Legal ass alert! Nick Hogan will turn 18 on Sunday which means he will be moved from juvenile jail to adult jail until his release in October. That’s if a judge doesn’t kill the fun and order for him to stay on the juvi side. The adult jail sounds right up Nick’s alley. TMZ has a description:

It’s an open dormitory type of setting where he’ll be in close contact with other adult inmates. The inmates are either awaiting sentencing or have already been sentenced in cases ranging from misdemeanors to felonies.

Happy Barfday! Nick’s ass will be the cake and everyone will get a piece. I would say “don’t drop the soap,” but who uses soap anymore? Don’t drop the body wash, Nick!

Vadge strikes me as one of those insane people who can work 48 hours straight without sleeping and without help from drugs or caffeine. Those kind of people freak me out. I can barely go 2 hours without falling asleep. Yes, I’m lazy.

Well, Vadge’s workaholic ways might be catching up with her. Vadge is currently working on her “Dry & Sour” world tour and sources claims she’s fired two dancers and her tour manager is about to quit. Her marriage problems, the A-Rod drama and her brother’s book are the reasons why she’s about to breakdown. Bitch needs a Calgon moment.

A source told The Sun, “She feels nobody has taken her side. One of her closest pals says she has never seen Madonna so low. She has been feeling low and looking really gaunt. Madonna was told to go soft on work and rehearsals, so she will now take one proper day off every week and go easy in the mornings.”

Her doctors also told her that she’s anaemic. They recommended that she take some time off, so she’s doing just that at Fishsticks Paltrow’s house in the Hamptons.

I think Vadge has forgotten how to have fun. Everything is work, work, work. And when she’s not working, she’s working out. All that exercise has probably made her ass lips all buff, which means she has trouble taking a dump. No wonder she’s tense!

Also, I bet you her pussy hasn’t barfed since the late 90s. She needs a good old-fashioned orgasm to set her straight again.

Did Cristiano Ronaldo baste himself in Vaseline, Crisco and Wesson? Whatever hair he had on his legs is fucking gone. He fried that shit right off. I think I’m getting skin cancer just by looking at these pictures.

That being said, I’d hit it. Wait, does too much sun make your dick shrink? What do I care? I’d still hit it even if he does have a hermie-peen.

When I first read the line, “Amy Winehouse Volunteers to Help Drug Addicts,” I immediately though to myself, “Help them with what? Help them to be better crackheads?” I mean, is she going to hold their hair back while they hit the pipe? According to Amy Wino’s friends, she wants to counsel them.

One friend told Heat Magazine, “She’s spoken to rehab centers and addiction clinics about doing volunteer work and has offered to do some talks to the in-patients about her experiences and how she overcame what have been some of the hardest, darkest days of her life. Her family have been a rock for her and she feels like she owes others something.”

Hmmm…Wino is up to something. She probably used up all her druggie contacts, so she’s trying to fill up her Rolodex with new ones. You know, she’s just networking.

Wino is going to find it extremely difficult to talk to someone who won’t stop laughing due to the fact that they’re getting counseled by the one and only Crackie of Camden.

HoHan was on the NYC set of “Ugly Betty” today wearing her signature leggings. Leggings in the fucking summer? It’s not that bad in NYC today, but yesterday felt like the inside of a hot, dirty diaphragm. I walked outside and immediately had to go back inside to take a shower. Nasty.

HoHan’s vagina must be panting like a chihuahua in the hot sun. I’m sure SamRo will clean up her gina boogies later.

Speaking of leggings, HoHan’s line of slut pants are selling out! Intuition sold out of that shit after only one week. They’ve already started a waiting list. Damn. I guess the demand for blow-job leggings is greater than I expected.

Natalie Portman dressed up as a Bollywood princess for her boyfriend’s new video, “Carmensita.” Natalie and folk singer Devendra Banhart have been boinking for about 4 months now.

I sort of have a minor crush on the bearded lady known as Devendra Banhart. I mean, Devendra Banhart sounds like the name of a silent movie star from the 1920s or the name of a gay pirate. And I like silent movie stars and gay pirates!

He’s dreamy even though his music confuses my eardrums. Is this crap even music? Halfway through this shit, I actually forgot I was watching a music video. I was starting to confuse it with one of those annoying Fandango puppet commercials.

VIA People