I’m sort of okay with it as long as they call it: The Girl With The BLAAAAAKE Tattoo.
The Amy Winehouse documentary Amy was a hit, so of course, studios are piggybacking off of its success to make that money. The Hollywood Reporter says that Kristen Sheridan, who directed August Rush, will write and direct an Amy Winehouse biopic. That’s everyone’s cue to step up to the mic, find the light and sing, “noooo nooo nooooo” in unison. Noomi Rapace from the original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo movie is in talks to play Amy. A greedy silver bear and a scab in a fedora are in talks to play Mitch Winehouse and Blaaaake Fielder-Civil, respectively.
Mitch Winehouse pissed all over the Amy documentary, because it made it him look like a cold fame whore. Mitch is apparently working on his own documentary about his daughter, thankyouverymuch. The Hollywood Reporter also says that the makers of the Amy Winehouse biopic are already talking to him about getting the rights to use her music. Mitch handles Amy’s estate.
Amy Winehouse died only 4 years ago, so this is all kinds of too soon. There are other biopics that need to be made! Where is that Janis Joplin biopic that’s been “in the works” for centuries? Where is the Jackie Collins biopic starring Joan Collins (it’s never too soon for a Jackie Collins biopic starring Joan Collins)? Where is the Celia Cruz biopic?! Where is the biopic about the thrilling life of Ubu the dog? But seriously, what’s really strange is that a legit movie about Amy Winehouse is going to be made before a Lifetime movie. Lifetime is seriously disappointing me. Where is their no-budget, inaccurate and badly acted Amy Winehouse movie starring Lindsay Lohan? I shouldn’t give Lifetime any ideas, because they may start shooting an Amy Winehouse movie soon and by “shooting” I mean they’ll slap a black beehive wig on Lindsay Lohan’s head, tell her to talk in a British accent and follow her around with a camera for a night.
H&M’s collaboration collection with Balmain (aka the brand that dude named Michael bought for Nicki Minaj after he ate her ass like it was a Caesar Salad) was released to the masses today and it pretty much sold out in a quick second. The website crashed and some Balmaniacs waited outside for days in front of an H&M. That crap wasn’t even cheap. One dress was $500 and leather pants were $400. But I guess there’s a lot of people out there who really want to spend hundreds of dollars to look like a spaceship hooker in an 80s B movie (or like a Kartrashian).
The truth is, that many of the crazies who went crazy while trying to get some Balmain aren’t even going to wear it. They’re trying to turn a profit by reselling it . There’s already many, many pieces on eBay and some are going for $5,000. Yeah, why buy the real Balmain when you can spend the same amount of money on the cheap H&M version? Sense: That makes a lot!
Anyway, as soon as H&M opened up their doors, wrecks tore through that bitch like they were Katniss and they were doing it for Prim. Here’s a video from an H&M in Paris. It looks like an episode of Supermarket Sweep on meth:
And here’s another one from Zagreb, Croatia.
There’s more videos here if you’re hungry for them the same way those crazies were hungry for $400 green suede biker pants. I would point and laugh at those insane messes, but as an American, I can’t. That shit is Pee Wee league compared to what goes on at 12:01am on Black Friday at ANY Walmart here.
Here I was going on and on about the baby-making bareback daddy skills of Hugh Grant, Lil’ Wayne, Jim Bob Duggar and Mel Gibson, and I have failed to give credit to Eddie Murphy’s fertile jizz fishes. It’s been more than 8 years since 54-year-old Eddie has made another kid and since then, his jizz fishes have been hitting the treadmill, doing sit-ups and eating lots of protein (does this mean they’re cannibals?) while waiting for the day they’d get another chance to knock a trick up. They recently got that chance and didn’t disappoint. Eddie’s girlfriend of around 4 years, 36-year-old Paige Butcher, is carrying their first kid together and his 9th total. That news made the California Department Of Child Support Services hire more staff.
Eddie’s rep didn’t say much. They only said this to Page Six about Eddie’s latest baby:
The couple “are pleased to announce that they are expecting a child in May,” Murphy’s rep told Page Six.
Right now, Eddie has 8 kids with 4 baby mothers including Scary Spice (remember that messiness?). I would list all of their names, but I doubt even Eddie knows them by heart. He just calls them, “Kid #1, kid #2, etc…” Eddie’s eldest is 26 and his youngest is 8. He’s also a father to two 25-year-olds and yes, they have different mothers. So back in the day, when Eddie Murphy wasn’t giving rides to transgender hookers, he was shooting bare nuts into ovaries.
