Birthday Sluts

May 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Robert Pattinson (30)
Debby Ryan (23)
Candice King (29)
Hunter Parrish (29)
Lena Dunham (30)
Mickey Madden (37)
Samantha Morton (39)
Pusha T (39)
Itatí Cantoral (41)
Brian Geraghty (41)
Tommy Gunn (49)
Alison Goldfrapp (50)
Darius Rucker (50)
Stephen Colbert (52)
Dennis Rodman (55)
Alan Ball (59)
John Kasich (64)
Stevie Wonder (66)
Zoe Wanamaker (67)
Sam Anderson (71)
Armistead Maupin (72)
Harvey Keitel (77)
Beatrice Arthur (immortal angel)

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Night Crumbs

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Matt Boner was on Good Morning America today to promote The Nice Guys (which strangely enough isn’t a biopic about that restaurant in L.A. every famous person goes to) and he showed up dressed like the biggest preppy in the class of 1987. And yes, I’m into it – Lainey Gossip 

If Bella Thorne wears one more day-shift lot lizard outfit, she’ll officially become one of my favorite fashion icons – Drunken Stepfather

Speaking of day-shift lot lizard glamour, Charlotte McKinney is giving me some – The Superficial 

The reboot of Bennifer 2.0 might not happen after all – Celebitchy

When you open up a package of Fit Tea, does the number to a plastic surgeon fall out? – Reality Tea 

Terry Gilliam is going to try to make a Don Quixote movie again – Pajiba

The trailer for Assassin’s Creed starring Michael Fassbender is here and I can already hear you saying, “I’d let him assassinate my ass with that dick.” – Towleroad

Kate Beckinsale looks like she’s wearing a costume from Big Business and I love it – Popoholic

It’s a glorious day for Stana Katic, because Castle got demolished by ABC – SOW

Agent Carter got canned too – Just Jared 

And this one hurts, Nashville got throw onto the cancellation pile as well. I hope the show ends with Juliette getting revenge on all of those bitches by burning the city down! – HuffPo

That’s probably not going to happen since Hayden Panettiere checked back into a treatment center for postpartum depression – Popsugar

Bella Hadid walked the red carpet at Cannes for some reason – Hollywood Tuna  

John Legend tells Chrissy Teigen’s mommy shamers to shame him too – Starcasm

And now let’s end with some nalgas – Boy Culture

Pic: Splash

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So, This Is What Fox Did To “Rocky Horror Picture Show”

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

When Fox announced that they were doing a two-hour TV remake of Rocky Horror Picture Show, I just knew that they were going to take the classic and scrub out all of the dirty glitter-embedded crotch sweat from it before dipping it in bleach and dressing it up with a thick layer of polished bubblegum. Well, it looks like they did just that. Everybody should start dialing 9-1-1 to report FOX for committing premeditated butchery.

Entertainment Weekly posted the first pictures from Fox’s Rocky Horror, which isn’t live and airs this fall, and it looks more like Rudy Giuliani Presents Rocky Horror Picture Show. Above is Laverne Cox as Dr. Frank-N-Furter, and while I appreciate that they made Frank a ginge, because the world needs more ginges, the hell is that outfit, that wig and that makeup? That conservative ass outfit looks like it was pulled off of a rack at Hot Topic and everything else is too perfect. Laverne looks like she spent a long time in a chair at the MAC store and that wig looks freshly dry cleaned. Frank-N-Furter should look like sparkly shit dragged through a back alley puddle. Laverne looks too perfect. It’s like she’s posing as Frank-N-Furter in an America’s Next Top Model photo shoot. Don’t even get me started on Ben Vereen’s brows looking like felt.

After the cut is Laverne in her full Frank-N-Furter costume, as well as more pictures, and yes, it gets worse.

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Melissa Rivers’ Medical Malpractice Lawsuit Has Been Settled

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Four months after Joan Rivers passed away from complications resulting from losing consciousness and going into cardiac arrest during an endoscopic procedure, her daughter Melissa Rivers lawyered up and sued the clinic where it all went down. According to the lawsuit, Melissa accused Yorkville Endoscopy and Dr. Gwen Korovin (the doctor who was working on her) of being beyond unprofessional – like taking a selfie with Joan while she was under – and slapped at them for being the kind of incompetent that caused her mother to end up in the ICU.

