Milo Ventimiglia (31)
Joshua Alba (26)
Sophia Bush (26)
Kathleen Robertson (35)
Beck (38)
Billy Crudup (40)
Michael Weatherly (40)
Joan Osborne (46)
Toby Keith (47)
Kevin Bacon (50)
Angelica Houston (57)
Wolfgang Puck (59)
Janice Pennington (63)
Jeffrey Tambor (64)
Steve Lawrence (73)

Lily Allen heard my pleas and finally got rid of that stale ass cotton candy mop. It was seriously starting to look like Jem’s pussy bush.

Now, I’m not sure about the doody brown color or the janky ass weave, but a change is a change. She also needs to dump those clip-on bangs in the nearest trash can.

Okay, I change my mind. I hate it. Lily, please bring back Jem’s pussy bush!

Star Magazine reports that Drew Barrymore and Justin Long have broken up. Drew’s spokesbitch said, “I can confirm the split but have no other comment.”

33-year-old Drew and the 30-year-old Mac Dude started dating in September 2007. For some reason, I thought they were together for years. I guess time seems to stretch out when you don’t really give a fuck.

They probably broke up because even the Mac Dude couldn’t get Drew the new iPhone. The new iPhone is ruining lives!!

Drew’s intermission between boyfriends is never long, so she’ll probably have a new dude in a couple of weeks. Any bets on who it might be? I’m going to go with Vince Vaughn. Or has she already hit that? I can never keep up with these Hollywood sluts.

The Queen of Everything and her pet lezzie, Gayelle King, are currently on vacation in Italy. The Italians around Oprah should really be on their knees, bowing down in her presence. I’m sure they will be executed later for not following the rules.

Stedman didn’t come along, because the sound of Oprah and Gayelle’s scissor slapping keeps him up at night and he’s a total bitch if he doesn’t get his 8 hours. Besides, all Oprah and Gayelle plan to do in Italy is eat, eat, eat, eat, eat and eat! And I’m not talking about food eating. Although, I’m sure there will be plenty of that too.

I didn’t know Mischa Barton was the new face for Tyrone panties! I don’t even know what Tyrone panties is!

A loverly reader named Zaira was doing her weekly grocery shopping at the 99 Cent Store (I’m joking!) when she came upon Mischa’s newest ad campaign. Here’s what Zaira wrote:

On my way to work I pass a 99 cents store every day, and I go in often because I’m ghetto and will buy bootleg Windex and brooms. So I’m going through the aisle and I see that this store sells everything, the kitchen sink, your moms, and panties. Below is the picture of the panties they are selling. I’m pretty sure Mischa Barton doesn’t want you to know she’s hawking 99 cent store panties.

Hey, at least they were nice enough to airbrush her cotty cheese. You know Mischa agreed to shit. She did it in exchange for a half-smoked joint.

And yes, it’s a slow day.

Okay, so we all know Kanye West is a little delusional in the brains and may get dramatic every now and again, but he does not need anger management! According to The Sun (via MTV), his management people thinks his temper might fuck up future business ventures, so they’ve asked him to get some help.

A source said, “Kanye’s management team came up with the idea. His mood swings were beginning to play a part in his commercial enterprises as people felt he was miserable all the time. The rapper is in line for deals with two big firms but both have started asking how easy he would be to work with.”

Kanye needs to pull out the CAPS on his management team and tell them to SHUT THE FUCK UP, BECAUSE THEY HAVE SQUID BRAINS.

Good luck to his management whores in trying to find a joint that will take Kanye. They shut the doors for his insane ass.

Maybe Kanye should hire Zoila from “Flipping Out.” She seems to calm down Mr. Jeff. I’m sure she can calm Kanye down too. Zoila can do anything. I can already hear her saying, “Are you bite me Kanye?”