Channing Tatum Answered Some Questions About Channing Tatum And It Was Wonderful

June 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Lovable stripping doofus Channing Tatum did an AMA on Reddit yesterday, or as Channing probably called it, “Yo, Give Me Much Questions.” Agreeing to do a Reddit AMA was really brave of Channing. He totally seems like the kind of guy who gets nervous every time he goes through the drive-thru at Taco Bell and the voice on the magic speaking box asks if he wants to make it a combo (“Oh man, I know this one…calm down dude, you got this“).

Channing is currently promoting Magic Mike XXL, so I expected every answer to be just a picture of his abs. Instead, he gave us a gift far more beautiful – Channing Tatum gave us the real thoughts rolling around inside Channing Tatum’s adorably dopey skull. That, or he smacked his penis around on the keyboard for a couple hours and let autocorrect do its thing. Either way, Christmas has come early! Note: All answers appear exactly as Channing typed them.

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Hot Slut Of The Day!

June 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Shel Rasten, the 33-year-old Adonis son of ageless human unicorn Charo!

Charo was on Celebrity Wife Swap last night, because she is a complete saint and knew her A+++ superstar power would give that itty bitty show a much-needed ratings boost. Charo is always helping the less fortunate. Charo switched places with her Love Boat co-star Jill Whelan (aka Vicki Stubing). Nothing crazy happened, but I learned for the 8,000,000th time that reality TV is far from real and nearly every second is completely scripted. I mean, the show did not end with Jill’s family going down to the court house to legally emancipate themselves from her so that Charo can adopt them. That would be any human’s natural reaction after spending that much time with the pink sparkler in heels. FAKE!

At the beginning of the show, Charo introduced us to the son she made with her husband of ten million years. For a second there, I thought that my TV had glitched out and changed to a channel showing Falcon Crest, because Shel Rasten looks like he fell right out of an 80s primetime soap opera. He looks like he was made by Aaron Spelling Productions. Shel is an actor/producer type and he just moved out of his parents’ Beverly Hills house. Shel’s big storyline was that his mom still does his laundry. Shel is way too old to be letting his mom do his laundry, which is why I volunteer to clean his dirty clothes WITH MY TONGUE.

Shel is like a come-to-life sculpture that Michelangelo made of a young Lorenzo Lamas and his luscious early-Menudo member mane makes you wonder if Moses himself parted that hair. (Or was it a hairstylist who worked on Dynasty a few times? Same thing, actually.) But you know, we should expect nothing less from a human who came out of Charo’s cuchi cuchi. (Of course, I couldn’t write a Charo post without throwing a “cuchi cuchi” in there somewhere. It’s definitely a law.)

Pics: Wenn.com, ABC, Getty

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Birthday Sluts

June 18, 2015 / Posted by:

Isabella Rossellini (63)
Max Records (18)
Willa Holland (24)
Renee Olstead (26)
Scooter Braun (34)
Blake Shelton (39)
Ray LaMontagne (42)
Kerry Butler (44)
Kurt Browning (49)
Robin Christopher (50)
Kim Dickens (50)
Dizzy Reed (52)
Alison Moyet (54)
Andrea Evans (58)
Carol Kane (63)
Raffaella Carrà (72)
Sir Paul McCartney (73)

Pic: Green Porno

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Night Crumbs

June 17, 2015 / Posted by:

America’s sweethearts Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence are each getting paid a mountain of money to do a movie together. We should plan a drinking game now. Every time one of them does something super ~endearing~ like fart on command or go on and on about how much they love gas station snacks, we have to take a shot of something mind-numbing. We’re all going to need new livers by day 2 – Lainey Gossip

I am surprised that Keith Urban didn’t catch hypothermia, because it looks like that event was so damn cold that even human ice cube Nicole Kidman started to frost over – Celebitchy

Don’t hassle The Hoff! No, really don’t, unless you want him to beat you over the head with his always-hard dick  – The Superficial

Color me every dark shade of shocked, another Real Housewives couple can’t afford their gaudy house – Reality Tea 

Emma Stone modeled Chico’s new fall line for Wall Street Journal Magazine – Drunken Stepfather

Courtney Love is threatening to sue the filmmakers of a documentary that claims she killed Kurt CobainJezebel