I know pretty much nothing about situations involving lawyers, lawsuits, money, famous people, and hospitals, so I just assumed this had the potential to get especially messy. But apparently it didn’t. TMZ says that Melissa has settled her malpractice lawsuit with Yorkville Endoscopy, and she did it fast. According to TMZ, it never even reached the deposition stage. Melissa released this statement regarding the settlement:

“In accepting this settlement, I am able to put the legal aspects of my mother’s death behind me and ensure that those culpable for her death have accepted responsibility for their actions quickly and without equivocation. Moving forward, my focus will be to ensure that no one ever has to go through what my mother, Cooper and I went through and I will work towards ensuring higher safety standards in out-patient surgical clinics.”

And while you’re at it, can you make sure those tacky bitches also stop taking selfies with knocked-out people?” whispered Joan’s ghost.

It’s not known how much money Yorkville Endoscopy will be stuffing into Melissa’s pockets, but a source hinted to TMZ that it’s somewhere in the 8-figures range. I’m hoping that’s on the higher end of 8-figures, like $90 million as opposed to a measly $10 million. That way, Melissa will have enough money to fight the good fight and be the Erin Brockovitch of the outpatient medical clinic world, and still have enough left over to start a foundation for underprivileged lapdogs. You know, to cover the cost of diamond doggy collars and weekly pawdicures. All lapdogs should be able to experience a life as glamorous as Joan’s dogs did. It’s what Joan would want.

Pic: Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By The Gronk’s Ass In GQ

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Everybody’s favorite (or maybe it’s just me) lovable muscled-up bag of douche water Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots took off his “It Ain’t Going To Suck Itself” underwear for one of the bro-iest bro photo shoots that GQ has probably ever seen. If The Situation from Jersey Shore and a Jäger shot floating in a sorority girl’s belly button art directed a photo shoot together, it would look a lot like the frat-tastic shoot that The Gronk and model Hailey Clauson did for GQ. I’m not complaining, though, because they gave us some Gronk ass.

And I’m going to choose to believe that in the picture above, Hailey Clauson looks like she’s about to fall into a coma because she’s so stunned by The Gronk’s magnificent Gronkaconda. Dick so big that it’ll make you pass out at first sight. Yeah, that must be it.

Pics: Peggy Sirota/GQ

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At Least Someone Is Having Fun At Cannes

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

While the cast of Cafe Society is nervously crossing their fingers and hoping that nobody else asks about or makes any jokes about Woody Allen’s alleged gross ways, the cast of Money Monster is apparently having a great time at Cannes. Or maybe they’re just happy that the worst thing they have to deal with are sort-of “Mehreviews. Yesterday, Julia Roberts and George Clooney were caught giggling their asses off at the Money Monster photocall, and today they were doing the same thing at the premiere.

Whatever airline Julia flew to France on clearly lost her bag containing all her fucks, because didn’t have a single one. She was cackling and clinging onto Clooney for stability like she had just hit up the deux-pour-un champagne happy hour at the hotel. About halfway up the red carpet, she kicked off her heels and walked the rest of it barefoot. I guess what I’m trying to say is, Julia knows how to do Cannes right. Even though Julia and George make the cutest couple on the red carpet, she wasn’t actually his date. That honor goes to Amal Clooney, of course, who wore what looks like a dead-ringer for the most expensive gown in the bridesmaid section of David’s Bridal.

69th Cannes Film Festival - 'Money Monster’ - Premiere

I don’t know what George and Amal are looking at, but based on Amal’s ‘restrained horror’ face, I’m going to assume it’s the moment Julia whipped off her shoes. “How frightfully horrible. George, tell that woman to put her footwear back on before I report her to the proper authorities and she’s escorted off the property.

