Programming Note: Brought To You By James Franco’s Barf-Colored Hair

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

When James Franco Instagrammed a picture of his hair looking like four bottles of Sun-In pissed all over it, I figured it was for a movie since James Franco suffers for his art. But based on his look, I guessed he was playing a creeper junkie who is obsessed with Aaron Carter and is trying to become him. I was close! James is playing a real-life mess named Michael Glatze who was a gay activist in San Francisco, but later found Jesus and “prayed away” his love of hard dick and man ass. Here he is shooting that shit on Long Island yesterday. Yup, James’ look seems about right. But, that hair color better be for the “newly straight Michael Glatze,” because I don’t know any gay dude who would walk around outside with a hair color that looks like the color of your barf after you ate a tub of orange sherbet and pasta covered in vodka sauce. (Cut to me in the 90s walking around with a hair color like that because Sun-In did me wrong.)

Anyway, this will be my last post of the day. My partner in fuckery, Allison, will take over for the rest of the day and tomorrow. For a while now, I’ve been dealing with some acid reflux shit that just won’t go away. I’ve bitched about it on here a few times. It feels like an obese burping gerbil is stuck in my chest. I’ve taken everything and have tried everything. I knew it was serious when a few weeks ago, my doctor looked me in the eye and said, “Stop drinking coffee and alcohol.” He might as well have said to me, “Do you want euthanasia via injection or should I just let you slowly shrivel and die while thinking about a summer without booze?” I don’t even know how I’m still alive! So when being on a no booze, no coffee and no other fun things diet didn’t work, my doctor ordered THE SCOPE!

So this morning, my doctor will shove a tube down my throat and I can already hear you making a “Bitch, that’s probably the most action you’ve gotten in centuries” joke in your head, so I won’t do that. There will be no more posts from me today unless I manage to get to my laptop and drool out an incoherent post in a half-sedated state about some shit you don’t care about. You know, I think I just described my job description to a T. Goodnight!

Pics: Splash

Blind Items: I Guess, You Guess

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

This B+ list mostly television actor who goes from network show to network show is telling friends and co-workers on the set of his new show that his marriage to this A list celebrity singer is over. Apparently she has made it clear she wants to move on. (CDAN)

The first names my brain farted up were Mimi and Nick Cannon. But Nick Cannon’s not exactly a TV show jumper and if they were really over, over, we’d know it, because Mimi’s horny butterfly ass would be running down the streets naked while hunting for new boy toy dick. I also thought of Eddie Cibrian and LeAnn Rimes, but LeAnn Rimes’ luck dragon claw will never let go of that dick and the only place she’s considered A-list is a place called the inside of her head.

Josh Duhamel has a new TV show, so this could be about him and Fergie. But the year is 2014 and in the year 2014, is Fergie A-list? If the year was 1984, she’d definitely be A-list since she was on Kids Inc. (aka the biggest show of all-time) then.

The stars of this film recently attended their premiere. Each was accompanied by a significant other or a family member or a publicist. Except for this one actress. She brought THREE bodyguards with her.

WTH? Girl, you’re just walking the red carpet… and you aren’t even one of the top four stars of the film! Do you know how many security guards the four real stars of the film brought with them (two of whom are Academy Award winners)? None! Your costars may just roll their eyes at your antics, but we are going to tell you straight up: You are not doing yourself any favors by giving off airs and playing the diva every time you walk outside. (Blind GossipContinue reading »

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Morning Crumbs

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Something called a Hollywood Foreign Press Grants Benefit happened last night and what in patient at a hospital run by monks HELL did Patricia Arquette wear? – Celebitchy

A third Bad Boys movie directed by Michael Bay is probably going to happen, because Hollywood’s Satanic orb of a heart lives to torture us and gives us shit we don’t want instead of giving us shit we really want like a full-length Skank Robbers movie – Lainey Gossip

Ramona Singer calls 911 after she thinks her husband’s side piece turned main piece stalked her. Um, bitch needs to stop chasing her Ramona Pinot Grigio shots with coke – Reality Tea

The innocence of thousands of Christian children is lost thanks to something called “nipples” which everyone has – WWTDD

Um, somebody tell Aubrey Ho’Day that Spring Breakers already filmed and came out so she can stop auditioning for it - Drunken Stepfather

Harry Potter (more like Hairy Pothole) talks about ass waxing – Towleroad

MiserAlba being MiserAlba, but I guess you would be miserable too if your crotch was covered in several layers of sweat syrup thanks to you wearing leather pants on a flight from NYC to LA – Popoholic

