This Dog Really Hates Her Ass

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Jessica Simpson left a special holiday message to her fans on SweetKisses:

“happy holidays to all of my fans. i am spending much needed family time in the colorado rockies. i send y’all my genuine huge smile hoping it makes its way to brighten your christmas day…very dorky rhyme, but hey what can i say…i am a dork. daisy doesn’t enjoy the role of santa in this picture, but the idea was just too cute to resist. i love all of y’all with my whole heart and my hope is for each and every one of your christmas wishes to come true. thank you for always inspiring me to be better in everything that i do. xo jess”

Can’t capitalize much? She failed to mention that Daisy lost it after this picture was taken and mauled her face. Hey, dreams do come true!

Just Pull It a Few More Inches Down….

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Mariah Carey took some kind of extra-large coat contraption and made it into a hoody. She covered up her fat head as she left her mother’s store in Aspen. She needs to pull that sweater a few more inches down to cover up that hippo of hers. God, I’m mean. It’s Christmas! Ok, Mimi is a gorgeous human being with a beautiful soul.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger Breaks Ass While Skiing, Needs Surgery

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Okay okay, he didn’t break his ass but that sounds so much funnier than saying he broke his femur. The femur is close to the ass anyway, so I wasn’t that far off. So…Arnold “The Governer” Schwarzenegger broke his femur while skiing with his family in Idaho over the weekend. He has returned to California and they will operate today to fix that problem.

His spokeswhore said, “I have spoken to the governor several times since the skiing accident occurred and he is very comfortable.”

Arnold is expected to go on crutches for the next 8 weeks. I’m more surprised that Arnold actually gets on skis. That’s like seeing an obese bear trying to hold his balance on a 1-inch piece of ribbon suspended 25-feet from the ground while holding a delicious pot of honey on his head. No wonder stupid ass broke his ass!

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You Know You Want This

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Simon Cowell spent his Christmas holiday giving his pasty mantits some tanning in Barbados. He was joined by the hotness that is Michael Winner. Hmm…what wouldn’t I give to be the pastrami and cheese in that hunk sandwich!

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Call the Kids Inside, Las Vegas!

December 26, 2006 / Posted by:

Jacko is in town! Michael Jackson has already landed in the beautiful city of Las Vegas and purchased this beat down Spanish style home. Jacko is in town to work out a deal to perform a sitdown show at one of the casinos ala Celine Dion style. Jacko arrived with his kids on Saturday via private jet and immediately went to his new home.

He spent Christmas causing a riot at the Caesar forum shops. His 3 security guards couldn’t control the crowd and Miss Jackson bolted after 15-minutes of shopping.

Las Vegas dealmaker Jack Wishna is apparently working with Jacko to bring something to Vegas next year. He said, “We are working on several projects. Michael is one of the greatest entertainers in the world. He is poised to return to the top of the entertainment world soon.”

He should just save Caesar’s some money and take over Celine’s show as is. I mean he has the wigs and the figure. He can sort of sing like her. His legs would look much better in her gowns anyway.

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