And the nutsacks of Stevie Wonder and Mel Gibson are probably filled with major action right now, because their jizz fishes are hyped up and don’t want Eddie Murphy’s baby batter showing them up like this.
Seen above looking like an overused old tampon, Justin Bieber is doing the rounds to promote his new album and while talking to Billboard, the topic of his rolled-up Canadian crotch pancake came up again. Because you want to know, the Biebs said he was only joking when he claimed shrinkage and his peen in that picture is as big as it gets. The Biebs was also asked for his thoughts about what Bette Middler said. When Justin Bieber’s bootleg KFed of a daddy patted his son’s dick all proud-like in a tweet, Bette Midler tweeted this:
.@justinbieber dad tweeted he's proud of his son's penis size. I think the biggest dick in this situation is the dad who abandoned his son.
— Bette Midler (@BetteMidler) October 10, 2015
That little ass lube bubble had the AUDACITY to pull a “Harpo, who dis woman?” on the legendary Divine Miss M who has more talent and star power in one of her shit nuggets than he has in his entire being!
“This Britt Meddler,” says Justin, unintentionally mangling the stage-and-screen legend’s name. “I don’t even know who that is, honestly. I wanted to immediately say ‘Who is this lady?’, but then I’m just fueling this negativity. I do feel the photo was an invasion of my privacy. I felt super violated. My dad made light of it, but I don’t think that’s sick and twisted. It was funny. Dads are going to be dads.”
I see what Jackson Bibear is doing by wondering who “Britt Meddler” is. I didn’t know he had that kind of shade in him. I’m mildly impressed. But you know, America can use his fake ignorance to finally deport him for good. See, when non-citizens go through immigration in the US, they’re asked the usual questions, but they’re also asked what their favorite Bette Midler movie is. If their facial expression becomes one giant question mark after hearing the name Bette Middler, they’re banned forever and are dragged away by officers who put them on a plane going back to their country. We can totally deport the Biebs using the Bette Midler Law! (Just go with me on this.)
And here’s Bette Midler as a trash heap bull, or something, at her annual Hulaween party last weekend.
Yesterday, Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton’s spokeswhores let the world know that his country dick is regularly doing the two-step on her ska-pop pussy. Blake and Gwen’s reps gave the announcement to everyone a quick minute before the CMA Awards started. Gwen didn’t go to the CMAs with Blake, which is weird, because I figured they’d 69 in front of Miranda Lambert on the red carpet.
When the rumors about Gwen and Blake started, I guessed it was all just some PR for this season of The Voice. But in the back of my brain was a terrifying, nightmare-inducing thought. I wondered if Gwen and Blake decided to make the most of their union by recording a skuntry (ska + country) duet that’d liquefy our eardrums. My nightmare (partly) came to life when an “industry source” told People that Blake and Gwen wrote a country ballad together. This is really turning into The Voice fan fiction written by a middle-aged mom who watches that show religiously. “Blake’s heart, and other parts, grew bigger with every twang that come out of Gwen’s mouth.”
“It’s amazing how good she sounds on a pretty country song,” says an industry insider. “And it sure is good to hear Blake singing real country again.”
Shortly after the new season of The Voice kicked off, the duo got together to write the mid-tempo ballad. According to the insider, the song has yet to be cut and is about telling a lover to leave the relationship if that is what they truly want.
Gwen and Blake’s reps could really teach a master class in subtlety at The Learning Annex. They released a statement about those two dating right before the CMAs and now this. I’m sure that as soon as I hit the publish button on this post, People will tell us that Gwen and Blake will debut the song on The Voice LIVE next week. This is not the song I wanted out of this situation. I wanted an anger-filled song from Miranda Lambert called “Blake Shelton is a Drunk Skank.” I know, that title is also too subtle, but it’s the only thing I could think of right now.
And here’s Miranda launching a thousand “What does it mean?” blog posts by wearing Gwen Stefani circa 1999 hair at the CMAs last night.
Pics: Splash, NBC
The international Brangeloonie holiday known as Brangemas continues and at WSJ Magazine’s Innovator Awards in NYC last night, Dame St. Angie Jolie did a spot-on impersonation of an oily breadstick wrapped in a black napkin and Brad Pitt did a very good impersonation of a constipated and badly made John F. Kennedy wax figure.
Black had a slight panic attack the other night when St. Morticia Jolie showed up to an event with an actual color on her body, but it can stop deep breathing into a black paper bag, because last night she and Brad Pitt once again served up funeral home gloominess. In a few of the pictures of Brad, he looks a little pained in the face, so either he’s got the farts in a bad way or the Botox is having a hard time settling or St. Angie made the child army bathe him and the unfamiliar scent of soap is weirding him out.