Hilary Duff is business woman on top, Fly Girl on the bottom – Hollywood Tuna 

Donald Trump running for president is Jon Stewart’s porn – Towleroad

Nina Dobrev wore some kind of period doily dress to something – Popoholic

This couple did a weird Britney Spears parody video to announce their new baby and it made me want to shave my head and beat a bitch with an umbrella, so mission accomplished? – The Berry 

Norman Reedus’ maybe piece used to be his co-worker – Pajiba

Vintage Nicholas Newman from Young and the Restless and his bare nalgas – OMG Blog

Burlesque legend Blaze Starr and her dog have gone up to heaven – Boy Culture 

Take an extra toke for Tommy Chong tonight because he’s got butt cancer – HuffPo

Jack Osbourne had another kid – Popsugar

Tonight, elegance is spelled T-I-S-H-C-Y-R-U-SWWTDD

If you haven’t already, get hypnotized by Officer Bennett’s bouncing juicy tits in Orange is the New BlackJust Jared

And now nothing is stopping Nick Jonas from doing gay porn!!!!! – ICYDK

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Melissa Rivers Will Permanently Co-Host “Fashion Police”

June 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Even after both Kelly Osbourne and Kathy Griffin strapped on life vests and jumped from the sinking ship called the S.S. Fashion Police, E! decided against burying the show with Joan Rivers and decided to bring it back. E! announced today that Fashion Police will come back on August 31st and when it does, Joan’s daughter Melissa Rivers will be sitting in the head bitch chair next to Brad Goreski and elongated ant Giuliana Rancic.

The Hollywood Reporter says that E! will squirt out 6 new episodes and Melissa Rivers will continue to be executive producer. It looks like the format isn’t going to change that much. Melissa, Brad and Giuliana will be regulars and they’ll talk shit with celebrity guests. What I mean by “celebrity guest” is an extra from #Rich Kids of Beverly Hills if they’re lucky. Melissa will also carry a taser which she’ll use on Giuliana if Giuliana says anything even mildly offensive. So basically Melissa will use that taser when Giuliana says, “Hello, I am Giuliana Rancic.

Even though E! said that Fashion Police was going to come back after Kathy left, I didn’t really think it would come back. I figured that E! would realize that since it didn’t work with Kathy, maybe it won’t work with anybody not named Joan Rivers. But well, I guess Melissa hosting Fashion Police is better than E! “retooling” the entire thing and turning it into a show where the Kartrashians do nothing but rate all of Caitlyn Jenner’s looks of the week. That will probably happen on September 1st.

Open Post: Hosted By Taylor Swift’s Harness

June 17, 2015 / Posted by:

To me, Taylor Swift is about as vanilla, as well, as Taylor Swift, so she’s the last one on this planet I expected to see in any kind of harness. But I guess she’s trying to make harnesses happen and she wore one while going to lunch with Selena Gomez in West Hollywood yesterday. This is like Fifty Shades of Meh meets Tomb Raider Loving Family™ Dollhouse Raider. Of course, the internet turned these pictures into a quickie meme, and after someone laughed at Tay Tay’s ass for wearing the harness backwards, she spit back at them on Tumblr by saying that it’s supposed to be worn like that, thankyouverymuch! So Tay Tay wears a harness the same way my dog wears a harness when I take him out to piss. The only thing Taylor’s look is missing is a long leash and a bone-shaped poop bag dispenser. And yes, my dog works it better.

Pics: Wenn.com

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Acting Like A Brat On An Airplane Will Cost Conrad Hilton $5,000

June 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Thank god Conrad Hilton is working some truly jacked-up hair, because it’s juuuuuust busted enough to keep my eyes from wandering down to that pinstripe pants bulge. Bless you, Conrad Hilton. Actually, I take that back – that smug smile on his face as he’s walking out of court tells me he’s probably laughing “Hahahaha suckers, no jail for me!” to himself. (Note from Michael: Yes, I am enrolling Allison in a crash-course in bulge watching right now, because I’m pretty sure that’s an air bubble. Or his stash.)

