UPDATE: The drama never ends… Forget what I wrote below about Thomas Markle going to the wedding. He tells TMZ he’s not going because tomorrow morning, surgeons will open him up, clear the blockage in his heart and put in a stent. Thomas also blames his son’s handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge via InTouch Weekly (the one where his son implores PHG to not marry Megan) for his heart attack. I would say that’s that, but we know it isn’t, because we know Meghan’s shitty half-siblings are going to crash the wedding and tackle her for brainwashing their dad against them. Can’t wait!
Send thoughts, prayers, condolences and the lyrics of a Kelly Clarkson song to my toilet, because for the past couple of days, my body has been possessed by some evil stomach flu (or food poisoning) devil. It’s obvious that the British royal family sent James Bond to California to sprinkle salmonella in the fried chicken I had on Mother’s Day dinner so that I’d be too busy having an exorcism in my bathroom to write about the family drama messiness going down around the royal wedding. Yes, that makes 100% sense!
When I last wrote about the royal wedding situation that’s even messier than the current state of my insides, Thomas Markle told TMZ that he’s not walking Meghan Markle down the aisle this Saturday because he’s not going to London. Thomas Markle claimed he had a heart attack last week, but something called a “serious medical emergency” wasn’t the reason why he wasn’t going to the wedding. Thomas was embarrassed after getting caught taking staged pap pics. Now he’s telling his new best friends at TMZ that he is planning to go to the royal wedding even though his heart isn’t in it. And I’m talking about in a medical way, because he’s apparently having more heart trauma.
It would appear Amber Rose hasn’t downgraded from 21 to a 17 like we all feared. It was just yesterday that the internet thought 34-year-old Amber Rose was hooking up with 17-year-old rapper child Lil Pump. As is turns out, Amber’s heart might still be beating for her one-time love, 25-year-old rapper 21 Savage. Amber and 21 broke up back in March after about nine months of dating and several months of underwear-sniffing. Amber recently said that she doesn’t feel the same way about 21 Savage as she might some of her other ex-boyfriends. No shady booty play clap-backs here; Amber thinks 21 Savage is a great guy and admits she still loves him.
Damon Wayans has finally spoken about his now-former co-star Lethal Weapon co-star Clayne Crawford. And here’s what we know: if Hollywood gave out awards for excellence in promoting a project, Damon would have been a shoo-in to win Best at Faking It. Because now we know that any enthusiasm Damon might have had for working with Clayne was as fake as Clayne’s name.
Think you know who Lindsay Shookus is? Well think again! Lindsay gave an explosive interview to Elle magazine (titled Who Is Lindsay Shookus) and revealed that she was raised by circus clowns and that she once ate an entire Piper Cub airplane on a dare! Oh, and she’s the one who did Ben Affleck’s tattoo (she has a matching one on her sternum). These are facts I wish I’d learned reading her interview. Sadly, they are not. They are facts I made up because the truth is; Lindsay’s kind of a snooze. If that’s what you thought you knew about Lindsay Shookus, then, my bad, you were right.
It sometimes feels as though there are two schools of dressing when it comes to the couture of the Cannes Film Festival. One, wear only enough fabric not to get arrested for breaking a public indecency law. Or two, wear so much fabric, people will think you recently invested in a discount textile company. Diane Kruger showed up to Cannes wearing a whole lot of fabric, but according to Page Six, it’s because she might be trying to cover up a baby bump.
The New York Times continued to do groundbreaking work and delivered brand new thoughts when they declared that being skinny and hot is in. Someone there just saw Call Me By Your Name, because they welcomed us to the age of the twink! If only The New York Times would’ve declared it the age of the twink in the 90s. It would’ve been my time. But now I’m less of a twink and more of a smashed Ho Ho lying in the gutter that’s been nibbled at by rats.
But if you’re thinking that the age of the twink is laughable bullshit, don’t. It is very real. Case in point: Hairless Mario. He’s just a few Master Cleanses away from going full twink.