Back in July, The Joker’s long-lost sister Bethenny Frankel posted a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter’s Hello Kitty pajamas to Instagram, and in general, the people of the internet liked it as much as a chicken fart in a crowded elevator. And it turns out one of those people was Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Ellen Gesmer. Bethenny was back in divorce court on Thursday to continue that messy Kramer vs. Joker-faced Kramer custody battle she’s got going on with her estranged husband Jason Hoppy. According to the NY Daily News, that’s when the judge took a swipe at the premixed cocktail tycoon for being a dumb attention whore. Bless you, Judge Ellen Gesmer.
Judge Gesmer told Bethenny’s lawyer Allan Mayefsky “No more pajamas!” – which is really a lot of fun to say if you say it like Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest – to which he responded that it was done as a joke. That’s when Judge Gesmer, who’s clearly neither the one nor a Bethenny fan (but really, who was?), hissed:
“It’s not a joke. Her child is not a joke.”
Although I’m sure what she really meant to say was:
“This skinny bitch needs to STAHP!”
But Judge Gesmer really should have been more specific; “No more pajamas” just means no more pajamas. Bethenny is a thirsty attention whore, so you know it’s only a matter of time before she puts on a pair of her 4-year-old daughter’s Gap Kids jeans and posts a picture to Instagram with the caption: “OMG can u believe I can fit into my daughter’s jeans? So crazy! Who wants to see if I can fit into her bikini next?”
What Judge Gesmer should have done was covered all her bases. Instead of “No more pajamas“, she should have said: “No more pajamas, clothes, underwear, old toddler clothes, old baby clothes, or American Girl doll clothes.”
Here’s Bethenny picking her kid up from school the other day. Remember that pink and black dress! We’ll probably see it on Bethenny very soon.
No matter how much they practice, The Ebola Turkey float in this Thanksgiving’s Macy’s Parade will not be well-received. - BaconSlut
Who ya gonna call? Ghost-basters! – BernardProfitendieu
via Bro My God
Tyco’s Mommy’s Having A Baby doll from the early 90s!
In the early 90s, knocked up dolls with removable babies were the rage. One of the most popular knocked up dolls was former HSOTD, Judith The Mommy To Be, who was the “cool mom,” because she had a gorgeous wave of Aqua Net-kissed bangs and worked neck-to-toe acid wash like no other. The Mommy’s Having A Baby doll was not a cool mom. Tyco must’ve used recycled baby dolls to make Mommy’s Having A Baby, because she had a fetus face herself and if it wasn’t for that Amanda Bynes-approved dry nest of old Brit Brit weaves on her head, she’d look like a baby.
Mommy’s Having A Baby had a baby hiding in a velcro pouch underneath her dress. You pulled off her dress, pulled out her baby and she was suddenly skinny again! Bitch got the Posh special. Dim hos who had this doll as a kid and got knocked up years later were probably really, really confused on the delivery table when their doctor didn’t reach up under their hospital gown and rip off a velcro pouch with a baby in it.
This is what Mommy’s Having A Baby looked like before and after birthing out her plastic baby.
Those dead, glazed-over eyes, that hair, that dress… If Tyco has a few of these lying around in the back, they should dye her hair brown, glue a clown car to her crotch and re-market her as The Michelle Duggar Doll!
