective Courtney Love is the one who took all that money. PLOT TWIST (not really)! If this was an episode of Murder, She Wrote and Jessica Fletcher just announced that it was Courtney Love who used a shovel to scoop out millions of dollars from the checking account of Kurt Cobain’s estate, the camera would pan to everybody in the room slowly combusting inside from SHOCK.

Cracked Out Courtney tells The Daily Mail (via Page Six) that yeah, she burned through $27 million throughout the years, but it’s really not that big of a deal, because it’s not like she made that money and think of all the South Americans who make pennies an hour from cooking up the bad shit that she buys by the truck load. They should call Courtney “madre“! Because Courtney’s brain has melted into a thick puddle of sticky delusion, she thinks that $27 million is only a lifetime of money to people. But Courtney isn’t crying over all those lost millions, because she has enough money to pay her back alley pharmacists, so she’s cool.  Continue reading »

Anna Kendrick Is Maybe Boning Theon Greyjoy From Game Of Thrones

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

It’s a Christmas (in August) miracle! Back in June, Anna Kendrick cried to Elle Magazine that no one had hit on her in five years, which made no goddamn sense, because Anna Kendrick is an adorably chipper human-looking field mouse, and you’d think she’d have all sorts of suitors lined up at the door to her grass burrow. But for some reason, her milkshakes were bringing 0.00 boys to the meadow.

However, according to the New York Post (via Hollywood.com) Anna has finally found someone to hit on her, and it’s Lily Allen’s brother and Game of Thrones actor Alfie Allen. A source claims that Anna and Alfie went on a date last week in Las Vegas at a place called SushiSamba, adding that they had requested a dark table and were spotted enjoying drinks. Ew, get a room you two! The source also added (no they didn’t) that witnesses caught their eyes canoodling while eating spicy tuna rolls and Anna giggled as she playfully poked Alfie with one of her chopsticks. Then they put on a pair of roller skates, told SushiSamba to kill the lights, and skated around the restaurant to “I’m Not In Love” till they were asked to leave.

Well, good for Anna. I’m glad to hear she’s no longer at home wrist-deep in a pint of Karamel Sutra and looking up dudes from middle school on Facebook (Stars! Just like the rest of us!). And obviously, if they’re together long enough to get a “Brangelina” nickname, Anna Kendrick and Alfie Allen should either go with “Anal” or “Alfdrick”. Someone please grab the brain bleach, because, yes, I just pictured ALF’s dick.

Everyone Looked Like Tubes Of Lipstick At The Giver Premiere Last Night

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

I haven’t read “The Giver” since I was in the fourth grade (and even then, I probably just skimmed through it enough to have a vague understanding of the story, then went back to reading Betty and Veronica vs. That Slut Bitch Cheryl Blossom for the 1,384th time that week) but I don’t remember the color red being a thing. Cut to the worn-out copy of ”The Giver” on my bookcase, hissing: “IT’S ONLY THE MOST IMPORTANT THEME IN THE NOVEL, YOU ILLITERATE TWAT!”

All I can remember is that “The Giver” was set in some black-and-white dystopia world where people couldn’t remember what hamburgers tasted like and they forgot what a lion was (that’s definitely a part in it, I’m sure) and that an old dude called The Giver gave you memories and shit. It was basically The Hunger Games dry humped The Notebook.

Anyways, either red is a very important aspect of that book that I’m forgetting since my brain is 99.9999% memories of Shark Bites Fruit Snacks commercials, or everyone just decided to dress up like their favorite shade of lipstick, because why the hell not. Every single ho who walked the red carpet at the NYC premiere of The Giver looking like a swatch from a CoverGirl collection called “Soft Romance”. Katie Holmes wore a dress in light pink (Xenu Blush, I believe), Odeya Rush wore a gown in Aspiring KStew Rose, Taylor Swift wore a dress in Republican Princess Red on top and Unsweetened Oatmeal on the bottom, and Meryl Streep wore pants, because Meryl Streep was entered the “Fuck Spanx” part of her life. Meryl Streep is smart. Oh, and she also wore red, because I believe you would have been turned away at the door if you didn’t.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Robin Williams’ Final Instagram Update And Other Things That’ll Make You Say, “Why Is It So Dusty In This Room?”

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

Good Morning, Vietnam (said with a sad face).  Actually, I don’t think Vietnam or anybody got out of bed this morning, because what’s the point?

