Whenever you’re about to take on something that seems impossible (example: Read War & Peace, watch Peter Pan Live! without getting blackout ER-worthy drunk, go grocery shopping without opening up a box of Nilla Wafer to snack on as you shop, etc..) and you don’t know if you can do it, just tell yourself that living and breathing train wreck Lindsay Lohan made it through the entire run of Speed-The-Plow in London and she didn’t quit or get fired. Anything is possible. Miracles do happen.
Even though LiLo’s run in Plowed-For-Speed is done, she’s still in London, because there’s parties to party at and gift bags to steal and sell on eBay. Last night, the PacSun designer brought her brand of messiness to a Chopard party and the after-party for the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yes, she looks like a busted up Ann-Margret zombie circa 1974 and those shoes look like they’re covered in gaping scabs, but her weave doesn’t look like it’s been attacked by squirrels the way it usually does, so there’s that.
LiLo’s entire tacky look is very “long-retired fourth-rate showgirl who pulled out one of her old costumes to show the kids at the nursing home in Reno that she’s still got it.” What I’m saying is, this is the look.
And that goddamn kissy face pose. LiLo needs to stop trying to make the kissy face pose happen, because it’s never going to happen. If bitch keeps doing it, her face is going to get stuck like that and then she’ll really be fucked. ”I don’t know, my face is stuck like that and I do just fine.” - Jocelyn Wildenstein
Life legend Annie Lennox has once again put on her skipper hat and set sail on the S.S. No-Fucks-Given bound for the shady shores of Truth Island. During a discussion on the UK show Loose Women (via E! News) about Madonna’s recent Slutty Motel Memaw photoshoot for Interview Magazine, 59-year-old Annie admitted that while she’s all for being naked, she questioned Madonna’s motives for taking her 56-year-old tits out. “DUH! Because a desperate middle-aged ho is desperate for attention!” screamed all of us, including Madonna.
Annie then said it’s not her place to judge (Annie Lennox is a living breathing Kermit meme, apparently) but would love to know whyyyyy-y-y-y-y-y Madonna feels the need to keep flashing her Photoshopped nips at our eyes:
“I think already the verdict is probably out. Would you not agree on that one?” Lennox asked. “I think the question is, ‘What is Madonna telling us? Anybody know?’”
That’s when one of the other panelists, Janet Street-Porter, answered: “I think it’s attention seeking” (this just in: Captain Obvious lives in the UK and uses the alias “Janet Street-Porter”). To which Annie agreed, saying:”I think it is.” And that’s when, in a perfect world, Madonna would have popped out of a decorative plant wearing an all-straps latex bra and exclaimed in her wonderful fake British accent: “You’re both correct! Congratulations! Now who wants to see a picture of my fanny?”
I understand what Annie Lennox is feeling, because I too wonder why Madonna is forever reminding us about her Photoshopped fuck parts, but I think it might be one of life’s mysteries that we’re not meant to know. I bet that 2 million years from now, aliens will still be trying to figure it out. “Gleep-glorp, it doesn’t make any sense! Why did she need so much attention? And why does this picture of a 98-year-old Madonna not have a single wrinkle or age spot?“
No, I did not Photoshop that picture at all. Angels literally fly out of Charlie Hunnam’s ass went he humps. Holiness goes out as holiness goes in.
ICYHFTIY (In case you haven’t fapped to it yet), here’s my favorite Sons of Anarchy cast member, Charlie Humman’s ass cheeks, thrusting and clenching during another fuck scene on last night’s episode. The office of the Parents Television Council is closed today, because they need time to fully analyze the dark-sided, raunchy, sucio sinfulness going on in last night’s sex scene (read: they need time to rage jack to it). Once they finish doing that, they need more time to pray for FX’s dirty soul (read: cool their genitals before going for round 2) before they write a 10,000 word statement condemning this filth (read: write the statement with one hand while fapping some more with the other).
