Blake NotSoLively’s transformation into the Anthropologie Goopy Paltrow is almost complete. Soon, Preserve.us (Yes, it is still a thing that exists) will reach GOOP levels of insufferable when Blake, the future expert on all things motherhood, dribbles out articles about how to make diapers out of vintage doll clothes and how the perfect teething gel can easily be made at home using fresh Valerian root, syrup from a weeping willow, crushed bee wing powder and a drop of love. Ryan Reynolds knocked up Blake NotSoLively and she announced it on her site today by throwing up that picture taken by her brother Eric Lively (aka Carey from So Weird) and a pretentious pile of words written by someone in Team Preserve. If you’re hungover like me, keep your eyes off of that statement unless you really want to spend a piece of your day wiping barf off of your keyboard.
Preserve at its core is about family.
Family is the single word our founder, Blake built this home on. We have something for men, for women, for the old, but we realized, we don’t have anything for the new. With family on our mind, we looked to the origin of it all—to the women in our lives who are right there, at that special moment; at the creation of family.
Today we celebrate them. With food to fill their tummies (as if that needs more filling), presents to soothe their tired (and swollen) soles, toys to warm their baby’s souls, projects to provoke them, and decorations to inspire creativity and merriment in all. We had too much fun with this. Because there’s so much to share, we break up our first ever Preserve Celebration into multiple parts. In the upcoming days we will bring even more treats and fun. The entire next month will be sprinkled with highlights for women in this exciting chapter of their lives.
Congratulations to all the expecting mothers out there.
And thank you for being a part of our Preserve family.
And so it begins….
I, for one, am into this news, because I can’t wait to see whose original nose their baby inherits and you know that kid’s name is going to be a twee disaster. I’m going with Aloisius Thistle Reynolds if it’s a boy and Lana Sitra (“artisanal” backwards) Reynolds if it’s a girl.
Hold on – why is there blonde hair behind Oprah’s back??? Is someone hiding behind her? Oh wait, it’s probably just White Oprah mining her pockets for cash while her daughter distracts her. “I already told you, if you need some more wine-money, just ask me for a second season of Lindsay!” – Oprah.
Speaking of a second season Lindsay, the biggest little train-wreck on television this side of a True Tori marathon, Lindsay Lohan believes there will be a second season. Oprah flew to London to watch the Apricot Ashtray’s performance Speed-The-Plow on Saturday, and Lindsay made sure to Instagram a picture of it as proof (apparently Lupita Nyong’o was there as well, but did take a picture with Linds, probably because she’s still recovering from the last time she met a crazy-eyed red-haired smoky-voiced attention-starved creature).
But maybe Oprah wasn’t there just to watch Lindsay maybe fuck up her lines or break the fourth wall and ask the audience if she could borrow $300. Lindsay recently told Marie Claire UK (via Celebitchy) that she and Oprah are BFBFs (best friends in bankrolled fuckery) once again and that they begin filming on the second season of Lindsay in January. Oh, and also that they might be going to Africa together.
Goopy demonstrates her new recipe for Whole Organic Pre-Revolution Ukranian Heirloom Baby Apple Sauce with Source-Harvested Bovine Probiotics. – bodytech
Cow YOU doin’? *wiggles brows* – BaconSlut
Pic: Reuters (Thanks N!)
The South Sydney Rabbitohs fan who peen bombed a live newscast!
Sorry, Folgers, but the best part of waking up is dick in your cup, so there’s no better way to start your Monday than with a floppy dick bomb. The South Sydney Rabbitohs won the National Rugby League Championship after 43 years of losing, so fans went crazy and rocked out with their cocks out. While Channel 9 reporter Tom Steinfort reported in front of a mob of partying Bunnies (that’s what Rabbitoh fans call themselves), one Bunny ran into the shot, pulled down his pants, flashed his bunny peen and did the same dick slappy dance that Chris Martin did in the middle of a McDonald’s after his conscious uncoupling from Goopy was announced.
