What better way to start your weekend than by learning how to queef on command! You’ll be the star at all your weekend parties. Seriously, the good hos at Jezebel posted this instructional video from “Stace Hole.” This ho’s vagina should audition for the NYC Opera.

I’m not going to lie. She has major skills, but I can ass queef Beethoven’s entire Symphony No. 5. Can she? Yeah, I thought not.

Thanks Peaches

How many times do I have to tell Alien Princess RiRi to leave the silly hat-wearing to the damn professionals! Methinks she pissed off her stylist something bad. He has her looking like a slow child on Halloween. I mean, 80s prom dress and Tom Hanks’ hat from Polar Express? RiRi better send her stylist a basket of dildos before he sends her out in a mountie hat and some crotchless bloomers. FUG!

Below is video of RiRi working it for the short bus crowd on “Today” this morning:

Fire belly alert! HoHan showed everyone on the set “Labor Pains” where SamRo dumps her sizzling lady spunk every morn, noon and night! You know SamRo rubs her steel wool all over that belly and it makes a fire. Then they makes s’mores on it and watch “Thelma and Louise.” Sorry, I’m stupid.

For once, I don’t want to take a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to HoHan’s skin. She probably stinks like stale ciggie smoke, patchouli, burnt steel wool and fish jerky, but she looks pretty decent on the outside.

Jamie Lynn Spears popped out other Spears spawn yesterday and nobody seemed to care. Seriously, when Jamie Lynn got knocked up, it was major shit and everyone seemed to want to talk about it. But yesterday when she finally gave birth, nobody gave a fuckity fuck! I talked to people about it and they were like, “Yeah? So anyway, I pooped out a perfect banana shape this morning. That means I’m healthy, right?” I’m baffled! But I think I’m more baffled by banana shaped pooped.

Anyway, People Magazine interviewed one of Jamie Lynn’s distant cousins. Margie Busby had this to say, “She’s awfully young to be a momma. But that’s what they make grandmothers for. They have to help. That’s the way it is with our circle of friends.”

That quote says it all. And can’t you picture Margie? Banana clip in her feathered hair, scrunchie on her wrist, one newborn baby in each arm, another baby barfing on her platform flip-flip, a vintage Billy Ray Cyrus cassette blasting in the background and a few chickens running through her double-wide trailer. And she’s probably one of the classier Spears.

Image: INFDaily.com

Thanks Denise

Today’s Crackie of Camden health watch update isn’t positive Our little crackie might have TB.

The Sun reports that Wino has been coughing up blood from a chest infection. I thought she normally coughed up blood? You learn something new every day!

The docs also think she might have tuberculosis because of her massive weight loss and loss of appetite. Shit, that means 90% of those Hollywood twats have TB.

A source said, “She’d been been suffering horrible coughing fits and hurling up blood for a while but refused to be examined. Doctors now believe it is tuberculosis and are doing more tests to be certain.”

Wino is currently on a drip and the docs are trying to wean her ass of drugs. I’ll rub my swollen nipple (don’t ask) for good luck because they need it! The only way to get Wino off drugs is to get the drugs off her! That didn’t make any sense, but I’m still drunk.

I will say a million prayers for Wino at the roulette wheel today! The roulette wheel is my own personal Jesus! Wait…..the doctors didn’t say how her crackhive is holding up? Is it on an IV drip too? SAVE WINO’S CRACKHIVE!!!

Naomi Campbell (or Nomi Macamball as my mother calls her) covered her face in shame today as she entered court. Okay, she’s not covering her face in shame. She’s probably covering her crumbling ass hairline! Homegirl needs to put some manure and donkey piss to make her hair grow back. It works every time. Not really, but I really want to see Naomi put donkey piss on her forehead.

And how the hell did Naomi get Porky Pig’s pepaw to be her lawyer?!

So… Naomi pleaded guilty to four charges of being a Grade-A cunt! The charges stem from an incident at Heathrow airport where Naomi freaked out on two police officers. She also called them names like “blonde bitch” and “motherfucker.” She so sweet.

Naomi will be sentenced later, but Magistrates told her ass they have a community punishment in mind. NOOO!!!!! Hasn’t the community been through enough? Lock her up in the chokey! Maybe the hos in there can fix up her hairline.

UPDATE: Naomi’s sentence has been handed down! Naomi was ordered to complete 200 hours of community service. She’s escaped the chokey! Unfortunately, the community doesn’t have a say in any of this. She will also have to pay $400 to each officer she attacked and $300 to the air captain. (The Sun)