There’s two NSFWish GIFs of Charlie fake fucking after the cut and there’s many more at My New Plaid Pants. Like I’ve said before, I don’t watch SoA and there’s only one episode left, but just in case Charlie’s clenching nalgas make one last appearance, I’m going to watch next week while sitting on a tarp with one bottle of lube in one hand and a cocktail in the other.
Dr. Nancy Snyderman achieved the impossible last October when she temporarily dethroned Matt Lauer as the smuggiest smug smugger of the Today show by breaking the voluntary Ebola quarantine she promised to put herself under and by releasing a bullshit statement where she took zero responsibility. A couple of months ago, Dr. Nancy, NBC’s chief medical correspondent, was in West Africa covering the Ebola outbreak and a freelance cameraman in her crew caught the virus. After coming back to the US, Dr. Nancy and the other members of her crew agreed to stay in isolation (aka not leave their houses) for three weeks. 72 hours after she started the quarantine, Dr. Nancy said fuck you to that shit when she drove with two dudes to a restaurant in Hopewell, NJ. Dr. Nancy sat in the car while one dude went to get the food. Dr. Nancy broke that shit for a stupid car ride. If you’re going to break the quarantine, break it for something good like…. like… like… Hmm, I can’t come up with a fun reason for being outside.
After Dr. Nancy Smuggyman dribbled out that non-apology, some people screamed for her to be fired from NBC. There were rumors that NBC planned to dump Dr. Nancy. That never happened and this morning, Matt Lauer welcomed Dr. Nancy back to Today. Dr. Nancy apologized for scaring the community and made it clear that the quarantine was only voluntary and she didn’t have one symptom. She also said something about hats.
“We had already been taking our temperatures 4, 5, 6 times a day, and we knew our risks in our heads, but didn’t really appreciate, and frankly we were not sensitive to, how absolutely frightened Americans were. So I came back, agreed to a voluntary quarantine in my home, and then 72 hours, left my home.
The thing is, I wear two hats. I have my doctor hat and I have my journalist hat. And when the science and messaging sometimes collide, and you leave the optics of, in this case, a hot zone, and come back to the United States good people can make mistakes. And I stepped outside the boundaries of what I promised to do, and what the public expected of me, and for that I’m sorry.”
In other words, Dr. Nancy is sorry she scared you. That’s a new one. Whatever happened to just saying, “I’m sorry! My butt wasn’t bleeding and I wanted mac and cheese. Get over it, you paranoid whores!” Dr. Nancy did earn herself a third hat from this mess. She earned a dunce cap.
And as my mom would say, “DR. OZ WOULD NEVER!” Dr. Oz would gladly stay in his house and film a month-long special titled: How To Lose Your Stubborn Belly Fat While Under A 21-Day Ebola Quarantine.
God A Team Of Skilled Plastic Surgeons Created Kim” (there, I fixed it for you).
Since it’s the holiday season and Pimp Mama Kris needs to pimp out the merchandise, Kim Kardashian made an appearance in this month’s Elle UK to talk about her tits, ass, and…uh…well, that’s pretty much it. She talked about her body. Kim Kardashian, as predictable as a sunrise. But honestly, what else is she going to talk about? It’s not really Kim’s fault; she has CADD (chronic attention deficiency disorder), and her doctor says we need to pay attention to her every 0.3 seconds or she’ll go into shock. So let’s get to it!
When I woke up this morning to emails with the subject, “Another Duggar is Knocked Up,” I figured that all that kissing on Instagram and front hugging put a baby in Jessa Duggar. Jessa Duggar might have a fetus living in her womb, but a different Duggar announced this morning that his family is one baby closer to overtaking China as the world’s leading producer of humans.
In a video posted on TLC.com (via People) this morning, the eldest child of the Cult of Duggar, 26-year-old Josh Duggar, and his 26-year-old wife of 6 years, Anna Duggar, announced in creepy robot voices that they’ve made their fourth baby. Anna says that the Duggar growing in her uterus is about 9 weeks old. Anna and Josh, who live in DC where he works for an anti-gay and anti-abortion group, said that they told the leaders of their army, Jim Bob and Michelle, about the newest Duggar a couple of weeks ago. I’m sure Michelle knew as soon as Anna got knocked up, because she can smell fresh jizz in an ovary egg from 10,000 miles away.