Shortly after Robin Williams reunited with Orson, the tributes filled Twitter and everywhere else, because who didn’t love Robin Williams? Robin Williams is like glitter, everyone loves glitter and everyone loves Robin Williams. (If you’re raising your hand to say that you don’t love glitter, please stay seated and lower your hand. Your opinion doesn’t count since you’re obviously empty inside.) I usually hate it when the media points out the last thing that a celebrity posted on Instagram before their death, but Robin William last post was a bittersweet one. Robin posted a vintage picture of him and his daughter Zelda Williams on her 25th birthday. Zelda tweeted a tribute to her dad last night. This morning, we all work in the middle of an onion cutting factory.

zeldawilliams

During a taping of Conan, the news of Robin’s death hit and Conan, who looked like he was on the verge of letting out all the tears, Andy Richter and his guest, Tan Dad, took a moment to say a few touching words:

President Obama released a statement and Sarah Michelle Gellar, who worked with Robin on The Crazy Ones, called him the father she “always dreamed of having.” And Robin’s Mrs. Doubtfire wife, Sally Field, said this:

“I feel stunned and so sad about Robin. I’m sad for the world of comedy. And so very sad for his family. And I’m sad for Robin. He always lit up when he was able to make people laugh, and he made them laugh his whole life long…. tirelessly. He was one of a kind. There will not be another. Please God, let him now rest in peace.”

M’Lynn always says it best.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

This seasoned lord of dance who delivered the moves in the rain while wearing a plastic poncho.

No, this member of the Fly Pepaws doesn’t come close to touching the artistry and dontgiveafuckness of the old dude who tossed his crutches to get all the way down, but after five tons of sadness dropped on all of our heads yesterday, what we really need is grandpa showing the young whores how dance is really done.

Buzzfeed thinks that this panty cream-inducing danseur is trying to do The Running Man, but ho please. Dude is obviously putting his own spin on the Hangin’ Tough dance and made it international by throwing in some Riverdance in there. He’s doing the Irish Hangin’ Tough.

Dude looks like a zombie playing an imaginary piano while standing on hot coals and that is how you dance. Dance, pepaw, dance! Dance like the world is watching, because they should be and they should be throwing bouquets of roses (or bouquets of blue plastic ponchos) at your feet.

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Birthday Sluts

August 12, 2014 / Posted by:

George Hamilton (75)
Cara Delevingne (22)
Justin Gaston (26)
Dominique Swain (34)
Plaxico Burress (37)
Casey Affleck (39)
Michael Ian Black (43)
Yvette Nicole Brown (43)
Rebecca Gayheart (43)
Pete Sampras (43)
Tanita Tikaram (45)
Peter Krause (49)
Sir Mix-a-Lot (51)
Miss Cleo (52)
Bruce Greenwood (58)
Dana Ivey (73)

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The Porn Iguana And Doug Hutchison Are Back Together Because True Love Always Conquers

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Remember last year when the Porn Iguana and Doug Hutchison (aka the Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton of our time) broke up and you immediately dumped your piece because love obviously didn’t exist and we were all destined to be ALONE? The cherubs immediately got in line at the unemployment office because they knew that their job was a lie. Well, call up your piece and beg them back, because love has risen from the ashes now that the half-melted Dollar Tree iguana toy and the prolapsed vagina-faced creep who brought her are back together again. Rejoice! Love lives!

Courtney Stodden’s shameless pimp of a mother, Krista Keller, tells FOX411 that since breaking up with Tooms, her daughter has “experienced other men” and what she means by that is she tried to sell her off to a few 90-year-old millionaires but the best offer she got was a wilted head of lettuce and an opened bag of iguana food. So the Porn Iguana realized that she belongs with the leech who looks like a botched circumcision.

“Courtney realized just how much love she really had for Doug. They really love each other and wanted to be together.

When I signed that [marriage certificate], I think moms sometimes know their daughters and I’m very very happy for them that she’s made this choice again for herself.”

During the Couples Therapy reunion, which shot recently, the Porn Iguana and Creepy Doug announced that they’re back together and are engaged. These messes are still married, so now they’re an engaged married couple? Just like the Porn Iguana’s entire existence, that doesn’t make any sense. But it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that the sanctity of marriage is restored. If two STUNT QUEEN fame whores who got married for publicity, faked their split for publicity and are getting back together for publicity can make it, any of us can make it.

