The Bachelorette: A House Of Tools

/ May 20, 2008

DeAnna Pappas is back looking for love as “The Bachelorette.” The show came back for its 4th seasons last night and I’m probably the only one who watched it.

I liked DeAnna when she got her heart torn to shreds by Brad on “The Bachelor,” but I can’t stand her ass anymore. They might as well have gotten a talking mannequin. The show isn’t about the bachelorette, it’s about the douche bags that are trying to win her love.

Most of these dudes are busted in the face! I mean, I would only do about 20 out of 25 of them and that’s saying a lot, because I’ll do anyone. There wasn’t even that much drunken shenanigans! I mean, one dude jumped into the pool and then took off his clothes revealing a bikini with DeAnna’s name on it. Unfortunately, he was a midget with a hatchet face! Of course, DeAnna kept him around.

She didn’t keep my favorite dude, the oyster farmer. He’s the only gentleman to give DeAnna a pearl necklace upon meeting her. He gave her a pearl necklace and she eliminated him! What a bitch. When a dude gives me a pearl necklace, I usually give him my checkbook. Dickmatized.

In the clip above, one of my other favorite dudes, Greg, shows DeAnna what she’s missing after she eliminates him. Seriously, she’s missing out. I’m sure he can crush beer cans with his ass cheeks and burp “Free Bird” too. Swooooon.

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Afternoon Crumbs

/ May 20, 2008

The worst tattoos on the planet – Radar

Reese Witherspoon is in a bikini, but Jakey Poo is fully clothed. Not right – Hollywood Tuna

Lily Allen is topless again – Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson is in Cabo without RomoPopsugar

Petra Nemcova is Sean Penn’s stalker – IDLYITW

Heidi & Spencer in yet another staged photo shoot – Just Jared

Monica Bellucci is hot – Hollywood Rag

Kenny Chesney is a whiny bitch – A Socialite’s Life

Susanna Hoffs is 49?! – Cityrag

Lindsay Lohan in a bikini and a bed sheet (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

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Sharon Osbourne Will Host “Charm School 2”

/ May 20, 2008

ANOTHER Vh1 reality show starring the slags of “Rock of Love” will premiere this Fall. I think Vh1 owns these hos. Vh1 is a pimp. Anyway, Sharon Osbourne has been announced as the host and mentor of “Rock of Love Girls: Charm School” which is a spin-off of both Charm School and Rock of Love. I’m so confused.

Breakout stars from both seasons of “Rock of Love” will come together under one roof to learn and grow in areas of etiquette, fashion, manners, and moderation. They will be refined in hopes to graduate “Charm School” as sophisticated and polite ladies. And who better to push these girls down the road to renewal and re-discovery than Sharon Osbourne. As Headmistress of “Charm School,” Sharon will attempt to strip the girls of their former rebellious and wild ways. And with some help from experts, hopefully transform the girls into fully rockin’ ladies.

The contestants will focus on one lesson a week followed by a demanding test. Whoever doesn’t measure up to the challenges of “Charm School” will be expelled. In the end, the last one standing will be rewarded with $100,000 to put towards her new and improved life.

Sharon Osbourne was chosen, because she’s such a fucking lady…..and she was available for cheap.

A Wikipedia page has already gone up with a rumored cast featuring:

Rock of Love 1: Brandi, Rodeo, Dallas, Erin, Heather, Tiffany & Lacey
Rock of Love 2: Angelique, Aubry, Daisy, Destiney, Kristy Joe & Megan

Tiffany, Angelique, Heather AND Daisy in the same room together? I think I just caught syphilis and alcohol addiction just from typing out those four names in a row.

Vh1’s other trainwreck of a show, “I Love Money” premieres July 13th.

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Aubrey O’Day Is My Kind Of Ho

/ May 20, 2008

Aubrey O’Day of Danity Kane was recently linked to TRL host Quddus, but it looks like that shit isn’t serious. Aubrey was out in NYC last night with Jesse McCartney. He’s 21 and she’s 24, but she still looks like she could be his mother. Cougar alert! She’s a cougar at 24!

I can’t help but not love this raggedy ass foundation sponge. She’s a ho and she knows it. No shame in her game.

Wait….is she carrying a glass outside?! The ho is walking down the street with a glass of wine! You know how I feel about that. Couldn’t she have poured that shit in a white grape juice bottle? That’s what any respectable drunk slut would have done. Aubrey lost points for that move.

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Fuggie Needs To Stop!

/ May 20, 2008

Fuggie Fug performed on “Today” this morning and I’m disgusted that she actually thinks she has the right to butcher Heart’sBarracuda.” She’s more like a stanky trout than a barracuda. Fuggie first performed the cover on Idols Give Back and it looks like she’s making it a regular thing.

It’s a good thing she wore those pants. The piss will wash off easier. She also continued to do one-handed cartwheels during her performance. She probably does one every time she feels the piss coming out. The cartwheel pushes the piss back in.

If she performs Barracuda one more time, I’m going to track her down using her natural piss scent and slap the meth right off of her mug.

Performance below:

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