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“So THIS is the real reason why for I rose from the dead a billion years ago,” said Jesus while watching the pride of Germany Micaela Schaefer pose in a topless Easter-themed fame whore photo shoot with bunnies – Hollywood Tuna
Future Oscar-winner Vin Diesel had his hand and foot prints immortalized at Graum’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood and that’s great and everything, but when are they going to bring that ceremony into the NOW by making the dudes do peen prints too – Lainey Gossip
Kim Kartrashian is such a wonderful, caring and sympathetic sister who is not at all dead inside and void of human empathy – Celebitchy
I don’t know what this says about me, but while watching RiRi prank Jimmy Kimmel, I kept looking for morning wood – Drunken Stepfather
Will somebody please start a Kickstarter page for Christina Milian, because ho is so down and out that she can’t afford a t-shirt – Egotastic!
The streets of New Jersey are safer now that Juicy Joe’s license has been snatched away – Reality Tea
Earlier I said that the easiest way to make a shit load of money without doing much of anything is to be Kunty Karl’s pussy. I take that back. The easiest way to get cash without doing much of anything is to open up a pizza place in Indiana, tell the local news that you refuse to cater a gay wedding, watch the death threats come in, close up shop, start a GoFundMe page and begin spending the money morons send you – Towleroad
Well, Katy Perry is used to getting calls from strangers, because I’m sure John Mayer wrote her number on the wall of every men’s bar bathroom in L.A. after they broke up – IDLYITW
The starfish on Jordana Brewster’s crotch is an elegant touch – Popoholic
Deadpool is going to get an R-rating. Okay, but does that mean Ryan Reynolds is going to show his dick in it or no? – The Superficial
Jessica Simpson’s brand brought in $1 billion last year and I’d tell her to celebrate by getting plastered but she probably already is – Jezebel
For the thirsty hos who have it for Nick Jonas: Here’s a quarter of his nalgas – OMG Blog
Expect thousands of Cumberbitches to go to their doctor with major yeast infection problems, because you know they’re all going to fuck this chocolate statue repeatedly – SOW
This might be John Legend’s greatest gig ever. He can retire now. – The Berry
The moment a Price Is Right model starts crying because her ass knows she screwed up and will have to go back modeling for the JcPenney catalog – Popsugar
Giuliana Rancic says that her and her husband’s surrogate miscarried their last embryo – ICYDK
House of Cards will be back next year – HuffPo
Here’s the trailer for the Amy Winehouse documentary and it’s missing a scene where she screams “BLAAAAAAKE” out the window – Pajiba
If you need a soundtrack to go along with that pic, here you go:
I didn’t think I’d spend a piece of my day writing about outdoor panda porn, but here we are. Lu Lu, a dude panda at the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre in China, can’t open the Tinder app today without risking his phone blowing up, because every lady panda is probably hitting him up after seeing the marathon fuck show he and his lady panda friend Zhen Zhen threw down the other day. The Daily Mail (who else?) says that Lu Lu earned the nickname “The Enduring Brother” after he and Lu Lu did it doggy-style (which will soon be renamed “panda-style”) for 7 minutes and 45 seconds in front of everyone. Sucio kinky pandas!
Not only is that a new record for the Sichuan Giant Panda Research Centre, but it’s probably a new record for all living things. Who fucks for more than 7 minutes at a time? Even Sting is lying. Whenever someone tells me they got it on for hours, I throw them an eye roll and say that the 5 hours they spent post-sex watching Golden Girls episodes while cuddling doesn’t count, bitch.
And in case you’re weird and are wondering, here’s what Zhen Zhen’s “in heat” face looks like:
A lady panda’s “in heat” face is the same face I make when the server at IHOP tells me they ran out of crepes.
Hollywood committed a highly illegal sin in 1995 when Full House went off the air and they didn’t immediately give the show’s only major star Kimmy Gibbler her own spin-off show where she goes off to NYC and works as a nanny for a gold-plated rich bitch and moves in with a future Broadway star who is obsessed with Cats (they didn’t have Lion King on Broadway then). They could’ve called it The Unbreakable Kimmy Gibbler. They fucked up majorly, but they have finally righted that wrong.
TVLine says that Full House has joined the really long list of shows being rebooted. Netflix is expected to order 13 episodes of Fuller House, which will star Andrea Barber as KIMMY GIBBLER!!! and Candace Cameron Bure as that whiny character nobody cares about. Some of the other Full Housers will guest star on that shit and John Stamos is going to get an executive producer credit.
Fellow Full House vets John Stamos, Bob Saget and Dave Coulier are being eyed to make guest appearances, with Stamos having a producer role, as well. The project is being shepherded by the original show’s creator, Jeff Franklin, who will exec-produce alongside Thomas L. Miller and Robert L. Boyett (both of whom also EP’d the original).
