Night Crumbs

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

Instagram model, “actress,” and favorite of the dude blogs Emily RideAJetSki showed off the double diamond engagement ring her new husband gave her. It’s pretty if pretty to you is “two CZ stud earrings from Charming Charlie sloppily super-glued together by a half-blind dog in a rush.”Just Jared

The trailer for period piece Oscar bait Mary Queen of Scots is out, and I have one question: Why the hell does Margot Robbie’s Queen Elizabeth I look like Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter? – Lainey Gossip 

Um, okay, but Duchess Meghan still gets to do some acting, like acting like she even thinks of the basic cable show she was on while getting to hop on Prince Hot George’s freckled skin scepter every night – Celebitchy

Porsha Williams found herself a new storyline for next season of Real HouseMesses of AtlantaReality Tea

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There’s Going To Be A Game Show To Pay Off Your Student Loan Debt

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

TruTV must have looked at that tone-deaf Handmaid’s Tale wine and said to Netflix, “Hold my beer.” There’s no bigger bitch in the world than Sallie Mae, the source of many a drained bank account and who would probably rob a Girl Scout cookie collection box if it meant I’d make my payment on time. For once. Oops. Anyway, because Americans owe upwards of $1.4 million in student loans (and I’m $1.2 trillion of that), someone thought it would be a good idea to come up with a game show where people could pay their loans off. Yeah, because that sounds fun to watch. Continue reading

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Joaquin Phoenix And Rooney Mara Are Too Alternative for Marriage

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

UsWeekly has an update on the dead-eyed hipster love of Joaquin Phoenix and Rooney Mara.  A source says they are “so in love” but have no plans to marry:

“They’re never going to get married because they think marriage is too mainstream… Joaquin transforms all his girlfriends into being holistic, vegan, spiritual and into saving the world.”

BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! That’s my red-flag warning sensor going the fuck off. Joaquin “transforms” his girlfriends? I’ve always said don’t you ever change for a man. Especially one who looks like he was lost in the woods for a decade. And what the fuck is mainstream about marriage? Only half of couples even succeed at it!

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Ex-Countess LuAnn de Lesseps Is Maybe Dating Her Married Agent 

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

I guess my copy of Class With The Countess is missing the chapter saying it’s okay to bump uparts with a dude before his divorce is finalized. Ex-Countess LuAnn de Lesseps has bounced from Count Chocula (isn’t that how she got her title?) to a series of fellas, including one she was married to for just enough time to give her a central plotline on this season’s Real Housewives Of New York City. Now she’s rubbing up on a new fella, but – shocking – he isn’t exactly done with his marriage. Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By A Squirrel Eating Out Of A Condom 

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

Three things:

  1. I hate whoever took that video of a squirrel eating out of a condom.
  2. I hate myself for watching that video of a squirrel eating out of a condom.
  3. I really hate myself for posting that video of a squirrel eating out of a condom.

HuffPo says that Emily Cole, a nanny in Portland, Maine, took the kids to Ferry Beach in nearby Scarborough and had to keep the dirty truth to herself when they all saw Putter the Squirrel’s cum slut cousin eating something from a condom. Emily laughed and got grossed out as one of the kids said that it looked like the squirrel was eating out of a balloon. Emily didn’t tell them that wasn’t the kind of balloon you blow up for a party unless it’s a bachelorette party.

“I really hope one day when they’re older and wiser, their parents will tell them what it actually was they were witnessing here.”

Emily tells HuffPo that the kids’ dad laughed about it too and said that he’s going to let them believe that it’s a balloon.

The next time you bone your piece in the back of a car and think about throwing the dickmilk-filled condom out the window, think of us poor morons who can’t help but not watch a video of a stupid squirrel eating out of a rubber.

And fuck those squirrel’s friends for pulling a disgusting and dangerous prank on it by saying, “Hey, we just saw a dude bust a nut in that rubber sock over there.”

Pic: Facebook

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People Are PISSED George Lopez Pretended To Pee On Trump’s Walk Of Fame Star

July 12, 2018 / Posted by:

Much to the relief of Donald Trump, there’s a new pee pee tape floating around; alas, this one is kind of a snooze compared to his own offering of getting piddled on in Moscow to the soundtrack of Fiddler On The Roof. Allegedly. George Lopez, like much of the world-at-large, isn’t a huge fan of Trump, and decided to do something about it on Tuesday night. While he was wandering down the Hollywood Walk of Fame, George posted up by the Donald’s star and pretended to take a leak on it. Naturally, Trump stans across America really took that well. Continue reading

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