Surprise, Surprise

/ July 27, 2008

The mega dick bag known as Shia LaDouche was arrested on suspicion of felony DUI this morning in Hollywood. This wasn’t just your regular DUI either. This dumb douche could have killed someone.

According to TMZ, Shia made an illegal left turn in front of a car at the intersection of La Brea and Fountain. This caused the other car to hit Shia at which point his car rolled. Or as Brit Brit would say “roled.” Apparently, Shia was clearly drunk at the scene.

The victim and Shia were both taken to the hospital. Shia seriously injured his hand and will need surgery. Hopefully, he didn’t fuck up his jack off hand. Actually, it doesn’t matter. He’s not going to need his jack off hand in jail.

Shia’s passenger suffered a minor head injury. The victim is currently being treated for minor injuries as well. Right now, the police are deciding whether or not to book him on felony DUI or misdemeanor DUI. Either way, he should be charged with being a first class FUCKTARD.

Shia was arrested last year for being a drunken mess at a Walgreen’s in Chicago. So Shia getting a DUI isn’t much of a surprise.

The thing is, I am trying to like Shia, but he’s letting the gene known as “doucheness” take over.

UPDATE: Shia is one lucky douche. TMZ reports that he won’t be charged with felony DUI, but he will be charged with misdemeanor DUI. He’s currently in surgery having his left hand fixed. His female passenger and the male victim had minor injuries including bruises and shit.

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Birthday Sluts

/ July 27, 2008

Julian McMahon (40)
Cheyenne Kimball (18)
Nick Hogan (18)
Jonathan Rhys-Meyers (31)
Alex Rodriguez (33)
Maya Rudolph (36)
Takashi Shimizu (36)
Maria Grazia Cucinotta (39)
Triple H (39)
Juliana Hatfield (41)
Bill Engvall (51)
Yahoo Serious (55)
Maureen McGovern (59)
Peggy Fleming (60)

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Wino With Friends

/ July 26, 2008

The friends that I’m talking about are Spliff and Vodka. Wino’s other best friend, Crack Pipe, couldn’t come out.

The Crackie of Camden was out in London early this morning doing what she does best. I’m jealous that she gets to walk around with a bottle of vodka like that. It would make me the happiest hobag in the entire world if I could just walk the streets with a huge bottle of vodka without getting lip from the police. Instead, I have to take the time to pour that shit into a water bottle. Wouldn’t that be ironic if Wino actually had water in that vodka bottle? Yeah, not a fucking chance. It’s probably liquid crack, if there is such a thing.

Here’s Wino with Mick Whitnall and her hooker friends walking the streets this morning. When I first saw her acid wash jeans, I immediately thought, “Is this bitch on crack?!” But I really should have thought, “Is this crackhead on vegetables?!”

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HoHan Hit By A Bike

/ July 26, 2008

HoHan was mowed down by a bike while leaving a club with SamRo in NYC last night. Dyke hit by a bike! Her driver took her ass to the hospital and she was out by 4am. I’m sure she went home and got mowed down again by SamRo. I’m not sure what that meant, but it sounded lesbianey, so I threw it in.

Michael Lohan told the New York Post, “She’s not hurt. That’s all I really care about.” Yup, I’m sure that’s all he cares about. As soon as he found out about the accident, he called HoHan’s lawyer first to see if he was in her will at all. The lawyer couldn’t talk because White Oprah was on the other line.

Whoever hit HoHan’s ass, did it on purpose. It’s just natural instinct. You’re riding down the street, you see HoHan walking out of a club, and you can’t help but want to hit her ass. 25 points! Seriously, as long as SamRo wasn’t injured, that’s all I care about.

Here’s our favorite cokey gayelles out and about in NYC a couple of days ago.

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Move Over, Michelle Duggar

/ July 26, 2008

This is Alexandru Ionce and his wifey Livia from Canada. The welcomed their 18th child, a girl, into this cruel world last Tuesday. Yes, 18th. Ten plus eight. Michelle Duggar has some serious competition. Michelle is currently knocked up with her 18th.

44-year-old Livia’s 17 other kids range in age from 20 months to 23 years old. 10 girls and 8 boys. None of them were twins and all except one were born naturally. Livia’s got the Hoover Dam of coochies.

Livia said that they had hoped their 18th kid was girl, so things would be even. They aren’t sure if they are going to keep having kids. Alexandru said, “We just let God guide our lives, you know, because we strongly believe life comes from God and that’s the reason we did not stop the life. We let life come.” Oh, I bet you did. Who knew that such an elf of a man could have such powerful spermies.

Alexandru works in the construction industry and Livia stays home with their fifty five million kids. They should put all those kids to work. Sweat shop! I’m sure Walmart would hook them up.

After giving birth to 17 babies naturally, I’m sure labor is a breeze. Livia doesn’t even need to push. The baby just stands up and walks out of her vagina like nothing.

Below is an itty bitty picture of Alexandru, Livia and their 17 kids. Their kids’ names are (are you ready?): Ioana, Alexandra, Anca, Adrian, Raluca, Alex, Lidia, Timothy, Sefora, Otniel, Miriam, Simion, David, Aaron, Naomi and Filip. Their newest kid’s name is Abigail. I hope they make their kids wear name tags because their brains are going to explode trying to remember all those names.

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