How is Suri functioning without a full bottle of barley water? They are probably injecting her ass with it, because they get so much crap for keeping her on the bottle. Suri needs her barley fix! Suri also needs to call up Ken Paves on her robot phone and schedule an appointment STAT! She needs to cut that alien bob. Homegirl needs her own identity. She’s looking like Tommy Girl Jr. and that is not good for her reputation.

Here’s Suri, Tommy Girl, Katie and Katie’s parents getting into a hearse in Beverly Hills last night. Suri’s memaw looks like Jane Lynch in a silver wig. Shit, it probably IS Jane Lynch. Tommy Girl cast her ass to play Katie’s mommy.

Seeing pictures of LaToya Jackson always brings a smile to my face. My smile quickly turns into a grimace, because I don’t understand how a plastic surgeon is still able to eff with her face. I would think that even the slightest touch of a scalpel would make her entire head deflate. Toy needs to be stamped with a giant “expired,” so that plastic surgeons knows not to mess with her anymore. What’s done is done.

One thing I do love about Toy is that she can be almost any hot fucking mess. With a few minor adjustments, she can be Fergie, Mariah, Charo or Jacko. All the great lady messes of music!

Here’s Toy celebrating her 52nd birfday in Las Vegas last night with RuPaul. Why is she doing jazzercise moves on the red carpet?

The Crackie of Camden returned to the stage last night at Portugal’s Rock In Rio festival. In true Wino fashion, she showed up an hour later. Damn, she’s like all my family members. You tell them 2pm and those dumb skanks will show up at 4pm and not even apologize! They stroll in like they’re early. The nerve. At least Wino apologized to the 90,000 people waiting for her ass.

They booed her when she didn’t show up on time, but she tried to fix things by telling them, “Hey Lisbon. I’m sorry I’m late.” She then asked if anyone had a one-hitter. Ok, not really, but she thought about it I’m sure.

She played for 55 minutes and her voice cracked a couple of times in her set. She told the audience she was having throat issues. Welcome to my world, Wino. She sucked on lozenges the whole time and even ran off stage at one point, but she immediately returned. She didn’t play an encore, but most of the crowd was over her ass by then.

Some hot bitch compiled a video of some of Wino’s strangest moments last night. I still love her heroin shimmy. I picture the pulgas in her crack hive having a big ass party when she starts to shake. And yes, she’s fuckity fucked up. What’s new? Clip below:

Heather Thomas from “The Fall Guy” – Heather is also a writer and political activist. I saw her hot ass on “Chelsea Lately” last night and she’s 50!

Here’s what she looks like now:

Colin Farrell (32)
Matt Cavenaugh (30)
Eric Christian Olsen (31)
Sienna Guillory (33)
Brooke Shields (43)
Corey Hart (46)
Lea Thompson (47)
Chris Elliott (48)
Tom Berenger (59)
Sharon Gless (65)
Clint Eastwood (78)