It always tickles me when celebs get into beef with one another. I always end up thinking to myself “You’re rich. Go sit your dumb asses down somewhere!” Today’s discount beef revolves around the Queen of Fake Hair and Titties Wendy Williams’ recently leaked bikini photos from a trip to Barbados. Everyone had something to say about the photos (none of it good), but you can always count on outspoken rapper, and ménage-a-trois aficionado, T.I. to always say the most.
That tub of Muscle Milk with 3-day stubble named Joe ManJello must’ve been busy last night doing more important things (like doing pinky lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his pinky, or doing b-hole lifts to get a perfect eight pack on his b-hole, etc), because Sofia Vergara brought her son Manolo Gonzalez-Ripoll Vergara as her date to the Emmys. And while I was calling 911 to report 45-year-old Sofia Vergara for disgustingly stealing Jane Fonda’s hair look, some on the internet were turning their chonies into a Swiss Miss factory by busting sixteen tons of tapioca crotch pudding over 25-year-old Manolo.
Manolo is Sofia’s son with her first husband, Joe Gonzalez, and since the children of celebrities will shrivel up and turn to dust if they don’t do at least one modeling shoot in their lives, he models sometimes. Manolo, who gives me a touch of Latino JFK vibes, isn’t really my type. He’s too young and looks too nice. I like the grizzled types who reek of whiskey, Irish Spring and bad decisions, and who never return my texts and start putting on their shoes one second after they bust one. But the internet’s nipples are getting hard for Manolo, and since he looks like a real-life cartoon Disney prince, they’re probably trying to woo him by making friends with birds or murdering their mom.
I swear, some people on the internet are so hard-up and desperate. Those horny whores act like they’ve never seen a man befor- Wait, hold that thought, I just saw that Carrot Top posted a picture of him holding a giant rocket dick and I need to grab the canola oil (I’m out of lube).
Attention enthusiasts know that the Emmys are a tasteful affair; you’ve got to balance out your ass with some class. Thankfully, Ariel Winter showed everyone last night how to do it. Ariel came in a dress by Steven Khalil featuring not one, but two crotch-high leg slits. Angelina, who? I’m sure her dress was very expensive, so for those of you hoping to find the look for less, I would probably suggest Craigslist the day after the next AVN awards.
History was made Sunday night, and, no, it wasn’t from Leah Remini’s record-setting 800-meter clapback dash to the nearest exit when Scientologist Elisabeth Moss took home the Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series Emmy!
No awards show is complete until us, the people, raise our pitchforks and scream our nipples off over who was left out of the In Memoriam tribute. The Emmys was no exception, but the people didn’t only throw shit bombs at producers over who was left out, shit bombs were thrown over who was put in too.
Last night’s Emmy was all about roasting Trump and host Stephen Colbert was the first to grab a stick and poke the fire during his opening monologue. Seth Meyers got in a mild shot at the expense of a very old tweet. Then towards the end, Stephen Colbert surprised the audience by bringing out one of Trump’s ex-minions. No, not Scaramucci, the one that…no, not Bannon. The guy before who – you know what, there’s been too many and this could take all day. He brought out Sean Spicer.