Whitney Houston needs to get back on the pipe, because obviously sobriety is fucking up her good judgement. I know she doesn’t want to be Brandy’s sister-in-law. Actually, Whitney looks like she’s been bonging it in the ladies room. She’s got the weed eyes.

Ray-J and Whitney better keep their cougar brawls private. The world does not need another Ray-J sex tape, especially if Whitney is his co-star. Hell to….you know the rest.

Here’s the cougar and her cub at the Hopkins vs. Calzghe fight in Las Vegas Saturday night. I also threw in a picture of Tom Jones. That’s who Whitney should be snuggling up to! Tom Jones gives good love.

I don’t think anyone would notice if Tommy Girl and Katie Holmes switched outfits. Katie Holmes is only a few steps closer to becoming Tommy’s clone.

Tommy would look better in Katie’s dress though. His moobs would fill it out more. They should have at least switched shoes, so they could be on the same level.

Tommy and Kate attended Posh’s Birthday party last night wearing sunglasses. UGH! Even those shades can’t hide Tommy’s creepiness. His wedding ring however is faaaaaaaaabulous!

One day, Posh’s bobble head is going to roll off her body along with her fake tits. It can’t be healthy when your head weighs more than your body. Somebody should sneak up behind her and just blow on her head a little. Timber! Watch the bitch drop.

Posh held a party last night at Via Veneto in Beverly Hills for her 34th Birthday. Guests included Eva LongWHORIA, Kate Beckinsale, TomKat, Diddy, Elton John, Usher and some other snatches.

I love that Becks is trying to give us “macho face.” His macho face almost makes me forget the fact that he has a voice like Minnie Mouse.

Shia LaBeouf was trying to get a little nanni at the Beatrice Inn in NYC the other night, but there weren’t any takers. Page Six reports that Shia was “desperately seeking a lady . . . but none of the hipster hotties were standing for it.” Those dumb skanks! The dude has been arrested at a Walgreens! That’s reason enough to fuck him.

Shia was apparently so hard up for coochie that he turned to one chick and said, “How do I get a girl to go home with me?” That line would work on me, but I’m a sure thing. Even the line, “How are you?” immediately makes me take off my clothes.

Shia should have tried a different bar and by “different bar” I mean my apartment.

Elizabeth Hurley loves airbrushing – I’m Not Obsessed

Diddy and Kim are back together – Lainey Gossip

Kanye West dumps his fiance – Celebitchy

Chelsea Clinton gets her ass grabbed while gay bar hopping – Towleroad

Hayden Panatroll thinks Wonky is a genius – ICYDK

Russell Brand caught in the toilet with two chicks – Holy Moly!

Well, her rubber vagina anyway. LAist reports that a man broke into a sex store called Erogenous Zone in Fullerton, CA and stole a rubber replica of Jenna Jameson’s pussy and ass.

Video surveillance caught the dude trying to break the glass door with a rock. That didn’t work, so he shattered the display window instead and headed inside. He tried to crack open the cash register and when that didn’t work, he grabbed the $250 fake Jenna pussy and headed out. Click here to see the product. Batteries not included!

$250 for Jenna’s fake pussy?! If you wait a few years, you can get the real thing for like $100 on Sunset Blvd. The description for her fake pussy reads, “Want to slip into something more comfortable? How about Jenna’s tight little pussy or even her puckered butt hole?” The words “Jenna, tight and pussy” do not belong in the same sentence.