Quick, go immediately to your happy place. This is some potentially rage-making, caftan-tearing news if you’re a Three’s Company purist. The Hollywood Reporter is reporting that Hollywood’s latest unnecessary remake/reboot might be a Three’s Company movie. Nobody asked you to knock at that door, Hollywood.
THR says that it’s currently still in the beginning stages. New Line is trying to get the rights to Three’s Company, and they’re looking to have it written by the same people responsible for He’s Just Not That Into You. In case you’ve forgotten, Three’s Company was a sitcom that ran on ABC from 1979 to 1984 about a guy who pretends to be gay because he’s living with two women and doesn’t want their landlord to evict them. That’s a scenario that barely works in 1979, but makes zero sense in 2016. New Line clearly knows this, so they’re apparently keeping it set in the 1970s.
That’s really all we know about this Three’s Company movie right now. With that being said, now is the time to wildly speculate about who should be cast in what will be the second-best movie made about Three’s Company. Yes, second best. As long as a copy of Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of Three’s Company still exists, that title stays unchanged. Personally, I’d like to see the following:
Suzanne Somers as Chrissy
Suzanne Somers in a Kris Jenner wig as Janet
A sexy picture of John Ritter (easy to find) as Jack Tripper
A ThighMaster wearing a gold chain as Larry Dallas
And the ghosts of Audra Lindley, Norman Fell, and Don Knots as the three reasons for why the cast and crew will keep asking themselves if they heard something say “This isn’t cuuuuuuute.”
Honestly though, the chance of this sucking is very high. At the very least, I hope they remember to unsuccessfully replace Chrissy Snow’s character two times through the movie.
Nearly every week some severely uneducated child e-mails me to ask what exactly does Phoebe Price do. I always tell them that they obviously haven’t taken an AP U.S. history course and should do so immediately, because that course covers everything that highly important American Chicken Cutlets has done. PP is an international supermodel, a chickentarian, a visual definition of hormone-free beauty, Dlisted’s forever reigning Hot Babe of the Year, a global (see: the Valley, and probably the Valley only) hat designer and more importantly an actress!
PP earned an Oscar for Best Extra (in my head) when she stole the show as window shopper #2 in the Get Smart remake, and now she’s back to show the thespians of the planet how to truly command a scene. In the web series Hollyweird!, the most underrated actress of this generation, Phoebe Price, plays the most underrated human of this generation, Phoebe Price, alongside Moira Cue. Some acting types say that it’s all in the eyes, but they’re wrong. It’s obviously all in the cheeks!
Truthfully, I could only watch about 45 seconds of that, and only because I could no longer hold onto my chair as PP’s high-powered acting knocked me over! And here’s some pictures from last February I never posted of PP, Frenchy from Rock of Love 2 and The Porn Iguana’s seance partner acting out an ultra dramatic reboot of the Life Alert’s “Ah’ve Fallen And Ah Can’t Get Up” commercial on the stage of the Ho Stroll Theater.
Three minutes of music video footage, and that was the safest-for-work screengrab available. Rihanna truly outdid herself this time! Earlier today, RiRi released the music video for her latest single, “Needed Me“, and in case it wasn’t clear enough from the title up top, it’s basically Spring Breakers. But, you know, for people who saw Spring Breakers and left the theater thinking: “You know, this is good, but what would make it really great would be way more strippers, titties, asses, guns, motorcycles, money, nipple piercings, people that look like they have all the hepatitises, and 100% less James Franco.”
The video, which was directed by Spring Breakers and Gummo director Harmony Korine, opens with a weed-smoking RiRi wearing a vintage dressing gown and wandering around a fancy condo in slow-motion like a Lana Del Rey robot with a low-battery. Then she rides a motorcycle in slow-motion. Eventually she strolls into a strip club in slow-motion and shoots a dude while he’s getting a slow-motion lap dance. I guess Drake and the horny phantom from the “Kiss It Better” video were busy, because they don’t make an appearance. Thankfully, Rihanna’s nipples were kind enough to take some time out of their busy schedules and step in. I know it’s probably beyond redundant to say this, but the following video is NSFW.
