Yesterday, many of us said to ourselves, “I don’t remember dropping acid for lunch,” when it was announced that Joseph Fiennes is playing Michael Jackson in a British TV dramedy about a rumored road trip that La Toya’s brother took with Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando after the 9/11 attacks. Stockard Channing is playing La Liz and Brian Cox is playing Brando and that seems about right, so brains spit out a question mark over Shakespeare playing MJ. I mean, the nose is all wrong.
Joseph Fiennes is out promoting some movie and Entertainment Tonight asked him about this fuckery. They also brought up how some people think it’s wrong that he, a white dude is playing Michael Jackson. Joseph had the same explanation a lot of people had, which is, “MJ was white!”
“I’m a white, middle-class guy from London. I’m as shocked as you may be.
[Jackson] definitely had an issue — a pigmentation issue — and that’s something I do believe. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. He was probably closer to my color than his original color. It’s a light comedy look. It’s not in any way malicious. It’s actually endearing.
It’s kind of off the wall, but the writing is a delight, and the kind of interaction between the three of them is funny, and also full of pathos. It’s people who are so iconic, but also can be detached. You know, you can get detached from society. So it’s examining that kind of wonderful and mad detachment.”
What the makers of this future peyote-infused train wreck should’ve done is just cast Tilda Swinton as all the roles. When you’re unsure, just cast alien nymph Tilda Swinton.
I was going to file this under “A Check Is A Check,” but that muscled-up dork in a leather vest looks so naturally excited about Street Sharks that he’d probably peddle them for free.
The Internet pulled out this clip from 1994 of a 27-year-old Vin Diesel getting a nerd boner while hyping up Street Sharks at a toy fair. Vin already won my love by looking like he’s going to meet his bros at Rawhide afterward, but he really got me with his selling skills:
And I love the way he described Boomer as being a “round mound of pound” who has the “biggest mouth of them all” and loves to “tenderize.” Does anybody have Boomer’s Grindr name?
Last October, Oprah reached into her cleavage and pulled out a measly $43.2 million to buy a 10% stake (around 6.4 million shares) in Weight Watchers. As part of the deal, she became the new face of Weight Watchers. As Oprah’s already obese bank accounts get fatter, she says that she’s getting skinnier thanks to WW.
If I was a multi-billionaire like The Mighty O, I’d just stay fat and spend my days watching the full cast of Showgirls perform the movie live and in front of me as my trophy husbands, Alexander Skarsgard and Idris Elba, fed me freshly made Double-Doubles from the In-N-Out in my basement. But Oprah claims she’s doing the WW program and yesterday she said in a tweet that she’s lost 26 pounds so far and she’s done it while eating bread every day. OPRAH. LOVES. BREAD.
— Oprah Winfrey (@Oprah) January 26, 2016
I wasn’t really impressed by that tweet because I’m sure she instantly loses 26 pounds when she takes off her casual daytime diamonds before bedtime. But Oprah’s words are still so powerful that she can tweet about eating bread and make $12.5 million after doing so. Market Watch says that after that bread-loving tweet went up at 12:09pm EST, Weight Watchers’ stock jumped up to 20 percent over the course of one hour. The stock was at $11.35 a share before her tweet and it ended at $13.29 a share. The Mighty O made $12.5 million in one hour. Of course the stock is going to drop, so expect Oprah to bring it back up in a couple of days by tweeting about how she lost 27 pounds while eating cake. Two days after that, she’ll bring up the stock more by tweeting about how she lost 28 pounds while eating pizza. And after she runs out of food to tweet about, she’ll just post that bees GIF and I’m sure that’ll make the stock jump up 40%.
When Oprah tweets about her love of bread, she makes $12 million. When I tweet about my love of bread, my mom e-mails me a copy of the flat belly diet. Life, it isn’t fair.
When God’s god Kanye West announced that he has changed the title of his new album from Swish to Waves, many didn’t like it because “swish” is the sound that a toilet makes when it flushes and that seemed more fitting. Wiz Khalifa also wasn’t happy about Kanye naming his album Waves, because according to the tattooed scarecrow, the words “wave” and “wavy” belong to rapper Max B. I guess you could say that Waves caused waves. I know, I know….
Kanye tweeted “all respect” to Max B when he announced his new album title, but Wiz still wasn’t into it. Wiz told Kanye that he needs to go back to Swish and “hit this KK and become yourself.” Wiz wasn’t talking about Kim Kartrashian when he typed KK, he was talking about his own strain of weed called Khalifa Kush. That tweet still set Kanye off and he went after a trick.
Kanye handed his black unicorn pelt Givenchy fanny pack to North West, pulled off his $2000 army bomber jacket (you know, the one you can get for $35 at the army surplus store) and asked Riccardo Tisci to hand him a bottle of lube before he greased up his face and stepped into the ring. Kanye’s MacBook Air (or whatever he’s using now) is probably lying on a table in the morgue section of the Genius Bar, because he pounded the shit out of it while throwing poetic tweets at Wiz. Many of Kanye’s tweets (which he deleted) are after the cut. Warning: You will overdose on Vitamin D (for delusion) while reading them:
So many tricks on the red carpet stand there like a hungry and half-comatose zombie and earn themselves an F- in pose game. But Catherine Zeta-Jones always gets it and at the London premiere of some movie called Daddy’s Army (which sounds like the name of Kevin Spacey’s favorite military-themed gay porn) she delivered chichis and leg in front of photographers. Bitch worked it like an overachieving 2nd year Barbizon student trying to get an A in posing on her finals. (Side note: We actually didn’t have finals at Barbizon, but if we did, I would’ve been held back.) You can almost hear CZJ say, “Eat it, St. Angie,” as she sticks out her fame whoring leg and makes the most out of that knock-off Jessica McClintock bridesmaid dress. The wind even tried to trip her up by almost exposing her cancer-dispensing coochie to the world, but she was not having it this time. Show them, CZJ!
