Introducing Jessica Johnson

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Jessica Simpson posted what is supposed to be a picture of herself on her honeymoon (I’m still not entirely convinced this isn’t a black and white picture of a drunk Willam Belli, but whatever) to Instagram this morning, and whether it was intentional or not, something was taking the attention away from Jessica’s sucked-in-to-hell-and-back body. Jessica Simpson captioned the photo “Jessica Johnson”, which means she’s either decided to take the last name of her husband Eric Johnson, or this is Jessica Simpson’s idea of a bad bitch Sasha Fierce-style alter-ego.

Everyone knows that, regardless of gender, a good gold digger takes the name of their million-dollar piece, so if anyone is going to change their name, it will be Eric Johnson (I’m guessing he’ll go traditional with Mr. Jessica Simpson). Which means that obviously Jessica Johnson is the name Jessica Simpson uses when she wants to pretend that she’s a sexy-yet-drowsy 4th-tier amateur MILF porn star who may or may not also work at a Bath & Body Works outlet.

In the event she does actually change her name to Jessica Johnson, I hope she also changes the name of her fashion empire as well. Jessica Johnson would be to basic bitches what Ralph Lauren is to snobby rich white ladies. Imagine if every Jessica Johnson handbag came with a coupon for a pumpkin spice latte and a complimentary pair of Uggs? She’d go from being a basic bitch millionaire to a basic bitch billionaire.

Pic: Instagram

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNERS For July 14th!

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

With Jeremy Jackson, Paris Hilton and Greasy Bear managing to make the news again, I’m not surprised to see a new picture of Cisco Adler making the rounds. – HiRollan

Upvote winner:

A team of professionals prepare to install an actual asshole in Kim’s butt. Up till now, she could only shit through her mouth. – Marcel818

via Break

Hot Slut Of The Day!

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

The vagina kayak that got Japanese artist Rokudenashiko arrested!

Rokudenashiko is the Gerard Butler of Japanese artists, because she has been obsessed with twat for years. Rokudenashiko told HuffPo last year that her mission to make “pussy more casual and pop” started after she got vagina rejuvenation surgery because she didn’t think hers looked right. She felt disconnected to her vagina after the surgery and realized that coochie is taboo in Japan and the rest of the world, so she vowed to change that through ART! She wants to bring the vagina out of hiding. She put a pussy on everyday objects and turned her apartment into Queen Latifah’s wonderland dreamland. She made a coochie lamp with a lit-up clit, a vulva iPhone case, several snatch dioramas and a poon lip picture frame. Rokudenashiko’s main goal is to fill the world with more pussy. Somewhere deep in the Scientology bath house, John Travolta’s Thetans are holding onto his body for dear life as he shakes with fear after reading the words “fill the world with more pussy.”

For her latest pussy art project, Rokudenashiko created a giant vagina kayak she calls the “Pussy Boat” (“Call my copyright lawyer!” – Leonardo DiCatchAHo). Pussies on water isn’t exactly a new thing and anybody who has been to Lake Tahoe and has seen giant pussies in Affliction board shorts on jet skis knows that to be true. But what makes Rokudenashiko’s pussy boat special is that it is a humongous replica of her own twat (and strangely enough, it’s an actual-size replica of Backdoor Farrah’s twat). She used a 3D printer to make her Pussy Boat. Her dream of riding through the rivers of the world on her own twat was close to coming true. But Buzzfeed says that the Japanese police pussy-blocked her dream when they arrested her for breaking Japanese obscenity laws.

Rokudenashiko used crowdsourcing to fund her Pussy Boat and anybody who donated money got 3D scanned data of her crotch flower. There’s a law in Japan that states that selling, displaying or distributing “obscene objects” is illegal. They used that law to arrest Rokudenashiko. This is coming from the land that brings us the beautiful and magical Penis Festival. So according to Japanese police, Rokudenashiko’s cooch is “obscene” yet Avril Lavigne’s music isn’t and she’s free to roam their country after doing shit like this? Everything is wrong with that picture.

So since Rokudenashiko is in jail, her Pussy Boat has been docked.

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FREE Rokudenashiko! The Pussy Boat needs its captain back and no, Justin Bieber, you can’t volunteer for the job. The Pussy Boat would shrivel up and close if you got near it.

