Buster “Butter Brownie“, the lazy ass lazy raccoon who does a spot-on impersonation of you every morning!
In this riveting two minute and forty seconds long video, Buster the raccoon suffers through a severe case of the EVERY MORNINGS as his rude humans try to get him out of bed. If you replaced his humans with an iPhone alarm and added a red wine-infused drool spot under his mouth, that’d be me pretty much every morning. Buster is really all of us. But I don’t know why his humans are bugging him to get out of bed. The hell does Buster have to do? It’s not like he’s going to be late for work, because ho obviously doesn’t have a job. Buster was probably up late going through trash cans and partying in dumpsters, so his humans need to leave him alone. Let Buster have his mimi times!
“WHAT did you do for that Klondike bar!?!?” – Dawn Davenport
Bust a knut. – Tyler Harrell
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The new Star Wars movie got a full title and in case you can’t tell by that picture above the full title is: Star Wars: The Force Awakens. I didn’t realize The Force took a disco nap. I expect every hardcore Star Wars fanboy to whisper that subtitle into the ear of his Princess Leia Real Doll when he wakes up with morning wood - Lainey Gossip
These Campari calendar pictures starring Eva Green are hot, but they still won’t get me to drink Campari - Drunken Stepfather
So basically, Justin Theroux is going to come home after buying another pair of black jeggings and find Jennifer Aniston in a wedding gown surrounded by her favorite Cabbage Patch dolls in bridesmaids dresses – Celebitchy
I’d watch the CMA Awards if they brought the glamour the way they did in the 90s – Jezebel
Kim Richards stays clueless, releases a dog shit statement about Kingsley attacking her niece – Reality Tea
Brit Brit Spears got the key to the City of Las Vegas, and about five minutes later Las Vegas changed their locks – WWTDD
The massive flaming douchebag from this season of Top Chef got arrested for being a massive flaming douchebag – The Superficial
Be right back, going to Starbucks to order ALL the Lattes – Towleroad
That fake unicorn looks really excited and thrilled to be posing with Rebel Wilson – The Berry
Why is Tacky Pataky wearing what looks like an ice skating costume made out of bordello curtains? – Hollywood Tuna
Anne Hathaway looks like a disgraced preacher’s wife – Popoholic
Ariana Grande Latte performed at the CMAs while wearing something from the Tron junior prom – IDLYITW
Daddy Spears’ has officially hired a new boyfriend for Our Lady of Cheetos – ICYDK
How NOT To Get Away With Attempted Murder by the drummer of AC/DC – Popsugar
FYI: Michael Sam was on Harry Styles’ back recently - OMG Blog
Poke at me when Nick Jonas does gay porn already – SOW
Bitch, please, we know your address is AZUSA, Adore Delano - Boy Culture
When 21-year-old Jessa Duggar married 19-year-old Ben Seewald, they decided to not share their first kiss in front of their 1,000 wedding guests and her mom and dad mouth fucked for everyone instead. I figured that Jessa passed on kissing at her wedding for the first time, because she was afraid that kissing Ben might make her realize that she’s a lesbian and the flinch she’d make wouldn’t look good in front of TLC’s cameras. But just a few days after they passed on kissing at their wedding, they kissed in a black and white selfie on Instagram. I just…
Okay Cumberbitches, you got me, you got me. I side-eyed your fascination with Benedict Cumberbitch, but now I get it after seeing this video of one of his kind.
This adorable fluff ball with Jeepers Creepers stickers as eyes is now living it up in Chicago just a few weeks after she was down and out on the California Coast. The Los Angeles Times says that two weeks ago, this baby otter, known as Pup 681 for now, was rescued from a beach between Santa Cruz and San Mateo by marine officials after a dude taking a stroll heard her cries. She was just a week old. She was taken to the Monterey Bay Aquarium where they fed her food and fattened up her body from 2 pounds to 6 pounds.
Once the Monterey Bay Aquarium got Benedict’s third cousin twice removed at the wading pool healthy again, she was transferred to Shedd’s Abbott Oceanarium in Chicago to start learning how to otter. She doesn’t know how to swim, groom, play or get food, because that’s some shit her parents were supposed to teach her, but they decided they weren’t about that life and ran off to the big city or something. Tim Binder, the VP of animal collection at Shedd’s, says they have to start from scratch:
“Pup 681’s situation was urgent. As an organization dedicated to marine mammal care and conservation, we were perfectly positioned to ensure that this little pup had a home, providing the long-term care needed to survive. It truly takes a village to rehabilitate a young sea otter. Our animal care team is teaching the pup how to be an otter.”
