Miles Teller And His ‘Fantastic Four’ Director Almost Got Into A Slapfight

August 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Celebrity dick Miles Teller reportedly got into one of those eye-rolling bro-fights with director Josh Trank on the set of Fantastic Four. Picture two assholes bumping titties while braying such heterosexual penis insecurity standards as:

“I’ll let you have the first swing!”
“Come at me, dude! Come at me, bitch!”
“You got a problem?”
“I’d much rather be sucking you off right now.”

Ok, that last one is pretty rare but you know one of them is usually thinking it. As you’ve probably heard, Fantastic Four ended up being a fantastic failure. It didn’t just tank. It dove to the bottom of the Mariana Trench and got its face eaten off by one of those horrifying mutant fish with the curved knifey teeth that are too big for its mouth. Trank even forewarned everybody via Twitter.

Entertainment Weekly (via Yahoo) sez that Trank came to regret initially pushing for Teller (and his supposedly highball glass size-and-shaped penis) to play Reed Richards aka “Mr. Fantastic.” Various reports have Josh Trank experiencing a slow and close-to-psychotic meltdown on the set. This didn’t mix well with Teller’s potent combination of vinegar and water. Tits were uncalmed and slapped together one day. Both dared the other to swing, but none were thrown. This is unfortunate because it sounds like Miles would benefit from a blow to the face to knock the Hollywood entitlement right out of his asshole.

It’s been a rough time for me finding out that Miles Teller is a rampaging dickface. He’s a good actor when he’s not in a bullshit movie. And I find his droopy dog face sessy for some reason. But it all makes sense now. I’ve always had a sick lust for hot douchebags. Give me a beefy frat twat with a backwards baseball cap driving his Jeep shirtless and the panty pudding is real. Is there some sort of group I can attend for this? *sad face*

Check out more completely intriguing pics of Miles in NYC with girlfriend Kaleigh Sperry (but none of her alleged Miles ass tattoo unfortunately) in the gallery below.

Pics: Splash

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Programming Note And Open Post: Hosted By The Pink Queen Of Hollywood

August 17, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s a good thing that the most gorgeous creature in Hollywood and beyond, Angelyne, always demonstrates the pure definition of ladylike behavior, because if she spread open her legs while getting out of her chariot of elegance, a rhinestone-encrusted pink rainbow would’ve shot out of her precious vagine and blinded everyone with its beauty.

The porcelain spawn of a Lisa Frank pug and Aphrodite caused temperatures in L.A. to rise to scorching levels the other day when she strut her beauty through a parking lot. My guess is that Angelyne, being the charitable angel that she is, was on her way to a home for the less glamorous to teach them how to burn eyeballs with their exquisiteness by wearing Dollar Tree wedges, stunning dresses bought at a Contempo Casuals going-out-of-business sale in 2001 and feathers stolen from a flamingo.

Speaking of burning eyeballs…

I was in NYC this past weekend for a wedding (yes, I pushed the flower girl out of the way to get to the bouquet) and I figured that since I’m out here, I might as well go to the beach since it’s been a long time since I’ve blinded East Coasters by sunning my half-naked slug body while guzzling down a Bacardi Breezer hidden in a Gatorade bottle. So while I do that, J. Harvey and Allison are covering for me. I’m still posting here and there, but I’ll be back full-time on Thursday.

In the meantime, singe your eyelashes on the pink flames of perfection shooting off of Angelyne.

Pics: Splash

Hot Slut Of The Day!

August 17, 2015 / Posted by:

The sneaky black bear who tried to fool bitches by pretending it was a cat!

Okay, it didn’t try to pretend it was a cat, but it did try to use the cat door to once again get into a condo in Idaho. Doug Harder (Side note: If Doug Harder is not a porn star, then he totally let his born name go to waste) has a home in the mountains of rural Idaho, so he’s used to the creatures of the forest sniffing around his property.

According to USA Today, black bears have come to his condo looking for food before, but last week, a few of them broke in through a door on the second floor and went all reverse Goldilocks on the place. Doug came home and found that someone had eaten his food (flour, a Toblerone and brownie mix) and shat on his carpet, and that someone was a black bear. The bears came back last Thursday for some more eatin’ and poopin’ fun, but Doug had locked the second story door, so they had to find another way in. That’s when one of them stuck its head through the cat door and Doug was able to take a picture of it looking like, “Err, yes, it is I, your cat. Meow.

