It wasn’t that long ago when a great way to move papers was just to call John Mayer and ask him to talk about life (Sexual napalm! David Duke dick! Inspiring half the Taylor Swift songbook!) or just write about his love (?) life. John would like us to all know that is John 1.0. John 2.0 is a sensitive soul who is more at home at the Women’s March than the Playboy Mansion grotto.
I had thought that Imelda Marcos was living out her golden years as nothing more than the star of a punchline about having too many shoes, but she has apparently been doing the most! She’s currently a member of the House Of Representatives in the Philippines, and was planning to run for Governor of a northern province (a seat her daughter currently holds). But she may have to put that on the back burner for now. According to NBC News, a Philippine court has just convicted her of 7 counts of “graft” (that’s a good old-fashioned government swindle) and sentenced her to 6-12 years in prison PER count for funneling $200,000 to Switzerland while she was Governor of Manila in 1970. Imelda’s 89 and unless she gets an age reduction like homeboy (or an appeal), she’s gonna die in prison.
The Crown people need to stop whatever they’re doing and immediately start shooting the current day royal years, because I really want to sit back with a cup of gin on the rocks (in honor of THE QUEEN) and get into the 100% factual scene where Meghan Markle (played by Duchess Meghan) and THE QUEEN (played by Imelda Staunton in older lady drag) tussle over a tiara as a Corgi bites at Meghan’s ankle and Prince Philip referees.
The New York Times of England known as The Sun says that THE QUEEN had to tell Prince Hot Ginge to check his ho (those are the exact words THE QUEEN used) when Meghan got mad about not being able to wear her first choice for a tiara on her wedding day. Who knew that Samantha Markle was the new editor-in-chief of The Sun? Congrats on getting an actual job, Sammy!
Viggo Mortensen is a white guy, and I think most of can agree that we live in a world where white people shouldn’t ever use the n-word in real life. But Viggo must not have realized this when he opened his mouth during a recent discussion after a Film Independent screening of his new film, Green Book. And now he’s really sorry.
Anyone who has been hungover on a Sunday the last few months and spent the day drooling on the couch watching whatever Netflix tells you will recognize Noah Centineo. The guy who seems and sounds like a mid-puberty Mark Ruffalo was the breakaway star of Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Ever Loved Before, and he even appeared in Camila Cabello’s “Havana” music video. People magazine noticed and have him in their “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. Noah was on James Corden’s Late Late Show with Busy Philipps the other night, and he said he’s single. Busy chimed in that it’s partly because he ghosted one of her friends, and – not only did it get awkward – Noah’s team is now being accused of trying to bury the evidence!
If Amelia Earhart crashed her plane onto an island ruled by a cult who considers Missy Elliott their God and they took her falling from the sky as a sign and declared her as their Pontiff, this is what she would look like.