Blink-182′s Tom DeLonge Thinks The Government Is Watching Him Because He Knows Too Much About Aliens And Coverups
Tom took a break from fighting with the other members of Blink-182 to unload his thoughts about aliens on Paper Magazine. Tom has a website dedicated to exposing the truth, he’s read over 200 books about UFOS and he claims that he knows so much that the government has kept tabs on him by tapping his phone. Tom says that when he fist got into extraterrestrial shit twenty years ago, bitches laughed at him, called him crazy and basically told him to bunk with Shelley DuVall. But he says that more and more people and major organizations are opening their eyes to the truth. The truth IS out there and Tom has seen it.
While the rest of us on the east coast spent last night humping the hottest heat source in our house while wrapped in so many blankets we look like a quilted Jabba the Hutt, silently praying for the sweet hand of death to take us away from this snow-covered hell hole (just me? Ok then), Taylor Swift was attaching a set of walking cane ice picks to the backs of her favorite pair of cold weather kitten heels so she could skip safely down the streets of NYC and meet Kanye West for dinner. Random, thy name is whatever name they gave for the reservation.
According to the NY Daily News, the come-to-life Homecoming Queen Skipper doll and Kim Kardashian’s kurrent krazy husband had dinner together last night at The Spotted Pig. No word on whether or not during their meal he grabbed the fork out of her hand and said “Yo Taylor, Imma let you finish, but…“.
Also no word on what those two even talked about, since I can only imagine how awkward and weird a conversation between those two would be (“Kayne, do you like cats? I sure do. Wanna make some cutesy surprised faces with me?“), but the Daily News seems to think it might have something to do with that time Kanye told wealthy elf Ryan Seacrest that he’d be open to the idea of a collaboration with Taylor. Oh boy, I can see it now: Kanye West ft. Lil’ Butterscotch. I’m sure Tay Tay is searching Etsy for a pair of fug colored contacts as we speak.
And when I pictured Kanye West getting dressed up to have dinner with Taylor Swift, I definitely didn’t imagine he’d settle on lazy Shia LaBeouf drag. Here’s Tay Tay’s newest best friend Kanye-ye leaving his apartment for his dinner date last night:
If this isn’t a Willow Take The Wheel moment, then I don’t know what is. Four months after he was arrested for being a drunk dish-smashing mess at a hotel during a Comic Con in Idaho, TMZ says Nicholas Brendon was arrested for being a drunk room-trashing mess at a hotel during a Comic Con in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Uh…at least he’s consistent?
According to TMZ, the police were called after Nicholas Brendon got next-level drunk at a Hilton in Ft. Lauderdale, proceeded to do $450 worth of damage to his room and skip out on a bill for $350 worth of food and drink charges before falling asleep in a hotel employee’s office. When the cops woke him up, he refused to pay for the damage or the food, so they charged him with felony grand theft.
And the Hilton wasn’t the only bridge Xander from Buffy burned; he also took a swipe at the Shock Pop Comic Con on Twitter (which was later deleted) by saying: “Hey Twatters! I’m stuck in Ft Lauderdale w/no per diem. No hotel. No ride to the airport. Thanks @Shockpopcc“. And as if that wasn’t enough dramatic life drama, TMZ says that days before he was arrested, Nicholas Brendon had quit his wife of 4 months. As for how Xander is doing now, his rep tells TMZ:
“Nicholas is, unfortunately, battling a disease that many of us don’t understand. We are working with him to improve upon the situation at hand and look toward the future. He’s sorry for his actions and takes what happened last night very seriously. We will take great care to ensure his safety in the future.”
I’m thinking maybe part of that ‘great care to ensure his safety in the future’ should probably include not letting him go to Comic Con anymore, because apparently nothing good happens to Nicholas Brendon at Comic Con.
Pic: Broward County Sheriff
Afroman, best known for that “Because I Got High” song found himself in handcuffs yesterday after his face made a BOOM! on the face of a woman who thought it was a good idea to crash the stage without permission and rub her ass against him. Surprisingly, the butt dancing stage crasher wasn’t Miley.
TMZ says that 40-year-old Afroman (born name: Joseph Edgar Foreman) was playing a free show for Mardi Gras at Kress Live in Biloxi, Mississippi yesterday afternoon and during a guitar solo, a fan got on stage and had a butt party on his leg. Afroman wasn’t having it and he hit her into the next zip code. TMZ says that she bled and was crying, but got up by herself and was escorted off by security as Afroman continued on with the show.
Here’s the video of Afroman laying a fan out:
That escalated quickly. I felt that one. That’s a move straight out of Action Bronson’s life manual.