RiRi’s first album in 3 years ANTI has been the Great Pumpkin to her fans’ Linus van Pelt. RiRi’s fans have been sitting in the patch with their thumbs in their mouth holes waiting forever for her new album to show up. It’s been a year since she put out that campfire sing-a-long shit FourFiveSeconds (featuring WILSON FUCKING PHILLIPS and some others) and everyone thought that was supposed to be the official single of her album. But when the song went nowhere, she was like, “Errr, PSYCH, that’s not the single,” and it took us fourfive seconds to forget about it. RiRi followed that up with Bitch Better Have My Money (complete with a video featuring a tied up Hannibal) and American Oxygen. RiRi kept releasing songs but the full album was nowhere to be seen.
Just when everyone was beginning to think that ANTI is the Chateau Sheree of albums and is never going to be finished, Billboard reported last night that it will come out this week. And early this morning, RiRi hoped that fourth time’s a charm when she released her album’s “first official single” Work. Work swept up on the shore through Tidal where it was exclusive for about 2 seconds before it ended up everywhere and was eventually released on iTunes.
On Work, RiRi speaks in Patois and Wheelchair Jimmy wheels in to sing on it. I’ve only listened to the song twice, but it’s so repetitive that “work work work work work” is already stuck inside of my brain and that’s a confusing message for my naturally lazy self since all I want to do is nap nap nap nap nap.
And that radio announcer should be jailed for using the words “pop emergency.” The only time those words should be used is when Stacey Q, Hoku, Cece Penniston, Martika and Samantha Fox form a pop supergroup.
I remember when I discovered the vibrate function on my cell phone, too – Penny Grigio
…my phone screen has a crack on it. – 38chrysler
If you were a kid of the late 80s who wasn’t refined or sophisticated enough for Designer Imposter fragrances and you were too carefree and natural for Exclamation and way too much of a grown adult for Electric Youth, you went to the drugstore and bought Malibu Musk body spray! Malibu Musk came out in 1989 and it was made by the same makers as Designer Imposters so everyone knew it had to be the highest of quality.
Today, Malibu smells like exhaust from all the damn traffic on PCH, burnt Botox and fear from the people who know that Caitlyn Jenner’s drivers license is still valid and she’s still on the loose. But in 1989 and the early 90s, Malibu smelled like sunshine and freshness! Actually I remember it smelling like hairspray and rotten fruit dipped in sugar.
And the song in the commercial….
If you want to make it funky and smell like something crazy in the air, you can buy a brand new bottle of Malibu Musk on eBay for $35.00. Some people on perfume forums claim they’ve seen Malibu Musk at Walgreens. I’ve never seen it. If I do ever see it at Rite-Aid or whatever, my hair will spiral perm itself, my shirt will turn into an oversized B.U.M. t-shirt and my shoes will transform into British Knights. So I hope I see Malibu Musk at a drugstore one day.
Mikhail Baryshnikov (68)
Daisy Lowe (27)
Lily Donaldson (29)
Rosamund Pike (37)
Jake Pavelka (38)
Josh Randall (44)
Patton Oswalt (47)
Mike Patton (48)
Alan Cumming (51)
Rupert Boneham from Survivor (52)
Bridget Fonda (52)
Narciso Rodriguez (55)
Keith Olbermann (57)
Frank Miller (59)
Mimi Rogers (60)
Nick Mason (72)
John Witherspoon (74)
Steve Wynn (74)
James Cromwell (76)
Mohamed Al-Fayed (87)
Brit Brit Spears posted 3 videos on Instagram of her bringing the sex in a two piece. Brit Brit looks like she’s in heat in those videos and I’m guessing that’s because they covered her in Slim Jim grease and piped her aphrodisiac scents of choice (KFC and Frapps) into the studio – Lainey Gossip
Charlie Hunnam is playing a Mexican drug lord in a movie. To which Charlotte Rampling said, “Perfect casting!” – Celebitchy
Hell hath no fury like Papa Smurf in a business negotiation gone wrong – Reality Tea
Pimp Mama Kris is really slipping, because if one of her hos was going to do a sponsored Instagram post for a toilet company, it should’ve been Kim Kartrashian – Drunken Stepfather
If you squint real hard, you can kind of see Hilary Duff’s nipples – The Superficial
A dude celebrated his 29th birthday by doing 29 death drops all over Manhattan, because why not? – Towleroad
Prepare to prolapse out of SHOCK, TLC wanted Jon Gosselin and Kate Gosselin to stay together for the sake of ratings – Jezebel
When I dance while stoned, I think that I look like this, but I look more like a constipated Elaine Benes – Hollywood Tuna
Josh Gad did “I Touch Myself” as Donald Trump, because I guess that Lip Sync Battle show doesn’t want any of us to have an orgasm again – HuffPo
Someone on the Internet wants Emma Watson to prove that she’s a real feminist by spending a week in a migrant camp – IDLYITW
And now let’s move on from that to ZAC EFRON’S BARE SWAYING ASS! – OMG Blog
Val Kilmer is looking good – SOW
Jane the Virgin is dating Jean-Ralphio from Parks and Rec – Popsugar
At first I thought that Vanessa Hudgens was completely pantless and I just shrugged since she totally would – Popoholic
Rest in peace, Heather the Goat – Just Jared