I hope everyone in L.A. is okay and didn’t drop any booze during or after the earthquake. Unfortunately, Wonky McValtrex or any of those other twats were not injured. We’ll get ’em next time!

Anydrunky, it is Shia LaDouche’s lucky day. Although, I’m not sure I should use the word “lucky.” It was determined that he wasn’t at fault for the car accident on Sunday morning. The Sheriff’s office said that the other driver ran a red light and will be cited.

Shia was arrested on misdemeanor DUI charges, but he hasn’t been arraigned yet.

I’m sure Shia is going to celebrate the only way a douche knows how……..with whiskey shots!

Source

….Well, except for that bag of donut grease ogling at the Empress of Lucite. His hairy eyeballs are not worthy of staring at such pristine elegance. He should be on his doughy knees, kissing her lucite footprints. Even the trees and that trash can are staring at Shauna Sand’s magnificent beauty. You can’t help but not!

Shauna spent an exhausting afternoon at the pool in Miami on Sunday. Seriously, it must be so tiring being that gorgeous. It’s good thing I wasn’t there. Not only would I have stolen her exquisite lucite heels while she was in the pool, but I also would have downed gallons of that pool water after she got out. That shit is like blessed holy water from the heavens.

Former Vice President Dan Quayle is reportedly in the running to join the cast of “Dancing with the Has-Beens Stars.”

Extra reports that Dan is on the short bus list along with Kim KardASSIAN, Lance Bass, Florence Henderson and Warren Sapp. Al Sharpton has already said he rejected an offer to do the tango.

ABC is seriously asking the wrong politician. Dan Quayle is about as exciting as this post. ABC should really ask Larry Craig. The bitch already knows how to tap dance and I’m sure he has the time.

ABC will announce the entire cast in the next couple of weeks. Seriously, Larry Craig better be on that list.

82-year-old Jerry Lewis was making his way through security at Las Vegas’ McCarran International Airport when they discovered an unloaded gun in his carry-on. They probably wanted to ask Jerry, “Is that a gun or you just happy to see me,” but I’m pretty sure Jerry’s “gun” hasn’t been cocked in a while.

According to Entertainment Tonight, Jerry said he didn’t realize he had a gun in there. He told security that family members had used his bag. When all else fails, blame your family.

Jerry was only cited for carrying a concealed weapon without a permit.

Boo! Airport security really missed an opportunity to give the world an amazing mug shot. They should have called the police and had his pepaw ass arrested. That mug shot would have been tore up! The stuff mug shot dreams are made of!

Start the divorce countdown! Marc Jacobs might have gotten married this past weekend – Towleroad

It looks like Jenna Jameson’s vagina finally exploded – Hollywood Tuna

Balthazar Getty is keeping his hole shut – Popsugar

Maggie Gyllenhag in a hot dress – Lainey Gossip

Vadge’s plastic surgery makeover is almost complete – Cityrag

Miley Cyrus is a lady – IDLYITW

Kiki Dunst walking around in her nightgown – Just Jared

WTF of the day: Pamela Anderson could have been Agent Scully – Hollywood Rag

Paulina Rubio in a bikini with a furry friend (I’m not talking about her snatch) – Egotastic!

Elisabetta Gregoraci is one smart bitch (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Scream “YES!!!!” from your cubicle or wherever you are, because you know you would hit that shit in a flash. You would sweat on that oldie!

Everyone knows that if you let Richard Simmons stick the tip in, you’ll live forever. Not only will you live forever, but you’ll shit rainbows too.

Here’s happiest homo in all the land outside of “The Late Show” last night.