Johnny Depp has finally caught a break, and no I’m not about to tell you the story of him cracking one of his more rotten teeth after trying to uncork a $2000 bottle of red wine with his mouth. After more than a year and a half of fighting, accusations, and rumors of ridiculous spending, Johnny has settled his lawsuit against his former business managers of The Management Group.
In “this has happened before and it will happen again and again and again and again” news, Azealia Banks is fighting with someone, but this time a taste of her own medicine has left her so sad that she’s canceled her new album.
25-year-old Younes Bendjima, the current man getting on that Kardashian gravy train, commented on an Instagram picture of 35-year-old Kourtney Kardashian where her ass was showing. No, she wasn’t taking a pic with Kris. Her actual ass was showing, which is about as scandalous as well… a Kardashian showing her ass of on Instagram. If a Kardashian tries to post a picture on IG where she’s not showing her ass, I’m pretty sure Instagram immediately labels the account as “fraudulent” and shuts it down thinking they were hacked.
Younes and Kourtney have been dating for almost two years, so he’s been knowing that Kardashian game for a while. Yet for some reason he still felt the need to write: “That’s what you need to show to get likes?” Um? What? Maybe he doesn’t actually know who he’s dating? Or who her family is? I’m… genuinely confused by the question. Would you ask McDonald’s if they have to sell fries to make money? It’s McDonald’s!
Moses, the tortoise who is desperately in love with a lawnmower!
Romeo and Juliet, Rhett and Scarlett, Jack and Rose from Titanic, and Tony and Maria from West Side Story can stop whining from beyond the grave about their doomed love affairs, because at least they were in love with another living thing. Poor Moses has it bad for a lawnmower, a lawnmower that is being kept away by a human from him, giving them only a few fleeting moments of togetherness. This story of Moses and the lawnmower is my favorite love story between a wrinkled old creature and an inanimate object since Geoffrey and Brynne Edelsten.
According to the YouTube description, whenever hot human Jimbo Creppel (who is my favorite The Beverly Hillbillies character who never was) mows the lawn, Moses goes after the lawnmower with the speed of a stoned toddler with arm and leg cramps (read: the fastest a tortoise has ever gone) and sometimes he’s lucky enough to mount his soulmate and go for a ride.
My father, Jimbo Creppel, cutting the grass in our backyard while our African Spurred Tortoise, Moses, chases him! Eventually Moses catches up sometimes and climbs on top of the lawnmower until someone moves him or he feels like moving!
Sadly, the clip posted doesn’t have a happy ending. It shows Moses desperately chasing after his lawnmower love, only to be left with a case of tortoise blue balls. This is pretty much the story of my entire sex life, so thank you for that, Moses.
And if TLC knew what the people want, it’d bring us a show called: I’m A Tortoise And I’m In Love With A Lawnmower.
Diahann Carroll (83)
Billie Lourde (26)
Summer Bishil (30)
Brandon Eaton (32)
Tom Fletcher (33)
Sarah Jones (35)
Mike Vogel (39)
Panda Bear (40)
Katharine Towne (40)
Luke Bryan (42)
Dagmara Dominczyk (42)
Elena Anaya (43)
Carey Hart (43)
Tony Dovolani (45)
Jason Clarke (50)
Beth Littleford (50)
Heather Langenkamp (54)
Mark Burnett (58)
Fern Britton (61)
Chancellor Angela Merkel (64)
David Hasselhoff (66)
Lucie Arnaz (67)
Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall (71)
Donald Sutherland (83)
Phyllis Diller (1917-2012)
Blake Shelton made clumsy hillbilly drunks everywhere proud when he fell during a show and blamed it on lots of booze. Sure, some may say that Blake getting plastered before a show is unprofessional, and to those I say, wouldn’t you rather see his hillbilly ass go boom than listen to him fart out sweet nothings about his undying love for Gwen Stefani? – SOW
I have never gotten tingly in the loins for Chris Pine until I saw him driving a wood-paneled station wagon. Chris Pine is the 80s suburban dad of my wet dreams – Lainey Gossip
Strange things are afoot at the offices of whoever is making the decision on what to do with the next Bill & Ted movie – Pajiba
And after this picture was taken, Britney Spears tried to bite her nipple thinking it was a piece of a Slim Jim that fell in there during her dinner break – Drunken Stepfather
The Alien Lizard King with Prince William hair: Would you hit it? – Celebitchy