In his desperation to show everyone how much her really loves her, Kanye has sex with all of the fat cells from Kim’s lipo treatments. – parissucksliterally
Exhibit A in Baby North’s petition for emancipation. – FunFilled
ITS NOT GAY IF THEY WEAR NUDE BODY STOCKINGS AND I WEAR A BEDAZZLED MASK MY LOVAH ARCHITECTED!!! – Blair Sylvester
THIS BARBARY SHEEP! This sheep isn’t only a natural beauty with swollen lips like Backdoor Farrah’s vulva, a ginger weave fresher than LiLo’s, gums like Sheryl Underwood and horns longer and thicker than the ones that extract from Pimp Mama Kris’ head during a sacrifice. This sheep is also a major talent. He can throw a side-eye that’ll make Lucifer change religions and when he opens his mouth to holler, he sounds like a man falling off of a cliff, or like a man screaming for mercy after eating Joanna Krupa out, or like RiRi without auto-tune. And for his grand finale, he recreates every male massage therapist’s first moment with the Travoltahole (sniff it, let out a pained holler). Finally, some real, raw talent.
Jena Malone (29)
Carly Rae Jepsen (28)
Lindsey Haun (29)
Ryan Starr (31)
Cherie Johnson (38)
Rain Phoenix (40)
Michael Strahan (42)
Ken Griffey Jr. (44)
Troy Aikman (47)
Nicollette Sheridan (50)
Cherry Jones (57)
Lorna Luft (61)
Goldie Hawn (68)
Marcy Carsey (69)
Harold Ramis (69)
Juliet Mills (72)
Marlo Thomas (76)
In case you haven’t been keeping up with the misadventures of The Difficult Brown, he recently checked into rehab, because he wanted to look good for the court after he might’ve violated his probation by allegedly punching a dude outside of a hotel in DC. E! News says that Chris Brown was kicked out of rehab two weeks later after he threw a rock through his mom’s car window when she came to visit him. Isn’t that how this piece of trash greets everyone? I’m sure his enabling ass mom will say that Fist Brown thought she was a little overheated in her car and so he broke the window to give her some air. He is always thinking of others.
Chris and his lawyer were in court today for a progress hearing in the RiRi beating case. The probation department was there and told the judge about how Chris Brown got kicked out of rehab for being Chris Brown. The judge ordered Chris back to inpatient rehab for 3 months. He can only leave rehab to do his community service hours and to fly to DC to answer to that misdemeanor assault charge. He will be tested for the bad shit while he’s in rehab. The L.A. District Attorney told the court that she’s going to keep up with the DC case and she doesn’t know if she’s going to ask for his probation to be revoked yet. After court, The Difficult Brown’s spokeswhore shat out this dry hand job of a statement:
“His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”
Baby douche steps, Fist Brown, baby douche steps. His first goal should be to not fucking punch anyone in the face and then he should focus on that other shit. But the good news is that humanity is safe from Chris Brown’s fist for at least 3 months. The bad news for everybody in rehab with him is that they have to walk around with a helmet on and tape pillow cases around his fists when he’s asleep.
And can’t we just send Chris Brown, Charlie Sheen, Sean Penn, George Zimmerman, Josh Brolin and Mel Gibson to a deserted island and let them all rage on each other? We can call it The Anger Games.
One of the things that suck about celebrities dying in their 20s is that we never get to see them become boring has-beens who record terrible Christmas albums or make a sad guest appearance as the funky grandpa on a Disney Channel shows. You can’t throw a stone without hitting a dumb girl’s Instagram picture of 29-year-old Marilyn Monroe captioned “wow, such beautiful, so sex kitten”, but honestly, if she were alive today she’d probably be doing non-movie star shit like throwing a drink in Mama Elsa’s face on The Real Housewives of Miami. You’d point to the TV and tell your kids: “Marilyn Monroe-Bernstein was a very popular movie star in the 50’s, but now she sells exquisite costume jewellery on QVC and gets into fights with other plastic-faced ladies!”
Well, thanks to HuffPo, we can stop imagining what our favourite gone-too-soon rock stars would be up to, because they have brought us a creepy gallery of courtesy of Sachs Media Group. Not only did the artists at Sachs (all of which have PTSD from looking at these unsettling pictures for too long) speculate what legendary rockstars would look like today, but also created little back stories for what each one would be up to in 2013. For example, Kurt Cobain might have “explored smaller, less commercial projects” and Bob Marley “would have been a dream partner for stars like the Fugees and Kanye West”.
