I’m going through Jamie Lynn’s registry and thinking what to get her. It’s between the $800 stroller and the $300 car seat. SERIOUSLY! Teens these days are so spoiled! One day they want the newest pair of sneakers, then they want an iPhone, and then they want an expensive ass stroller for their unborn baby. So selfish!

JL registered at Babies “R” Us the other day in Baton Rouge. Can’t she buy that shit herself? Bitch is rich.

Registries are so weird. Why the hell did she register for batteries? That’s probably what Brit Brit is going to get her.

The one thing she really needs is not even on her registry….A CLUE. I’m joking. She will make a wonderful mother. I couldn’t even type that without laughing. Terrible.

Here’s some video from E! of JL walking around parking lots. It’s fascinating shit.

Oh and Jamie Lynn, I totally SUPPRT you.

JLo emerged from her crystal cocoon yesterday in NYC looking not like she just had a baby. Can you say lipo overload? She probably broke the damn lipo machine. There was an overflow of JLo’s fat and people almost lost their lives, but she’s looking hot.

I don’t think she got the memo about those sunglasses though. It must have gotten lost in the piles of money strewn about her home. Only Trollsens and Arthur the Aardvark can wear glasses like that!

The Dragon Tales Twins will not be seen for a while. You can believe in that. They only do paid appearances from now on. Basically, only Russian billionaires can afford a meeting with them. Besides, their daily schedule is already filled with manis, pedis, yoga, French lessons, bikini waxes, tanning, daily colonics and botox injections. They are busy babies!

DJ Kat from The DJ Kat Show

For Matt D

M.C. Hammer (46)
Jennifer Capriati (32)
Lucy Lawless (40)
Jill Goodacre (43)
Elle Macpherson (45)
Amy Sedaris (47)
Annabella Sciorra (48)
Perry Farrell (49)
Christopher Lambrt (51)
Brendan Gleeson (53)
Eric idl (65)

Mischa Barton had lunch today with Lindsay Lohan’s main muncher, Samantha Ronson. I wonder what they had? Tuna tartare! Leeeeezzz beeee frieeeends foreeever! Ronson is a lesbian pimp. Even I’m developing a girl crush on her. It’s the “Ronson” blood.

Mischa wore a “Let’s Go Bite Some Butts” t-shirt. No thank poo. Mischa’s ass looks like it’s a mouthful of cottage cheese. I must give love to the paparazzi that knew how important it was to get close-ups of her cellulite. Job well done!

Who really gives a fuck if she’s 22 and has cellulite. We all have it. I mean…of course I don’t, but lots of people do. Besides, that outfit is much uglier than her cellulite. Her job is to basically get dressed up to go shopping and “eat lunch” and this is what she comes up? Falkor, go home and change!

Daddy Lohan is not happy that Lindsay Lohan is going to play one of Charles Manson’s chicks in the new movie “Manson Girls.” He spoke to UsWeekly last night about it, “I really hope that Lindsay gets back to the kinds of films that led to her success. I’d like to see her do more mainstream films.”

Translation: “Those indie movies pay shit! Someone’s got to pay my rent! Praise Jesus!”

He went on to say, “When you’re the kind of star Lindsay is, you have to appeal to a general audience, not just a specific audience.” Can you he explain to me what kind of star Lindsay is? The girl hasn’t had a hit since “Herbie” and I don’t even know if that shit was a hit. She should take what she can get.

Daddy was also asked about that fake Calum Best sex tape that was floating around, ““You don’t know what people put out there anymore! So many people have hidden cameras. Our private lives are our private lives — people don’t respect that.”

Private lives? Respect? Tell White Oprah to respect the general public by not starring in a reality show. Actually, don’t tell her that. I can’t wait to see that crap.