Britney’s Still Got It

/ April 2, 2008

Brit Brit still manages to create a paparazzi hurricane whenever Daddy Spears lets her go out and play. Brit decided to air out her weave of mass destruction and go shopping at the Tracey Ross boutique. Her bodyguard called in for police protection, because there were so many photographers. Brit probably only came out to show Miley Cyrus that she’s still the Queen of paparazzi chaos and will always be.

I don’t know why her bodyguards just don’t turn the hose on the paps? That’s what my abuelita used to do to us whenever we got out of hand. She would blast us with water and then while we were wiping the water from our eyes, she would beat us with her house slipper. It worked every time.

Brit’s weave is looking tight and by “tight” I mean it looks like shit. Seriously, that shit looks like dozens of cats in heat went at it on top of her head. I don’t even know if that’s hair! I think that’s fucking string that got caught in the sewing machine.

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Dedicated To Sophie

/ April 2, 2008

Oprah will dedicate an entire show to her late dog, Sophie. When I first read the headline, I thought Oprah was going to have a memorial show for her dog with a special performance by Celine Dion singing “My Heart Will Go On.” Unfortunately, that’s not the show Oprah is dedicating to Sophie. It totally crossed her mind though. The show dedicated to Sophie will focus on investigating those shitty fuck puppy mills.

Oprah said, “Sophie gave me 13 years of unconditional love. She was a true love in my life.” The other true love is Gayle. Sorry Stedman.

The show will air on Friday. Lisa Ling will travel into mills to see the horrific conditions. Oprah said the show is “for anybody anywhere who loves a dog, has ever loved a dog, or just cares about their basic right to humane treatment.” Sophie was purchased from a breeder, but Oprah said she would only adopt a pet from a shelter from now on.

I hope Oprah sent Paris Hilton a special copy. I also hope Oprah releases the names of the puppy mills, because you know the Oprah crazies will launch a Heather-Mills-style attack on them.

Source

Thanks M

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The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For April 1st!

/ April 2, 2008

After Ernie ran off with Cirque de Soleil, Bert’s life took a turn for the worse. – Sweetas

Runners-up:

When I am not melting faces with my sweet metal AXEs, I am usually found training my already well defined body for the Biathlon, with these fine pistola’s. – Absolute Vengeance

The Mall Security Guards calendar never was a big earner for Hallmark – Dude

Thanks Angela

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Wedding Bells?

/ April 1, 2008

Beyonce and Jay-Z swaggered into a joint in Scarsdale Village, N.Y and applied for a marriage license today reports People. The license is valid for 60 days. Beyonce’s rep wouldn’t comment. Why didn’t they just call Solange? She’s not doing anything but sitting around answering Beyonce’s fan mail. If you write to Beyonce and she writes back, “I HATE YOU.” Know that Solange wrote that with love.

Beyonce and Jay-Z have been dating since 2002. There have been so many rumors of them being married, divorced, pregnant, aliens, blah…blah…blah… They were probably just bored of looking at each other, so they decided to play an April Foolio’s joke.

If they are getting married then I expect an over-the-top tacky fiesta! House of Derriere better whip up a dress made out of albino alligator skin. You know even JLo is going to stand back and say, “Damn, they are too much!

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