The bears left, but before they did, Doug managed to get another picture of one of them hanging outside.

hsotdblackbearcat1

Doug and his real pet cat better come up with a code word. Because I have a feeling that the shifty bear is checking out the cat and the next time it tries to come through Doug’s cat door, it’s going to be wearing tiny ginger cat ears and whiskers.

Pics: Facebook (For UCF and Anna)

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Birthday Sluts

August 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Robert De Niro (72)
Gracie Gold (20)
Taissa Farmiga (21)
Austin Butler (24)
Rachel Hurd-Wood (25)
Lil B (26)
Brady Corbet (27)
Bryton James (29)
Mark Salling (33)
Giuliana Rancic (41)
Donnie Wahlberg (46)
Helen McCrory (47)
David Conrad (48)
Gilby Clark (53)
Sue Hawk (54)
Sean Penn (55)
Belinda Carlisle (57)
Rick Hilton (60)
Judith Regan (62)
Kevin Rowland of Dexys Midnight Runners (62)
Martha Coolidge (69)
Larry Elison (71)
Maureen O’Hara (95)

Pic: Pacific Coast News

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Open Post: Hosted By One Of The Dudes From MTV’s Catfish Frolicking In The Ocean

August 16, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m not ashamed to admit that I watch Catfish (“Bitch, that’s the least of the shit you should be ashamed of” hissed my brain), so I was very excited when I saw these pictures of Catfish camera holder Max Joseph splashing around in Miami like a sexy salt and pepper merman. Wait, I don’t think mermen are usually that furry. Merwolf? Seabear? Whatever it is, I’m into it.

I know that Nev Schulman is supposed to be the unofficial panty soaker of the Catfish crew, but he doesn’t really do anything for me. Max Joseph, on the other hand. He’s like the backseat threesome baby of Anthony Bourdain, Andy Cohen, and a carpet sample. Plus, he knows how to operate a camera properly, which means you don’t have to worry about any unflattering FUPA shots if he decides to snap a few pictures of you while you’re crawling out of the ocean. Trust me – as someone who usually looks like Marjory the Trash Heap when I’m wet, that’s a real concern.

Here’s more of Max Joseph looking like the star of a Touch of Gray by Just For Men commercial with his wife Priscilla (such a hot name) in Miami yesterday.

Pics: Splash/INF

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Morgan Freeman’s Step-Granddaughter Was Found Stabbed To Death

August 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Well, this is some truly depressing news for a Sunday. The New York Post is reporting that Morgan Freeman’s step-granddaughter and Goddaughter (and his alleged – by the National Enquirer, of course – one-time fiance) E’Dena Hines was found stabbed to death on a sidewalk in Manhattan just before 3am on Sunday morning. Police say they found E’Dena had been stabbed multiple times when they arrived, and that her ex was standing over her body, screaming incoherently.

E’Dena was taken to Harlem Hospital, where she was pronounced dead. E’Dena was 33. The New York Post says her alleged killer was arrested and taken into custody for a psychiatric evaluation. They add that police say it’s still unclear as to why the alleged stabber snapped. Morgan Freeman has released the following statement regarding the death of his Goddaughter, which I’m sure we’ll all read in Morgan Freeman’s voice:

“The world will never know her artistry in talent, and how much she had to offer. Her friends and family were fortunate enough to have known what she meant as a person. Her star will continue to shine bright in our hearts, thoughts and prayers. May she rest in peace.”

Pic: Splash

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Taylor Swift Thinks Katy Perry Is Behind Miley Cyrus’ Recent Swipe At Her

August 16, 2015 / Posted by:

OMG don’t you just hate her? I totally hate her. Come by my locker later and we can continue to talk about how much we hate her” is no doubt what Taylor Swift thinks Katy Perry is saying to Miley Cyrus in the conversation above.

Okay so remember back to last week when Miley Cyrus ripped a hot fart in Taylor Swift’s precious direction when she told Marie Claire that the video for “Bad Blood” was a violent mess and side-eyed Tay Tay’s status as a role model? According to Hollywood Life, Tay Tay doesn’t believe for a second that those were Miley’s words, but that she was being used as a puppet for nefarious purposes by none other than her sworn enemy…KATY PERRY. Cue the thunder! Cue the lightning! Cue Katy Perry twirling the end of a pretend mustache and cackling maniacally like an old timey villain!