If anyone is looking for Taylor Swift, she just crawled into a pile of dusty rose throw pillows, curled in the fetal position with her hands over her eyes, and started whispering “I want to forget…I want to forget….“
To an anti-PDA crusader like myself, the “Kiss Cam” is usually the “Gross Cam,” because who wants to see two people not named Alexander Skarsgard and Idris Elba kiss in public? And the Kiss Cam usually never shows real love. But that changed yesterday at something called an Atlanta Hawks vs. Boston Celtics game when the Kiss Cam landed on a real American hero showing us a threesome in her mouth between her tongue and two pieces of delicious pizza. Finally, the Kiss Cam gave us a portrait of true love.
Because everything that goes viral on the Internet was probably faked to go viral on the Internet, everyone involved most likely rehearsed this beforehand, but they still turned on the magic when the camera landed on them. As a bro sucked his girlfriend’s stomach out through her mouth, our blonde heroine reenacted the threesome scene from Wild Things. The part played by Matt Dillion was played by her mouth and the parts played by Neve Campbell and Denise Richards were played by pizza slice #1 and pizza slice #2.
This is double-fisting done right! This moment is so beautiful that I won’t ruin it with a Kanye double-fisting joke.
The Treasury Secretary HAS to find a place for Pizza Girl. She should at least be the new face of the Chuck E. Cheese token.
“Sorry Islam, looks like she’s your problem now” said the Catholic church, Kabbalah, Buddhism, and any other religions Lindsay Lohan has dabbled in.
Last year, LiLo was seen carrying a copy of the Koran, aka the holy book of the Islamic religion. Nobody knew where it came from (one of her Middle Eastern “friends“) or what she was going to do with it (scrape all the ink off the front with a dull knife and mail it to Cash4Gold). But since she was also Instagramming incorrectly translated English-to-Arabic banalities around the same time, the most logical conclusion was that she was converting.
Well, she recently spoke to The Sun and it turns out that yes, she’s trying to do the Muslim thing now. Lindsay was raised Catholic, but has since dipped her freckled toe into a variety of religious ponds. And right now, it’s Islam’s turn to hide the good silverware.
“I’m a very spiritual person and I’m really open to learning. We all believe in something and at the end of the day it all ties to a god or a spiritual adviser. We all have a similar belief in whatever it may be personally.”
Lindsay may be open to learning, but it sounds like she can’t seem to find the time to open that Koran she was papped with.
“I’m not done reading it. Do you know how long that would take? It takes so long.”
Since I’m still working on a copy of Charlotte’s Web from the 3rd grade (Wilbur and Charlotte live happily ever after, right?), I’m in no position to judge how long it takes anyone to read anything. But a year seems like a long time for something you’re supposedly super into, right? I’m sure if it was a copy of How To Bag A Rich Russian Husband, she would have been finished in under 10 minutes.
But if I were Islam, I wouldn’t be making a space for LiLo’s picture between Janet Jackson and Dr. Oz on the Celebrity Muslim Wall. Once she discovers how difficult it is to Photoshop your waist while wearing a burqa, she’ll be gone.
Here’s Islam’s newest aspiring convert in New York a few days ago with Ali Lohan and her fiancé Egor Tarabasov.
Page Six claims that Courtney Love was kicked out of the Neon Carnival on Saturday night for being “too” wasted. They could be right. I mean, look at that picture of Courtney Love. She must be on something if she’s standing there doing nothing as Ellie Goulding’s mouth is being attacked by two mutated silicone leeches! Do something, Courtney! Throw a compact at those evil things!
Courtney Love declared last year that she was Cracked Out Courtney no more and was sitting on the wagon with her seatbelt firmly attached. Courtney claimed that she was done with the sweet nectar, the good shit, the bad shit and the prescribed shit. She said that her current drug of choice is some “Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo” stuff because she’s a Buddhist now. But Page Six seems to think that Courtney fell face first off of the wagon and landed directly on a pile of hipster piss at a Coachella party.
After Courtney went to see fellow mess and one-time arch rival Axl Rose play with Guns ‘N Roses at Coachella, she went to the Neon Carnival held at a nearby airport. Page Six’s source says that Courtney got so wasted that they kicked her out of there.
“She went to Neon Carnival and got kicked out for being too drunk in the VIP area,” we’re told.
Another source at the party, which is held on an airport tarmac — and was attended by celebs including Leo DiCaprio, Rihanna and Kesha — said, “She was literally falling over. It just became a little too sloppy, and she was removed. She wasn’t coherent at all.”
