Rosie Perez has always been my favorite Rosie because she perfectly played an exquisitely tacky gold digger in It Could Happen To You, so when I read on Deadline yesterday that she’s moving into the pecking hen coop on The View, I thought to myself, “Well, I’ll always have ‘Why don’t you just give her ALL the money?‘”
Because if The View is good at one thing, it’s good at completely ruining your favorites. Deadline reported yesterday that, as excepted, Republican strategist, political commentator and l-hoarder Nicolle Wallace (aka “the kindler, gentler, smarter and more pleasant Elisabeth Hasselcrack,” which isn’t saying much since a urethra wart is more pleasant that Hasselcrack) is joining Whoopi and Rosie O’Donnell at the round battlefield. It was rumored that the fourth spot was going to football wife October Gonzalez, but apparently ABC didn’t think she was experienced enough. So the job went to Rosie Perez and her D’s, motherfucker, D’s. Continue reading »
Behind the scenes of the Tom Cruise girlfriend try-outs – pixiebitch
Children of the Porn. – islandgirl
via Uber Humor
The Rubenesque bathing beauty who turned yesterday’s boring afternoon Dodgers game into a Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition photo shoot spectacular!
Yesterday, the fans at Dodger Stadium were more than pleasantly surprised when they found out that their price of admission also bought them a ticket to a live bathing beauty show starring a voluptuous Adonis in hiked up black shorty shorts. This reincarnation of a Peter Paul Rubens muse laid all of his pure, raw sex on the stands and as the sun jizzed all over him rays of unfiltered sensuality shot off of his body. This is when attention whoring goes right! Clean-up crews are still using wet vacs to suck up all the gallons of panty pudding that flooded the field.
These pictures prove that nobody needs to hack into THE CLOUD for fap material. Fap material proudly and openly presents itself in the stands at Dodger Stadium. This American hero is serving up more tits than all of those hacked naked celebrity pictures combined. Also, Hollywood chicks and stylists need to pull up a front row seat in the classroom and take note, because this is how the side boob is really done. Dude is giving you so much side chichi that it also looks like he’s giving you side ass too. You know you want to motorboat his armpit.
Fun fact: Six seconds after the picture above was taken, a third X appeared on that can of Dos Equis, because it wanted to properly pay tribute to the definition of sexxx next to it.
Mark Ronson (39)
Carter Jenkins (23)
Hank Baskett (32)
Whitney Cummings (32)
Max Greenfield (34)
Wes Bentley (36)
Lucie Silvas (37)
Dave Salmoni (39)
Carmit Bachar (40)
Jason David Frank (41)
Carlos Ponce (42)
Ione Skye (44)
Mike Piazza (46)
Damon Wayans (54)
Dr. Drew Pinsky (56)
Khandi Alexander (57)
Judith Ivey (63)
Mitzi Gaynor (83)
Johnny Depp presented Iggy Pop with some award at last night’s GQ Men of the Year Awards. At least I think that’s Johnny Depp and Iggy Pop, but it could very well be Zombie KD Lang and Zombie Jennifer Aniston and yes, I still would – Lainey Gossip
Kim Kartrashian got naked for GQ because they’re the one magazine she hasn’t gotten naked for yet (I think) and damn her face looks like a factory-defected Michael Jackson mask covered in bronze car paint – The Superficial
The Prostate Cancer Foundation doesn’t want Reddit’s fap money – WWTDD
In case you’re wondering if Chloe “With An Umlaut” Sevigny is still a pretentious hipster cliche, she is! – Celebitchy
Um, shouldn’t Sophia be the one homeschooling Backdoor Farrah? – Reality Tea
And The Jackson Family will try to get Adam Levine to record a “brand new, never-before-heard” Michael Jackson album in 3..2… – Towleroad
If you listen real closely while looking at this picture of Lea Michele on a balcony, you can almost hear a dolphin in the distance screaming, “Just stooooooop!” – Drunken Stepfather
Benedict got Benedrunk at the GQ Men of the Year Awards – Pajiba
Because it’s been approximately 15 long seconds since RiRi has gone on a bikini vacation, she went on a bikini vacation – Hollywood Tuna
In other words, Mindy Kaling doesn’t want to write about abortion – Jezebel
Something that might make the charred veins in your dead heart throb just a bit: a partially deaf baby hears for the first time – The Berry
Cameron Diaz’s birthday party looked like torturous hell on earth and mostly because Goopy Paltrow was there – Popsugar
Normal Guy Dave is trying to get his job as Brit Brit’s “boyfriend” back – ICYDK
Taylor Swift’s shoes look like black licorce and that’s all I’ve got – Popoholic
For the sake of everyone, including Will Smith, involved in this weird Segway dance at Burning Man, I hope they’re on some serious mind-altering shit. But you know, if you replaced those chicks with topless dudes in alien masks, it would look exactly like a Scientology retreat – Gawker
Nick Cannon wrote a lot of words about his dying marriage to the Hello Kitty Unicorn Butterfly Queen – SOW
Next year, Ricky Martin will be singing “She burps! She burps!” while burping his newborn daughter – Just Jared
Brittany Murphy’s dad must be new here – HuffPo
Here’s Idris Elba shooting a running scene on the London set of the movie A Hundred Streets and yes, I’ve already glued my eyeballs to my monitor and I didn’t see a trace of a mic cord or his supposed Loch Ness Crotch Monster. But wait, to the right, is that it? Maybe it sniffed out a mouse running below, came out of its hiding place, made a sharp right turn down Idris’ left leg and is going after it.