The show was eventually cut off when the cops arrived and arrested Afroman. He was booked for assault and was released last night after paying a $330 bond. Afroman’s rep tells Billboard that the venue barely had any security even though he asks for plenty in his rider, because he’s had problems in the past with fans thinking they have an open invitation to join him onstage. Afroman’s rep also said he didn’t know if the person sneaking up on him was a man or a woman. It was just his slap-a-trick reflex at work:
“This was a completely involuntary reflex reaction to people infringing on his stage space. It was uncharacteristic behavior that was initiated by outside uncontrolled forces.”
I’ve been to several shows where people jump on the stage uninvited to dance and I don’t know if it’s the booze that’s doing the thinking for them, but that’s never a good idea. It might not end well (case in point: this entire story). Going on stage without an invitation to dance is not only a bad idea, but it’s not cute. If the performer wanted a back-up dancer, I’m sure they’d hire one and I’m also sure it wouldn’t be you. With that being said, if this kind of thing always happens to Afroman, why was he surprised when it happened again? He probably should’ve taken some advice from his own lyrics and picked up a joint instead. “I was going to slap that trick but then I got high.”
And I’m waiting to see how NBC is going to use that video to promote The Slap.
Well, that explains it; I always thought something in the slutty milk ain’t clean regarding the rumoured romance between perpetually horny extraterrestrial Rihanna and itchy-looking model-humping human Leonardo DiCaprio. For one thing, I thought it was weird that a creature from such a distinguished line of alien royalty as Princess Ooh-Na-Na would keep repeatedly hooking up with a dude who looks like a 66-year-old hippie’s overgrown nutsack. Also, it was my understanding that Jack Nicholson Jr.’s dick only got hard for sexy blonde panty-wearing praying mantis types.
As it turns out, my slutty suspicions might have been right, because the NY Daily News says that the reason RiRi and Leo have been spotted together so much lately is because Leo is trying to hook her up with one of his best friends, Richie Akiva. A “nightlife insider” (aka what Lindsay Lohan puts down under OCCUPATION when she does her taxes) says that Leo has been acting as Richie’s wingman and explained RiRi’s relationship with Richie as follows:
“If they’re not dating, they’re hanging out, you know?” a prominent nightlife insider tells us with a wink.
“With a wink” – it appears my sassy Great Aunt Gladys has been moonlighting as a ‘prominent nightlife insider’. After she winked, did she then add: “I ain’t tellin’ tales out of school, but those two have been makin’ whoopee all over town!” But I am curious as to what Leo’s wingman game is. Probably some sort of ‘come for the dirtbag, stay for the dude who has a fresh tube of medicated cream’ thing.
And here’s RiRi going to the dentist yesterday dressed like some sort of sexy cold-weather lumberjack Frankenstein, if that’s something you need in your life:
Usher is into some strange bukkake. – Behemoth
Eggs Benedouche – BaconSlut
Pic: Comedy Central
Miss P, the new reigning Queen of Westminster! I don’t know if she’s yawning at the loser bitches beneath her or if she’s saying “YAAAAAAAAASSS” over her win?
I set my DVR to record the Miss Universe of dog shows known as the Westminster Dog Show last night, but it didn’t record for some reason. My DVR probably did me a favor when it heard me scream, “Racist shit heads,” at my monitor earlier in the day when both the long-haired and the short-haired chihuahua didn’t even place in the toy group. It’s never the chihuahua! Patty Hearst’s snobby Shit Zoo won instead. How dreadful. Nepotism even happens at dog shows.
Speaking of nepotism, the top prize went to Miss P from Canada (not to be confused with the other Miss Pee, Kim Kardashian), who is the grandniece of former HSOTD and 2008 Best in Show winner Uno. Uno was the first ever beagle to take the top title, which means that Miss P is the second in history. The New York Times said that Miss P’s win was sort of a surprise. Apparently, not many pegged Miss P as the winner and she wasn’t a fan favorite. Miss P shade, courtesy of The New York Times:
Miss P, who is retiring to motherhood, did not exhibit the palpable charm of Uno, who howled at strategic points when he was judged at Westminster. Miss P is adorable, of course, but lacks the almost overwhelming charisma of her more famous relative, who became the most famous of all Westminster Best in Show winners. She has not met Uno, who lives in retirement in Austin, Tex., and will soon turn 10.
Here’s a few of Miss P’s fancier competitors:
I know, what is Sia doing there? Is there not an event she won’t crash in her white shaggy wig?!
Yes, I wish the chihuahuas would’ve Kanye’d Miss P and took her trophy from her, but I’m still happy she won over those fancier tricks. Fuck the haters, Miss P. Let them sniff on your award-winning asshole.