Dourtney has his family back! (“Bitch, you say that like it’s a good thing.” – Dourtney)

Night Crumbs

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

This GIF of Ian Somerhalder kissing the factory-defected Charo Bratz doll Ariana Grande Latte at the Teens Shouldn’t Have A Choice Awards is the visual definition of awkward. In that GIF, Ian plays the part of me and Ariana Grande Latte plays the part of every bad first date I’ve ever had – Lainey Gossip 

So which one of these new Real Housewives of Atlanta is going to snap and end up using Kenya Moore as a Swiffer at the next reunion? SPOILER ALERT: Both – Reality Tea

So I see Calvin Harris is taking his break-up with Rita Whora really well – Celebitchy

Michelle Rodriguez gets naked in mud and I’ve nearly bruised whatever is left of my brain while trying to come up with a Zac Efron scat joke – Drunken Stepfather

Who ever paid Wonky McValtrex $347,000 to DJ should know that a monkey would gladly press the play button for a lot less and it wouldn’t give everyone crabs – The Superficial

On one hand, Kendull Jenner is an entitled piece of trash. On the other hand, I’d be sucking down whole vineyards if Pimp Mama Kris was my mom – WWTDD

Apparently Kid got auto-tuned because the Internet would crumble into a billion pieces if he didn’t – Towleroad

If Chestica Simpson keeps sucking in so hard, her melted titty sacks are going to pop out – Popsugar

I think Adriana Lima’s right ass cheek is winking at me - Hollywood Tuna

Gwen Stefani wore overalls to the beach – Popoholic

YAAASSS! Patti LaBelle is going to be on American Horror Story: Freak Show. I hope she screams at some children – Jezebel

In case you want to know what DJ Tanner said about the death of Robin WilliamsBuzzfeed

The custody war between Megan from Melrose Place and her husband is still a wreck – ICYDK

And somewhere in the corner, a ghost stands with Justin Bieber and shows him his future – Boy Culture

Lady CaCa wishes she had the eyebrow game of Faye Dunaway as Joan CrawfordSOW

Nope – The Berry

Emma Stone might be Sally Bowles in Cabaret on Broadway – Just Jared

You can always count on American teens to care about the REAL issues that matter – HuffPo

Pic: Getty

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Robin Williams Has Died

August 11, 2014 / Posted by:

There’s really no reason to smile anymore, because Robin Williams has died. Robin was 63. His body was found today at his home in Tiburon, CA  and the police believe he committed suicide by asphyxiating himself to death. Robin recently spent time in rehab for a sober tune-up of sorts. The Marin County Sheriff’s Department released this statement:

On August 11, 2014, at approximately 11:55 a.m, Marin County Communications received a 9-1-1 telephone call reporting a male adult had been located unconscious and not breathing inside his residence in unincorporated Tiburon, CA. The Sheriff’s Office, as well as the Tiburon Fire Department and Southern Marin Fire Protection District were dispatched to the incident with emergency personnel arriving on scene at 12:00 pm. The male subject, pronounced deceased at 12:02 pm has been identified as Robin McLaurin Williams, a 63-year-old resident of unincorporated Tiburon, CA.

An investigation into the cause, manner, and circumstances of the death is currently underway by the Investigations and Coroner Division s of the Sheriff’s Office. Preliminary information developed during the investigation indicates Mr. Williams was last seen alive at his residence, where he resides with his wife, at approximately 10:00 pm on August 10, 2014. Mr. Williams was located this morning shortly before the 9-1-1 call was placed to Marin County Communications. At this time, the Sheriff’s Office Coroner Division suspects the death to be a suicide due to asphyxia, but a comprehensive investigation must be completed before a final determination is made. A forensic examination is currently scheduled for August 12, 2014 with subsequent toxicology testing to be conducted.

Robin’s wife of 3 years Susan Schneider confirmed his death in a statement to The Hollywood Reporter:

“This morning, I lost my husband and my best friend, while the world lost one of its most beloved artists and beautiful human beings. I am utterly heartbroken. On behalf of Robin’s family, we are asking for privacy during our time of profound grief. As he is remembered, it is our hope the focus will not be on Robin’s death, but on the countless moments of joy and laughter he gave to millions.”

Well, this one felt like a kick straight to the soft part of my soul and I didn’t even know I had a soul. When I first saw this on Twitter, I thought it was a hoax and figured Robin would shoot it down by tweeting a picture of him holding an iPad with today’s date on it. (I was going to say newspaper, but who read that shit?) I don’t even know what to say. The world is a less funny and fun place without Mork, Mrs. Doubtfire, Rainbow Randolph, the Genie, Popeye, T.S. Garp, John Keating, Peter Pan, Patch Adams and Armand Goldman in it.

Rest in peace, Robin, you furry angel.

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