Thomas Lennon – Lt. Jim Dangle from Reno 911!

For Tamar

Matthew Fox (42)
Taboo (33)
Jackie Earle Haley (47)
Jane Lynch (48)
Joel Silver (56)
Tommy Mottola (58)
Vincent Pastore (62)
Polly Bergen (77)
Harry Dean Stanton (82)

White Oprah better step up her game, because there’s a new fake ass bitch in town. Lindsay HoHan’s alleged secret half-sister and her sleazy mommy spoke to The Insider and they really brought the drama. Did the John Robert Powers acting school have a 2-for-1 mother/daughter special, because they are phenomenal actresses.

You can really feel the raw emotion pouring out of HoHan’s secret half-sister when she says, “I’d love to meet my thiblings. I’d love that. But not with him. Not now….” DAMN! HoHan should take acting classes from this girl.

The mommy really brings it at the end when she cries glycerin tears and says, “I didn’t want this….I just didn’t. Michael gave me no choice.” Standing ovation! That’s some Lifetime movie shit right there.

I can’t wait until Michael Lohan’s paternity results come back. These two are going to bring it hardcore. Clip below:

Thanks Alex

Mayor Christian Estrosi of Nice, France held a fucking press conference today to show off the birth certificates of the twin messiahs aka Hard Knox and Vivie Jolie-Pitt. The hell?! Is this normal?

I’m surprised his ass didn’t come prancing out with Saint Angelina’s golden placenta in one hand and the chosen ones’ umbilical cords in the other. Yeah, scratch that. They didn’t have umbilical cords, because they dropped from the heavens above.

Mayor Christian told reporters, “On behalf of the inhabitants of Nice, I congratulate the happy parents, the most famous couple of the world who have chosen our city for this happy event. I also congratulate the four brothers and sisters of the newborns who are [history won’t forget it] real ‘Niçois’ (‘citizens of Nice’). It’s a pride to Nice and all its citizens.”

Ok, how much did Brangelina pay his ass? I’m waiting for him to announce that they are changing the name of their city from Nice to Brangelinaville.

Not only did the mayor hold a press conference, but so did her doctor. Dr. Michel Sussmann said that Brad was in the room with Saint Angelina. He said, “It was an epidural, so [Angelina] was awake and speaking and laughing. They were happy.” Dr. Michel went on to say that Brad even cut their umbilical cords. Okay, so they did have umbilical cords. Expect to see their crystal cords on eBay.

Who the hell is going to give a press conference next? The janitor?

I guess I should also take part in celebrating this totallyamazingspecialwonderfulfantasticholy day. I will celebrate by getting shitbombed for the second time today! Hooray! I wish everyday was Brangelina day!

Don’t even fucking ask which is the beauty and which is the beast. Don’t! If you don’t know, then you need to immediately stick your head in a dirty toilet as punishment. The Empress of Lucite has no business cavorting with peons like Christian Audigier. The douche is from fucking Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy! If Shauna Sand did go poo poo, she would use his clothes to wipe her extremely elegant ass with.

I mean, look at her! It’s like looking at a one-of-a-kind Waterford crystal goblet next to a plastic cup from Big Lots. She should be dining with royalty, not smoking on the streets with commoners. At least she’s wearing her exquisite lucite heels. If only I could be one of her exquisite lucite heels for just one day. It would make everything so…clear.

Anyway, Shauna Sand partied with peasants at STK last night. Margaret Cho was there with La Pequena. Okay, that’s not La Pequena. It’s Selena Luna, but they are probably separated at birth.

The Piv in a v-neck and Sean Penn also showed up. Those two probably fought over which one of them was going to suck on Shauna’s scrumptious toes. Her toe jam is probably like fine pate.

Cruelle de Stone really doesn’t have any love for our animal friends. Ernest Borgnine, who starred with Sharon Stone in Wes Craven’s “Deadly Blessing,” says that while shooting the movie Wes kept trying to get Sharon to do a scene with a huge tarantula.

Ernest writes in his new autobiography that she only agreed to do it under one condition, “Sharon wanted the spider’s pincers removed . . . Since someone from the ASPCA might be reading, let’s just skip what happened next.”

The ASPCA didn’t respond, but Peta did! They told Page Six, “She chose to make a tiny insect an amputee. Perhaps she should change her name legally to ‘Heart of Stone.’ ” Hmm…Heart of Stone? That has a nice ring to it. Sharon’s spokeswhore laughed it off by saying, “If the tarantula was a male, we could add him to her list of her extraordinary leading men, including Richard Chamberlain, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Richard Gere & Dustin Hoffman.”

I’m disappointed in Cruella de Stone. I thought she ate live tarantulas for breakfast. She probably turned the tarantula’s sphincters (typo, but I’m keeping it) into earrings.

Below is the scene from the movie starring Sharon and the poor spider. I’m surprised Sharon cared so much. She should be used to having hairy things in her mouth.