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Birthday Sluts

July 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Taylor Kinney (33)
Tristan Wilds (25)
Laura Benanti (35)
Travis Fimmel (35)
Lana Parrilla (37)
Gabriel Iglesias (38)
Diane Kruger (38)
Lana Parrilla (38)
Jim Jones (38)
Evan Marriott aka Joe Millionaire (40)
Brian Austin Green (41)
Scott Foley (42)
Beth Ostrosky Stern (42)
Eddie Griffin (46)
Adam Savage (47)
Brigitte Nielsen (51)
Lolita Davidovich (53)
Forest Whitaker (53)
Willie Aames (54)
Kim Alexis (54)
Marky Ramone (58)
Alicia Bridges (61)
Terry O’Quinn (62)
Jesse Ventura (63)
Arianna Huffington (64)
Linda Rondstadt (68)
Jan-Michael Vincent (70)
Millie Jackson (70)

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QOTD: Sharon Stone’s Ass Can Be Enjoyed With A Nice Red Wine And Some Grapes

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Sharon Stone is going on vacation and knows that the paps she calls are going to take close-up pictures of her 56-year-old nalgas in a bikini. Sharon told E! News that she knows the tabloids are going to draw a circle around her ass and say that it looks like something you serve with canned peaches to kids when you want them to have a healthy dessert. But Sharon says that her ass isn’t something found in a plastic tub with the name Knudsen on it. Sharon’s ass is way more refined than that, thankyouverymuch.

“I haven’t worked out in a couple of months because I just didn’t feel like it. But now I’m going on vacation and I know what they’re going to do—[the tabloids] are going to put a circle around my ass and do one of those crazy magnified pictures saying, ‘What happened to her ass? It’s a bag of cheese.’ I would just like to say it’s a fine triple crème brie! Right when they zoom in I should have a tattoo on my ass that says, ‘You wish you could get a bite of this.’”

Thank the fuck I’m not fancy and don’t eat fancy cheese, because I’d think of sticking my tongue in Sharon Stone’s ass every time I stuck my tongue in a piece of fine triple crème brie. Now if Sharon said her ass was like a jar of Tostitos queso, I’d be fucked. Eh, I’d eat it anyway.

You Can Now Buy Rubber Molds Of Backdoor Farrah’s Down Low Parts

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Last year, some of us were rushed to the ER for third degree burns to our ear tunnels when we poured hot Clorox into our ear holes hoping to cleanse our brains of the image of Backdoor Farrah getting her cooze and b-hole molded. Well, call the ER and tell them to get that burn kit ready again, because hot Clorox might make another appearance in your ear holes thanks to these pictures of Backdoor Farrah posing with rubber molds of her twat and ass at the launch party for her line of sex toys at 340 restaurant & nightclub in Pomona, CA on Saturday night. (Dear Pomona, CA, How could you take part in this foolery? I thought I knew you! Actually, I do know you, which is why I shouldn’t be surprised by this.)

Z-list porn star, mother of the century, Christian author and frozen yogurt mogul Farrah Abraham shoved her Nerf ball chichis into The Slut Dress’ sluttier second cousin and a stuck a pair of factory-defected polyester clip-on bangs into her hair to show off the rubber mold of the pussy that got her 15 seconds of fame after she pulled a baby out of it and got her another 15 seconds of fame when James Deen stuck his semi-soft peen in it. The words “NOT TRUE TO THE REAL THING” should be on the box of Backdoor Farrah’s rubber box, because when I watched her porn and stared deep into her wide set vagina, I swear I saw a senator’s daughter clutching onto a bottle of lotion. I didn’t see that in the rubber mold of Farrah’s poon. Farrah should sue. Actually, she’ll probably sue anyway after she claims that the sex toys were supposed to be used for her personal use only and she feels violated that they were released to the public without her permission!

Here’s Backdoor Farrah delivering massive amounts of class, grace and sophistication while showing off the rubber molds of her b-hole and v-hole. Being the entrepreneur that she is, I’m sure she’ll do a cross promotion with Froco and soon you’ll be able to buy a mold of her rubber vagina that squirts out frozen yogurt. And it’s your lucky day if your wet dream fantasies involve a Muppet pony licking on a rubber snatch.