I have ENDLESS thoughts on these pictures, but I know you have to get back to firing off your confetti cannon over Blair Waldorf’s engagement, so I’ll make this quick: Kurt Cobain looks like a douchebag who was charged with aggravated assault at a TGIFridays in Port Huron, MI, and Dennis Wilson looks like the drunk uncle who bails him out of jail and celebrates his release with a 6-pack of Keystone Light in the parking lot of the police station.
And it goes without saying that the very first thing I did when I saw these pics was I played the Would I Still? game. So far, the only ones I would are Future John Lennon, because he looks like a rich Harvard professor who’d be into some weird shit, and Future Keith Moon, who looks like a recently-divorced father who’s soul is so broken he’d buy you endless amounts of Red Lobster in hopes that you might give him a lazy hand job in his leased PT Cruiser (I can’t say no to those delicious cheddar bay biscuits).
Must refrain from making the easy joke that everybody has already made…. Must refrain from making the easy joke that everybody has already made…. (“This is a first.” – you)
Sylvia Browne, the psychic blossom with luscious peroxide petals and delicately drawn eyebrows, has gone off to the afterworld today at the age of 77. TMZ says that Sylvia died this morning in San Jose with her sons, her husband and the rest of her family and friends around her. No cause of death was given, but I’m sure if you call up Miss Cleo, she’ll use her “psychic abilities” to tell you what happened. Sylvia’s family left this on her Facebook page today:
World renowned spiritual teacher, psychic icon, author, and lecturer Sylvia Celeste Browne passed away at 7:10am this morning (Wednesday, November 20) at Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose, CA. Born October 19, 1936, Browne was 77 years old.
For nearly six decades, Sylvia Browne dedicated her life to helping others as a spiritual guide through private readings, past-life regressions and prayer groups that spanned the globe.
Having been called upon to assist individuals, families, and law enforcement agencies across the U.S. and Canada on criminal investigations, she worked tirelessly as an advocate for justice, receiving several commendations for the positive impact her contributions provided.
Those of us who were kids in the 90s know Sylvia Browne from watching Montel Williams after school. Sylvia had this segment called “Sylvia Browne Wednesdays” and she would answer questions from audience members. She was usually dead ass wrong, but she was entertaining. Montel gave this statement about the death of a daytime psychic queen:
“A beacon that shined for so many was extinguished today, but its brightness was relit and will now shine forever for many of us from above. I, like so many of you, lost a friend today. But, as has been for the last twenty years, she’ll always remain a part of me. My thoughts and prayers go out to Sylvia’s family in this time of loss.”
You can say what you want about Sylvia and point me toward all the websites and videos that claim she’s a fraud, a fake and a grifter, but I know we can all agree that she knew how to deliver a serious glamour shot. Don’t deny it. She was a master at the chin-on-hand pose and knew how to work the glue off of those Press-On nails.
R.I.P. Sylvia Browne.
“Pretend he’s made of pork rinds, Frapp dust, Slim Jims and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos (Note: She’s evolved)” said Brit Brit to herself as she touched mouths with a model while filming her video for “Perfume” – Lainey Gossip
Wine Spectator showed themselves as the Brangeloonies they are by naming Brangelina’s bottle of bloody Jennifer Aniston tears as the best rosé of the year – The Berry
At this point, I think we’re seeing more of Kim Kardashian’s tits than North West is – Drunken Stepfather
LeAnn Rimes looks like an evil pony who just inhaled some dirty butt (see: Eddie Cibrian) – Celebitchy
Rita Ora celebrates suffering through a near death experience by posing in a bikini for the paps – The Superficial
Juicy Joe and Teresa Guidice plead not guilty to the 8,349th fraud charge against them – Reality Tea
JoJo is giving me day-shift stripper/mob mistress glamour – Hollywood Tuna
I actually think I have that Christmas ornament that Ellen DeGeneres flipped – Towleroad
Something called an Amy Markham really wants you to see her nalgas – IDLYITW
The real story here is that the paparazzi are still following Haylie Duff around – Popoholic
Another mighty THOR baby is a’ comin’ - Just Jared
The White Witch reports for duty to the set of AHS: Coven - OMG Blog
Anna Wintour, Pimp Mama Kris, Kim Kartrashian and Kanye were all under the same roof together and the walls didn’t blow off from their throbbing egos rubbing together – Jezebel
Snow White’s knocked up and I can’t wait to see the very special episode of Maury where all the dwarves are DNA tested – HuffPo
B.COOP NIPPLES ALERT – Popsugar
Rob Ford’s Hour of Cracked Out Crackery got canceled, because people figured that if they want to see Rob Ford acting like Rob Ford they could just watch the local news – Pajiba
THIS BOTTOM OF THE SEWER COPYCAT ANGELYNE BITCH!!! – Moe Jackson
Katy Perry’s really pretentious music video for “Unconditionally” looks like it was made using leftover set pieces from The Great Gatsby and Marie Antoinette – Popbytes
A dragged up Bob Saget kind of looks like Barbara Walters – SOW
Sharon Stone >>>>>>>>>>>> Ke$hit – I’m Not Obsessed
Meg Ryan’s face is starting to settle – ICYDK
Every dance scene from Showgirls, DUH – Videogum
(Pic via Pacific Coast News)
I guess the note that was passed to me in homeroom that said that Taylor Swift is going around with Harry Styles again was a lie, because she’s supposedly going around with a different British twink who’s as delicate as a newborn ladybug resting on a white rose petal. People says that Taylor and 21-year-old British actor Douglas Booth got all canoodly and shit in the back room of a pub called The Holly Bush (which sounds like Tay Tay’s pet name for her pubes) in London on Friday night. Some source said:
“They hired the back room and were in there alone. They looked very happy [and] were just smiling and laughing just like any other customers.”
