This is the emergency plan pamphlet Henry Cavill was given before his one night stand with Paris Hilton. – Goopita
Sadly, men still won’t ask for directions. – Mapleleafgirl
Amal Clooney’s white gloves, the true stars of the night!
I haven’t checked yet, but I’m sure Amal Clooney’s white gloves already have their own Twitter account (UPDATE: They do) with thousands of followers, because they were the Angie Jolie’s fame whoring leg of the 2015 Golden Globes. Before I laid eyes on Amal’s low-key and subtle “foreign dignitary going to the opening night of the Vienna Opera” look, hos on my Twitter timeline were screaming “AMAL’S GLOVES! AMAL’S GLOVES!” Because people were freaking out about Amal’s gloves, I thought she had forgotten to take off the fisting gloves she wore during a little pre-Golden Globes fisting time fun with George Clooney. (Pro tip: If you’re going to get into some fisting time fun before an event, always wear gloves so your manicure doesn’t get jacked up.)
But Amal wasn’t wearing fisting gloves. She wore white formal gloves like she was going to a soiree at Downton Abbey. You could almost hear THE QUEEN herself say, “Too much, too much.” But I get while Amal wore those gloves. She didn’t want her skin to touch the skin of all of those mere mortal peasants at the Golden Globes. I’m all for someone doing themselves up like Natalie Wood in Sex and the Single Girl, but Amal should have listened to Johnnie Cochran. If the gloves don’t fit, leave them at fucking home. Her arms were swimming in those baggy ass gloves. It looked like Justin Bieber’s dick in Jon Hamm’s condom.
While on the red carpet, George told People that Amal “sewed them herself” that morning. George was clearly spitting out jokes, because those gloves clearly came straight from the House of Look At Me’s Spring 2015 collection.
Amal took off the gloves during the show, which disappointed me, because I was hoping she’d get up and do a mime show for everyone. The gloves were also nowhere to be seen during George Clooney’s lifetime achievement award speech where he continued to let us all know that Romeo and Juliet had a good run as the greatest love story in history, but he and Amal own that title now.
When George brought the eye rolls by going on about his love for Amal, I expected those hot white gloves to walk up to the stage and climb up his body to gracefully slap him back and forth in the face. They should have made themselves useful!
Tina Fey and Amy Poehler opened up the library tonight and read tricks from the beginning of their Golden Globes duologue to the very end. They started with a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” joke (cut to St. Angie Jolie crossing their names off of the VIP list at the gates of heaven) and ended with a Bill Cosby joke (at the 8:52 mark in the video above) that made every Pudding Pop melt. Tina and Amy promised Bill Cosby jokes and they didn’t disappoint. They knocked those tiny moles right off of Bill Cosby’s mug. via Buzzfeed
“In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from a tower for her prince, and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby,” Poehler joked.
But, the joke wasn’t over yet. “I don’t know if you guys saw this on the news today, but Bill Cosby has finally spoken out about the allegations against him. Cosby admitted to a reporter,” Fey said, before busting in to a Cosby impression, “‘I put the pills in the people! The people did not want the pills in them!’”
Poehler replied, “No, Tina, hey. That’s not right. That’s not right. It’s more like, ‘I got the pills in the bathrobe and I put ‘em in the people!’”
But really, the best part of their Cosby drag was the variety of responses in the audience:
No matter how you feel about those jokes, there’s a face in there that will best express how you feel. Are you a Jessica Chastain? Are you throwing a side-eye like JLo? Are you going full “LOOK AT ME” by screaming like George Clooney? Or are you making a “Not having any part of this” face like Bill Murray in the top left? On second thought, maybe Bill Murray isn’t making that face. Maybe he’s taking a nap because he knows it’s going to be a long night.
Every trick and tramp can pick it up and take their asses to In-N-Out to eat their feelings, because Heaven’s answer to Kim Kartrashian, Conchita Wurst, is at the Golden Globes and has already snatched up the Most Glamorous and Best Dressed title of the night thanks to the dress that looks like something Scarlett O’Hara would make from her drapes to go to a business meeting.
The malnourished praying mantis, Giuliana Rancic, just said on E! (no, she didn’t) that Rosamund Pike and Jennifer Lopez were seen running from the red carpet to their cars, because they laid their eyes on the glitter love child of Harald Glööckler and an ebony swan and knew that their homely asses could never compete with this bearded perfection. The Golden Globes will probably be canceled at the last minute, because after everyone sees Conchita, they will all go home to think about their style and beauty choices. But just in case it’s not, this is your Golden Globes open post for the night.
If anything fucked up happens (examples: The Alien Lizard King Benedict Cumberbatch mistakes Ghouliana for a fly and eats her or Jennifer Aniston brings on the Rapture by winning over Julianne Moore) I will throw it up tonight. If not, Allison and I will cover this mess tomorrow and we’ll probably do it from the ER while being treated for the booze poisoning we got from guzzling gallons upon gallons of the sweet nectar to deal with George Clooney’s speech which will probably last at least 4 hours, because George Clooney has a lot to say about George Clooney.
So there goes the rumors that Johnny Depp and Amber Heard are over, and that he has run into the newly single arms of his real soulmate Tim Burton while she punches herself in the face for spending the last two years sucking the fromage off of his peen and the only thing she’s got to show for it is a stupid role in Magic Mike XXL!
Last month, People said that Amber Heard and Johnny Depp were having problems, but last night at The Art of Elysium’s 8th Annual Heaven Gala in L.A., they killed all those rumors with a kiss. Nothing will say, “We’re together and in love,” like a kiss that looks like a mama bird passing a sardine to a baby bird. Johnny and Amber looked about as happy as pug puppies in a ball pit, and of course I mean the opposite of that. Johnny Deep is making the same miserable face you make when you’re waiting at the DMV with number 189 in your hand and they just called number 23. While he looks about as happy as John Travolta with a face full of snatch, Amber is face fucking the camera.
They look like the annoyed, pissed-off old millionaire and the gold digging beauty pageant queen he’s been forced to marry because he knocked her ass up. What I’m saying is, this is the look.
Grand master STUNT QUEEN Beyonce squirted up this picture on Instagram today and it’s got a lot of hos wondering if in a few months, the ground of the planet will once again be blessed by the toes of another deity. Beyonce didn’t put up a caption with this picture, because if threw up something like #JustStuntinAsUsual, her sand baby bump wouldn’t become a #1 trending topic on Twitter in all countries and every major news outlet wouldn’t break into their regularly scheduled programming to discuss this very important global news!
What does it all mean?! Is Beyonce letting everyone know that she really is the troll of all trolls by giving birth to a giant, sandy stunt on Instagram? Or are we about to get a second performance from her Tempur-Pedic pillow bump and months and months of surrogate rumors? Who knows! But if this is Beyonce’s way of announcing that she’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES, then I guess she’s also announcing that she’s got one tit and elephantitis of the shoulder.
Personally, I think Beyonce is just taking the attention away from Jesus on his day and is giving the Beyhive something to rabidly buzz over. I don’t think Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up the same way your old high school friend would announce their pregnancy on Facebook. I refuse to believe that Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up without a full crew, a team of choreographers, costume changes and a six figure budget.
If she and Jay-Z really are expecting another baby that they’ll probably name Fuchsia Fern Carter, then we’ll really know. When they’re about to announce the winner of the last award at the Golden Globes tonight, the lights will flicker, the room will shake, the ceiling will open up and Beyonce will descend from the sky with a gold-painted bump while dancers dressed like gold storks spell out the words “It’s A BeyBy” with letter sparklers. No, the Golden Globes is ONLY watched by 20 million people. She’ll do it at the Oscars.
The angels up in heaven got a dose of random today when prolific character actor and comedian Taylor Negron walked through the gates while holding Swedish glamour icon and sex symbol Anita Ekberg.
Last night, Chuck Negron, lead singer of Three Dog Night, said in a sad YouTube video that his cousin, Taylor Negron, had died at the young age of 57 while surrounded by his family. Taylor died after a long bout with cancer. So let’s all lube up our vocal cords with a little WD-40, so we can scream out, “FUCK CANCER,” until out tonsils shrivel up.
Deadline says that Taylor started doing stand-up at The Comedy Store when he was still in high school. He later trained with Lee Strasberg and was lucky enough to intern with Lucille Ball when she was 68 and he was just 19. Taylor’s career lasted for four decades and he’s got over 100 acting credits to his name. Taylor has been in pretty much everything and it feels like every other movie I watched in the 80s and 90s, he was in. When people see his face, they probably either scream, “It’s the Pizza Guy from Fast Times” or “It’s the hot blond villain with Vidal Sassoon hair from The Last Boy Scout!”
Taylor was also in Better Off Dead.., Easy Money, River’s Edge, Bio-Dome, One Crazy Summer, Angels in the Outfield, , The Aristocrats, the entertaining train wreck Nothing But Trouble and on and on. On TV, he taught us all how to really say “tomato sawce” as Elaine’s hairdresser and guest-starred in every single television show in history including E.R, Reno 911 and Curb Your Enthusiasm.
And I’d like to believe that as soon as Taylor got to heaven, he looked around and said:
Goldie Gold from the early 80s cartoon Goldie Gold and Action Jack!
Since today is the annual Watch Actors Get Plastered While Getting Plastered Ourselves Gala (aka the Golden Globes), I wanted to do a Golden Globes-themed HSOTD and Goldie Gold has “gold” in her name TWICE, so she’s close enough.
While researching yesterday’s highly important HSOTD, Mayda Munny, I was reminded about the glorious Goldie Gold. Goldie Gold was Richie Rich’s cousin who was a million times richer, a million times more adventurous and had a million times more charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Goldie Gold was a teenage millionaireness (I know, she must be a teenager in Lorde years since she doesn’t look a day under 35. I blame that bad Botox and Michael Jackson-like nose job) who owned a newspaper called the Gold Street Journal. Along with her trusty dog friend Nugget and one of her reporters, Action Jack, she traveled the world in search of stories for her newspaper.
Goldie Gold was like Lara Croft, Inspector Gadget, the entire Scooby Doo gang and Loni Anderson rolled into one. The Goldie Gold and Action Jack (which sounds like the name of two semi-popular porn stars from the 70s) Saturday morning cartoon premiered in 1981 and it lasted for only five seconds. It ended after 13 episodes. I didn’t watch Goldie Gold and Action Jack until I was in my 20s. Some dude I was dating at the time bought all 13 episodes on eBay and we watched a few while getting drunk on Bacardi and pineapple Shasta, which is the only way to watch Goldie Gold and Action Jack.
I don’t know why Goldie Gold never became as big as Richie Rich. The world just wasn’t ready for a glamorous, yellow-haired adventurer with a Voldemort nose.
Naomi Judd (69)
Cody Simpson (18)
Lil Twist (22)
Jason Wahler (28)
Nadia Turner (38)
Rockmond Dunbar (42)
Amanda Peet (43)
Marc Blucas (43)
Mary J. Blige (44)
Tom Rowlands of The Chemicals Brothers (44)
Kyle Richards (46)
Yolanda Foster (51)
Kim Coles (53)
Vicki Peterson (57)
Alfonso Arau (83)
It’s been so long since I’ve seen Miley Cyrus wearing actual clothing, that I honestly keep waiting for this picture to turn into a gif where she rips off her pants and jacket to reveal two winky-face emojis covering her nipples and a Take Me To Your Dealer weed alien sticker slapped onto her rodent reproductive business.
The reason for why Miley was dressed in clothing was because she was attending the W Magazine Shooting Stars Exhibition in Los Angeles last night, and I guess they had a dress code or something, because for the first time in a long time, Miley didn’t look like an amateur chipmunk stripper. I actually really like Miley in that white jumpsuit; she looks like a short-haired shih tzu in a Petco Elvis costume. She also looks like what I imagine one of Liberace’s sperms would look like under a microscope. And if they ever remake Cinderella and set it in an EDM club in Ibiza, Miley would make a great fairy coke mother.
Here’s more of Miley at W Magazine’s Shooting Stars Exhibition last night, and speaking of stars, I’ve also included a few pictures of celestial goddess Bai Ling. That actually might explain why Miley was so covered up last night; she knew Bai Ling would be there dripping in perpetually-horny half-naked glamour, and knew she just couldn’t compete.