Remember that magical story Kathleen Turner told about Nicolas Cage stealing chihuahuas? Well, she lied. Kathleen’s lawyer admitted today in a London court that she lied about it. The Daily Mail printed the story from an excerpt from Kathleen’s autobiography. They also issued an apology.

Kathleen also lied about Nic being arrested twice for drunken driving.

Kathleen and the Daily Mail agreed to pay Nic’s legal fees and make a donation to a charity of his choosing. Nic’s lawyer said the claims “caused damage to the claimant’s personal and professional reputation.”

Who lies about shit like that? I must believe that there is some truth to it. We need to set Nic up, so we can clear Kathleen’s name. We can gently lay JLo’s twins outside Nic Cage’s house and wait until he takes the bait!

Every time I see a picture of Kathleen Turner, I hear her saying,” Is this the Cocksucker residence? Is this 4215 Pussy Way? Now let me check the zip code. Two-one-two-fuck-you?”

Bitch should have won 10 Oscars for that shit

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Finally Katherine Heigl’s inner ugliness has crept outside and vomited all over her coat. Her outside now matches her inside. It’s like Maude went to the Southwest and came back with this frock.

If you happen to be color blind and like this fug mess, I’m sure you can get your very own through Kath’s medical uniforms line!

Here’s Kathy and her husband getting gas yesterday. Where the hell is Clay Gayken’s flamer ass when you need him? One tiny ass queef and BOOM!

I hope the police officer that Naomi Campbell spat on yesterday has protection from the A-Team, Cujo and Kevin Costner, because the bitch is out! The Goddess of Rage was unleashed from her cell after being arrested for assaulting a police officer at Heathrow airport. Naomi was handcuffed and dragged away screaming.

Naomi was bailed out and is due in court next month. If charges are filed and she’s convicted, Naomi could face up to six months in the chokey. Putting Naomi in prison for that long would be a mistake! She would spend her time bulking up and planning her revenge on society. She would come out stronger than ever!

What she really needs is a good week with Dr. Drew, Supernanny and the dog whisperer. If the power of those 3 can’t help her, nothing can.

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A happy parade is probably going on inside Yoko Ono, but she managed to keep it calm during an interview with Sky News. Yoko said she feels for Heather, because it’s not easy being associated with a Beatle. Please! Yoko is thrilled that she’s no longer the only witch of the Beatles. She wants to give Heather’s stump a tongue bath. She’s that grateful!

Yoko said, “All I can say is it’s not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles. I think all the wives did suffer, and I think quietly suffer. Suffer but endured, I would actually say.” Yoko said Heather needs to “do her very best and try to survive”. That’s nice of Yoko. Heather really needs those words on encouragement considering she only has $50 million to live on. She’s so broke that she’s going to have to cut coupons. Poor darling.

Yoko kept the fake sympathy coming and even extended a hand to Paul McCartney, “I’m very sorry for him to have had to go through all that. I haven’t spoken to him about that but it’s a subject which he probably doesn’t want to discuss with other people.”

I’m sure that still didn’t stop her from sending him a note that said, “You got served! Karma is a one-legged bitch!”

Raffaelo Follieri’s walk of shame after being arrested for bouncing a check! That fancy suit can’t cover up the ghetto – ICYDK

Greasy Crotch is a racist homophobe. I would expect nothing less – Towleroad

Jenny Aniston still really, really wants a baby – Celebitchy

WTF: Kelly Ripa launches a kitchen line – I’m Not Obsessed

HoHan the slutty waitress – Celeb Warship

Nothing like a hard diamond up your crack – Circus Hour

Ben Stiller washed the grey right out of his hair – Celebrity Dirty Laundry

It’s the wedding of the year second! Everyone seems to think Beyonce and Jay-Z will be married in NYC tonight. The E-Biz has a few details that have been going out to guests. They claim the guest list is very small, the location was not printed on the invitations and guests were told to wear all ivory. The guest list includes Serena and Venus Williams. STA POWA!

You know this wedding is going to be a tack-tack-tacky affair if they tell you to wear all ivory. I hope there’s one smart motherfucker that shows up in an ivory coat, but opens it to real their BRIGHT WHITE gown. I’m thinking Solange needs to do that shit. She’s already been banished to a life in the basement, so she might as well go down cackling.

Lainey Gossip also thinks it’s in the numbers for Beyonce and Jay-Z to be married today:

B’s birthday is September 4th. Jay’s birthday is December 4th. They have matching IV tats on their ring fingers acquired in Paris…

He owns the 40/40 clubs.

Tomorrow is April 4th.

04/04/08

4+4=8

And 4 is the number of times I dry heaved while reading that shit. They would totally get married today based on those numbers.