NSFWish Warning: Blurry dick and crotch bush ahead:
That Bunny should’ve been a dick flashing consultant on Gone Girl, because that is how you properly flash some peen. Take note, Ben Affleck.
Tom Steinfort later apologized to viewers, but he’s not the one who should be spitting out apologies. The Bunny in the sleeveless white shirt at the 0:30 mark needs to apologize for committing stage 5 cock blocking.
(For Jessica and Marcus)
Jeremy Sisto (40)
Rhyon Nicole Brown (22)
Roshon Fegan (23)
Olivia Thirlby (28)
Ricky Hatton (36)
Melinda Doolittle (37)
Ioan Gruffudd (41)
Lamman Rucker (43)
Amy Jo Johnson (44)
Jacqueline Obradors (48)
Matthew Sweet (50)
Elisabeth Shue (51)
Kevin Cronin (63)
Les Moonves (65)
Britt Ekland (72)
Ellen Travolta (74)
I know what you’re thinking: there’s been far too much heart-stopping sophistication on Dlisted today. First Bruce Jenner, and now the beautiful bundle of crazy Bai Ling? Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you pull out your defibrillator and re-start your heart.
So a strange thing happened this weekend: Bai Ling was invited to walk the red carpet of the Evening Under the Stars event last night in Culver City and she didn’t flash her scorpion tail nipple tips or her no-no pocket or her skanky butt cheeks. Sure, she did pretend to pop a half-squat and pull up her dress like a 4-year-old showing you they have to make a pee-pee, but that’s practically a bashful curtsey and an air kiss in Bai Ling behavior. She’s not even dressed like a hot mess! Normally Bai would roll up to the red carpet looking like an out-of-work stripper farted on a teenage shoplifter, but Bai kept it classy and wore the sluttiest junior prom dress from DEB and a pair of $20 clearance heels from T.J. Maxx that she fancied up with some craft store glitter. Bai has never looked more elegant! With that dress and that hair, she could be the long-lost sixth member of the Muses from Hercules (you know, the one who got kicked out of the group after she kept taking off her top and trying to dry hump Hercules).
Here’s more of Bai injecting some low-budget beauty pageant whimsy directly into the red carpet last night:
Last night on Saturday Night Live, they aired a fake commercial for white people. I know what you’re thinking: MTV did it first, and it was called The Hills. But this was a fake commercial set to Train’s “Hey, Soul Sister” (which is possibly the whitest white people song ever) about how white people only have about 36 years left of being “on top”. That’s right white people, according to SNL, you only have 36 years left to go camping! And hiking! And camping! White people love camping, I guess? I honestly don’t know any white people who love camping. But I do know white people who love to get drunk on fire beers (beers you drink around a fire) and pass out in a pile of leaves. So I guess that’s a form of camping? I think that counts.
But they forgot two major things that will vanish when white people become the minority in 2050: mayonnaise and pumpkin spice lattes! White people LOVE mayo and PSL’s, and really, can you blame them? Both are delicious. But without people buying PSL’s and Costco-sized tubs of mayo, Starbucks and Hellmann’s will go bankrupt! Oh my god, and what about Whole Foods??? They’ll surely take the biggest hit in 2050. Pray 4 Whole Foods. Pray 4 kombucha. PRAY FOR UGG BOOTS! Actually…don’t pray for Ugg boots. Ugg boots don’t deserve your prayers.
Here’s the fake commercial that surely made Gwyneth Paltrow weep $900 tears last night (“Only 36 years??? But I have so many more useless luxury items to peddle to rich white ladies on GOOP before then!“):
The wind-swept hair. That youthful easy breezy CoverGirl glow. The casual gingham blouse unbuttoned just enough to reveal a hint of sun-kissed décolletage. I know that RuPaul wrote “Supermodel (Of The World)” about herself, but I’m starting to think it’s time she donated it to Bruce Jenner, since he clearly owns the title now.