Not much action in the grotto anymore at the Playboy Mansion.- pamorama_j
Sorry I can’t make it. I’m washing my hare. – Jedeva
Pic: The Chive
Seattle’s glorious gum wall!
One of my aunties worked as a housekeeper and in one of the houses she cleaned, the disgusting, sucio brat ass animal children would stick their chewed gum under the tables like they were raised by trash monsters. She’d ask them to stop, but they never did. Those children’s fingers needed a date with a cigar cutter. Well, this chewed-up gum wall is my tia’s HELL!
Wikipedia says that the gum wall at Pike Place Market was born around 1993 (“Pfft! Bitch is a newborn!” said Bubblegum Alley) when patrons of the Market Theater started sticking their gum and pennies on that shit. Workers at the Market Theater scraped off the gum twice, but they eventually said “fuck it” and let the gum wall live when officials declared the wall a tourist attraction. But later this month, it will (temporarily) be the end of a nasty ass era when all 1 million (at least) pieces of gum will be steam cleaned off. A rep for the Pike Place Market Preservation & Development Authority tells The Seattle Times that they’re getting rid of all of the layers of saliva and stickiness to save the building or something.
“It was never part of the charter or the history of the Market to have the walls covered with gum,” she said. “Gum is made of chemicals, sugar, additives. Things that aren’t good for us. I can’t imagine it’s good for brick.”
Officials aren’t declaring the wall a gum-free zone and know that it’s only a matter of time before it’s once again as sticky as a trick’s chonies after watching a Charlie Hunnam sex scene.
So if it’s always been your dream to instantly catch all kinds of diseases, you better lick that giant germ wall of doom while you still can. Or you can just make out with Miley Cyrus.
Tilda Swinton (55)
Kevin Jonas (28)
Alexa Chung (32)
Luke Hemsworth (34)
Ryan Adams (41)
Danniella Westbrook (42)
Seth Gilliam (47)
Sam Rockwell (47)
Judy Reyes (48)
Famke Janssen (51)
Andrea McArdle (52)
Tatum O’Neal (52)
Bryan Adams (56)
Mo Gaffney (57)
Robert Patrick (57)
Kris Jenner (60)
Howard McGillin (62)
Peter Noone (68)
Sam Shepard (72)
Art Garfunkel (74)
Pic: Candy Magazine
The See Jennifer Lawrence In A Bunch Of Ugly Dior Dresses Parade (aka The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 2 press tour) started in Berlin today. That dress is puckering all over the place, it gives Jennifer Lawrence cone tits and the sleeves look like they’re trying to escape, but I’m still into it, because it looks like a cheap witch costume from Once Upon a Time – Lainey Gossip
Brandi Glanville keeps it elegant by showing her black duct tape pasties – Reality Tea
Hilary Duff took a break from walking for the paps to pose for Glamour Mexico – Drunken Stepfather
Nick Loeb’s crazy frozen embryo lawsuit against Sofia Vergara hasn’t been thrown out of court yet – Celebitchy
“Since I’m in charge of his medical care, I’m going to need you to drug him up more and sew his lips shut until we finish shooting this story arc” is probably what Khloe Kartrashian told Lamar Odom’s doctors after he kicked her out of his hospital room – The Superficial
Josh Groban and Kelly Clarkson did a duet of “All I Ask Of You” from Phantom of the Opera and I was thoroughly entertained while watching the audience die and come back to life again over and over again – Towleroad
I thought this was Taylor Swift for a minute and was so confused – Hollywood Tuna
Yes, The Paps Are Still Taking Their Picture: The Kate Beckinsale Edition – Popoholic
Ashley Benson’s nipples were in Mexico – The Nip Slip
I spent 41 seconds of my life watching a dog stuff a teddy bear into a kennel and I was entertained the whole time. This is my life. – The Berry
Don’t ever try to snatch Serena Williams’ phone – Just Jared
Kendall Jenner isn’t in Taylor Swift’s squad anymore – Jezebel
Please let this mean that Bravo is doing Real Housewives of Dallas, please let this mean that Bravo is doing Real Housewives of Dallas – Starcasm
Every character on the new Star Wars posters look like they’re doing that optometry test where you have to cover one eye and read the chart – HuffPo
From the diary of a real badass: Shia LaBeouf writes about all the times he went to jail – Pajiba
ICK. NAST. – SOW