In the late 80s and early 90s, Nickelodeon tried to make Moon Shoes the next Pogo Ball and for a while they were on almost every kid’s Christmas list and some kids probably traded their parents’ organs on the black market to buy a pair. They were supposed to be magic trampolines for your feets. But some kids who bought them quickly found out that they were kind of a dud. That shouldn’t have been surprising, because look at those things. They look like two $3 chancletas from the Swap Meet tied to two Caboodles with black rubber bands. They were obviously made to amuse grown-ups, because watching children fall the hell over while trying to jump on plastic bricks brings hours of entertainment!
Cynthia Nixon (48)
Elle Fanning (16)
Kristen Stewart (24)
Jesse McCartney (27)
Jazmine Sullivan (27)
Leighton Meester (28)
Jay Baruchel (32)
Albert Hammond, Jr. (34)
Yoanna House (34)
Keisha Knight Pulliam (35)
Rachel Stevens (36)
Gerard Way (37)
Jenna Jameson (40)
Austin Peck (43)
Paulina Porizkova (49)
Marc Jacobs (51)
Joe Scarborough (51)
Martin Margiela (57)
Dennis Quaid (60)
Michael Learned (75)
Hugh Hefner (88)
What a completely natural portrait that was probably taken by Mario Testino and was created with the help of 3 assistants, 4 lighting designers, 2 hair stylists, 3 make-up artists who specialize in creating the SAN FARDS look, 2 publicists, a body language coach and a nanny waving a Twinkie. Goopy also “oil pulled” for 2 hours straight so her teeth could look whiter than her dancing.
While looking like a luck dragon letting out a fart, Goopy Paltrow held onto her son Moses in a picture she threw up on Instagram today next to the words, “Moses Bruce Paltrow Martin turns 8 today. We Love you!” You can almost hear Goopy say through her teeth, “Stop squirming, just one more picture and I’ll let you sniff that Twinkie. Your mother needs some good publicity and people need to see my wedding ring even though your father already pawned his off and used the money to buy a Steak ‘n Shake franchise.”
Maggie Gyllenhaal went blonde and now looks like a derpy British boy in his nana’s party dress- Celebitchy
Speaking of young British boys in drag, Miley Cyrus is serving up some “Rocco Ritchie in one of Madge’s old Blonde Ambition costumes” realness – Drunken Stepfather
Jennifer Aniston is still trying to fug her way to that Oscar (and fugging her way to that Oscar means she took out her weave and isn’t wearing ten pounds of makeup) - Lainey Gossip
If Christina Hendricks went on Game of Thrones and went full frontal, the sky would be filled with flying peens that blew off of nerdboys everywhere – Jezebel
Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann and KATE UPTON’S TITS at the German premiere of The Other Woman – Hollywood Tuna
Panty Creamer of the Day: Zac Efron flexes and yes, I’d let him throw a bottle at my Skid Row – Towleroad
…and one second later, the pap who Lindsay Lohan blew an air kiss at was instantly drunk and had to be treated for alcohol poisoning – The Superficial
RIP The Real Housewives Of Miami! And hopefully this means that La Bruja is getting the solo show she truly deserves – Reality Tea
Here’s Zac Efron shoving a wobbly dildo into Seth Rogen’s mouth and if I smoke the right strain, I can fap to that – IDLYITW
Mila Kunis’ fetus is growing – Popoholic
The bouncer who denied Jennie Garth is obviously a permanent member of Team Brenda and he chose the right team – ICYDK
Kim Kardashian’s Tupperware ass looks like two plastic outdoor rock speakers – HuffPo
Okay, but when can I see this Ryan Beard in a Sean Cody presentation? – The Berry
The Dutch shows the rest of the world how The Bachelor is really done – (NSFW because of a lot of swinging soft peen) OMG Blog
Yes, I will hump Paul Rudd for $1, but the question is will that hot Scottish dude at the 2:20 mark hump me for $1? – Pajiba
The longest gay kiss tastes like sand, saltwater, fish piss and seaweed – Boy Culture
Try again, Jimmy Kimmel and Johnny Depp! A kiss is not a kiss without tongue – SOW
Claire Danes SANS FARDS – Celebslam
Tapioca panty pudding alert!
Here’s 74-year-old F. Murray Abraham setting genitals on fire with his nips at the opening night after-party for The Threepenny Opera in NYC last night. Dip your head in a bowl of Clorox to cleanse your thoughts if you looked at this picture and said, “Oh, it’s The Situation in 50 years!” The Situation today could never bring it the way F. Murray Abraham brought it last night. When F. Murray’s shirt goes up, the granny panties (and baggy support hose) come down and the Werther’s Original lube comes out.
