Parasite Hilton and Benji the Hunted’s bowel movement and pussy hole rings have nothing to do with Ashton Kutcher’s “Pop Fiction” punk show. Paris called into Ryan Seacrest’s show on KIIS and said their relationship is not a hoax. She said the ring was a gift from Benji. He’s as lame as she is. No wonder Hilary Duff wouldn’t wrap her horse teeth around his dick.

Paris went on to say,“I feel very safe and secure. He’s a great guy. He’s been my friend for a couple of years now, and we’re really happy. This is not for Pop Fiction. It’s not a hoax!”

Paris darling, sweetheart, pussykins, your entire life is a fucking hoax. It’s a joke on the entire world for all the bad things we’ve ever done. If Eve never ate that apple we would have never been punished with Paris Hilton. That’s the truth.

And I can’t talk about Benji the dog without posting a clip from the movie. This is a truly beautiful moment when Benji learns that not all pussy is grouchy.

Robin Antin unveiled her new line of nipple and squirrel covers during L.A. Fashion Week yesterday. Robin is selling her pieces of lingerie under the Pussycat Doll name. The show included a performance from PCD. If I didn’t know this was a fashion show I would’ve guessed it was the red light district of Amsterdam. That being said, I would probably walk around in public like this if I was them. Besides call girls, trannies and male politicians, who the hell wears lingerie anymore?

I also sort of love Nicole Scherbertzinger or whatever the hell her name is. She’s the love child of Maya Rudolph and Vanity. I have soft spots for both of those bitches.

Jenny McCarthy is trying to make Katie Holmes’ old ‘do work for her. The alien bob didn’t work for Katie then and it’s not working for Jenny now. It’s a good thing Jenny is fucking one of Hollywood’s richest dudes. Maybe he can loan her a few coins to fix that mop.

Here’s Jenny at ET in Canada promoting the Holistic World Expo. Even better! Maybe one of the hos there can heal her style, because it needs all the help it can get.

Oh my chola!

ONTD has posted a ton of pics from the MySpace of Danny Noriega’s gorgeous cholita mother, Bonnie. I’ve been admiring her for weeks now. This shit doesn’t belong on MySpace, it belong in W Magazine. This is beauty in its rawest form. When I grow up I want to marry Chola Bonnie. Homegirl is from Azusa, CA and I’m originally from Rowland Heights, so we definitely belong together. We might be from opposite gang families though. Our love would be like West Side Story, but with much more glamour and Aquanet.

Below are just a few pics, but visit ONTD to see the rest.

I have a very important question to ask before we get into the Heather Mills/Paul McCartney bukkake divorce news. Where the damn fuck is Michele Elyzabeth and her dog Bijou?! Heather’s crazy ass publicist promised she would update her blog weekly with Heather news and she hasn’t updated since December. I am so mad at her. I am tempted to chop off my leg, so she’ll give me some attention. Please come back Michele Elyzabeth!

Anyway, it looks like the battle for Paul’s millions is coming to an end. The Daily Mail reports Heather will get £46million. She’s agreed to one lump sum of £25 million. The judgment has reportedly been made and the verdict will be handed down on Monday. It’s not known if that settlement includes cash for their daughter, Beatrice.

Heather apparently wanted more, because she’s a greedy bitch. The settlement will still go down as one of Britain’s largest. Legal bills alone total £10 million.

Hopefully this is the end, so the bitch can hop away into the sunset already with all her millions. I have to hand it to her. After only a few years she has become one of Britain’s richest prostitutes. Jordan has nothing on this bitch!

It’s the world famous Radioman and some broad – Egotastic!

Tom Cruise’s crazy Scientologist Birthday video – Gawker

Rihanna’s new song needs to “Take A Bow” and call it a night – Just Jared

This is what Eddie Murphy is missing out on – Hollywood Tuna

Is Jamie Lynn even knocked up? – Popsugar

Ashlee Simpson kissing a topless chick (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Did Cameron Diaz get more work done? – Cityrag

Brit Brit’s $30,000 present to Jamie Lynn – Hollywood Rag

Edward Norton is a diva – IDLYITW

Chupa Zoe is on the prowl – A Socialite’s Life