Here’s more from the Money Monster premiere. I’ve also included some pictures of Susan Sarandon, who isn’t in the movie, but looks really good. According to me, at least. Piers Morgan, on the other hand, is probably on the ground unconscious after clutching his pearls so hard he cut off the circulation to his head.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kendra Wilkinson Claims That Holly Madison Was Hef’s “Clean-Up Girl”

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Since Holly Madison is peddling a new book called The Vegas Diaries, she is once again going on about how being a member of Hugh Hefner’s harem of rotating plastic blondes killed her inside and that she was constantly living in fear because of competition with the other hos. Holly’s face is on the cover of this week’s People under the words, “I Was Living in Fear,” and well, her arch rival Kendra Wilkinson had something to say about it. And thanks to Kendra, the walls of my nightmares will be covered with new images.

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Stunt Queen Kelly Ripa Strikes Again!

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Today is the second-to-last day that Kelly Ripa and Michael Strahan have to sit next to each other on Live! and pretend that they don’t completely despise each other with every fiber of their being. Michael’s last day as the Michael of Live! With Kelly and Michael is technically tomorrow, but Kelly was clearly too excited and decided to celebrate his final show a little early. Kelly took a page from her own Stunt Queen 101 book and celebrated by leaving house wearing a jacket with the word “Freedom” written across the back.

Hmmm…whatever could Kelly Ripa’s “Freedom” jacket mean? The message is just too subtle. Maybe tomorrow morning she’ll make it just a teensy bit more obvious by dancing out of her house to Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration” while wearing a t-shirt that says “ADIOS, GAPPY!” in huge glitter letters.

As for what will happen on Michael’s last day, TMZ says that it will be pretty low-key. They’re basically doing a clip show of his 4 years as co-host, and the guests will be Carmelo Anthony and Matt Bomer. But if it ends up being half as awkward as today’s show was, then I’d say now is the time to plan on calling in sick so you can stay at home and watch the trainwreck in real time.

According to E!, Kelly and Michael really brought the restrained hate this morning. After noticing a woman in the audience wearing a graduation cap, they asked what she graduated from. She told them she had just gotten a degree in Journalism and Media Studies, to which Kelly joked “Perfect! Just in the nick of time.” Michael, who clearly does not give a fuck anymore, added “Don’t let this show scare you away from your dreams.

Oh boy, who even knows what kind of messy stops they’ll pull out for Michael’s last day. I know they won’t, but what I’d really like to see is Kelly and Michael doing a Mystery Science Theater 3000 thing where they talk about how much they secretly hated each other while watching Michael’s montage. “Oh my god, I remember that day! I tripped on my way out and you laughed. You know what? I’m really really not going to miss you.

Pic: Splash

This Is What Can Happen When “White Stuff Gets Inside The Vaginal Pocket”

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

31-year-old Nev Schulman, one half of the Catfish duo, announced to the world yesterday that he’s going to be a daddy, and his 30-year-old girlfriend Laura Perlongo announced in detail how they found out. Laura, who’s in advertising, wrote a long ass piece on Attn about how she was stoned on a weed gummy when she found out that a Catfish fetus is growing in her body. So many famous types get their spokeswhore to spit out a generic statement about how they’re “over the moon” (yes, my finger tips hurt from typing that), but Laura and Nev didn’t do that.

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Katy Perry Has Sort-Of Commented On Those Pictures Of Orlando Bloom And Selena Gomez

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Maybe it’s because I always have Waiting to Exhale on the brain, but when those pictures of Orlando Bloom snuggling up on Selena Gomez in a booth at a Las Vegas club hit the internet earlier this week, I expected Katy Perry to Instagram a video of herself in Orlando, Florida tossing a lit match onto a rental car filled with his clothes. But she didn’t do that. I’m guessing because Jeremy Scott couldn’t get the cartoon flames right on her scorned woman costume. Instead, she waited until last night and kept it vague-ish by tweeting a link to Peggy Lee’s “Is That All There Is?

Just for some context, the third verse of “Is That All There Is?” is about a woman who falls in love with a guy and they go on long walks and shit. And then one day he up and leaves, and she thinks she’s going to be super bummed about it, but she just sort of shrugs. For once I can say “How very subtle of you” and actually mean it. Or maybe this is just the beginning, and a Lemonade-style tell-all album called Perryer is coming later.

Selena Gomez, meanwhile, would like you to know that she has been dating, but won’t say who, because that’s personal!

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