Nobody had the heart to tell Mickey Rourke he was trying to put the ciggie out on the wrong end. Seriously, Mickey could put a ciggie out on his face and not even feel it. His skin is made from non-biodegradable materials. Nothing is happening to that mask. Mankind will end, but Mickey’s face will stay on forever!

Mickey stopped into the Waverly Inn in NYC last night. I’m sure he ate a lot, but everybody around him probably lost their appetite.

And since I left a crusty taste in your mouth with Mickey, let me give you a little Clive Owen to cleanse your palette.

These pictures were tagged “Nicole Richie and Harlow Winter” by the photo agency and I seriously thought that baby in the blue was Sad Clown Baby. I was thinking, “Damn, Nicole’s Sad Clown Baby weighs more than she does and she’s suddenly white!” Give me a break, it’s Saturday and I’ve only eaten a corn dog. Eff off. Anyway, if you peer through that little whole and squint your eyes, you can sort of see….shit…you can’t see a damn thing.

Nicole Richie joined Tobey Maguire’s woman and their baby for a playdate yesterday. When I say “playdate” I mean the grown-ups watched R-rated movies and get drunk while the nanies watch the kids spit up on each other.

Nicole was wearing those Arthur the Aardvark sunglasses that every celebrity natch is trying to work. When will they realize that those things only belong on talking cartoon animals. I guess Nicole sort of counts.

TMZ claims that Matt Grant from “The Bachelor” might not be on the show to find love. Shocking! This is the first time in Bachelor history that someone on the show has ulterior motives.

It seems that Matt recently met a chick at a bar who works for TMZ. They have been keeping in touch and he told her that he wanted to move to the United States. Matt’s lawyer advised him that the easiest way to do this would be to marry an American. I could have told him that for the price of a G&T. I also would have lent him my copy of “Green Card.”

TMZ thinks that if marries on the chicks on the show, he’s marrying them to stay in the country.

I don’t watch the show to see the blossoming romance between the bachelor and the girls. I watch it to see the girls fight, get drunk and act like sluts. I could care less what he’s doing it for as long as he keeps the sluts and drunks on the show.

He’s already disappointed me by getting rid of Stacey. If he was only on the show for marriage then he should have kept that insane bitch. She would be crazy enough to marry him after only a few dates. Stacey’s also on the road to finding “a pharmaceutical that will cure something that no one has thought of.” If that isn’t wifey material, I don’t know what is.

40-year-old Art Price of Bellevue, Ohio was arrested for fucking his picnic table. The dude was doing sexy times with a damn picnic table! Remember the man who was arrested for fucking a bicycle? I understand that, because bicycles can be sexy. There’s nothing sexy about a picnic table.

Art was seen by neighbors on 4 different occasions fucking his picnic table, always between 10:30 a.m. and noon. Mid-morning delight! One neighbor even videotaped it and turned the tape over to police. The Bellevue police caption said, “The first video we had, he was completely nude.” That must have been an exciting day down at the police station. They all gathered around, passed the donuts and laughed their fat asses off.

Police think he was fucking the umbrella hole in the table. I hope that for Art’s sake the table was made out of plastic and not wood. Splinter dick can’t be pleasant.

I will never look at a picnic table the same way again. I always thought they were so innocent and only their to provide wholesome fun. But now I know what brazen hussies they really are.

Source

Thanks Ash

Audrina Partridge from “The Hills” hosted an evening with The Pussycat Dolls last night at Pure in Las Vegas. We get it Audrina! You’re a ho to be reckoned with. We’ve already seen the bitch naked, there’s no nude (typo, but I’m keeping it) to keep parading around like a slut. She’s a ho fo sho and we get it.

Audrina is pretty frustrating to look at, because the bitch’s eyes are always looking at the ceiling. I just want to take her head and shake it until her eyeballs drop. And if they drop, I might win a prize!

Here’s more pics of Audrina looking like Droopy Dog in lingerie last night. Yes, that’s Shane West with her. A life of hard partying is written all over his mug.

She cares about the public, because she’s wearing a one-piece! Now if she would only wear a full bodysuit with face mask! I joke, I joke. Janice Dickinson actually doesn’t look bad for a 60-year-old muppet. However, she’s not respecting the sea life by going into the water. They don’t deserve that. Sharks probably swim away from her scary ass face. She’s the perfect shark repellent.

She’s also a brave muppet for laying in the sun. All that sun could melt her plastic. I’m sure she looks like a shrinky dinky after a couple of hours in the heat.

Here’s Janice being Janice in Hawaii yesterday.