Mimi’s new bitch, Nick Cannon, was out shopping at Beverly Hills Kitty yesterday. Mimi probably can’t cum without her favorite Hello Kitty stuffed animal. She likes to caress it’s cheek when she’s hitting the big one. Wait till she asks him to get her Hello Kitty brand tampons. It’s the least Nick Cannon can do for her. He was a couple of seasons away from starring in a Vh1 reality dating show and she saved him!

The couple are still celebrating their shotgun wedding. UsWeekly reports that they threw another wedding party at Six Flags Magic Mountain in Valencia, CA last night. The park closed to the public at 6pm for Mimi’s classy affair. That sucks. I found joy in picturing Mimi standing in an hour-long line for Colossus.

The theme park was decorated in pink and purple and a banner read: “Mariah and Nick – A Love Story.” A barf story is more like it!

When is this madness ending?! Yes, I know I don’t have to watch American Idol, but I DO have to watch it. I’ve come this far and I have to finish what I’ve started even if my soul suffers. It’s like a bad relationship. I have to see it through until the end. Thankfully, the end is near!

David Archuleta is so white that he’s practically transparent. This is why he should NEVER say or sing the words “my boo” or “little mama.” This is what happens when daddy isn’t in charge. David ends up singing songs like Chris Brown’s With You. My abuelita could have sang that shit with more soul and she would have backed it up and dropped it low.

Dlisted reader Kristin wrote this to me recently, “I think the problem with David Archuleta is that he hasn’t lost his baby teeth yet.” Kristin is right. I don’t think he’s gone through puberty yet. Shit, I don’t think he ever will! Whenever he sings love songs, he’s probably singing them to his pet turtle.

Basically, Syesha Mercado’s twat could have sang the “Star Spangled Banner” on pitch and she still will be going home tonight. The poor thing doesn’t have a chance in Paula Abdul hell to make it to the final 2.

Hopefully, I’m wrong and Syesha stays tonight. I would love to see the smug look on David Cook’s face get slapped off by Gaycrest. It won’t happen. Syesha is done. This time next year, she’ll be the first standby in a dinner theater production of The Wiz.

Here’s David Archuleta doing something he should never EVER do again.

Chilli – The 6’6″ tall cow from Somerset, England. 9-year-old Chilli is currently being assessed by the Guinness Book Of Records for the title of Britain’s tallest cow.

Tim Roth (47)
Miranda Cosgrove (15)
Amber Tamblyn (25)
Martine McCutcheon (32)
Gabriel Mann (36)
Sofia Coppola (37)
Danny Wood (39)
Cate Blanchett (39)
C.C. DeVille (46)
David Byrne (56)
Robert Zemeckis (57)
George Lucas (64)

Amy Wino and her friend and guitarist, Kristian Marr, arrived at her house late last night from the country. Kristian was asleep in the car, so Wino decided to leave him there and she went inside. Kristian woke up a little while later and instead of going on home, he broke into Wino’s garage. He curled up and tried to get some sleep on her garage floor, but was interrupted by the fuzz.

He told them he was staying with Wino. They tried to reach Wino, but her ass was dead asleep. Kristian is Sadie Frost’s boyfriend and he tried to contact her too, but she was also busy getting her beauty sleep. When crackheads finally fall asleep, they sleep for real.

Kristian was finally taken off to the police station. I blame Wino. You know she gave him some of that bad shit. The kind of bad shit that only Wino can handle. I swear, crackies do the strangest things.

Here’s more pics of crackie Kristian getting busted by the police and also some pics of Wino walking around barefoot earlier yesterday. The hive is growing. It’s aaaaaaalive!

The comments are shooting out of me like Billy Ray’s……I need to stop. The joke tells itself.