Dumb Bitch Of The Day

/ April 26, 2008

20-year-old Broderick Lloyd Laswell is currently being held in the Benton County Jail on capital-murder charges. He filed a prisoner civil rights lawsuit in court yesterday claiming the jail is not providing their inmates with enough food.

Broderick said he’s wasted away from 413 pounds to 308 pounds in 8 months.

In his complaint, Broderick writes, “On several occasions I have started to do some exercising and my vision went blurry and I felt like I was going to pass out. About an hour after each meal my stomach starts to hurt and growl. I feel hungry again. If we are in a small pod all day do next to nothing for physical exercise we should not lose weight. The only reason we lost weight in here is because we are literally are being starved to death.”

Broderick wants the portions to be larger. He thinks the biscuits and cakes are too small. He also wants hot meals.

The jail captain told The Morning News that they have only served cold meals for years. He said they provide an average of 3,000 calories per day.

Damn! 413 to 308 in 8 months?! Fuck Jenny Craig! Fuck Atkins! Fuck the Master Cleanse. It’s all about the Benton County Jail diet!

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She Just Farted

/ April 26, 2008

Brit Brit Spears actually cracked a smile as she left the home of her vocal teacher yesterday. That looks more like a fart smile. It’s when a fart makes you smile. Relief.

Let’s talk about farts for a quick minute. Yesterday, I was talking on the phone to my mommy about farts. That’s basically what we talk about most of the time. She told me to not use the word “fart,” but to use the phrase “passing gas.” What the fuck is the difference? It’s the same thing in the end (literally). She also told me that when I need to “pass gas,” I should excuse myself from the room and do it in the bathroom. The hell? I don’t know about your farts, but mine linger. Let’s say I go to the bathroom and fart. That mess will still cling to my ass lips and makes its way to the room I was just in. You’re going to smell it whether you like it or not. You may as well get the full essence of it rather than some half-ass version. That’s my rant.

Here’s Brit giving us a “passing gas” smile yesterday. You know it’s Brit without even seeing her face. Saggy chichis? CHECK! Boots that are permanently attached to her skin? CHECK!

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Two-And-A-Half Years Minimum!

/ April 26, 2008

Wesley Snipes was sentenced to 3 years in the chokey for not paying taxes on $58 million of income he made from 1994 to 2004. When he was first sentenced, I figured he would serve a few months and be out in time to tell his story on Oprah for November sweeps. TMZ claims this is not the case!

They are reporting that Prisoner 57 aka Noxema Jackson aka Wesley Snipes will serve a minimum of two-and-a-half years. That’s only if he’s a good prisoner. Federal inmates apparently can’t get parole.

Fuckity fuck! Noxema could make 3 new Blade movies during that two-and-a-half years. How is the Earth going to continue to spin without more Blade movies? Gary Coleman can fill in for Noxema. He needs something to do now that he’s a soon-to-be single man.

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The Wino Is Free!!!

/ April 26, 2008

The Wino has been freed from jail! Crackheads rejoice! Wino was released this morning after she was arrested yesterday afternoon for allegedly headbutting one bitch and punching another.

She arrived at the police station yesterday afternoon, but a doctor determined she was “in no state” to be interviewed. She spent the night in a cell and was interviewed this morning. “In no state” is doctor talk for “bitch was higher than Heidi Montag.”

Wino wasn’t charged with anything, but she was given a caution which means the incident will remain on her record.

Wino’s spokesbitch said, “Amy was fully co-operative with inquiries and apologised for the incident. She thanked the police for their professional handling of the matter. There will be no further action taken. Amy is looking forward to continuing her work on new music in the studio.

Phew! It’s a good thing Wino got out of jail this morning. With Wino, Dreamboat Doherty and Blaaake in the clink, the drug dealers of London were starting to sweat. They were wondering how the hell they were going to pay their mortgage, feed their children and contribute to their IRAs. It’s business as usual now that Wino is out. The drug dealers of the world need her!

Source

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They Are Totally Going To Get Married

/ April 26, 2008

John Mayer and Jenny Aniston had lunch in Miami yesterday which means she’s either knocked up or they are getting married. Actually, we’re talking about Aniston here, so it’s probably their first and last date. Well!

The GM of the joint they were eating at told People they were very close and their heads almost touched. OMG! He probably witnessed the conception of their first baby together.

I know you’re pulling your pubies out wondering what they had for lunch? She had a “chopped chicken salad, while Mayer had a Serrano ham sandwich which “Jen ate some of.” I’m surprised a food expert wasn’t brought in to tell us what their food choices say about how they feel about one another.

Jen and John were also seen leaving another restaurant later that night. He had his arm around her. He was probably giving her the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech. It was lovely while it lasted.

I bet they met through Facebook. She superpoked him and John actually answered! She probably superpokes everyone though. Check your Facebook. I’m sure you’ve been superpoked by her.

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