Here’s my prediction for Fuller House:
Kimmy Gibbler is the richest person in San Francisco who made her fortune from reinventing the scrunchie. She bought the Tanner’s house and let them all move back in because she felt sorry for their broke asses.
DJ Tanner married Steve, but only a few months into the marriage she realized that she can’t stop lying to herself. She came out as a lesbian, quit her job as an administrative assistant at a low-level PR company and now devotes her time to being a pro-marriage equality activist and feminist. (Dear writers, please do this to Candace Cameron Bure.)
Stephanie Tanner runs a meth lab in the basement without Kimmy Gibbler knowing and she uses Mr. Bear to smuggle the bad shit across the boarder into Canada.
Michelle died, but her ghost still haunts the Tanner house. If the Olsens guest star, this the only way to explain their current day appearance.
Kunty Karl has obviously never met the true inspiration for elegance Shauna Sand. But that’s another conversation for him and me to have while I’m filing his claws as one of his slaves in Hell.
Karl Lagerfeld was recently in NYC to present his Paris-Salzburg collection (Whatever that means!) and he let The Cut into his tomb at The Mercer Hotel to talk about it, but he didn’t really want to talk about that or himself or inspiration or books or TV or movies. The only thing Kunty Karl really wanted to talk about was the only living thing on this planet who is safe from him sucking the life out of them when the evil inside him needs refueling. Karl only wanted to talk about his precious pussy Choupette Lagerfeld. Karl calls Choupette the “most famous cat in the world,” but again, he obviously lives in an ass bubble of ignorance where he doesn’t know who Shauna Sand or Grumpy Cat is.
After pushing out some truly stinky made-for-tv dookies recently (yes, I’m looking at all of you, but mostly The Brittany Murphy Story), Lifetime has finally made something that won’t be a giant pile of embarrassment. I know, they had such a high bar to clear after Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig have made a movie together for Lifetime called A Deadly Adoption, a dramatic thriller about a successful couple who let a pregnant woman live in their house in hopes that she’ll give them her baby. Obviously Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig play the couple, and the pregnant woman is played by 90210′s Jessica Lowndes.
The two-hour movie, which was filmed in secret a little while ago, has been described as “campy and fun and a contemporary wink at the genre” and will air sometime in the summer. Will Ferrell is apparently a huge fan of Lifetime movies and has wanted to make a fake Lifetime movie for a while, and A Deadly Adoption will coincide with the 25th anniversary of Lifetime’s TV movie business.
Well, that’s just about the best damn news I’ve heard all week. The only way A Deadly Adoption could get any better is if the small town police officer (it’s always in a small town and there’s always a police officer) who just knows something’s not right about Will and Kristen’s characters was played by Lifetime legend Valerie Bertinelli and the fetus in the ultrasound picture was played by Tori Spelling.
UPDATE from Michael: Will Ferrell tells Deadline that they’ve decided to scrap it and not air it, because it was supposed to be on the SHUSH and they’re sad that it was made public. The Internet ruined it all! But The Wrap says that isn’t so. They think that Will’s statement to Deadline might be a ploy to trick everyone. The future masterpiece will still air, apparently. Okay, well if it’s not a ploy and they really are scrapping plans to air it, can Lifetime please show the classic Maternal Instincts starring Delta Burke in its place?
Here’s the lock for Best Actress in a TV Move at the 2016 Emmys strolling through LAX last week. Is it just me, or is Kristen Wiig giving off funhouse mirror Ashlee Simpson vibes?
Feel free to make a “giant feet” joke here. During a recent interview with Yahoo! Style, legendary summer-eyed tramp and current aspiring iTunes jockey Paris Hilton was asked about her former assistant and current filler enthusiast Kim Kardashian, specifically if she feels in any way responsible for unleashing Kim and her horrible family upon humanity. Ok, technically the question was if she thought her career paved the way for Kim’s and what she thought about the idea that the Kardashians would not exist if it weren’t for Paris Hilton. But let’s be honest – that’s just the churched up version of what I said.
Rather than listening to her conscience, which was no doubt screaming “YOU OWE THE WORLD AN APOLOGY!” into her ear, Paris answered:
“We’ve known each other since we were little girls. We’ve always been friends. It’s nice to inspire people. So yeah, I’m really proud of her and what she’s done.”
I don’t know if Paris Hilton’s single working brain cell is smart enough to know how to throw shade, but something about that “It’s nice to inspire people” line made me put away my SPF and grab a sweater. Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but that sounded like Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery‘s cuntier sister.
