No wonder Katie Holmes does whatever Tommy Girls says. He has to strain his neck to look up at you, but his eyes will burn your ass! It’s like he’s looking up at the sky and thinking, “I’ll get you Xenu!”

Anyway, Tommy Girl had a gay ass housewarming party on Saturday. He calls it a “housewarming party,” I call it an alien circle jerk.

UsWeekly reports that guests included Oprah, Gayle King, Kimora Lee Simmons, JLo, Posh, Eva LongWHORIA, Brooke Shields, Kyra Sedgwick, Rita Wilson and Kirstie Alley. Oprah is totally drinking from the barley water fountain. Tommy Girl caught O and Gayle doing the scissor a while ago and now he’s blackmailing her ass!

I’m also assuming Will Smith and John Travolta were there. They were probably go-go dancing in Tommy Girl’s Scientology dungeon.

Below are a couple more pictures of the party and arrivals. The second thumbnail of Tommy holding Katie’s leg is hilarious. Tommy’s hand is dangerously close to Katie’s chocha. You know he washed his hands a million times with Purrell after this picture was taken.

I’m not talking about Gayken! Homegirl wishes! I’m talking about his hot mom, Faye Parker. You know Gayken has worn that same dress for his bedroom mirror performance of Barbara Mandrell’s “If Loving You Is Wrong (I Don’t Want To Be Right).”

The mommy-to-be and his memaw-to-be were in DC last night. TMZ reports that Gayken is having a baby boy! He’s totally going to name him Prince Gayken. His nickname will be “Quilt.” Seriously, this is some Jacko shit.

In case you have no idea what I’m talking about or your brain blocked it out, Gayken gave up his lady jizz to his 50-year-old best friend Jaymes Foster. Jaymes is a chick. She’s due in August. And no, he didn’t stick it in. Not even the tip! They’re having a turkey baster baby.

My Little Pony Parker wore this silver trash bag dress to the NYC premiere of “Sex and the City.” It was supposed to be a big moment for Pony and now it’s been ruined thanks to that trash bag dress. You see, the Nina Ricci rag was worn earlier this month by Lauren Davis. It was also worn by Lezzy Lohan for a Harper’s Bazaar shoot.

My Little Pony feels that she was duped by Nina Ricci. She was told the dress was only wore for magazine shoots and never on the red carpet. She told The New York Times, “In the big picture, this is not important, but there is a relationship between the entertainment industry and fashion. We’ve watched sales dwindle and we’ve watched people be less inclined to spend money on clothes. Look, my affection for the dress hasn’t changed, but what they did was so short-sighted. It’s just unethical and disappointing that they would allow the dress to be worn again.”

Unethical?! We’re talking about a stupid ass dress made out of trash bags! Besides, I saw that same dress on a homeless lady in the park last week and she looked way hotter.

The HBIC of Nina Ricci said he was “upset that she’s upset.” Pony will get over it. He just needs to give Pony a sugar cube, pet her gently on the head and tell her that “she’s such a pretty girl.”

Tatum O’Neal was arrested last night for allegedly buying coke and CRACK in NYC from a homeless man. Coke, I can see, but Crack?! WTF?! ?

Tatum was busted just blocks from her apartment on the Lower East Side. That’s why you’ve got to get a dealer that makes house calls. Well, so I’ve heard…..

A source told The New York Post that the 44-year-old Oscar winner was caught at 7:30 pm. When the cop approached her ass, she said, “You know who I am right?” They responded, “Yeah, a crackhead.” No they didn’t say that. Tatum then told police that she was “researching a part.” Okay, Eva Mendes.

Tatum told cops she’s been clean for 2 years and she begged their asses not to arrest her. Tatum has had major problems with heroin and other drugs in the past.

I blame Dancing with the Stars. All those fugly outfits and shitty music will turn to anyone on to crack.

Ewww…is this really what Clay Gaykin’s sperm looks like under a micro-scope?!? – Perezs Nemesis

Runners-up:

As the pig gave birth, it became all too clear that the farmer had been doing more than feeding her slop during barn time. – Hoozer

You’d be pissed off too if everyone kept trying to tie your nose in a knot! – NitWitty

Lisa Garza from The Next Food Network Star