Pics: Splash

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Night Crumbs

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Duchess Kate might have another adorable benefits scrounger growing in her uterus, which means there’s a chance that another living thing will get to call Prince Hot Gingeuncle.” I hate it already - Lainey Gossip

Cry For Me: It’s Hard Being A Millionaire In NYC by Kelly CutroneCelebitchy

Kate Moss’ 16-year-old sister is a Calvin Klein model now and her facial expression, which says “brain dead patient in an open-eyed coma,” tells me that she fits right in! – Drunken Stepfather

Lindsay Lohan takes the perfect swimsuit picture for her profile on RaggedyAndBeatDiscountEscorts.com – Drunken Stepfather

Kanye West treats his personal plastic mannequin like his personal plastic mannequin – Reality Tea

Expect One Million Moms to shit out a 45-minute long video on YouTube about how the gay agenda killed Archie (and you know Veronica is pissed that Archie didn’t get shot while saving her ass) – Towleroad

Hilary Duff shot a music video in a bikini and that’s nice and everything but I thought she retired from music and was devoting all of her time to walking to her car in front of the paps – The Superficial

Uncle Terry shot an entire issue of Playboy and I’m shocked that it took this long for that to happen – WWTDD

Tim Howard’s tattooed nipples on Adweek – Popsugar

Who cares if grade A Brangeloonie Ann Curry is being considered for The View. I want to know more about BERNADETTE FUCKING PETERS joining that coop of crazies – Jezebel

When MiserAlba walks in a bikini, it looks like her left thigh’s got a side butt - Hollywood Tuna

I see that Normal Guy Dave extended his contract and what in TJ Maxx diarrhea hell is on Brit Brit’s body and hooves this time? – ICYDK

Some German footballer’s got a boner that can kick a ball into my goal anytime - OMG Blog

President Obama and a funny BBQ joint cashier bump fists and I’m pretty sure two men fisting is illegal in Texas – Boy Culture

Um, where’s the peen? I bet Justin Bieber hears that a lot, actually – IDLYITW

Natalie Portman’s beautiful love affair with the paps continue – Popoholic

Babies must taste like bacon. Exhibit: A – The Berry

Tater Head went blonde – HuffPo

Peter Felchanelly’s sad, depressed titties could use some Valerian – Just Jared

Times must not be that tough for Sarah Michelle Gellar, because that’s the fanciest lemonade stand I’ve ever seen. Glasses made of glass and everything – SOW

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Open Post: Hosted By Weird Al Yankovic’s Video For “Tacky”

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

‘Weird Al’ Yankovic has released the first of 8 new music videos this morning, starting with his parody of Pharrell William’s “Happy” called “Tacky”. Finally, the Kardashians have a theme song!

For those of you who would rather take a rusty ice pick to the ear drum than hear that “dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-snare” at the beginning of “Happy” one more goddamn time, I sincerely apologize. But look on the bright side – at least it’s not a “Let It Go” parody called “Knead The Dough” (just like that, I jinxed the world and “Knead The Dough” will go triple-platinum and we’ll all be frantically fighting over ice picks during the Black Friday sale at Rusty Tool Warehouse). Well, Weird Al must have heard your silent prayers, because the video for “Tacky” is enjoyable even if you hit the mute button. It looks sort of like if the present-day sale section of Urban Outfitters fucked a 1995 Spring Break singles night for middle-aged Daytona Beach divorcees in an abandoned factory on top of a pile of tainted Fruit Stripe gum. Not to mention that Jack Black, Aisha Tyler, Eric Stonestreet, Margaret Cho, and Kristen Schaal all look like they’re trying to do their best impression of Rita from Arrested Development crossed with an overly-enthusiastic background actor from Miami Vice. It’s beautiful.

My only critique of “Tacky” is that it didn’t feature anyone who I would consider truly tacky, but I guess if I really wanted to see tacky set to music that badly, I could buy tickets to the “On The Run” tour and watch Beyoncé pimp out her home movies.

Because a video that autoplays is the definition of tacky (always a stickler for the details, that Weird Al), I’ve hidden the video for “Tacky” after the cut. Continue reading

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Conor Oberst’s Rape Accuser Takes It All Back And Apologizes

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Last year, a woman named Joanie Faircloth anonymously claimed in the comment section of a story on xoJane that Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes raped her after a show in 2003 when she was a teenager. Joanie later told the whole story on Tumblr and it was picked up by everyone and Conor got the RAPIST!!!! label stamped onto his forehead. Conor immediately said Joanie was spitting out lies and her bullshit fraudulent story was an insult to real victims of rape. Conor filed a $1.2 million lawsuit against Joanie and demanded that she admit her story was made of pure fiction. Conor’s  lawyers spent 7 months trying to contact Joanie and they didn’t hear a thing from her until she gave them a notarized statement where she admitted that he never raped her and she did it for attention. Um, sticking a lit sparkler in your b-hole before doing naked cartwheels down the street is the correct way to get attention. Falsely accusing someone of rape is not the correct way to get attention.