The definition of pure sisterly elegance is CoCo and her rubber hams posing next to her sister while they’re both wearing lingerie – The Superficial

But why is Naya Rivera suddenly dressing like she’s the femme fatale in a really shitty, no-budget straight-to-the-Redbox-clearance-section spy movie? – Hollywood Tuna

The doggy kissing booth is Lucy from Peanuts’ night terror come to life – Jezebel

That picture of Lindsay Lohan looks like a coked-up wax figure that’s being fixed after it melted halfway – The Berry

These Tom Hardy pictures are not complete without a puppy – ICYDK

Michael J. Fox had a few words to say about Robin Williams having Parkinson’s Disease – HuffPo

Here’s some promo pictures from season 5 of Downton Abbey and sadly, the plastic, fame-whoring water bottle doesn’t make an appearance – Pajiba

The Emmys presenters list needs more Joan Collins and CharoPopsugar

Arlene Martel has been beamed up to heaven – Boy Culture

Tony Parker got married – Just Jared

Jessica Biel is no Laura Jeanne PoonSOW

Christy Mack’s fellow porn stars are raising money for her reconstructive surgery costs – Popbytes

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

The photo bombing, time traveling plastic water bottle that stole the shot from this promo picture of Lord Grantham and Lady Edith for the new season of Downton Abbey

ITV’s marketing department, the photographer, the assistants, the graphic artists and dozens of others who laid eyes on this picture before it was okay’d to be used as an actual promo picture must have a serious case of No Fucks To Give. Because all those eyeballs landed on this picture and not one of them said, “Lord Grantham looks like he’s smelling dirty ass. Oh, and there’s a water bottle over there.

There’s 5 explanations for this mess:

1. Someone fucked up and soon they’ll be using that water bottle to beg for coins on the street. Maggie Smith will look them up and down and spit on them when she walks by.

2. It’s not a plastic water bottle. It’s a decanter made out of crystal and diamonds and it holds the tears of the servants.

3. Shit is a clue for a Doctor Who crossover episode. Or better yet, that plastic water bottle from the future is letting us know that Richard Dean Anderson as MacGyver is going to guest star.

4. Three words: STUNT QUEEN SITUATION.

Only that water bottle knows the answer:

hostddowntonabbeywaterbottle2

Or that water bottle is just a fame whore and snuck into that shot to get attention. It will soon leak a sex tape and join the cast of next season’s Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases. (It will win.)

via The Daily Mail

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Birthday Sluts

August 15, 2014 / Posted by:

Joe Jonas (25)
Chief Keef (19)
Jennifer Lawrence (24)
Belinda (25)
Natalia Kills (28)
Quinton Aaron (30)
Kerri Walsh Jennings (36)
Brad Goreski (37)
Natasha Henstridge (40)
Ben Affleck (42)
Anthony Anderson (44)
Cris Judd (45)
Debra Messing (46)
Lady Miss Kier (51)
Tom Colicchio (52)
Princess Anne (64)
Tess Harper (64)
Linda Ellerbee (70)
Jim Dale (79)
Mike Connors (89)
Rose Marie (91)

Pic: Instagram

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Laura Jeanne Poon Has Hot, Sweet Moves

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

THIS IS BEYOND. Beyond!

AMERICAN CITZEN Reese Witherspoon was on foreign soil (Capri, Italy) at an event for a wedding last night and when the band played “I Will Survive,” she busted out some piping hot clapping and hair whipping moves and danced, danced, DANCED like nobody was watching. Except someone was watching and recorded her hot moves on their phone and sold that shit to TMZ.

Laura Jeanne Poon is just like all of us. When the sweet nectar starts flowing through her veins, she surrenders her body to the beat and lets the booze guide her. She was dancing like she was all alone in her kitchen, the kids just fell asleep and Skynyrd just came on the radio as her wine cooler buzz hit its peak. Laura Jeanne should’ve toned it down a little, though. She wasn’t on AMERICAN SOIL and so the Italian police could’ve easily arrested her for killing hos with her moves. I mean:

laurajeannepoondancing

I think that’s called “the double bend and snap without the bend.” Get it, Laura Jeanne, give them that wristography.

via Vulture

Night Crumbs

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Based on this Gone Girl cover of Entertainment Weekly, the new twist ending will be that Ben Affleck’s character was Elvis the entire time. The entire time! - Lainey Gossip 

Kendull Jenner threatens to sue the NYC waitress she tried to stiff and that NYC better keep a can of bear spray on her at all times, because Khlozilla is probably coming for her too - Reality Tea

