Tommy Girl dragged the whole clan out yesterday to see his man, David Beckham, play that sport where they kick a ball around. Tommy wants to be that ball soooo bad. It was nice of Tommy to let Isabella and Connor out of their alien cages. He made them come to the game or else they would have to spend 6-months at Scientology camp. They are still having nightmares over the last time they were there.

Katie’s hair is looking more and more “Stepford Wifey” each day. One day she’s going to show up wearing and apron and carrying a fresh baked apple pie. They creep me the fuck out! These pictures look like stills from “The Others.”

Owen Wilson is planning to marry Kate Hudson a year after he tried to off himself over their break-up. Yes, commemorate one tragedy with another! The News of the World reports that Owen proposed to Kate in Miami and wants to marry her next year. The Florida humidity must eff with some of these people’s brains. Owen marrying Kate? Aniston and Mayer?

A source told The News of the World, “Kate supported Owen during his low patch and that proved to him she’s the woman he wants to be with for ever. He picked out the ring and went for the biggest one he could find. He was nervous about proposing but Kate was thrilled and the whole thing was really emotional.”

Screw Kate! Owen should marry his one true love, Woody Harrelson! Nobody understands him the way Woody does. Mary Jane can be the maid of honor and a hookah pipe can be the best man.

John Mayer is back in Miami with Jennifer Aniston. He probably got sick of her burning his cell phone up 100 times a day. The eHarmony couple reunited on the set of “Marley & Me.” Page Six reports that the two immediately starting making out. Damn. Aniston hasn’t gotten this much action since….ever! She’s used to men giving her a peck on the cheek and leaving her with the check.

Page Six also claims Mayer was caught “canoodling” with a blonde five days ago and it wasn’t Jennifer Aniston. Scandal! Already cheating on her. Please. Mayer “canoodles” with everyone. Instead of shaking the hand of someone he just meets, he canoodles with them. He’s a canoodler.

Here’s Jenny and John having a gay old time at the pool of the Mandarin Oriental in Miami. Aniston is only laughing, because Mayer just pissed in the pool and it’s all warm and shit. You know he totally does that.

It could be my hangover playing tricks on me, but it took a few blinks for me to realize this was Jamie Lynn and not Brit Brit. Damn. Homegirl is so tan, classy and ……miserable. She’s the new MiserAlba! Although, it doesn’t really work on her, because her name isn’t Alba. Jamie Lynn Scowls. Naw, that doesn’t work. Anyway, the girl needs to drop a good queef and wipe that frown off her face. It could be worse, she could be Brit Brit! Jamie Lynn should think about that.

Here’s JL in Mississippi yesterday on her way to a club to drink her grouchiness away. No, she’s on her way to her second baby shower. Brit Brit probably ruined the first one by constantly farting, so Jamie Lynn’s friends are making it up to her by throwing her a second one.

Michelle Duggar – Mother of 17 kids and she’s knocked up with her 18th!

Happy Mother’s Day to all you slut moms out there!!!!

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