Why in Bindi Irwin hell did Ty Ty crimp her weave?! If you ask her about it, she’ll probably say, “Oh! I invented crimped hair. Don’t you know?” Yes, I do know. I also know that I’ve had a fascination with crimped hair ever since I was a little homo child playing with my sister’s Barbies.

My favorite Barbie was the one who looked like she could smooth wood with her hair. I’m talking about Beach Barbie (or maybe it was Skipper?). I loved that bitch. I wanted crimped hair so bad because of her. For Christmas one year, my sister got one of those irons with changeable plates including a crimped one. I used the fuck out of that shit. If I had pubic hair back then, I would’ve crimped it.

That being said, Ty Ty looks like something out of The Fifth Element.

Ty Ty crimped her hair yesterday to celebrate Vogue Italia’s all-black issue with Chanel Iman, Stacey McKenzie, Selita Banks, Veronica Webb, Toccara, Beverly Johnson and many other models. Naomi Campbell wasn’t there. Well, probably because seeing Ty Ty’s face makes her want to beat a bitch with a Blackberry and she’s trying to work on that.

Well, they were right. That’s if you believe the Daily Mirror. Some ho told them that John Mayer has du-du-dumped Jennifer Aniston because he’s not ready to give up his man whore ways. The two apparently tried to make it work by going on a little relationship hiatus. That didn’t work, so they called it a day.

The source said, “John took the decision to end things as he felt he just wasn’t ready for the level of commitment that Jennifer deserved. Contrary to reports, Jen didn’t want to have kids or marry this year, but she did want to set a timetable for their future together. Initially Jennifer was furious when he told her of his decision but now she’s simply sad – not to mention a little heartbroken.” Not to mention that he should probably keep his car in the garage for a while. And all his pet bunny rabbits indoors. You know, just in case.

Oh well, it’s back to the old maid drawing board for Jenny! The NYDN reports that she’s not spending her days cutting out John’s face from pictures while screaming the lyrics to “Your Body is a Wonderland.” She’s apparently already dating someone else. You know, Jenny needs to take a breather and get to know herself. Don’t go the Kate Hudson route of flapping her vagina all over town.

Jenny has been to Mayer and Vince Vaughn and anywhere she could run……she’s beeeeeen to PITTadise, but she’s never been to her. Oh God. I’m sorry for that. That song has been stuck in my head for the past 5 days ever since I watched Priscilla again on TV. I just had to let it out!

Worldwide Entertainment Group Inc. filed a lawsuit yesterday against Wonky McValtrex (that’s her legal name) for not properly promoting some bunk ass movie she was in. According to the lawsuit, Wonky was paid $1 million to star in and promote “National Lampoon’s Pledge This!.” Since Wonky starred in it, they should have changed the name to “National Poon’s Pledge This!.”

World Entertainment Group should also sue themselves for being dumb enough to pay that wonky-eyed skank $1 million. Although, according to IMDB the movie made $1.5 million worldwide.

They are asking for only $75,000 in damages.

Can they also request a sentence of life in prison? Or maybe they can ask the court to send her to Guantanamo as punishment? Actually, can they also send the people that actually paid to see this shit show to prison as well? I’m sure it’s against the law somewhere. Check the book!

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KFed’s influence is taking over! I wonder if SPF and JJ know how to say “popozao” yet? They definitely know how to say “pass the joint.” And why are they wearing their communion suits with those hats. I’m nitpicking now! They look clean and they aren’t holding mommy’s cigarettes, so that’s a plus. Although, SPF could be holding her cigs. Anymess, Brit Brit gave her first interview to OK! Magazine because she probably needed the extra money to buy more Slim Jims and Cheetos.

What’s funny to me is that Brit Brit said that she doesn’t really want her boys to pursue a career in show business. She said, “I’d rather not. But but I’d love them unconditionally if they wanted to. I’d just as soon they have a more normal childhood.” Maybe she was just having a Cheeto brain fart, but does she realize that her boys are going to be on the cover of this magazine?! If you want them to have a “normal” childhood, stop whoring them out! Whoring them out in pimp clothes nonetheless!

Speaking of whoring out, Brit is back to work and said her new album should be out in six to nine months. She says it’s more “urban.” Translation: It’s going to sound like all her other crap. She went on to say, “I’m writing every day, right here at the piano in this living room… This is my best work ever.” Writing at the piano?! So we can expect 12 different versions of Chopsticks with Brit’s Frapp yodel thrown in here and there.

Daddy Spears also opened his beak to talk about KFed and his relationship with the Cheeto One. He said KFed wants 50/50 custody with Brit and that his heart is in the right place. Yeah, his heart is in his checking account. And depending on who you ask, that’s the right place to be.

And what about his relationship with Brit? “It’s wonderful. (The relationship) is new for both of us. She sometimes calls me 50 times a day and asks me things that light my life up. But like all daughters, she is very manipulative and cunning. So she gets what she wants a lot.” Um…He said that while pulling out his pubic hairs, right? I can hear his teeth grinding throughout that statement. There was probably a shit load yellow dust all over the floor. And is “cunning” hillbilly talk for “cunty“?

When Katie mentioned she would like to start bike riding, Tom wasn’t about to take any chances – robrr1118

Runners-up:

Adding to childhood obesity, Huffy introduces the modern version of “duck, duck, goose” – your blood is lovely

Lever and Wedge, (two simplest tools known to mankind) could barely contain their excitement the day their dad took the training wheels off their birthday present. – City Barbie

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Thanks Amanda

Michael Phelps – This slut needs no introduction! Michael won his fourth and fifth gold medals last night, becoming the career leader in Olympic golds with 11. He has to win three more gold medals to beat Mark Spitz’s record for the most gold medals won in a single Olympic games. This bitch will do it. He’s fucking unreal. He’s a butterface, but a butterface with skills.

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