Anna’s voice… Anna’s animatronic eyes… Anna’s fake smile…. Just throw a glorious wave of White Rain bangs on top of her head and she’d be Michelle Duggarbot 2.0.
This kid will be Jim Bob and Michelle’s 5th grandchild. Jill Duggar is currently knocked up with her first baby who’s due in March.
I’m not even going to joke about what Josh and Anna are going to name their fourth. It’s not hard to figure out. They’ve got a 5-year-old named Mackynzie (MACKYNZIE!!!), a 3 1/2-year-old named Michael and a 1 1/2-year-old named Marcus. They should name their fourth kid Motherfuckers Stop Fucking With The Letter M Duggar. What have us M names done to deserve this? The Duggars have already tortured everyone whose first name starts with the letter J and now they’re coming hard for us Ms.
The good news is that I shouldn’t have any trouble legally changing my name from Michael to Concepcion. A judge will scream “GRANTED, you poor soul, GRANTED!” as soon as I tell them that I’m changing my name because the Duggars have officially taken over the letter M.
Eva Mendes (or as she’s known in the Gosloon superfan community, “Ryan Gosling’s man-stealing skank bitch baby mama”) appeared on Ellen yesterday for the first time since lying to human-sized elf Ellen DeGeneres about having a baby living in her body and talked some more about that baby. Eva first started talking about Baby Esmeralda last week when she confessed that she and Ryan don’t have any nannies for Baby Esmeralda and explained why they named her Esmeralda.
But it looks like she’s not quite ready to start releasing pictures of Baby Esmeralda just yet, because this is what she threw up to the audience on Ellen. And by “threw up”, I mean l literally threw up in my mouth a little after looking at that nightmare of a baby picture. Let’s get a closer look, shall we?
Yama hama, that picture is the definition of not right. Who knew that when you mash together the hot parts of Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling’s face in Photoshop you get a living nightmare? It looks like the modeling headshot of a baby Mr. Bean. I’m pretty sure that’s what Mia Farrow saw when she looked into the cradle at the end of Rosemary’s Baby.
And that picture is especially disturbing to me, because it looks exactly like my friend’s Nonna Maria after a fresh lip wax and right before she gives me the malocchio for not taking off my shoes in the house. Okay, now I’m actually for real terrified of that picture.
Sold exclusively with the holiday J’Alone gift set. – Vernicious
Just what every girl hopes for… a swell guy - Unify Normal
The Lord of Dance (And Sex) who set a club in West Virginia on fire with his hot, sweet moves while dancing to Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It.“
The answer to the question “So you think you can dance?” has finally been answered. The answer is no you can’t. Nobody can dance the way this machine of hot moves can dance. The 10 or 15 people who were at West Virginia’s hottest club (served with not a drop of sarcasm, because I want to go to there) the night this went down are now pregnant, because as soon as this beacon of rhythm started popping his crotch, everybody in there got knocked up. I won’t say anything more, because words are cheap when compared to these world class moves. Before you press play, take every birth control pill you can get your hand on and tape a condom over your eyes, because if you don’t you will feel a tingle in your gut and a pucker in your butt when this dancing adonis in pulled-up cargo pants lays down the raw sex. His cell phone belt purse is the hot cherry on this 10-scoops of hotness sundae. Chris Christie who? THIS is how you do it.
You’re pregnant, right? Dude pushed it, pulled it, slapped it and swayed it REAL good. When he went down on one knee, I went down too, because I had to pick my up prostate which fell out of my ass after witnessing that hot move. Since everything on the Internet is fake and we’re constantly lied to, this is probably the Evolution of Dance dude in disguise, but I’m going to choose to believe that talent and sexiness like this lives in West Virginia.
This guy’s partner gets a HSOTD honorable mention, because she’s also killing hos with that outfit and moves. Together they prove that West Virginia really is for lovers. Our modern day Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers have been found.
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Pic: King Magazine