The Grammys are on February 12, and I’m sure that the likes of Beyonce, Adele, Drake and Rihanna are all going to show up, but really, who cares about that dusty ceremony filled with has-beens and Zzzz-listers? Because next week, a bigly star-studded musical event is going to go down. The Hollywood Reporter confirms that a line-up of sparkly stars from the A-list universe have signed on to perform at Donald Trump’s pre-inauguration concert. That “line-up of sparkly stars from the A-list universe” line wasn’t wrapped in sarcasm. I only had to Google the names of like one or two performers and when it comes to Trump’s inauguration, that makes it 100% A-list!
A few days ago it was reported that Rooney Mara and Joaquin Phoenix, clearly all horny from the sexual tension that comes from playing Mary and Jesus, had hooked up while shooting Mary Magdalene together. A source claimed Rooney bailed on the Golden Globes because she was holed up in the desert with Joaquin. As it turns out, that source wasn’t being too subtle when they said Rooney and Joaquin were “holed up.” Page Six claims that one of the things they’ve been doing in the desert has been pouring juice into one hole and flushing it out through another.
A source says that Rooney and Joaquin have already entered the stage of their relationship that includes couples colonics. It’s just like what that old man from the eHarmony ads is always saying: the couple that gets their ass cavities professionally blasted with lukewarm water together, stays together. Rooney and Joaquin are reportedly spending time at the We Care Spa in Desert Hot Springs, CA. It all sounds incredibly romantic.
“They are there continuing to ‘find love,’ but also some health, as he is doing his annual pilgrimage to the spa. Joaquin and his lady love are down for some R&R, sipping juices and a few colonics…good times!”
Who knew that juice and colonics was an annual thing for Joaquin? I wonder if the spa ever tries to sell him on any other amenities. “You know, Mr. Phoenix, we also offer a colonic for your whole body. It’s called a shower. Just the colonic today? Okay.”
If Lindsay Lohan didn’t scrub her Instagram page clean and was still posting it, I would say that we should all prepare to see pics from her “mystery trip” in the Middle East, because her mom’s got serious, serious bills to pay and Dina Lohan can’t pay them herself. Are you crazy? When White Oprah even thinks of the word “job,” she breaks out into invisible hives and the only cure is a refreshing Long Island Iced tea from T.G.I. Friday’s.
Kris Jenner must be changing her Spanx every 20 minutes due to all the attention-triggered pee dribbles she’s been letting out over this week. First there were the arrests, and now there are charges. I bet she’s already contacted Ryan Murphy and asked how much he’d pay for the exclusive rights to a little script she’s thrown together called American Krime Story: Kim vs. The Jewelry Thieves. “And if you need someone to play the lead role, I’ve been told I’m a dead ringer for Kim!”
When it was first announced early last year that Joseph Fiennes was going to play Michael Jackson in some British TV thing about the rumored magical road trip that MJ, Elizabeth Taylor and Marlon Brando went on after the 9/11 attacks, there was outrage over a white actor doing blackface, err whiterface, to play MJ. But Sky Arts went through with the fuckery anyway and the result gave us the retina-burning sight of Joseph Fiennes looking like a melting white chocolate Kinder egg in a $1.99 wig.
A quick minute after Sky Arts released the trailer for Urban Myths, Michael Jackson’s daughter Paris Jackson said on Twitter that it grossed her out and left her highly offended. The outrage from Michael Jackson’s family was enough for Sky Arts to torch that episode of Urban Myths along with that prosthetic mask Joseph Fiennes wore.
Paula Patton filed for divorce from human pantyliner Robin Thicke more than two years ago, but things have recently gotten very messy between the two of them. I didn’t think it was possible for the situation between Paula and Robin to get worse than that awful album he made to try to win her back, but it has.