Meth Face Married The Nanny

/ July 10, 2008

Remember Ethan Hawke? Yeah, me neither. Well, he got married to his knocked up girlfriend, Ryan Shawhughes, three weeks ago. People reports that the two twats are expecting a baby girl soon. This Ethan’s second marriage.

Ryan and Ethan met while he was still married to Uma Thurman. She worked as their nanny. They claim they started dating after he divorced Uma. Uh…huh…and I don’t slather apple butter on myself hoping my dog licks it off. I’M JOKING! Don’t call Peta!

Hopefully, dumb bitch Ryan is smart enough not to hire a nanny for their new baby. And if her lazy ass insists on getting one, she better hire a 300lb toofless beast.

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Ooops

/ July 10, 2008

I’m sure you’ve seen this shit, but let’s watch it together again as a family. Last night, Bill O’Reilly (sucio) showed footage of Rev. Jesse Jackson talking shit about Barack Obama during a break. Jesse Jackson has been on TV at least a million times, but for some reason Squid Brains thought the mics were turned off.

I don’t like politics, but I do like it when pepaws threaten to cut someone’s nuts off. I love how he’s whispering like no one can hear his ass. Hahaha! That’s what he gets for going on Fox News. I also love the face and gesture he makes when threatening to cut off Obama’s nuts. He means business.

Jesse has already apologized and Obama has already accepted his apology. Jesse better have apologized to Obama’s nuts too. That wasn’t nice.

And you know the bitches at Fox News and Bill O’Reilly circle jerked to this video over and over again.

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Xtina’s Lip Gloss Addiction

/ July 10, 2008

Xtina was having dinner at The Ivy on June 27th and some bitch actually counted the number of times she greased her lips. A witness told Star Magazine (via Popcrunch) they watched her reapply her lip gloss more than 30 times.

The witness said, “She would take a bite of her calamari, then reapply her gloss, then take a bite of bread and reapply again.”

How many times do you think she fucks up and accidentally eats the lip gloss and reapplies her lips with Calamari?

I doubt that’s lip gloss. It’s probably a mixture of Fen-phen, coke, Alli, E-Z Tan and breast enlargement powder.

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Booby Bat

/ July 10, 2008

File this under: Bitch must be smoking some of the pure shit! Meet 19-year-old Abbie Hawkins from England. One afternoon, Abbie was working at her job as a hotel receptionist when she felt vibrating coming from her chichi area. Apparently, Abbie regularly keeps her cell phone in her chichis, because she figured her phone was the cause of all that shaking. I would’ve let the nipple tickling continue all fucking day! Shit, I would’ve headed to the nearest bathroom with an International Male catalog in my hands. Nipple party!

When Abbie went to grab what she thought was her mobile phone, she found a baby bat instead! According to her stupid ass, the bat had been there for about five hours. She said it was just lying in her bra. It was probably thinking, “Bitch, I’m taking a dump. Give me some privacy!”

Abbie told The Daily Mail, “I did not notice anything as I put my bra on. The night before I had had one or two drinks and I was getting ready quickly. The bra was in my drawer but it had been on the washing line the day before. When I was driving to work I felt a slight vibration but I thought it was just my mobile phone in my jacket pocket. It was quite a busy morning and I did not for one minute think it was anything other than my mobile.

The hotel’s manager helped Abbie get the bat out of her bra (I’m sure he did) and he set it free.

Wait until the bitch finds the family of wombats living in her chocha. This bitch is dense! And I’m sure that poor baby bat flew to the nearest looney bin for psychiatric treatment. He’s never going to be the same again.

And Xtina says “there’s a bat in my chichis” at least four times a week.

Below are more pictures of dumb fuck Abbie posing with some plastic bat. No wonder she didn’t notice the baby bat in her chichis, she has wonk eye for days!

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The Photoshop Awards: JHud’s Album Cover

/ July 10, 2008

It looks like somebody has been using Mimi’s body double. Or maybe Mimi just let Jennifer Hudson borrow her 10-man Photoshopping team?

JHud’s waist looks like it’s about to put up a white flag and call “mercy.” It’s obviously in major trauma from the 10 pairs of Spanx, 3 girdles and 25 layers of Saran-Wrap holding it down. I’m sure a couple of gay stylists were severely injured when they removed that belt from her waist.

Source: ONTD

Thanks Edgardo

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