Gwen Stefani (45)
A$AP Rocky (26)
Zuleyka Rivera (27)
Ashlee Simpson (30)
Erik von Detten (32)
Seth Gabel (33)
Shannyn Sossamon (36)
Jake Shears (36)
Sean William Scott (38)
India Arie (39)
Neve Campbell (41)
Lena Headey (41)
Kevin Richardson (43)
Jimmy Ray (44)
Janel Moloney (45)
Clive Owen (50)
Tommy Lee (52)
Jack Wagner (55)
Al Sharpton (60)
Keb’ Mo’ (63)
Lindsey Buckingham (65)
Roy Horn (70)
Chubby Checker (73)
Pic: V Magazine
Yesterday, Demi Moore filled her hot tub with wine, jumped in, went under and kept drinking until she forgot that Ashton Kutcher made a baby with Mila Kunis. Jackie made the planet hiccup a few times on Tuesday night by giving birth to Kelso’s baby. We didn’t find out their daughter’s name right away and I’m guessing that’s because they played at least 500 games of Rock, Paper, Scissors to determine who got to choose the name. Ashton obviously won, because this name is completely Ashton. If you’re a fan of old timey gamblers or characters from Charmed, then you will love this name. Ashton left this note on his site tonight:
Mila and I would like to welcome to Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher to the world. May your life be filled with wonder, love, laughter, health, happiness, curiosity, and privacy.
Can you guess which one is ours, or does it really matter? All babies are cute.
Wyatt. They named their daughter Wyatt and they gave her the initials WIK. Well, I guess she can always call herself Wy as in “Wy in the FUCK did you bitches name me Wyatt?”
You know, I’m kind of for giving a girl a boy’s name and giving a boy a girl’s name. If that becomes a thing, I can totally change my name to Crystal Concepcion.
And here’s the pictures of the babies that Ashton threw up on his site. I’m tempted to say their baby is the last picture, but I’m guessing the third one is Baby WIK, because that baby looks like she just found out her name is Wyatt.
While whoring out his new book on Ellen, Mario Lopez talked about the pop star he boned in Las Vegas a few years ago:
“You also admit that you had a one-night stand with a major pop star,” DeGeneres questioned.
“Well, yeah,” Lopez confessed, confirming that the rendezvous took place in Las Vegas. “I’m trying not to give too much away without giving too much away… it was maybe six or seven years ago… eight years ago?”
The Extra host when on to add that he and his former flame are still “friendly,” but refused to answer if he had interviewed the unnamed singer in the years since they slept together.
DeGeneres went on to throw out a few names as possibilities for the woman, guessing Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Celine Dion. Lopez shot back, joking, “Barbra Streisand!” (UsWeekly)
Lance Bass? Jordan Knight? JC Chasez? Clay Aiken? Barry Manilow? Definitely Barry Manilow. Who wouldn’t get on Barry? He probably sings a few bars of “Could It Be Magic” before he busts one. Or maybe Brit Brit Spears? Mario Lopez is a suppository with dimples, but he’s an upgrade from KFed. “Rub your Cheetos clit all over that uncut Mexico chorizo!” – me to 2006 Brit Brit
Joaquin Phoenix isn’t going to be Doctor Strange after all and neither is Ethan Hawke. Marvel is back to square one. Based on Doctor Strange’s eyes in that picture above, all my votes go to STAINS for the title role! – Lainey Gossip
LeAnn Rimes is really tired of the paparazzi she calls showing up after she calls them – Celebitchy
I didn’t know SmartWater made Frapp-flavored water – Drunken Stepfather
In “Something Is Very Wrong With This Picture” news, the Texas T-Rex gave a pep talk to the University of Longhorns football team and he did it without play bongos – The Superficial
Now that Pinto Williams from The Real Housewives of Atlanta has been demoted to “friend of the housewives,” she’ll have more time to teach African American History at Harvard – Reality Tea
Beyonce’s bikini looks like some Sears grandma lingerie – WWTDD
Ten minutes after these pictures were taken, that car was taken to the car graveyard, because it had a coronary and died from being touched by the epitome of demure that is Frenchy from Rock of Love 2 - Hollywood Tuna
Jason Derulo’s dick didn’t wander, so says Jason Derulo – ICYDK
A constipated-looking Robert Downey Jr. photo bombs a knocked up Kristen Bell – Popoholic