Are they sure Courtney was boozing it up, because isn’t she incoherent and sloppy when she’s sober too? But honestly, I didn’t think it was possible to get kicked out of a Coochella event for being “too plastered.” That’s like being kicked out of the Gathering of the Juggalos for sucking dirty dick in a Port-A-Potty while butt chugging Faygo and moonshine. If this is true and you really can get kicked out of a Coachella party for being drunk, then that’s just cruel and unusual punishment. How else do the evil doers of that event expect you to deal with messes dressed like assholes. Case in point: Bella Thorne.
Paula Deen just made a mental note to only get $50 bills from the ATM in the future…
Politico says that United States Treasury Secretary Jack Lew will announce that Andrew Jackson (FYI: AJ was the 7th POTUS and not the unknown 6 member of the Jackson 5) is out as the main face of the $20 bill and Harriet Tubman is in. I’m surprised Sofia Vergara isn’t the new face of the $20 bill since that trick is the face of EVERYTHING. Andrew Jackson isn’t totally off of the $20 bill. There’s a good chance his face will be moved to the back of the bill. Ha.
Nathan Fillion And Stana Katic Were Allegedly Forced Into Couples Counseling By Their “Castle” Bosses
I bet those are the same faces they made when they were told, too. Those looks say, “I’d rather freebase expired battery acid.”
On Monday, the TV show Castle reminded us that it’s still a thing when news broke that Stana Katic was leaving the show after 8 seasons, along with Tamala Jones. ABC gave a wishy-washy reason for why Castle’s wife was out of there (something something saving money?), but sources claimed it was because she couldn’t work another day with that diva Nathan Fillion. But it’s not like they didn’t try. UsWeekly says that the decision makers of Castle were so desperate to make it work between Stana and Nathan, that they made them go to couples counseling. You know shit is bad when you’re going to therapy to save your pretend marriage.
Not since the dramatic ousting of Ann Curry has there been an all-caps, bold-faced ESCANDALO that is rocking the boring morning show world. It’s times like these when I wish that I was a stay-at-home daddy. Because if I was, I’d be passing around a sippy cup full of a screwdriver with the other stay-at-homers at the playground as we kiki about this mess and I scream, “Walk it off, shit, I’m busy,” at my kid as they complain about breaking a leg from falling off of the jungle gym.
Proving once again that publicists are some of the hardest workers in Hollywood (second only to the person who made Johnny Depp look somewhat clean in that apology video), People magazine has named Jennifer Aniston as 2016’s World’s Most Beautiful Woman. Yes, Jennifer Aniston, of the soon-to-be released holiday-themed blockbuster Mother’s Day. I believe that’s what’s known in ~the biz~ as expert-level hustling. The Mother’s Day marketing team is really going hard. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Modern Hairpiece Monthly names Julia Roberts’ recycled Ronald McWintour wig 2016’s Best Comeback.
And she’s really selling it on that cover too. Her hand is saying “Who me?“, while her face is saying “Oh come on, you know it was going to be me. That beautiful bitch Thor doesn’t have to start hustling his next movie till 2017.” She’s also wearing florals, because of course she is. If Jenny had her way, she’d be in something black from Armani. But they’ve got a movie about moms to sell, so she’s working that casual Ann Taylor LOFT realness. That was probably the compromise. “Fine, I’ll wear the flower shirt. But I draw the line at the dress that has MOTHER’S DAY IN THEATERS APRIL 29 written all over it.”
Jennifer also has stuff to say about being the Most Beautiful Woman in the World. Jenny was “very, very flattered” when she was told that she beat out the other 3.52 billion women for the title. She also wants you to know the Jennifer you see before you is the result of cutting back on milkshakes and gravy-covered fries when she was younger. Well, I guess there goes my shot at the title; milkshakes and poutine are the load-bearing bottom brick of my food pyramid.
Obviously being named the Most Beautiful Woman in the World by People magazine is a high honor, but I still can’t help but think that it’s a popularity contest. Jennifer has won twice. Twice! I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it, but they could at least give some other beauties a chance. Like, I saw a woman in the mall yesterday who contoured eyebrows on top of her eyebrows. She had four eyebrows. If that doesn’t deserve at least an honorable Most Beautiful mention, then I don’t know what does.