Pics: Getty, Wenn.com
In case you needed another reminder that you clearly fucked up in a past life and now are being punished, here’s some news that will make you shake your fist at the ceiling for a solid 5 minutes before spilling a lukewarm AriZona green tea all over your crotch and screaming “FUUUUCK YOUUUU” to the universe. According to the NY Daily News, The Queen of Coachella Nü-Hippies, Vanessa Hudgens, is getting a fat greasy $15,000 cheque from McDonalds to attend the obnoxious annual denim cutoff convention in Indio, CA this weekend. Dear McDonalds: You’re dumb because you just paid Vanessa to do a job she would have done for free. Coachella is like her religion. Every night she gives double peace signs to the framed picture of Minnetonka booties hanging above her bed before praying on a floral headband rosary, beginning every prayer with “Our high-waisted jorts in Heaven, hallowed be thy fringe…”
And it’s not just Vanessa who’s cashing in on Coachella. Musical theatre bunion Lea Michele is being paid $20,000 from Lacoste and all she has to do is show up wearing a shirt with a gator on it. So when you see pictures of Lea Michele dressed as a tennis-paying yuppie sticking out like a sore thumb amidst a sea of fringed patchouli-scented coochie-cutters, you’ll know why.
But some celebrities aren’t as lucky as Vanessa and Lea (let’s come back to that sentence in 10 years and we can all have a good laugh). Breaking Bad’s Aaron Paul is still waiting to hear back regarding his request for $15,000 and two VIP passes, Joe Jonas is looking for around $20,000 to appear (paid in cash or coke, he’s not picky), and Kate Bosworth – yes the Kate Bosworth who’s notoriety is limited to having two fucked-up eyes – is asking for $30,000.
It all sort of makes sense that they need to lure people to Coachella with clickety-clack sounds, because why the fuck would you go otherwise? Coachella is a hot sweaty mess in the middle of the desert that combines the stink of Burning Man with the experience of lining up for a change room at Urban Outfitters. I know, I lost me at ‘hot’ too!
Kate Mulgrew Is Not A Geocentrist Even Though She Narrated A Documentary That Claims The Universe Revolves Around The Earth
Side-eyes were thrown at Kate Mulgrew (aka Red from Orange is the New Black, Captain Janeway from Star Trek and Mary Ryan from Ryan’s Hope) today when a trailer for a crazy documentary made the rounds and her voice was in it. The documentary about geocentricism is from Robert Sungenis, an insane anti-Semetic twat bag (no offense to bags of twats) who thinks the Holocaust never happened and thinks the Jews are involved in a Zionist conspiracy to make Satan the leader of the world. (Cut to Pimp Mama Kris and Satan sipping chardonnay by the pool while laughing about how this Robert Sungenis trick thinks the Jews are part of their evil plan to take over the world.)
According to the trailer for the documentary called The Principle, Galileo was wrong about the whole “the earth circles the sun” thing and everything you learned about the solar system in the 3rd grade was a lie. The Earth is a special place that is the center of the universe and is the only planet with forms of life on it. Sungenis (who is NO sun genius) also thinks NASA is covering up all geocentric-evidence that proves that he’s right.
Famous physicists Michio Kaku and Lawrence Krauss are both in the trailer, but Lawrence Krauss made it crystal clear in a post on Slate that the clips of him used in the movie were used without his permission and he doesn’t believe in that shit. Kate Mulgrew echoed Lawrence’s statement in a post on Facebook and wrote that she was a voice for hire, a check is a check and she would’ve never taken the job if she knew what it was for:
“I understand there has been some controversy about my participation in a documentary called THE PRINCIPLE. Let me assure everyone that I completely agree with the eminent physicist Lawrence Krauss, who was himself misrepresented in the film, and who has written a succinct rebuttal in SLATE. I am not a geocentrist, nor am I in any way a proponent of geocentrism. More importantly, I do not subscribe to anything Robert Sungenis has written regarding science and history and, had I known of his involvement, would most certainly have avoided this documentary. I was a voice for hire, and a misinformed one, at that. I apologize for any confusion that my voice on this trailer may have caused.”
Well, that’s that and Captain Picard can stop shaking his head out of embarrassment now. But you know, that geocentricism shit is not far off from what other groups believe. The Brangeloonies believe that the sun, the moon, the stars and the rest of the universe revolves around St. Angie Jolie and we’re lucky to live on the same planet as her. The Scientologists believe that the entire universe revolves around John Travolta’s wig. And Kanye West believes that the sun and all of the planets (including Kim’s 9th planet ass) were created just to revolve around him.