The South Park dudes are the Donald Trump to Lorde’s Obama – Gawker
Ellen Pompeo and Chris Ivery are parents again – Popsugar
FKA Twigs and Robert Pattinson went out on a date together, but those pics are obviously Photoshopped. Where is his nose? Why does his hair look like a beanie with a dent in it? Why is his arm missing? ‘Shopped! – Just Jared
Robert Downey Jr. is the master lounger – The Berry
If Lady CaCa ever marries that hot Taylor Kinney dude, this is the dress she’ll wear – Boy Culture
Yeah, I’d hit it. I’m talking about Tony Goldwyn, not the dog, you sucio shit – SOW
What in 90s swap meet HELL is Beyonce wearing? – Moe Jackson
Panty Creamer of the Day: A wet, shirtless Joe ManJello – Celebslam
So, you’re a dog and not only have you been forced to wear a robe that looks like something The Nanny would wear, but you’re also being forcibly held by a trick who looks like a bottom-level Elizabeth Taylor circa 1985 impersonator in a dreadful Bride of Frankenstein wig that was made with crotch and butt hair pulled out of a public shower drain. Not to mention the cum bubbles coming out of her nostrils. You’re understandably mortified and before you throw yourself overboard, you want to give a facial expression that perfectly expresses the humiliation you’re feeling. This is the look you give:
Thank you for that lesson, Asia!
The sentencing hearing for Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey started at around 7am PST on Thursday, October 2, 2014 and if you’re a mess like me, you’ve been following it ever since. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. The judge dragged it out like she was getting paid by the hour. I’m pretty sure Juicy Joe and Teresa served their sentence in that court room, because three years have gone by. Happy Birthday x 3 to us all!
Well, the Space Farm Zoo in Sussex better free up some cages, because here comes Juicy Joe and Teresa. Juicy Joe will soon shove his juicy man tits into an orange jumpsuit, because a judge in Newark, NJ sentenced him to 41 months in the clink and 2 years probation for pleading guilty to wire and bankruptcy fraud. The judge also ordered him to pay $414,588.90 in restitution and Juicy Joe has to complete a booze treatment program while in the chokey. Teresa Giudice got 15 months in prison. One of them has 30 to 40 days to turn themselves in. The judge will allow them to serve staggered sentences so one of them can be at home with their 4 daughters.
I figured I had to add “LiLo“, since there are so many subtle shades in her hair that you might not have known what I was talking about. I see your subtle shade, Raven-Symoné – all of it! The subtle purple, the subtle turquoise, the subtle snot green. I see it all!
During a clip from an upcoming Oprah’s Where Are They Now (via Jezebel), Raven-Symoné – who sort of looks like if my sister’s favorite My Pretty Mermaids doll grew up and became a highi-powered attorney (aka hot) – proved that she IS the Olivia Boss Chick meme by taking a very subtle That’s So Cunty swipe at a certain attention-seeking former child star life mess while explaining to Oprah how she avoided becoming one. Raven-Symoné doesn’t name names, which would normally set me right off, because Rule No.1 of shade-throwing is that a true No-Fucks-Given Queen calls a bitch out by name. But Raven doesn’t have to come right out and say who it is, firstly because she’s Raven-Symoné and bitch writes the rules, but secondly because we all know the former child star fuck-up she’s hissing so much realness at is none other than her old roommate and friend Lindsay Lohan.
“That’s your fault boo boo. Stay in the house.” – I guess she doesn’t know that LiLo is strictly outcalls-only.
Damn, is “Raven-Symoné” French for giant cloud? Cause that bitch provided enough shade to slow global warming. And I’d say the Apricot Ashtray just got read to filth, but she’s already pretty filthy to begin with, so it doesn’t really make sense.
And speaking of staying in your house, boo boo…here’s Raven’s skanky old roommate slithering around London after a performance of Plow-The-Coke last night while wearing a fur coat she probably “found” during intermission and trying to hide her face from the people trying to take a picture of her outside a popular club. That’s your fault, booze booze!