Paris also said some shit about her future baby (literally every one of her ovums just started trembling with fear that they might be chosen for the real life Hunger Games that is growing into a baby that would have to call Paris Hilton “Mom”) and that she wants to name it London, regardless of whether it’s a boy or a girl. First Lindsay Lohan, now this? Poor London. What did London ever do to deserve being associated with such trash?
Speaking of Paris Hilton’s former fame whore apprentice, here’s Kim taking her kid to the movies last week. I love that every time we see North West, it looks like she’s scanning the area for an escape route. “Eh, none this time. Rats.”
All the way back in the olden days of 2013, Mia Farrow casually said in a Vanity Fair profile that it’s possible that her son Ronan Farrow was made with Frank Sinatra’s blue-eyed jizz fish. Ronan joked about it, but never denied it and who can blame him? If Woody Allen was your father, you would want everyone to think that anyone and anything (examples: a fly nibbling on a roadkill carcass, a cut-short turd out of a hyena’s ass, KFed) except for Woody Allen could be your dad. Frank Sinatra’s widow wasn’t buying it and publicly shat on that rumor. Now almost two years later, Frank Sinatra’s youngest child Tina Sinatra is saying that it’s impossible for Ronan Farrow to be her half-brother. Maury Povich just shuffled off to a corner and melted into a mound of woe, because he’s always wanted to say the words “Frank Sinatra IS the father.”
After almost four years together, the Madewell version of Robsten (I’m sure my inbox is filling up with “Subject: YOU SKANK BITCH” emails courtesy of those last few die-hard Twihards for that one) might be calling it quits. According to Star (via Hollywood Life), 26-year-old Emma Stone and 31-year-old Andrew Garfield are taking a break from each other. I know, if Spider Man and Spider Man’s girlfriend can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?
Even though they seemed like a match made in pap-shaming heaven, a source (a gossipy mouse that lives in Andrew Garfield’s beard) says they’ve been drifting apart for a while now. The source also says that when Andrew blamed being a no-show at the Golden Globes and the Oscars on filming, he was being a lie-telling liar:
“Yes, Andrew was filming but he could have gotten away if he really wanted to. The fact was, neither one of them wanted to plaster on a smile and pretend everything was OK when it wasn’t.”
Currently they’re “taking some time apart to figure things out”, but anyone who has ever tried going on a break knows that a “break” is usually the fart that leads to a dump, so we’ll see what happens. In the mean time, you might want to set up a makeshift prayer shrine using a bunch of red headed Blythe dolls and a Garfield candle (everyone has one of those, right?) just in case. I mean, any excuse to pull out that exquisite Garfield candle, right?
I’ll wait here as you sprinkle ice water on your piping hot b-hole which is probably throbbing after looking at those frosted tips in Jeremy Renner’s hair.
Hawkeye and his wife of approximately forty five seconds (10 months to be exact) Sonni Pacheco can put their earrings back on, take off all their rings and wipe the Vaseline off of their mugs, because their custody throw down is over. Jeremy and Sonni’s custody tussle never got to Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of crazy, but his “roommate” did accuse her of being a drunk, shitty mom who did coke on vacation once (“Once? What is she a nun?” – White Oprah) and she said Jeremy’s house was a baby death trap of horrors because he didn’t lock up his guns and didn’t have a gate around his pool. Jeremy’s “roommate” (Side note: Every time I type “Jeremy’s roommate,” I picture myself whispering it into the ear of a gossiping old lady during church service in the 50s) also claimed in court papers that Sonni threatened to expose “intimate videos” of Jeremy if he didn’t give her what she wants.
Those “intimate videos” won’t grace our eyeballs anytime soon, because those wrecks have settled their fight. People says that Jeremy must pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Their daughter Ava will spend half of the time at her mom’s house and the other half at Hawkeye’s lair. Sonni and Jeremy signed a prenup when they got married so she gets a whole lot of nothing in spousal support. Sonni wanted the prenup voided due to “fraud,” but that didn’t happen.
TMZ says that during the hearing yesterday, Sonni’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan said they had more issues to settle, to which Jeremy’s lawyer Laura Wasser rolled her eyes at before the judge dismissed the case completely.
The extremely reliable and totally accurate accounting website called Celebrity Net Worth says that Jeremy Renner’s net worth is $35 million and he’s probably going to make another mountain of money from Avengers: Age of Ultron. So I’m disgusted that he’s only giving Sonni a measly $156,000 a year for child support! $156,000 won’t even get her an entry application into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sonni deserved a lot more, because I’m sure she had to put up with a lot of shit like Tom Cruise calling at all hours of the day and night pretending to be a laundromat clerk and asking her to send him bags of Jeremy’s dirty chonies.
And I’m sure the “intimate video” that Sonni had was of Hawkeye making out and cuddling with a silicone mold of JLo’s tits, because he’s that heterosexual and he loves JLo tits that much.