What’s up with this Hitchcock-inspired shit? It’s everywhere and it needs to stop. Xtina tried to channel her inner Grace Kelly for Stephen Webster jewelry ads.

Xtina said she was honored to work with Stephen, “Stephen and I have been friends for many years and working together on this campaign and this collection has been an incredible experience. He’s a wonderful designer with a creative spirit and innovative vision and I am honored to be a part of it all.”

Please bitch! Honored my ass. He wrote the right number of zeros on your check. That’s what got you to do it.

To put it bluntly, these ads suck. She looks like she’s letting out a slow queef. Silent, but violent. Wait, do queefs smell? I don’t want to know.

Patrick Swayze has cancer and only has 5 weeks to live. I know. That sentence almost made me fly out of my seat. The National Enquirer claims Patrick has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer that has spread to other organs.

Patrick has been receiving chemotherapy at Stanford University’s cancer center in Palo Alto, CA. Doctors were able to shrink a tumor, but it’s still not enough.

A source said, “He was told he could have two more treatments, but his cancer was not responding. In short – they held out little hope for a cure. It’s time to start praying for a miracle.”

Be right back! I have to go pray for a miracle. I’m going to put “She’s Like The Wind” on repeat and chant “Nobody puts Patrick in a corner” over and over again. This can’t be true.

WHICH red-carpet couple will finally have someone to talk to now that they’re new parents? The Hollywood pair are so strange and reclusive, “they have no other friends.”

JLo & Skeletor?

WHICH actress went into rehab only after she suffered a miscarriage? She was on a four-day cocaine bender when she lost the baby she didn’t even know she was carrying.

Eva Mendes?

WHICH aging actress was the celebrity guest for a fashion function and made the moves on the company’s powerful and handsome – but married – CEO? The company no longer works with her.

Sharon Stone?

Source: Page Six

Michael Musto as Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe – Towleroad

Heidi Montag: The show must go on – Mollygood

Who the hell would want to kill Harry Potter? – I’m Not Obsessed

Mario Lopez is one singular sensation – SOW

David Beckham’s ex-mistress wants to be a pop star – Celebitchy

By the way, Madge and Guy do not own a pub in London – ICYDK

Raven Symone works the clip-on bangs – The Bastardly

Jordan continued to prove she’s the hardest working hooker in Britain by modeling her lingerie line for the press in London today. Jordan said that she also wanted regular woman to share the spotlight with her, so she put the call out to her fans.

She said, “I decided that I wanted girls from my fan club to model [the range] with me in front of the press so I got them to write in and then I chose six girls.”

First of all, Jordan doesn’t even have a total of six fans. She probably paid most of these chicks. Second of all, she only chose these women, so she could look even hotter. Didn’t work.

OK! Magazine thinks Keanu Reeves and Parker Posey might be a new couple. A source saw them “cozying up” to each other at the Chateau Marmont in L.A. The witness said, “They were sharing a seat and sitting very, very close. It was probably the oddest couple I’ve ever seen.”

Sitting close and now they are a couple?! It’s not like he was finger banging her, they were just sitting close. Imagine if you were romantically linked to everyone you sat close to? You would look like a major slut! Well, you look like a slut anyway, but you know….

I hope they are a couple, because I like these two together. They have the same hair, they are both batshit crazy and they look like they could use a bath or two. Perfect match!

My favorite dirty birdy story about Parker Posey is the one about her dog shitting in its carrier on a flight. Parker ran to the bathroom to wipe her dog’s ass and almost got arrested, because dog’s aren’t allowed in the bathrooms. That pretty much sums her up.