Even rich motherfuckers can’t resist playing Scratchers. Whoopi Goldberg probably wipes her ass with those things. I’ll admit that I like picking up one or two from time to time. I like scratching off the cute lil’ pots of gold and leprechauns. They disappear with the swipe of a penny! Imagine that!

Hopefully, Whoopi won big. That way she can give the money to Sherri Shepherd along with a note that says, “Be gone, bitch!”

And Whoopi smokes REDS?! Cough. Even typing that shit makes my lungs jump. That shit is not for amateurs. The last time I smoked a Red, my lungs went on strike.

Buddy from “Charles in Charge” is broke as a joke – Celebitchy

The whores of “Lost” are greedy – I’m Not Obsessed

Ben Stiller regrets raising his kids in L.A. – ICYDK

Jamie Foxx’s baby bump – A Socialite’s Life

Simon LeBon digs for nuts – SOW

Tori the Hutt’s fake titties are caving in – Celebrity Dirty Laundry

Kiefer Sutherland dropped the soap – Holy Moly!

Saint Angelina barely gifted the world with the twin messiahs and she’s already going back to work. Angie Jo is expected to replace Tommy Girl as the lead in “Edwin A. Salt.” I’m guessing they’re going to change the title to “Edwina A. Salt.”

Tommy has been linked to the project for a while, but everyone involved probably changed their minds about him when said, “I want my character to have really big hands. HUGE hands. And I want him to dance around. Dancing and huge hands. Glib.”

In “Salt,” Angie will play “a CIA officer who’s accused by a defector of being a Russian sleeper spy and must elude capture long enough to establish her innocence.” The movie is currently being rewritten for her.

Let’s see, another action movie where Angie raises one eyebrow at least a dozen times, pouts while shooting a gun and does it all in leather pants. Lunesta fest! The studio should just put the movie together using clips from “Wanted,” Mr. & Mrs. Smith,” “Tomb Raider” and “Gone in Sixty Seconds.” Maddox should be the lead in this Salt movie. Not Angie!

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Sienna Miller was trying to pump in peace, but the paparazzi just wouldn’t let her! Cock blockers! The hobag tried to get filled in Mali-boo-hoo yesterday when she was surrounded by photographers. She begged them to leave her ass alone and when asked about Balthazar Getty, she said, “I’m just trying to fill up my fucking car!”

Sienna finally had enough and asked one of the gas station attendants to pump her up. After he filled her, Sienna drove to the police station to ask for help. They escorted her back to her hotel.

You know what Sienna needs? She needs a few lessons about how to deal with the paparazzi from our very own international supermodel Phoebe Price. Chicken Cutlets can teach her how to take a situation like this and turn it into your very own photo shoot. Sienna could have posed with that pump or leaned against her car in a sultry way. The possibilities are endless!

Hollywood will never stop murdering our beloved classics, but this time they are taking a gem from the silver screen and butchering it for television. ABC has ordered a TV pilot based on “The Witches of Eastwick.” NBC shot a pilot for Eastwick in 1992, but it never got picked up. Um….shouldn’t that have been a sign to ABC?

The new pilot will be written by Maggie Friedman who has written a few episodes of “Dawson’s Creek.” Variety reports that it will be a “variation” of the movie. Translation: It will be a caca version of the movie.

At this point, I’ve given in to Hollywood sending our favorites to the guillotine. Nothing really shocks me anymore. They could fucking remake “Gone with the Wind” with Heidi and Spencer in the leads and I wouldn’t be surprised. The whores of Hollywood are mass murderers!

And I doubt the shitty Witches of Eastwick TV show will feature such amazing lines as “I always like a little pussy after lunch” or “I hope his dick is bigger than his I.Q.” Speaking of Heidi Montag, she’s totally going to be in Eastwick. Believe it.

I’ve always wanted to see Robert Downey Jr. with a moustache, but this isn’t what I had in mind. Usually a moustache can make a dude look like an evil child toucher or a porn star from the 70s. RDJ looks more like the latter. Personally, I’m into it. It’s looks like one of those furry, black catepillars lounging on his lip. RDJ wore his furry friend to the “Tropic Thunder” premiere last night where he was joined by his wifey.

Matthew McConaughey also tore himself away from his double bong to show up to the premiere. Thankfully, he left Levi Strauss at home. It’s also a good thing that he kept his sunglasses on. Bloodshot stoner eyes never look good in pictures.

Also, I just looked up the cast of this Tropic Thunder shit on IMDB and it says Tyra Banks plays herself in it! Why the hell wasn’t she at the premiere?! Shit, why wasn’t the premiere held on her show?! Hell, why wasn’t it called “Tyra Thunder” instead?!