Sara X, model and classic music titty dancer.
When Mozart wrote Eine kleine Nachtmusik in 1787, he looked at the musical notes he had written on paper, put his troll doll pencil topper in his mouth (they had those back then, right?) and thought to himself that his piece would be much more enchanting and artistic if it was performed while a pair of tattooed bosoms danced around. Well, the core of Chad Kroeger’s soul (yes, he’s the reincarnation of Mozart) is smiling today, because Sara X brought that dream to life. Sara X put the class in classical music in a YouTube video of her delivering a titty ballet to part of Eine kleine. The best part may be her emotionless face. Not only is she a talented chichi dancer, but she does a spot-on impersonation of Kristen Stewart’s acting.
Sara X says that no invisible strings or tickery was used to make her tits wiggle. When some hos screamed, “FAKE!”, she let it be known on Facebook (via HuffPo) that if they’re screaming that about her tits, then they’re right, but they’re not right if they’re screaming that about her talent.
The number of people saying this video is fake is flattering, am I really that good?! There are these very elaborate theories about wires running under my boobs and people behind curtains pulling the strings of my top… Let me assure you, while my boobs are very fake, the video is very real. I am flexing my pectoral muscles and it’s moving my implants.”
We”ll know for sure if Sara’s tit twerking is for real when she closes the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra season alongside Butt-hoven.
Karyn White (49)
Lourdes Maria Ciccone Leon (18)
Mia Wasikowska (25)
Max Thieriot (26)
Pia Toscano (26)
Jay Pharoah (27)
Ben Whishaw (34)
Stacy Keibler (35)
Natalie Maines (40)
Jon Seda (44)
Steve Coogan (49)
Lori Petty (51)
Isaac Mizrahi (53)
Thomas Dolby (56)
Greg Evigan (61)
Harry Anderson (62)
Joey Travolta (64)
Justin Hayward (68)
Udo Kier (70)
Cliff Richard (74)
Ralph Lauren (75)
Melba Montgomery (76)
Roger Moore (87)
Well, I guess George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin’s circus extravaganza of a wedding was only a preview of what’s to come, because it looks like their entire life is going to be like the end of Sunset Blvd. Cameras! Flashes! Glamour! Flashes!
People says that Amal is going by “Amal Clooney” professionally and now the 2 people on the planet who didn’t see her in a wedding dress next to George Clooney on the cover of every magazine will see her last name and know that she must be married to huge Hollywood star George Clooney. I, for one, hate that Amal changed her name. Because if skinny fat gays ever become in demand in the gay porn world, I was going to change “careers” and go by the porn name Anal Clooney. And now I can’t thanks to Amal’s ass.
The future First Lady to George Clooney’s future President went back to work in Athens, Greece today and when she showed up to her hotel, dozens of photographers and “fans” screamed for her. What? Dozens of photographers and fans don’t line your walkway and scream for you when you come home after a day of work? As Amal sashayed down the stroll to her hotel and smiled at her adoring subjects, you could practically hear her say to herself, “Click! Flash! Wow! Bang! Wink! Smack! Fornarina!”
Amal is in Athens to meet with officials from the Greek government to talk about what their legal options are for trying to get back a collection of classic Greek sculptures called the Parthenon Marbles from the British Museum in London. A British diplomat named Thomas Bruce ALLEGEDLY stole them from the Acropolis more than 200 years ago and Greece wants them back. Are we sure the Marbles snatcher’s full name is Thomas Bruce? Are we sure his full name isn’t Thomas Bruce Lohan? Anyway, who cares about all that legal boring stuff when our new Jackie O is in Greece! I’m sure that if Amal’s firm represents Greece and the case goes to trial, the judge will immediately declare her side the winner before saying, “Okay, now that we got that stuff out of the way, what’s Matt Damon like?”
In Iris Chacon was robbed AGAIN news, Esquire named Penelope Cruz their “Sexiest Woman Alive” in the year 2014. Yes, in the year 2014. That’s nice and everything but why did they use an overly Photoshopped picture of Lea Michele and Tweety Bird’s love child? Why didn’t they just use a picture of Penelope Cruz? - Celebitchy
The good thing about Colin Farrell’s greasy hipster Eddie Munster hair is that if you wring it out, you can get at least 2 cups of pussy lube out of it – Lainey Gossip
I was going to make a Justin Bieber joke here, but Justin’s tits are way bigger than that – Drunken Stepfather
Snooki gives a tour of the house that being a drunken, trashy mess bought her. But I’m not sure if that’s really Snooki’s Casa de Ewok, because I don’t see a pickle vault – Reality Tea
John Cleese thinks Taylor Swift’s pussy looks damaged – The Superficial
The person who took a Photoshop tool to CoCo’s hungry, hungry camel toe should be tried and jailed for vandalizing a national monument – WWTDD
Some dude from Kingdom showed off his muscled nalgas and surprisingly it wasn’t Nick Jonas - OMG Blog
Doogie Howser calls his own coming out the “Gay-tsburg Address” and I Abraham LinCAN’T with that shit – Towleroad
If you’ve been tossing and turning all night and haven’t slept in days because you’ve been waiting to hear The Difficult Brown’s thoughts on Ebola, you can finally get some mimi times tonight, because the douche has spoken – IDLYITW
Kristen Stewart and her rumored partner in pussy roam the streets of L.A. looking like hipster hobos whose hair was eaten by rats as they lay passed out under a park bench – Popoholic
Vanessa Hudgens looks like Poison Ivy at junior prom – Hollywood Tuna
More like manscaping wins! – The Berry
Taylor Swift doesn’t know if she wants to bring kids into her paparazzi-filled world and somewhere Olivia Benson is thinking to herself, “Oh but you’ll bring cats into it, you bitch?” – ICYDK
Professional humor ranter Louis CK humor rants about ISIS – Pajiba
If Tank Girl got addicted to snorting paint chips and supported her habit by go-go dancing at bottom tier raves – Egotastic!
Okay, but when did Bruce Jenner become a Fox News commentator? – Jezebel
Josh Groban has a singing voice that sounds like the echoes of a dozen tenor angels orgasming in a hallowed hall of heaven and he’s funny on Twatter, so I can understand why Kat Dennings is getting on that. Kat Dennings was in Big Momma’s House 2 (the crown jewel of her career!) and her magnificent chichis look like the memory foam clouds that the angels lay their heads on every night in heaven, so I can understand why Josh Groban is getting on that.
At last night’s Carousel of Hope Ball in Beverly Hills, GroNing made their first public appearance as a couple and let everyone know that Earth is now a place where Kat Dennings and Josh Groban are rubbing on each other’s naked bodies. Kat was dating that hot piece Nick Zano as of May, but they’re obviously over. Josh Groban humped on January Jones for a few years and if Kat didn’t know that, she now knows the answer to the question she asked herself the first time she saw his parts: “Why does he have a frostbite scar on the tip of his peen?”
Some source tells UsWeekly that Kat and Josh are brand new and they’re just having fun for right now. Kat Instagramm’d a picture of the two of them last night and threw up the words “I ship it” with it. Josh also Instagramm’d a picture of them and threw up the words “I ship it too” with it. I just shipp’d in my mouth over how syrupy these two love sick whores are being.
And now I have the image of Josh Groban motorboating Kat Dennings’ chichis while singing “You Raise Me Up” as he raises up if you know what I mean.
Last week, when Goopy Paltrow was surgically attaching her tongue to President Obama’s b-hole lips while creaming over him at the Democratic National Committee Fundraiser she threw at her house in Brentwood, Martha Stewart was probably in the kitchen pissing into the Dom Perignon, kumquat and lemongrass punch. Next to cuddling with the Terry Richardson needlepoint pillow she made herself, screwing with Goopy Paltrow has become Martha’s new favorite “good thing.”
The Grande Dame of the Cell Block started throwing side-eyes at Goopy Paltrow last year when she said that she’s the one who started the whole lifestyle thing and she thinks it’s “fine” that Goopy wants to get into the lifestyle game. Martha basically patted little Goopy on the head while saying under her breath, “Good luck, amateur bitch.” But the condescending pats on the head turned into a straight up shank to the face when she recently said that Goopy needs to shut her thin spaghetti lips and stop trying to be the next Martha Stewart. Goopy said she was “psyched” that Martha sees her as competition.
Well, the anti-GOOP hits keep coming and Martha came for Goopy again by making fun of the Eye Roll Hall of Fame-winning “conscious uncoupling” statement she shat up after the last broken pieces of her marriage were sucked up into the colonic machine.
HuffPo points out that in the November issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha kicked at Goopy’s culito with this:
If you can’t read that third degree burn to the right ass cheek, here’s what it says:
Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I’ll have what they’re having. Our holiday pies honor such so there’s a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.
I also don’t think it’s a coincidence that the pie looks like a big plop of POOP on top of a piece of burnt, shredded cardboard. The POOP represents what Martha thinks of GOOP and the piece of burnt, shredded cardboard represents Goopy’s personality.
Some might think that Martha is being petty and immature, because she is Martha Stewart and Goopy is a lesser who should be as significant to her a soggy saltine. To which I say, shush the fuck up. Who cares if this is petty and immature. It’s highly entertaining. Appreciate the shade, don’t question the shade. Come sit with us in the peasant section and scream “SCALP THAT TRICK!” while watching two rich, pretentious blondies go at it.
Prison really did Martha good.
This Open Post is going up really, really early, because Allison is out this week and apparently, so is my brain (“This is totally new information!” – you with a sarcasm filter on your mouth). I completely forgot that this morning I have a doctor’s appointment to further investigate why an obese, burping gerbil is still stuck in my froat and refuses to leave (read: Why acid reflux is still terrorizing my insides). While I’m there, I’ll also bring up the fact that I have the memory of a dead goldfish. I’m hoping my doctor will tell me that the cure is more booze and more weed.
So I’ll be back when I’m back. For now I leave you with these pictures of the Patron Saint of Dlisted, Phoebe Price, starting off the Slut-O-Ween season right by teaching the children of the Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood how to deliver demure poses while looking like a Hot Topic scarecrow hooker. Patton Oswalt, these are for you!
Phoebe Price must’ve spent the night in and didn’t grace the paps’ lenses with her star presence, because they had to settle for taking pictures of the rapping Double Trouble action figure Iggy Azalea buying eggs at a grocery store in L.A.Iggy wasn’t having it.
The YouTube description says that Iggy and her sidekick/assistant/friend were buying eggs and frozen turkeys to stuff her ass with when they caught a paparazzo taking pictures of them. The pap claims that Iggy and her yappy Yorkie of a friend put him in a chokehold and spit on him. Iggy shouldn’t do that shit for free, because I’m sure some sucio freak out there would pay top dollar for an Australian lady rapper with a stress ball ass to choke and spit on them.
When they got to the parking lot, the pap screamed, “Do you have AIDS? Maybe I got Ebola,” because Iggy spit on him. Iggy and her friend, Scrappy Doo, screamed back at the pap and told him that they hope he has Ebola and dies. Basically, Iggy and the pap blew sweet words of love at each other.
The equally-as-crazy pap screamed at Iggy to go live in Nebraska if she doesn’t want to deal with paps. That’s my new go to response for ho’s who complain about living in L.A. “Ugh, do you know how long it took me to get from Sunset to Wilshire?” Bitch, go live in Nebraska! “Ugh, can you believe that Trader Joe’s was all out of peppermint bark?” Bitch, go live in Nebraska!
Iggy and her shrieking hyena of a friend went after the pap some more before disappearing into the night. Iggy later threw up some shit on Instagram about how she’s the Britney Spears of 2014.
You know, Iggy could’ve easily made that pap scat. She should’ve put on her “rap accent” and screamed at him, “AH’M DA RILLEST! AH’M DA BADDESS BITCH!” He would’ve dropped his camera and ran for his mommy, because Iggy is that hard.
Here’s Iggy looking like a Cirque du Soleil reject at the ACL Music Festival in Austin on Saturday.
And somewhere a child is screaming, “Abuelito, log off Twitter NOW!”
It’s been a little over a year since genitals dried all the way up and eyeball vessels burst from Geraldo Rivera giving everyone some “Pepaws with iPhones” shit by tweeting a topless selfie where his towel came dangerously close to exposing his shaved grandaddy crotch (and you know he shaves it). Well, just when genitals were starting to get moist again, Geraldo came back with a new topless tweet pic of him looking like a Wilford Brimley pin-up.
Geraldo is on vacation in Puerto Rico right now and he decided that it was a really good idea to hit the eyes of his followers with a picture of his 71-year-old nipples followed by his thoughts about yogurt (he meant Chobani, not Kobani, right?). I mean, political views should always be served with a topless selfie. Every cable news bitch should do that (hint hint, The Silver Fox). Once my eyes settled down from me scratching them out after being hit with Geraldo Rivera’s armpit fur, I saw a picture I kind of liked. Because of the ocean in the background and the way he’s leaning up against that wooden post, he looks like he’s saying, “Hey there, sailor, why don’t you come up and see me sometime?” It’s very “pier hustler glamour.”
But more importantly, would you hit it? And I don’t mean with a flying chair.
(Thanks to Al R. for sending this in. Thanks.)
Kinda sad that they didn’t go deep enough when they buried Uncle Milty. - Vernicious
bone henge – naptowngirl