Cybill Shepard (65)
Jeremy White (24)
Courtney Act (33)
Regina Spektor (35)
Sarah Brown (40)
Jillian Michaels (41)
Molly Ringwald (47)
Tracey E. Edmonds (48)
Dr. Dre (50)
Matt Dillon (51)
Greta Scacchi (55)
Vanna White (58)
John Travolta (61)
Juice Newton (63)
Jess Walton (66)
Sinéad Cusack (67)
Yoko Ono (82)
Milos Forman (83)
Toni Morrison (84)
George Kennedy (90)
Health Warning: Not only is there a chance that Fifty of Shades Grey will put you into a deep coma from the boredom of it all, but there’s also a chance that you might get shanked by a crazed, horny mom who won’t be shushed.
The Telegraph says that during a showing of Fifty Squirts of Mom Jizz at a theater in Glasgow, Scotland on Saturday night, the police had to be called after a fight broke out between a dude and the three women he told to quiet down. Witnesses say that the chicks were making all kind of noises, and when he let them know that they need to turn it all the way down, they went crazy on him and allegedly “glassed” him with a glass bottle. You can get boozed up at that theater, so witnesses believe the women were plastered (duh). The cops arrested the three and charged them with disorderly conduct.
One witness named Michael Bolton (yes, it’s best if you picture thee Michael Bolton) talked to The Telegraph about that mess and proved that he should be a movie critic and crime reporter, because he has a way with words:
“Besides being the worst film I have ever seen, three women were getting arrested and put in a police van when we arrived. A woman came out the theater and said that a guy had been glassed. One woman was in handcuffs and another two women were in tears. She said that three or four girls had been very loud and were shouting. The man had asked them to shut up and he was glassed. It’s a cinema where you can buy drink. Only in Glasgow are police called to the cinema.”
A rep for the police department said that despite reports, the dude wasn’t hit with a bottle and nobody was “glassed.” Nobody was injured.
What we’ve learned here is that if you’re watching Fifty Shades and someone is making loud noises, do not disturb them. It might be a horny soccer mom (or in this case, a horny football maw) getting off on that boring shit and you do not want to interrupt her as she rubs one out. Interrupting a crazy ho as she gets hers during Fifty Shades is like interrupting Mama June as she eats Korean BBQ. It won’t end well. Just keep your lips shut and cover the top of your popcorn bag, unless you don’t mind a little cooch cream in there. It’s okay to not hear what’s being said in that shit show. It’s Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not an artistic piece of cinema that’s filled with poetic prose like Body of Evidence (example of poetic prose: “Don’t look so hurt, Alan. I fucked you, I fucked Andrew, I fucked Frank. That’s what I do; I fuck.”).
On a different note, I haven’t seen that wreck and wasn’t planning on it, but now I’m going to after finding out that it pisses Lolo Jones off.
And here’s the human form of tap water known as Dakota Johnson wearing a picnic tablecloth outside of Late Night with David Letterman tonight.
Based on the new promos, Mad Men is going to the 70s and I refuse to be okay with it until I see the Hammaconda working a pube afro – Pajiba
That snow must be fake, because it didn’t melt as soon as Prince Hot Ginge stepped on it - Lainey Gossip
Who needs Sam Taylor-Johnson as the director of the Fifty Shades of Shit sequels anyway? Let E.L. James direct, write and star as Ana in them! – Celebitchy
RiRi did a Phantom of the Paradise meets The Night Porter photo shoot for Another Magazine – Drunken Stepfather
Christina Hendricks’ magnificent chichis look magnificent even when she’s dressed like a strict schoolmarm from the 1920s going to a funeral – Drunken Stepfather
No, Jessica Williams is not going to host The Daily Show – The Superficial
Darren Criss from Glee is playing Hedwig on Broadway in April and if you’re in the NYC area, you better stock up on shaving cream now, because it’s going to take at least a few hundred thousand cans to shave his furry caterpillar brows off – Towleroad
Minka Kelly went to yoga class the other day, but I’m sure your local news already interrupted Judge Judy to tell you this – Popoholic
Amber Rose suits up in armor for her battle against Khloe Kardashian in the never-ending Whore Wars – Jezebel
Well, here’s the fake tattooed nalgas of the dude from The Kingsmen: Secret Services – OMG Blog
Here’s the sexual preferences of zodiac signs and as a Gemini, I’d scream, “SPOT ON,” if it said that tricks on the Gemini-Cancer cusp are easy sluts with no standards – The Berry
Today in bad decisions: I’m predicting a hot mullet in this Drake fan’s future – HuffPo
FYI: Vince McMahon has cum gutters on his chest – Buzzfeed
Panty Creamer of the Day: Colin Farrell’s sweaty nips and ponytail – Just Jared
The new Ghostbusters show you what your face looks like while going through the different stages of being high on coke – Bustle
It’s so gracious of Bo Derek to play Tara Reid’s younger sister in Sharknado 3 – SOW
Wonky McValtrex actually wore panties – Egotastic!
Goodnight, beautiful French prince Louis Jourdan – Boy Culture