Back in February, Conrad Hilton earned a spot in the Stupid Spoiled Douche Club (current president: Justin Bieber) by threatening to kill flight attendants and calling everyone “fucking peasants” on a British Airways flight from London to Los Angeles. He also smoked weed in the bathroom. He was charged with assault and agreed to plead guilty in exchange for a federal felony charge being dropped. The New York Daily News says that Conrad was sentenced today. It looks like Kathy Hilton won’t need to pull out her prison-visiting Chanel pumps again, because a judge slapped Conrad with a $5,000 fine and 750 hours of community service. Conrad reportedly apologized and promised it wouldn’t happen again.

The NYDN says he’ll also be required to undergo mental health and substance abuse treatment. No word on whether or not Conrad’s sister Nicky will be required to meet with scientists so they can try to determine what DNA defect caused her to become a little less obnoxious than the rest of her siblings.

This isn’t the Hiltons last stroll into court with their 21-year-old son; he still needs to get a slap on the wrist for reckless driving in Palm Springs last August. “Just put it on my tab, peasants!” he’ll holler to his lawyers.

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Dickmatized No More: Charlize Theron May Have Dumped Sean Penn

June 17, 2015 / Posted by:

According to UsWeekly, Charlize Theron may have woken up from the dickmatized spell she was under and decided that she wants her pussy to go leather free. Some sources tell both UsWeekly and E! News that Charlize dumped fire-roasted, angry leather douchebag Sean Penn after they got back from Cannes last month. No reason was given as to why their love ate shit after being together for a year and a half, but does there really need to be a reason? The reason is: Bitch realized she was going to marry Sean Penn.

But really, I thought Charlize’s cooch was hypnotized in a serious way. They got engaged, she was reportedly going to let him adopt her kid, she dribbled at the mouth about how hot he is and just last month, they were all on each other at The Life Ball. “Stage 1 dickmatization” is when you let a messy dude drive your car and “stage the number is too big to type dickmatization” is when you let a messy dude adopt your child.

Charlize Theron dumping Sean Peen gives hope to all the hos out there whose genitals are sprung on some good dick attached to the wrong dude. There is a cure for dickmatization!

Neil Young Wants Nothing To Do With Donald Trump

June 17, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m just going to pretend that shirt says “FART,” because I’d like to believe that Neil Young matches his facial expressions to his tees.

Before angry anal wart Donald Trump officially announced that he’s going for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential race, he made a grand entrance on an escalator to Neil Young’sRockin’ In The Free World” as his maybe bought-and-paid-for supporters cheered him on. If you haven’t already seen it and care about this mess, you can watch Trump’s hilarious escalator entrance in the beginning of the video below. While watching it, I almost said, “Please malfunction, please malfunction,” out loud, but I stopped myself, because I don’t want to wish any harm upon delicate gold digging rose Melania Trump.

Since Donald Trump is a 13-year-old girl trapped in a spoiled ham, he’s always going off on the h8rs on Twitter, so I expected his entrance song to be Hilary Duff’sHaters.” But he went with a Neil Young song and Neil Young was pissed about it. Neil’s manager let Jabba the Hutt’s used cum rag know to keep “Rockin’ In The Free World” out of his campaign. Neil’s manager said in a statement that Donald Trump’s people never asked for permission to use the song and even if they did, Neil would’ve wet farted on their request, because he’s backing Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders.

“Donald Trump was not authorized to use ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ in his presidential candidacy announcement. Neil Young, a Canadian citizen, is a supporter of Bernie Sanders for president of the United States of America.”

Trump’s rep tells Variety that they paid for the legal right to use the song:

“Through a license agreement with ASCAP, Mr. Trump’s campaign paid for and obtained the legal right to use Neil Young’s recording of ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ at today’s event. Nevertheless, we won’t be using it again — there are plenty of songs to choose from. Despite Neil’s differing political views, Mr. Trump likes Neil very much.”

As Variety and everyone else points out, this isn’t the first time that a political candidate has been forced to change their campaign song after the maker of that song said, “Bitch, no.” It’s happened a hundred times before. As a serious business man you’d think that future president Fuckface Von Clownstick would do his research and go with another song. I mean, he should’ve rode down that grand escalator while the theme song to Bloopers & Practical Jokes played. It’s the perfect song, because Donald Trump claims he was friends with Dick Clark and it pretty much sums up his STUNT QUEEN-approved practical joke of a campaign.

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