No wonder Janet Jackson is constantly putting out shitty music and whoring herself out on every talk show. Homegirl has to pay those bills! She has the entire Jackson family on her shoulders. According to a new report in the New York Post, Janet is the only Jackson family member that’s actually doing well on her own. Marlon works at a Vons and lives in a hotel. Jackie, Jermaine and Randy still live with their parents. And Jacko….well you know about him. Let’s catch up with them…shall we?

Joseph Jackson, 79 and Katherine Jackson, 77

Dad hustles various girl groups in Las Vegas. Mom is still a stay-at-home housewife and the only family member in contact with Michael. Both have previously filed for bankruptcy

Janet Jackson, 41

The current family breadwinner. She bought her mom a Vegas home in anticipation of losing the family’s mansion, Hayvenhurst, to foreclosure. Like their Neverland colleagues, workers at Hayvenhurst have not been paid for months.

La Toya Jackson, 52

Family turncoat who declared Michael guilty during the 1993 molestation case, she earns a living mostly in Europe and in the UAE judging beauty and singing contests. She lives with a wealthy boyfriend in Beverly Hills and has little contact with her siblings.

Rebbie Jackson, 57

The oldest, she’s married to successful businessman Nathaniel Brown.

Tito Jackson, 55

Formed a blues band several years ago and plays at small venues for $500 to $1,500 a gig.

Michael Jackson, 49

On the verge of losing Neverland ranch as well as the family’s Encino, Calif., home. He’s hiding out in Las Vegas and repeatedly makes promises to his brothers while sabotaging any attempts by them to ply their musical trade.

Randy Jackson, 46

Does odd jobs like changing tires to support himself. He was Michael’s business manager during the 2005 molestation trial but ran into serious problems with friends after he persuaded three people to take out lines of credits against their homes to help Michael pay his attorney fees and Michael stiffed them.

Marlon Jackson, 51

Lives in San Diego, where he works stocking groceries at a Vons supermarket. He fell on hard times three years ago when he was forced to leave his foreclosed home and move into an Extended Stay America hotel with his wife, Carol.

Jackie Jackson, 56

The oldest son started an Internet clothing business and is trying to produce records by his sons. Nothing has panned out.

Jermaine Jackson, 54

Splits time between the parents’ Hayvenhurst mansion and his girlfriend’s home in the San Fernando Valley. With more than $5 million in federal, state and other liens against him and a 1995 bankruptcy filing, he doesn’t work or have a regular income.

Come on people! It’s time to get back to work. Dancing with the Stars, The Surreal Life, Celebrity Fit Club could use your D-list names! Hell, they should brush off their afro wigs and do a reunion tour in Europe. They don’t need Jacko for that! LaToya can take Jacko’s place and no one will ever know. Janet needs a break! You know that every time she sees one of her brothers or sisters name come up on her caller id she tells Troll Dupri, “Fuck! Tell them I’m taking a shit!”

There’s actually a person out there obsessed with Ty Ty Baby. His name is Brady Green and he’s getting out of jail soon. This has Ty Ty very nervous. Can’t you tell? She’s nervous in the eyes.

37-year-old Brady has been sending Ty Ty letters and calling her ass since January. He recently showed up to her studio in NYC and asked to speak with her. He’s done this before when Ty used to tape her show in Los Angeles. I guess he was freaking everyone out, because the cops were called. When they arrived they found Brady’s bag filled with tons of magazine clippings on Tyra and notes to himself on how he’s been trying to reach her. He was arrested, but released without bail this past Tuesday. A source that works on Tyra’s show told Fox News, “There’s no security at this building. It’s very scary.”

No security? No problem! They should just hang a huge picture of Tyra without make-up in the lobby and that will keep everyone out. Seriously! I have the solution to Ty Ty’s problem. She needs to invite the dude to a taping of one of her “female empowerment” episodes. I’m talking about the episodes where everyone gets naked, talks about vagina, burns their bras, hates on men and praises their “fat asses.” 5-minutes on an episode like that and the dude will be running back to wherever him came from. Ty Ty will never hear from him again, because he’ll be too busy scrubbing his eyes and ears out with bleach.

Oatmeal and raspberries with a side of Gouda cheese! Delicious!

We haven’t caught up with Beth Ditto in a while, so here she is in all her glory performing at Shepherds Bush this past Friday. Shepherds Bush? I can almost see Ditto’s Bush in that outfit. This is actually covered up for Ditto.

Ditto said that she’s planning to visit Paris sooner with her girlfriend. She can’t wait to work off all the treats she’s been eating.

Beth told the Mirror, “I’m taking my girlfriend Fanny to Paris. I’ve eaten a lot of treats and I’m going to burn it off with her!” Fanny better bring an oxygen tank, power bar and flare gun just in case. You don’t want to get caught under Ditto without the necessities.

Who knew the little boy from “Third Rock From The Sun” would turn out to be kind of hot” He’s still no match for the utter supreme hotness known as Claudia Schiffer. I just wish she would shut her mouth in some of these pictures. Open mouth does not mean sexy. I kind of want to play beer pong over her face.

Joseph is someone that looks like he’s 5″2, but he’s really like 5″11 or some shit. You know those types. He’ hot, but I’m not sure if his pubes have grown in yet.

Here’s Claudia and Joseph Gordon-Levitt in GQ Magazine.

Sienna Miller and Rhys Ifans have been pretty quiet about their relationship. Sienna has already denied they are engaged. Leave it to mom to spill the frijoles. Rhys’ mommy has opened her big mouth and claims they are in fact promised to each other for marriage. His memaw told The Sun, “They adore each other and I am so pleased for them. They make a fantastic couple. We think she is lovely, absolutely fantastic.”

Rhys’ family also said the two are looking for a home in Wales. Recently, Sienna told friends that she loves Wales and accused the English of pillaging the country. She said, “I think it is the most beautiful country in the world and the people were just gracious and lovely considering they have been raped and pillaged by the English for so long.” Ok…let’s have another drink then, Sienna.

Rhys has reportedly proposed to Sienna dozens of times, but she finally accepted this time. He probably finally caught her at the one moment of the day she wasn’t completely wasted.

Congrats to the dirty couple! Let’s hope they will brush their hair and teeth for this special occasion. Probably not, but one can hope!

“highlights” magazine, March ’08, vol. 4

hidden in this picture there is:
-a quarter pounder with cheese
-a pueblo indian village
-a fossilized dodo bird
-olivia newton-john’s ex-husband
-a pair of panty hose, crammed with 35 pounds of human feces, and then ran over by a school bus

see how many YOU can find. – Tamberlene

Runner-up:

Someone needs to tell Travolta that Battlefield Earth 2 is simply NOT going to happen. – Bliss Boo