But she should change the lyrics first, since you don’t have to remind Bruce that he better work – he does that shit without even trying! Proof: Bruce wasn’t even moving when this picture was taken. Heaven’s hottest earth angel doesn’t have to sashay shante to make it look like the wind is gently blowing through his feathered chestnut wings. All Bruce has to do is stand in one spot and his devastating beauty sends out an “I’m here bitch” message into the atmosphere, and the wind comes to him! And Bruce DOESN’T twirl; you only get one angle, and that’s if you’re lucky. Gazing upon Brucie’s beauty is a privilege, not a right!
But for why did the most gorgeous Kardashian decide to bless us with a sight of his ageless face and silky Breck Girl mane? Because he’s a goddamn humanitarian and our eyes were in desperate need of some high-class beauty and sophistication, that’s why! So he decided to put on a chic Land’s End blouse and a pair of diamond studs (how Hamptons of you Brucie) and join his son Brandon Jenner and Brandon’s wife at the Elton John concert in Los Angeles last night. Poor Elton; even with sunglasses on, I bet it was really hard to concentrate on playing the piano with such a shimmering jewel blinding him in the audience.
Here’s more of My Beautiful Bruce looking like the prototype for every Disney Prince ever, and proving he can still werk it Wheaties-style by hurdling over a fence. I wish there was a video of that – I wanna see Bruce’s butt in action! Oh yes honey! Must be jelly ’cause jam don’t shake!
According to TMZ, the cloud hackers took a break from releasing more of Jennifer Lawrence’s stolen nipple pics this weekend to finally gave the people what they’ve been demanding for weeks now – PICS OF FAMOUS DICKS. Except they took our request a little too literally and leaked stolen pics of Hulk Hogan’s dickhead-looking son Nick Hogan. TMZ says the photos are pretty graphic (insert cat saying NO NO NO NO NO video here), including pictures of him from high school, Nick doing some No Holds Barred moves on a couple of ladies, pics of his dick, and several pictures of (WARNING GRAB A BARF BAG) his mom Linda Hogan wearing a thong and bending over.
But getting hacked could actually be bad news bears for Nick Hogan. TMZ says a couple of the stolen high school pics feature – you guessed it – underage high school girls, which means both he and the hackers are technically in possession of what is technically child porn. Ruh roh. Of course, Nick is a dummy and he’s half denying it. He isn’t denying that the underage high school girl pics are his – he claims he’s kept almost everything that was recorded or photographed from his life. But he says the dick pics aren’t pictures of his dick.
Obviously, the silver lining is that they didn’t release any dick pics of Hulk Hogan. My eyes don’t need to see The Hulkster’s HGH-jacked overcooked jerky-looking Lil’ Hulkamaniac or his silky bandana-wrapped butter yellow pubes.
Not funny, cloud hackers! Of all the penis pics that could have been released (Jon Hamm, Joe Manjello, Jon Hamm, Christopher Meloni, or, I dunno, JON HAMM) the cloud hackers decided to kick off The Fappening 4: The Tappening by releasing stolen iCloud dick pics of Hulk Hogan’s busted sperm. I feel like at any minute, a black and white hologram of Rod Serling is going to appear behind me saying: “The desperate Dorito-dust-covered creature seen before you is Allison, a woman who just realized that when it comes to dick pics, be careful what you wish for. Because sometimes the dick pics you get aren’t the dick pics you want.” Cue the Twilight Zone neener-neener music!
After getting caught for the second time driving too damn fast and drunk out of his damn dolphin mind, the gold medal-winning DURRR-looking water baby Michael Phelps will do the backstroke all the way to rehab. TMZ says that earlier this morning, the Geico Cavemen’s athletic younger half-brother dove onto Twitter (ok, I’ll stop with the swim jokes now) to grunt out another “I so sowwy” and confess that Mama Debbie will be driving his dumb double DUI ass to the ‘hab so he can dry out (that doesn’t technically count as a swim joke, right?)