The last time I got a hand job from 5 bitches at the same time, I was on ecstasy in Amsterdam in the early 90s! – J’Adore Joey

Runner-up:

Dude, I totally DID finger five bitches at once! – JayNicole

Sammy Stephens of the Flea Market Montgomery commercials in Montgomery, AL

For Ashley

Taylor Hanson (25)
Jamie Bell (22)
Chris Klein (29)
Megan Follows (40)
Elise Neal (42)
Kevin Williamson (43)
Prince Albert of Monaco (50)
Rick Dees (58)
Billy Crystal (60)
Wolfgang Petersen (67)
Quincy Jones (75)
Michael Caine (75)

Eddie Murphy has never seen his 11-month-old daughter by Scary Spice. He isn’t planning on seeing her anytime soon either. According to The National Enquirer, Eddie claims Scary told him she was on the pill and that she tricked him into getting her knocked up. A source said, “What was supposed to be a casual relationship ended with her having his baby and taking him to court for millions.” Yes, because she also forced him to not wear a condom and bust a nutty professor inside her. She also wants his millions, because all the millions she already has is not enough. That makes a lot of sense.

Eddie’s lawyer claims he paid Scary $15,000 a month while she was pregnant and even covered her medical expenses. They are still fighting over child support. Scary reportedly wants a $9 million house and living expenses for the next 18 years. Damn, I guess she does want more millions. Go on then!

Eddie plans to see his daughter, Angel Iris Murphy Brown, when she’s older. “He says he will have to wait until Angel is older before he can get to know her without any interference from her mother.”

That’s a good idea. That way Murphy Brown will be old enough to tell him to fuck off!

Skeletor recently attended a NYPD Fundraiser where he said that he’s become skilled at putting his Dragon Tales twins to sleep. He said JLo even gave him a nickname, “I’m so hands-on with them that the household developed a nickname for me. They call me the Burp Whisperer.” That doesn’t even make sense! Shouldn’t it be the Dragon Tales Twins Whisperer? JLo needs to hire writers to come up with material for her daily conversations, because she sucks at nicknames.

I know how Skeletor is putting them to sleep. He’s whispering in their little ears, “You better can it or I’ll suck the soul out of you! You’ll be as soulless as your mother!” Babies know zombie talk.

At least somebody around that house is taking care of the babies. I’m sure JLo has seen them twice in their whole lives. She probably saw them once when they were born and once during their $6 million photoshoot. She will see them a third time when decides to show them off to the paparazzi. This of course will be after she’s had her face, ass, stomach and thighs wet-vacced.

KFed’s celebrating the big 3-0 at the douche dungeon aka Pure in Las Vegas next Friday. PageSix.com is claiming KFed is getting the greatest gift of all for his Birthday. He’s getting cold hard cash from Pure. Sources tell them he’s getting paid at least six figures and one source said he’s making $175,000 for the night. “Kevin is a big spender, and a draw for the crowds. So the money he gets is nothing compared to the money they make” said one inside bitch.

Big spender my ass lips! Earlier this week, Brit’s lawyer blasted KFed for wanting her to pay his legal bills because he makes more money than he lets on.

Paying money to be around drunk KFed fans sound like a fucking blast. I think I’ll skip that tampon soiree and look for the pictures on Hot Chicks with Douchebags. That’s what 99% of the club is going to look like.