Wino In Wax

/ July 23, 2008

Amy Wino’s wax figure was unveiled today in London and the Crackie of Camden wasn’t there, but her parents were. Ugh. They are such attention whores. I thought Mitch Wino was on his death bed or some shit? He had a miraculous recovery when he found out there was going to be cameras there.

Anyway, he told reporters that Wino is doing well, she’s sad about Blaaake not coming home and blah..blah..blah.. He also joked about her wax figure, “Yeah, it’s great. We just said we’re going to take this one home with us and send the real one back.” He’s not joking.

If you ask me, the wax figure looks nothing like Wino! Her wax skin isn’t falling off! Where’s her signature crack pox? Where’s her cat poo stained ballet slippers, her raggedy gold belt, her crackie coochie cutters and her burnt up fingers? This is not exact likeness! Wino didn’t even look this clean when she was a baby. They could have at least put a crackpipe in one hand and an ice pop in the other.

Do you think that if you press her belly button, she screams “Blaaaaaaaaaake“? I should fucking hope so.

They also better be 24-hour security around this thing. Wino is going to break in, steal it and then try to smoke it up. You know it’s her life-long dream to smoke herself up.

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Stoner Baby

/ July 23, 2008

Little Baby Levi is already awesome. While he was in the womb, Matthew McConaughey probably taught him how to make a bong with his umbilical cord. That way he can get an early start. The minute I saw Baby Levi on OK! Magazine, “Because I Got High” started playing in my head. He looks baked! Awww…I was about his age when I had my first joint too. Memories.

Matthew also talked about finding out the sex of their baby in the delivery room, “I said, ‘Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we’d been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila]. It was neat to find out what the sex was because we didn’t have the doctor tell us beforehand. I’ve pulled out some baby pictures of myself, and the resemblance is amazing. This kid has a lot to learn from us. I want him to come out being a little wiser, a little cooler and a little happier than we are.”

Don’t worry Matthew, he’s already cooler than you.

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Birthday Sluts

/ July 23, 2008

Daniel Radcliffe (19)
Ayaka Komatsu (22)
Michelle Williams of Destiny’s Child (28)
Omar Epps (35)
Monica Lewinsky (35)
Marlon Wayans (36)
Alison Krauss (37)
Charisma Carpenter (38)
Stephanie Seymour (40)
Philip Seymour Hoffman (41)
Slash (43)
Eriq La Salle (46)
Woody Harrelson (47)
Edie McClurg (57)
Don Imus (68)

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Mimi Still Dresses Like A 12-Year-Old From The 1980s

/ July 22, 2008

Does anybody here speak butterfly-talk? Can you please let this bitch know to stop buying her clothes in the juniors department at Kohl’s. Mimi has a closet the size of fucking Greenland and this is the kind of shit she pulls out of it? Shit, she probably wore this same outfit when she was 12. Looking like a prostitot from the Reagan era is not cute.

Here’s the ever-delusional Mimi outside of MTV studios in NYC today.

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