Too bad the wedding was fake and the groom was Owen Wilson and not John Mayer. I’m sure in the privacy of her trailer, Jenny made Owen wear a Mayer mask just so she could pretend.

Anyway, Owen and Jenny filmed a wedding scene in fake snow on the Pennsylvania set of “Marley and Me” last night. I’ve seen so many pictures from this movie that it feels like I’ve already seen it.

In other old maid news, Jenny has been telling friends Mayer’s sexay time skills are better than Brad Pitt’s. A source told The National Enquirer (via Showbiz Spy), “Jennifer is calling John the best ever lover. In fact, she can’t stop raving about his skills between the sheets – insisting the sex with him is way better than it was with Brad during their four-and-a-half-year marriage.”

Don’t listen to anything Jenny says! She’s not thinking clearly. She’s dickmatized.

Hemingway the bulldog looks like he’s trying to hold in the vomit. Hemingway, don’t look behind you or the chunks will start a flowing! Hell, don’t look down either, Hemingway! Nowhere is safe.

Yes, it’s Hemingway with two twats on the cover of People magazine. If Asshole and Vagina in their wedding outfits doesn’t make you barf, then Jessica Simpson bumping and grinding on Tony Romo will definitely bring on the heaves. Jessica thinks she’s so fucking hot. Romo is laughing through the pain.

Brit Brit has returned from her Costa Rican adventure with Mel Gibson and she’s already back in it. Brit went out to dinner with Palms Casino owner, George Maloof, at Il Sole last night. Brit might have gotten some R and R, but her weave looks done! That shit needs to go on a permanent vacation. I’m surprised the sea weed in Costa Rica didn’t mistake her weave as one of its own and try to reclaim it. I think its starting to grow tentacles.

In other cheetos news, People reports that Daddy Spears has left his catering job to work for Brit Brit full-time. Court papers show that Daddy was given $10,000 on back pay to cover the first month of his co-conservatorship of her estate. He was awarded a $2,500 weekly beginning in March.

The documents say, “The responsibilities he has assumed as conservator … have required [his] full-time attention. As a result, he has been unable to continue to his prior employment and he has lost his source of income which he needs to pay his living expenses.”

Daddy Spears has bills to pay and taming Brit Brit’s crazy is not an easy job. Give him the farm!

Matthew McConaughey won’t take his shirt off for America. That’s fine. We’ve seen enough shirtless McConaughey pictures to last us a few lifetimes – Towleroad

Scary Spice is a sex expert – I’m Not Obesssed

Heather Mills is writing a vegan lifestyle book. Sounds like a real stomach turner – Celebitchy

Madge and Guy invade Cannes – Lainey Gossip

Dylan McDermott files for divorce – ICYDK

Lily Allen told off by Flavio Briatore – Holy Moly!

David Lynch puts a fan’s panties in his mouth – Glitterati

Holy chicken cutlets with parmesan sauce! Phoebe Price’s cottage cheese thighs need their own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. They are famous than their glamorous owner! They have already made the cover of The National Enquirer and now they are on this week’s cover of Star Magazine. PP’s cheese thighs will be on Vogue’s July cover. Trust this!

And Brit Brit has the best beach bod? In some cultures, maybe. Sarah Jessica Parker’s beach body looks just like Mr. Burns’ beach body. Wait, have they ever been in a room together?

John Mayer was shopping at a camera store in Los Angeles yesterday when a fan asked him for a picture. Mayer agreed to pose with her for $10. The fan agreed and paid him. $10 for just a picture?! Eff that! If I’m paying $10, I also want a nip and prostate tingle. Hopefully, he’s using the $10 to fix that 80s “don’t ask, don’t tell” haircut.

Fuck! It’s like the word “douche” was just invented for him. Even Mickey Mouse is pointing at him and saying, “Ha ha! Look at that douche!” That being said, I’d let him give me a nip and prostate tingle for free. Ok, I’d pay him $20. Ok, I’d pay him $20 and throw in a chicken and biscuit dinner.

Below is video from Hollywood.tv of Major Douche charging a fan $10 for a picture with him: