Happy Birfday Tommy Girl! Now Go Buy Some Tickets To Your Beard’s Bore Show!

/ July 3, 2008

46 years ago, mortals were punished for their many sins by receiving a gift named Thomas Cruise Mapother IV. We are still being punished, because the bitch is still here! He just won’t go away. Who knew crazy came in such small packages. Anyway, Tommy Girl will probably celebrate this special day with a game of “Pin the Peen on Tommy’s Ass.” Instead of doing that, he should really celebrate it by buying thousands of tickets for all his alien friends to his robot wifey’s Broadway debut.

Performances for Katie Holmes in “All My Sons” start in September and bitches could care less. According to the NY Post, less than $1 million worth of tickets have been sold. Brokers bought thousands of tickets, thinking the run would sell out within a few days.

Just for the sake of comparision, Nicky Kidman sold $4 million in advance sales when she starred in “The Blue Room” back in 1998. In Katie’s defense, Nicky got nekkid in the play. Thankfully, Katie is keeping her robot parts to herself. I don’t know about you, but red and blue loose wires do nothing for me.

All My Sons” also stars John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson.

As the wise Ouiser Boudreaux from Steel Magnolas once said, “I do not see plays, because I can nap at home for free.” I mean, this shit costs $110! $110 for Katie? NO! $110 for Suri? YES! Producers hired the wrong Cruise.

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The Many Mug Shots Of DMX

/ July 3, 2008

Grass is green, kittens are cute, Shauna Sand is elegant, Tommy Girl’s ass-coochie looks like E.T. and DMX has been arrested AGAIN!!!!! Somebody get the good hos at Guinness World Records on the line, because I think this bitch has beat some sort of record.

Yesterday morning, DMX was arrested in Phoenix on outstanding warrants as soon as he stepped off the plane. Do you think the cops were waiting at baggage with one of those signs that says, “Mr. DMX.”

His lawyer said he knew he was going to be arrested, because he failed to appear in court on other charges. He is being held on a $1,075 bond for driving with a suspended license and a $10,000 bond for other illegal crap.

This bitch has been arrested several times in the past few months. He was arrested last Friday in Florida for trying to buy coke and weed.

Dreamboat Doherty better step up his game! DMX is seriously stealing his shine.

Above is just some of DMX’s many mug shots. The last one is the latest. DMX could give us some damn variety! Ty Ty Banks would not be pleased. He’s giving us the same weepy ass look in every shot. He needs to “smile with his eyes” and pucker up his lips a bit. He’s had enough practice! Bitch needs to take a class at Glamour Shots on how to give us some variety.

Source

Thanks Lana

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Birthday Sluts

/ July 3, 2008

Tommy Girl (46)
Corey Sevier (24)
Ludivine Sagnier (29)
Patrick Wilson (35)
Audra McDonald (38)
Shawnee Smith (38)
Sandra Lee (42)
Connie Nielsen (43)
Yeardley Smith (44)
Hunter Tylo (46)
Montel Williams (52)
Betty Buckley (61)
Tom Stoppard (71)
Ken Russell (81)

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The Future Of Fashion

/ July 2, 2008

The glamorous bitches from the Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints have finally answered their calling and joined the world of fashion. The mommies of the polygamous sect have launched a new website where you can buy their elegant frocks for kids. Unfortunately, they won’t be showing at NYC fashion week anytime soon. They only did it for cash.

One of the polyhos told The Salt Lake Tribune, “Our motive is not to flaunt ourselves or our religion before the world. We have to make a living the same as everyone does.” Damn right! Why stop there? They should put together a pop girl group and a reality show. If you got it, flaunt it.

It’s a shame that this hot shit only comes in children’s sizes. I’ll have to stop eating for a few days, so that I can fit my fat ass into a baby onesie collared shirt. Fundamentalist glamour comes at a price! This shit is not cheap and most of it is made of polyester. They need a new marketing bitch, because they really should called it polygamyester.

P.S. – Those kids on the website are kind of creeping me the fuck out. I didn’t know people were capable of smiling like that.

VIA Jezebel

Thanks Wilma

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