Southern Sea otters are still on the endangered species list. So quick, everyone take a raw nut from Benedict Cumberbatch. His species depends on it!
And here’s video of Pup 681 swimming and cuddling with the staff at Shedd’s. Open up the casket and throw me in. I’m dead.
That shifty crackhead side-eye… All the fucking awwwwwwwwwwwws!
Rachel Bilson And Hayden Christensen Just Had A Baby, And Apparently They Are Huge Sleeping Beauty Fans
Since I’m a Canadian person, I’m sure some of you are expecting me to say something snarky about that Maples Leafs hat on Hayden Christensen’s head. But to be completely honest, I don’t much care for hockey. I know, I should have my citizenship revoked.
Us Weekly says that Rachel Bilson (aka Summer from The O.C.) and her boyfriend Hayden Christensen (aka NOT SETH) are now the parents of a baby girl. Cue “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King! And while neither Rachel nor Hayden have confirmed the news themselves, multiple sources claim that their new baby’s name is Briar Rose. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed Blake Lively, as she crosses the top name off her Disney Princess baby name list.
In case booze has killed your last remaining brain cell containing the memories of your childhood, or you’ve just plain forgot, Briar Rose is the alias used by that narcoleptic trick Princess Aurora when she goes to live in the woods with those hot Golden Girls fairies in Sleeping Beauty. I want to like that name, but believe it or not, I’ve known two Briars, and they were both stuck-up bitches. But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, and Baby Briar Rose Bilson-Christensen will grow up to be cool and not a jerk who makes fun of my last-season L.A. Gears.
Or maybe Hayden wanted to pay tribute to his Canadian roots by naming his baby after what is arguably the most Canadian thing in existence, the Tim Horton’s Brier! Hayden – it’s not too late! You can still change that baby’s middle name to Céline!
Early this morning, every Cumberbitch woke up and after she used her fingers to chip away the shell of crusty tears that sealed her eyelids shut, she opened her eyes to see her loved one holding an open laptop while saying, “It’s time to face the Internet again.” The glare from her laptop screen blinded her for a second and she screamed, “I’m not ready! I’m not ready to face the truth!” Well, hopefully she ignored the Internet, went back to bed and continued to weep while clutching her otter stuffed animal (it’s the closest thing to a Benedict Cumberbatch Real Doll out there), because this totally truthful rumor will make her rip her own heart out and eat it.
As you all know, the Internet was almost buried alive under a mountain of broken hearts and shattered dreams yesterday when Bendandsnap Culomatches and his fancy theater director girlfriend Sophie Hunter announced in a newspaper that they’re getting married. The Daily Mail says that B. Cums and Sophie Hunter are moving pretty fast, because he only started rubbing his cloaca against her recently. B. Cums and Sophie have been friends for years and years, but they just started dating full-time five months ago, if that. The source says that B. Cums proposed on Monday and they told the newspaper on Tuesday.
“It has moved fast, but when something works, it works. They are very good for each other and are very much in love. They have mutual friends and mutual interests in the theatre. It just works. They have clicked. It is lovely news. They just got engaged this week. He didn’t go up to Edinburgh to ask her mum first. He asked her, I think, on Monday, then they rang to put the advert in on Tuesday.”
Because B. Cums put a ring on it so fast, some are saying that Sophie is pregnant and might hatch out a litter of alien lizard human babies in a few months. But a few Cumberbitches think this is all just a STUNT QUEEN stunt to get him more exposure before he begins his campaign for Oscar! I know, getting married is crazy in itself, but getting married to win an Oscar? Whatever happened to the old-fashioned sane ways of winning an Oscar like pushing your rival down the stairs or anonymously telling the media that your biggest competition is a racist homophobe?
I doubt B. Cums knocked up his fiancee, but if he did, we’ll all save so much money on our heating bills this winter. We’ll be able to warm our ass cheeks on the flames of fiery rage shooting out of the Cumberbitches.
NOOOOOOO! Say it ain’t so! STOP THE RIDE, I WANT TO GET OFF. I don’t want to live in a world without The Deaner’s derpy mug gracing my TV screen every week! I mean, not that it currently is (come on, I don’t watch that shit); but what if I wanted to start? Again, not that I would. STILL! This news is breaking my little beady-eyed sex possum loving heart! During an interview with Access Hollywood Live yesterday, The Deaner answered the question “What’s crappenin’?” by admitting he was saying smell ya later to True Tori barely 3 episodes in to the second season:
“We have five more shows left. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep opening a vein, opening my soul and sharing my feelings and thoughts and demons with the world. I don’t watch it. I can’t. It’s really difficult. I can’t do it anymore, for my soul.”
However, that doesn’t mean he’s also saying sayonara to his Admiral Ackbar-in-drag wife; The Deaner made it very clear to Billy Bush and The Other One that The Deaner is still in love with his long-term paycheck Tori Spelling.
The Deaner also confessed that True Tori had taken a pretty heavy emotional toll on him; The Deaner says that at one point, he was so depressed after Tori caught him passing his possum parts to random tricks, that he ended up driving around in his truck one night with a 9mm handgun, which then lead to The Deaner being held under a 5150 hold at the UCLA psych ward. Damn, shit just got dark.
But back to The Deaner quitting True Tori. I wonder how he did it? Oh, what do you know – I just so happen to have a copy of the email he sent Lifetime right here!
What up skanks? Listen, The Deaner’s got some bad news for ya. The Deaner needs to cool it with the reality show for a bit. Acting is hard work! And when it comes to working hard, The Deaner’s more of a “hardly working” type, you feel me? Listen, if you still need me for a couple scenes, I’ll be out back in the hammock with a brewski resting on the ol’ pork sword.
Honestly, True Tori is so fake, I bet they’ll just re-cast The Deaner, Bewitched-style, and pretend we won’t notice.
I hear you saying to yourself, “But was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton…”
Anybody who watches the diamante-covered silicone turd that is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills knows that Kim Richards’ pit bull, Kingsley (seen above screaming “HELP” with his Tiny eyes), is an absolute mess. Like owner, like dog, right? And I say that as the human of a chihuahua who does everything he does like nap for hours on end, sniff ass and twirl when he sees a piece of beef jerky. During one episode, Kim hired dog trainer David Utter to help her control Kingsley and when Kingsley came at him, he did the professional dog training move of trying to kick the dog in the head. (If you’re like me, then that sentence will make you want to watch You Kick My Dog again.) Cesar Milan calls that move the “not calm and not submissive move.”
Kim had a hard time controlling Kingsley, so it’s not exactly shocking that he attacked a human. Two days ago, the basic cable Demi Moore, Kyle Richards, Instagramm’d this picture of her and her daughters having a hospital room slumber party. Kyle said that her 18-year-old daughter Alexia was laid up in the hospital after getting attacked by a vicious dog, to which all of us said, “Okay, which one of those crazy bitches on the Real Housewives went too far this time and attacked a castmate’s child?”
TMZ says that Kingsley is the dog who mauled Alexia’s hand. Over the weekend, Kyle and her daughters were hanging out at Kim’s house when “out of nowhere” Kingsley went Cujo on Alexia. Kingsley bit Alexia’s finger to the bone and she had to have several surgeries. Animal Control was never called and Kingsley is still living at Kim’s house. Animal Services won’t do anything about the attack unless Alexia or another family member reports Kingsley. Kingsley apparently has a file with Animal Services, because he’s attacked several dogs and people including Kim’s friend who had to get attention from paramedics after he bit into her arm.
Never mind that Kim Richards shouldn’t own a half-broken Tamagotchi let alone a living and breathing pit bull, look at Kingsley’s surroundings. Kingsley is surrounded by a bunch of rabid, insane messes who constantly bark and go after each other. They all need to spend time in Victoria Stilwell’s dog training camp. I’m actually surprised that Andy Cohen hasn’t slapped a weave, a chunky rhinestone necklace and a silky blouse on Kingsley and made him a Real Housewife. I’d like to see Brandi Glanville accuse Kingsley of doing meth in the bathroom.