A source close to Taylor spilled the homemade peach sun tea to Hollywood Life, saying that the most popular girl at the popular girls table in the cafeteria is “suspicious” of Miley’s recent not-nice comments, and she’s pretty sure Katy is behind it.

“She knows Miley and Katy hang out and she knows Katy still talks so much trash about her, she knows she tries to turn people against her. She thinks Miley is just a pawn in Katy’s game, she feels sorry for her.”

Oh my god, is “I feel sorry for you” not the most passive-aggressive popular girl thing to say? I’m pretty sure it’s second only to “That’s sweet that you’re trying so hard to be like me; copying is the most sincere form of flattery.” Of course, Miley Cyrus is blissfully unaware of Tay Tay’s subtle shade, because she’s far too busy Instagramming topless night night selfies with her cat. Or maybe that’s just what she wants you to believe? It may look like a picture of a lady holding a cat, but it’s actually a subtle social media shanking directed at aspiring cat lady Taylor from Katy through Miley, right Taylor? Ooooh Katy, you evil mastermind, you.

Pic: Wenn.com

Ben Affleck Took Jennifer Garner And The Kids To Universal Studios In Orlando

August 16, 2015 / Posted by:

As you can see in the picture above, estranged spouse types Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner spent their Saturday at Universal Studios in Florida. Because nothing says “Pay no attention to that nanny over there” like working your happy family game at the happiest place on Earth. Sorry Disney, but you’ll get that happiest place title back once you set up Mickey with a liquor license, and no, Epcot doesn’t count.

But really, they were there to celebrate Ben’s 43rd birthday. Now that I think of it, maybe that’s why Ben chose Universal Studios for his birthday. Dude went for the booze. I’ve been twice (I know, I’m basically Baby Prince George), and after you watch a sweat cocktail collect in your shoes from the sweat dripping down your neck, back, pussy, and crack while waiting in the never-ending lines of The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, you’ll be ready for 10 beers. It’s bleak. It’s like a giant maze constructed to test your sanity. I once waited 4 hours to ride this thing called Harry Potter and the Forbidden Journey, which is basically where you pretend to ride a broomstick. I could have gotten high and rode a real broomstick at home! I’m a chump.

TMZ has a blurry picture of Ben and Jen and the kids strolling around Universal Studios on Saturday. One picture? And it’s blurry as hell? Maybe their regular army of paps put the directions into the GPS wrong and ended up at Gatorland instead.

UsWeekly says Ben and Jen were also joined at Universal Studios by Ben’s mom. I don’t know what kind of mom Mama Affleck is, but I would love it if she was the type who spent the whole day pestering him about Christine Ouzounian. “Ben…Ben…stop walking so fast. Listen, did you buy that nanny a Lexus or not? Ben, stop pretending you don’t hear me. I know you hear me Ben. Ben! Get back here! I gave birth to you!

Finally, Kris Jenner Gets Some Attention!

August 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Kris Jenner, Pimp Mama Hall of Famer and forever second fiddle to the perpetually attention-hungry hydra known as the Kardashian-Jenner sisters, was graciously given the cover of something called Haute Living magazine. Although if you squint hard enough (and do enough vision-altering drugs and delude yourself enough and repeat the word vogue over and over again), it almost looks like she’s on the cover of VOGUE. Good job, Kris – you’ve truly earned it!

So patient zero for the Kardashian outbreak did an interview with Haute Living, which I assume is an above-ground sister publication to Hot Living (Hell’s best-selling monthly style magazine). She also sort of looks like someone you’d find in the background of the waiting room scene in Beetlejuice, but we’ll get to that a little later. The interview is loooong, which is crazy, because you don’t really need that many words to say “YAAAAY! I’M FUCKING FAMOUS!!!!“. But Kris said a lot. She also managed to pick n’ flick a teensy-tiny booger of shade at her other kids (“Me too?” thought former sock hustler Rob Kardashian, with a twinkle of hope in his eye) while talking about her kurrent favorite child, Kourtney.

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