Jessie J, the love child of Magica De Spell and harsh lighting, has admitted to The Mirror (via The Independent) that she’s officially taking back that time in 2011 when she came out as bisexual. I sort of always assumed her bisexuality was just a set of training wheels on her gayelle BMX bike, but it looks like I was way off. Apparently she was about as bi as a drunk college girl trying to win $50 in a Spring Break wet t-shirt contest:
“For me, it was a phase. I feel that if I continue my career not speaking on it, I almost feel more of a liar than if I didn’t. I just want to be honest, and it’s really not a big deal. Who cares? I’m just so bored of it, and that’s kind of it – I want to stop talking about it completely now and find myself a husband.”
That’s fine, sexuality is fluid and her hoo-hoo only gets hungry for cockmeat sandwiches now, whatever. But what I really want to know is when she plans on coming out as an alagant Croatian prostitute. The people need to know! God knows if I looked like a beautiful Eastern European call girl, I’d be singing it from the rooftops of every Super 8 motel, because there’s no glamour like Polish hooker glamour, and if you’re not living for Polish hooker glamour, what the hell are you doing with your life?
ScarJo is engaged to a hot French open-eyed Josh Hartnett type, has a baby growing in her body, has a pair of magnificent chichis and gets paid millions of dollars to “act” even though what she doesn’t shouldn’t be called “acting,” and yet she’s still out there bitching, complaining and whining about stuff. ScarJo, you have heavenly cloud chichis and can shop at Whole Foods without looking at the prices, what more do you want?! Well, apparently ScarJo hates the name ScarJo and wishes whores would stop typing it. During an interview with Glamour (via People), ScarJo spit out some backwash from 2011 when she bitched that the nickname “ScarJo” is lazy, tacky and insulting and is something a pop star calls herself. ScarJo is obviously calling out JLo and that’s her way of saying that in the battle of TITS vs. ASS, TITS win. Cry more, SCARJO.
“I associate that name with, like, pop stars. It sounds tacky. It’s lazy and flippant. And there’s something kind of violent about it. There’s something insulting about it.”
This bitch. ScatHo should be grateful that we’re not calling her ass, “Who?“, or “the last place loser on Dancing with the Has-Beens.” The nickname ScarJo is the opposite of offensive, but ScarJo just proved that it’s the perfect nickname for her. It’s lazy, flippant and tacky, just like her! And now that I know that it makes her nipples burn, I’ll scream it forever!
And during an interview with Vanity Fair (via JJ), SCARJO was asked about breaking up with OxFam after she signed up to be the spokestits of SodaStream, which has a factory on the West Bank. ScarJo basically said that the people hating on her for being the face of a soda water machine company that has a factory in the West Bank are anti-semitic.
“[I'm being called] the new face of apartheid. There’s a lot of anti-Semitism out there.”
So wait, would she rather her nickname be “The New Face of Apartheid” over “ScarJo,” because I’m confused and I need to know what to update my tags with.
Since feminism didn’t truly exist until Beyoncé discovered it, Beyoncé has once again put on her smart lady glasses (a lensless pair of Sallys) and batik-print caftan to conduct an interview with OUT magazine as her alter-ego, associate dean of women’s studies Dr. Sasha Fierce-Byrnstein and speak about feminism and sexuality. She must be currently re-writing Our Bodies, Ourselves (new title: My Body, You Wish) because she has a lot to say. Firstly, Dr. Fierce-Byrnstein would like you to know that singing about riding Joe Camel’s surfbort dick is the reason you now feel comfortable enough to consider buying a vibrator:
“I’d like to believe that my music opened up that conversation. There is unbelievable power in ownership, and women should own their sexuality. There is a double standard when it comes to sexuality that still persists. Men are free and women are not. That is crazy.”
She then goes on to say that regardless of whatever arbitrary job you have, you can still hold your head high and fuck like you’ve got two new bottles of lube and no neighbours:
“You can be a businesswoman, a mother, an artist, and a feminist — whatever you want to be — and still be a sexual being. It’s not mutually exclusive.”
But it’s not just women who benefit from Beyoncé’s discovery of feminism and equality (start writing your Thank You letters to Beyoncé now, gay people):
“Being that I am a woman in a male-dominated society, the feminist mentality rang true to me and became a way to personalize that struggle…But what I’m really referring to, and hoping for, is human rights and equality, not just that between a woman and a man. So I’m very happy if my words can ever inspire or empower someone who considers themselves an oppressed minority.”
TL:DR: “You’re welcome, everyone. You can start naming universities after me now.”
Look, I’m really happy that Beyoncé discovered feminism and equality, I truly am (I’ll take a 20 Beyoncés over another Kirsten Dunst) but I CAN’T with the way she believes she’s created this radical, unheard-of theory. Every time she opens her mouth, she ends up sounding like your hippie college roommate the day they discovered the Diva Cup.
Here’s more of Dr. Sasha Fierce-Byrnstein after she took off her glasses and put on a ratty white wig to become her third alter ego, slutty Carol Channing: