Rock ‘n roll legend and music pioneer Chuck Berry died at his home near Wentzille, Missouri yesterday. The St. Charles County Police Department said that it responded to a medical emergency at his home and he was later declared dead after paramedics were unable to save him. He was 90.
The Little Professor!
If yesterday’s HSOTD, the Echo Mini Piano, turned chirrun into a master pianist, then The Little Professor turned every kid who played with it into Sir Isaac Fucking Newton! Texas Instruments, who later gifted the world with Speak & Spell, released The Little Professor in 1976, and it was apparently the first electronic education toy. If you played with one of these as a kid, this is the part where you let the brats know that in your day, you used your little electronic tablet thing to actually learn shit and you didn’t use it to like a stupid Instagram post starring Kylie Jenner’s double shellacked plastic turkey or chase those Pokemons! And after you do that, turn the water hose on those kids until they get off your lawn.
Using The Little Professor was easy, you’d turn it on, choose your difficulty level and then answer the equation he spit up at you. If you got it right, you’d move on to the next one. If you got it wrong, you got two more chances to get it right. If you got it wrong after three tries, The Little Professor would pull an, “ugh, I can’t with your dumb ass,” and just give you the answer.
Texas Instruments doesn’t make The Little Professor anymore (they did put out a solar version in the early-aughts), but you can get one on eBay. There’s also a Little Professor app for Android.
I bet if I played with The Little Professor now (that sounded sexy and it didn’t mean to), I’d make him combust with my mathematical knowledge! I’d answer every single equation right the first time, and only because after he hit with me a problem, I’d say to my iPhone, “Hey, Siri, what’s 3 times 3?”
Pic: Like Totally 80s
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Philip Roth (84)
Meet Jamie Keeton, aka “The Human Suction Cup.” The 47-year-old Chicagoan has a rare skin condition that makes objects stick to him. Those objects would include “bottles, cans, phones” and “pads of paper,” according to The Huffington Post. Jamie works as a sideshow artist and describes himself as “a real-life X-man-type person.” I’d much rather see this dude in the next X-movie as opposed to overrated Jennifer Lawrence all naked and blue. No thanks.
Jamie holds a Guinness World Record for “most drink cans placed on the head using air suction” (you really can do pretty much anything to get in that thing), and can pour drinks out of bottles attached to his skin.
“Everything sticks to me as long as it’s got a hard surface that can suck to me,” Keeton told The Wizard Of Odd, a YouTube channel featuring humans doing extraordinarily weird things. “Most of the time when I’m walking around, people think the cans of glue are magnetized. … That’s why I use a lot of aluminum and plastic, so none of its magnetizable.”
You can see more of his fantastic feats of sucking below. Ok, I’ll ask it. What about when he’s getting after it with someone? Do they stick to him? That could be helpful during, but after the act might be a little awkward. “No, you’re not still in me but yes, we’re still attached. Do we have to call 911?”
Hasbro has been slowly ixnay-ing some of the classic Monopoly game pieces, because they haven’t been relevant since Monopoly debuted back in the 1930s. They recently asked the general public to vote on new pieces to introduce to the game. The votes are in, some pieces are out, and it would seem that people love representations of living creatures.
So, the Thimble is out, the Boot got booted, and the Wheelbarrow has been retired to the gardening shed. Now you can welcome the Rubber Ducky, the Penguin, and the T-Rex (no one voted for the Fleshjack?).
A whole SLEW of people cared enough to vote on this – 4.3 million people from over 146 countries, according to Vulture. Could board games be what finally brings us together again as a planet? If so, could Mrs. White (from the game Clue) having done it in the conservatory with the lead pipe bring peace to the Middle East, inspire Russia to stop hacking us, and deter the US government from falsely accusing hapless British people of wiretapping our insane president? Who knew?
If you’re not into the duck, the penguin or Matthew McConaughey, know that it could have been a lot worse.
If you think these new tokens are bad, at least the winners weren’t a winking emoji, a hashtag, or a clunky ’80s-style cellphone.
The Fleshjack wasn’t the only loser (in my mind) of the Great Monopoly Token Switch of 2017. A botox needle, a manbun, an enraged Uber driver, and a giant wall across the Mexican border were also considered and rejected (again, in my mind).
As long as they keep the racecar, I’m fine. I can recall childhood Monopoly games where bitches got slapped over the car. I think my little brother still has the handprint on his mug for daring to ask.
Kris Jenner, the Shonda Rhimes of reality television (she’s a master when it comes to plotting), is prepping for a battle with Blac Chyna.
Since Chyna and Rob Kardashian aren’t together, it was time to cue the requisite custody battle for their daughter, Dream. Chyna, one of the more prominent visitors from “the world of the pole” (thanks again, Wendy Williams), reportedly doesn’t want dual custody with the E! channel’s version of Eeyore. Speaking of Disney, People says that the prototype for every single one of their villainesses is ready to help her frumpy son get what’s his.