I don’t think Madge’s kid is smoking weed. She’s obviously smoking dried hydrangeas. She’s a total rebel against her mom – WWTDD

Elisabeth Moss dry cleans her pajamas, because I’m guessing it kills the Thetans or something – Celebitchy

The subway wind really wanted everyone to see MiserAlba’s chonies – Drunken Stepfather

Daryl Dixon from The Walking Dead might love dicks – Towleroad

Verne Troyer in a shark suit just might be able to erase the terrifying images of his sex tape that are burned into the inside of my skull – The Superficial

The world’s smallest woman will be on American Horror Story: Freak Show and OMGJESSICALANGESHANDS – Jezebel

Some rapper, who is either a world-class troll or is legitimately insane or both, wants to make Diddy his stud bitch – Gawker

2 cups, 1 girl – Hollywood Tuna

Eva Longoria is redefining period pants – Popoholic

Looking at all the pools of famous whores makes me say to myself, “There must be so much famous piss in there” – The Berry

Nothing makes you want to fap like dancing and singing Mormon missionaries – Pajiba

Miaranda Lambert doesn’t have a fetus in her – ICYDK

Daphne Guinness’ music video is glitter for the eyes, but spikes for the ears – OMG Blog

Why, hello there, David Beckham’s nipples, we haven’t seen you in a while – Popsugar

If the hot dog was attached to Jon Hamm, YES – SOW

Lea Michele’s escort tab is really adding up – Just Jared

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Open Post: Hosted By Mickey Rourke’s Wild Coif Of Perfection

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Shhh, nobody wake up the sleeping, elderly long-haired skunk on Mickey Rourke’s head. It’s been tasered several times, dragged through the river by a pack of wild dogs, electrocuted on a fence and forced to listen to a Nickelback album in its entirety. It’s been through a lot and needs to rest. Mickey Rourke is an angel on earth for providing it with a safe haven.

Here’s Chunk’s best friend forever leaving Nello’s in NYC yesterday while looking like a Russian count circa 1858 who traveled to a strange land known as America to live out his dream of becoming an old western pimp in a small town. Mickey Rourke’s ensembles are always next level sharp, but that animal on his head is what got all the attention and made strangers on the street scream for the ASPCA. I don’t know if that’s a wig that’s sinking into his skin or if all those fillers in his face mutated and are eating away at his hair. Whatever the case is, it’s something. Looking like Beethoven after getting a train ran on him in the bushes IS the look.

Pics: Splash

Brittany Murphy’s Deadbeat Dad Plans To Sue Lifetime For Making A Movie About His Daughter

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

When it was announced yesterday that Lifetime was set to air a biopic about the life and tragic death of Brittany Murphy, most of us rolled our eyes, shook our heads in disbelief, and added another name to the already too-long list of tasteless low-budget Lifetime biopics. But then after about 15 minutes, we got over it, because as if the ghost of the voice of Luanne Platter really gives a shit that some second-rate cable channel threw together a shoddy made-for-TV movie about her life.

But not Brittany’s sleazy payday-sniffin’ papa Angelo Bertolotti! Angelo pretty much split shortly after she was born, and only resurfaced once she got famous (ah, classic Hollywood cockroach parenting). Then he kind of split again after she wouldn’t let him hump on her bank account, and was estranged from her for the last 8 years of her life. But that hasn’t stopped him from using the name @BrittMurphyDad on Twitter or re-launching investigations into her death and running to the press. But Angelo is so shook-up at the idea that anyone would exploit Brittany’s death for profits! Well, you know, besides him. According to Radar, the second Angelo heard that Lifetime had made an biopic about his daughter, he immediately called up his lawyer (who I’m guessing is probably Saul Goodman) because he wants to make sure he sees a cut of the profits. NO! He’s totally not trying to hustle Lifetime for dollars! Angelo claims he’s threatening to sue the pants off them because he claims that Lifetime has not been authorized to produce the “true story” of Brittany Murphy, and because he was never consulted during production.

All this would seem like Angelo has only the best of intentions for preserving his daughter’s memory, until you realize his only memories of Brittany Murphy involve stuffing his pockets with cash, so basically he lawyered-up to #getmoneybitch. Except he’s clearly not familiar with Lifetime, otherwise he’d realize there’s no damn money to get! The production budget for House of Versace was about $2,000 (maybe $2,500, tops), and don’t get me started on that $3 disaster called The Anna Nicole Smith Story. Angelo can try to sue Lifetime, but the most he’s going to make off with is about $100 and a jacked Liz Taylor wig (and that’s if the wigs haven’t been sold on Craigslist yet).

Pic: Tumblr

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