Conor’s publicist gave Buzzed her statement:

“The statements I made and repeated online and elsewhere over the past six months accusing Conor Oberst of raping me are 100% false. I made up those lies about him to get attention while I was going through a difficult period in my life and trying to cope with my son’s illness. I publicly retract my statements about Conor Oberst, and sincerely apologize to him, his family, and his fans for writing such awful things about him. I realize that my actions were wrong and could undermine the claims of actual sexual assault victims and for that I also apologize. I’m truly sorry for all the pain that I caused.”

While Joanie was hoping that everyone would forget about her calling Conor a rapist and it would all just go away, his publishing company didn’t pick up a $200,000 option and he says it’s because of the rape accusation. Conor’s father and business manager said that he got the best reviews of his career for his latest album, but it still sold a lot less than his previous albums, because nobody wants to buy an album from a rapist (Well, except for Lady CaCa. She’ll not only buy a rapist’s album. She’ll work with one too!).

So that’s sort of that, I guess. Joanie has earned a place at the top of the VIP list in HELL and Conor is vindicated, so Uncle Terry and R. Kelly will stop calling him to ask him if he wants to collaborate on a “project” together.

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Cheryl Cole Married Her Piece Of 3 Months

July 14, 2014 / Posted by:

British pop star, current X-Factor UK judge, fired X-Factor US judge and Derek Hough’s former trial period beard, Cheryl Cole, is still putting the PhD in Good Decisions she earned from the University of Smart Thinking to good use. Cheryl Cole’s last marriage finally ended after her then husband Ashley Cole found it impossible to not stick his nomad dick in a vagina that wasn’t attached to his wife’s body. Ashley Cole kept dipping his dick in side piece after side piece and Cheryl Cole kept running back to him until she woke up one day and smelled the random snatch juice on his wandering peen. Since Cheryl Cole’s first marriage was a real shit show, she decided to give marriage another try and she’s decided to make a French playboy she met for the first time at a club in April her second husband. Maybe this is a viral marketing stunt for he song “Crazy Stupid Love“?

31-year-old Cheryl wrote on her website yesterday that she married her 33-year-old French boyfriend of 3 months Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini (You know bitch had to ask him three times how to spell his first name) on a beach in Mustique.

I USUALLY DO NOT DISCUSS MY PERSONAL LIFE BUT TO STOP THE SPECULATION I WANT TO SHARE MY HAPPY NEWS… JEAN-BERNARD AND I MARRIED ON 7/7/14.. ️ WE ARE VERY HAPPY AND EXCITED TO MOVE FORWARD WITH OUR LIVES TOGETHER..

Cheryl also posted a picture of the ring that Jean-Bernard probably bought at the finest Claire’s in France.

cherylcoleweddingring2014

The Daily Mail says that Jean-Bernard is a “hard-partying” French playboy who lives on the Riviera and also has a home in the Caribbean. Jean-Bernard comes from a really rich family and he studied business at NYU. He runs a club and restaurant in the South of France and The New York Times once said he was part of a group of  ”‘Eurotrash’ et-setters who had lots of money and just as much free time to enjoy it.”

So a millionaire British pop star with dry queefs for brains gets wooed by a sleazy and smarmy French playboy whose trust fund is bigger than the cellar of champagne he bathes in when he does bathe? Why would I not be surprised if Jean-Bernard Fernandez-Versini from the South of France is actually John Bernard Franklin from a poor family in Iowa who now makes his money swindling dumb rich hos in the South of France? Dirty Rotten Scoundrels is real.

Cheryl Cole marrying some dude she met a second ago isn’t even the dumbest thing she’s ever done. That title forever goes to the gigantic tattoo on Cheryl’s ass and back that looks like a bloody fungus that grew out of her butt and that doctors later tried to burn off. That tattoo is also the best decision Cheryl made, because whenever she makes yet another shitty decision, she can always say, “Well, that bad decision I just made wasn’t worse than the fug abomination on my back.

Here’s Cheryl and Jean-Bernard, who kind of looks like a mash-up of  Jared Leto and Michael Lucas, leaving the Chiltern Firehouse in May.

Pics: Instagram, InstagramSplash

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