Douglas Booth was recently in that Romeo & Juliet remake with 16-year-old Hailee Steinfeld, who is one of Taylor’s best friends. Taylor was at the premiere of Romeo & Juliet a while ago and supposedly flirted with him.
I find this a little hard to believe. First of all, I don’t think he’s gay and second of all, he’s 21! That’s way too far from barely legal age for Taylor.
And Taylor would have a 16-year-old best friend. Bitch is like a 20-something high school senior who keeps flunking on purpose, because they can’t let go of being the most popular ho in school and want to stay in that bubble away from real life forever. She’s like David Arquette’s Never Been Kissed character trapped in the body of a humanized Holly Hobbie doll.
Does anyone have Robin Wright’s contact information? I’m asking because I just started eating healthy (I have such bad cheeseburger shakes, you have no idea) and I need some advice on how to stick with it. Drinking shitty kale juice 14 days in a row is nothing compared to being married to Sean Penn for 14 years; her tenacity for putting up with non-stop bullshit is inspiring. So yeah, I’d like to email her and ask if she has some kind of secret way to convince your brain not to give up and stick with something that goes against your better judgement.
Speaking of eating things (what I wouldn’t do for a Spicy McChicken right now) TMZ has a video of Sean Penn (here we go) using some pretty creative language to lose his mind on a fan. You can call Sean Penn Golden Corral, because he’s serving up an all-you-can-eat cellphone brunch buffet:
Sean Penn went nuclear on a fan in a fancy San Francisco hotel last night — threatening to jack the guy up after Sean caught him trying to sneak a cell phone pic … and TMZ has the explosive footage.
Penn was at the Lobby Bar at the St. Regis Hotel in the Financial District … when he saw a flash go off from another patron’s cell phone and realized the guy was trying to take a photo.
A witness at the bar tells TMZ … Penn bolted after the guy (who wasn’t a paparazzo) … and screamed at him, “Do we look like f**king zoo animals?”
Penn — who was in town to speak at a sales conference — also grabbed the man’s phone and slammed it to the ground.
And that’s when Sean Penn jumped into a fat suit and a pair of orange Crocs and told the fan to wash his hands for dinner, because he was going to make him “eat the phone”.
But really, that’s the best he could do? “I’ll make you eat the phone”? Sean Penn sounds like an angry dad trying not to swear as his kid goes apeshit in line at a Walmart on a Friday night. All he wants to do is scream “GET THE FUCK BACK IN THE GODDAMN SHOPPING CART, JAYDEIN” but he knows that will set in motion 12 nosy old lady types ratting him out to Walmart security. So instead, he has to settle on “Please put down that gosh-darn bag of Skittles, your actions are giving me a super-duper frowny-face.”
I didn’t think anything would be funnier than seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme calmly and seriously doing the splits on two Volvo trucks while an Enya song played, but this parody starring Channing Tatum comes close. CT took a break from filing 22 Jump Street to do a spoof of Van Damme’s Enya split. The three dollar, busted ass, polyester lace front on his head is really what makes this clip.
And I know you shameless whores who get horny for CT are watching this clip and thinking to yourself that the ending would’ve never happened if he used your mouth as a safety net.