What we really need is Justin Theroux running next to him. One look at Justin Theroux’s “family of fat hamsters cuddling in a hammock” bulge and Idris’ bulge would come out, because it wouldn’t want to be shown up like that. It’d be a bulge-off.
Sometimes when I come home really drunk, I sit under the shower with my tongue sticking out because I figure that I should wash the skank off of me (“You can’t wash that off, bitch. It’s permanent” – you) while getting some non-booze liquid in my body. I look like that wet pussy above, basically.
But really, the hell is that pussy doing and the hell kind of drugs is that pussy on? If that cat is trying to drink water, she’s doing it wrong. If that cat is trying to do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, she’s doing it wrong. If that cat is trying to re-enact Kelly LeBrock’s shower scene from Weird Science, she’s doing it wrong. If that cat is trying to waterboard herself while getting a tiny drink at the same time, then you know, she’s doing it right.
A few days ago, there were reports that doctors were bringing Joan Rivers out of the medically induced coma they put her in and her family was hoping that she’d wake up and curse all of their bitch asses out for making her wear a hospital gown that wasn’t made by Chanel, lined with fur and embedded with jewels from her QVC collection. But yesterday, Melissa Rivers issued a statement saying that her mom was still on life support and today, she issued another statement on Facebook saying that her mom has been moved out of ICU and into a private room at Mount Sinai Hospital in NYC:
“My mother has been moved out of intensive care and into a private room where she is being kept comfortable. Thank you for your continued support.”
Melissa has kept her lips all the way shut about her mom’s current condition, but a source tells E! that Joan is getting better and all of those reports that claim she’ll soon be wrestling Elizabeth Taylor in the afterworld are not true.
Award show season starts up again in a few months and if Joan isn’t around for it, Fashion Police will be nothing but Ghouliana Rancic, Kelly Osbourne and George Iforgothislastname sitting around while saying to each other, “Well…I thought she looked nice.” So, somebody get Kathy Griffin and tell her to return the favor and slap Joan awake.
TMZ says that after a 21-day separation, Ciara and Future (seen here looking like a low-budget Kim and Kanye, which might be one of the shadiest ways I’ve ever described someone) have decided to take the advice of Al Green and stay together. Well, at least for now. NO! I’m sure they’re soul mates and true love conquers all and keep reaching for that rainbow bla bla bla. But for real, file this under: “future Future mistakes.”
A source close to Future (the present)(I’ll show myself out for that one) claims that he and Ciara are living together again after calling it quits on their relationship a couple weeks ago. Ciara caught Future with his dick in the cookie jar, so she called off their engagement and kicked his skirt-chasing ass out. Not great timing, considering Ciara had just birthed out a kid with Future, Future Zahir, a little over three months ago. But they’ve decided to give it another shot for the sake of Baby Future II. Because if there’s anything a baby wants, it’s two drama-loving tricks who can’t stop sticking their dicks in side pieces and throwing each other out of the house. What am I saying? Baby Back To The Future II doesn’t care – he’s too busy learning what toes are and catching up with all the hot undersea gossip from the seahorse in his Ocean Wonders Aquarium.
The source also claims Ciara believes Future is a good father (he should be; bitch has had enough practice), but she wasn’t interested in a “co-parenting” situation, so she called his ass home so they could raise Baby Back To The Future II together. Cut to the future when Future gets caught trying to co-penis with another random pussy. You know what they say – our past dictates our future, and Future’s past says Future’s penis needs to roam free!
One snot bubble of a non-apology wasn’t enough for CeeLo Green, so he snorted out a second snot bubble of a non-apology.
The chunky Ghoulie found himself neck deep in a whole lot of cold shit the other day when he told his Twitter followers that it’s not rape if the person is unconscious and doesn’t remember it happening. Those diarrhea-embedded tweets came out of CeeLo after he pleaded “no contest” to one felony count of furnishing a controlled substance. The woman he drugged claims he also raped her, but he’s always denied that. The day after CeeLo schooled everyone on the definition of rape, TBS canceled his reality show The Good Life and a source claims that the cancellation has nothing to do with the smegma he spewed and they had already planned to throw his show in a grave before he said that shit. Sure they did.
After his show was killed, the diabolical bowling bowl once again went into damage control mode and tried to tweet another apology, but this “sorry, not sorry” pile of vomit came out instead:
“Comments attributed to me on Twitter…” That’s a new one. Wait, is that CeeLo’s way of saying that he doesn’t remember tweeting that shit? Well then, those tweets never happened and let’s all move along. Because dumbasses who tweet stupid crap about rape REMEMBER.