Welcome back to The Katie Holmes Denim Watch ’08! Although, Katie isn’t wearing denim today. She’s wearing what I call a “going to do laundry” outfit. It’s also the only outfit you’d find hanging in HoHan’s closet. It’s pretty effin sad that I have no idea what I wore yesterday, but I know what this ho wore. I swear. I need a new hobby.

And when is this sad robot going to cheer up already! Being married to a crazy closet case and worshiping aliens isn’t that bad! Okay, maybe it is.

I interrupt your regularly scheduled program of bitching and moaning to…..well…to bitch and moan some more. I’ve been trying to fight off this horror show of a cold for a few days now. My sister told me to get this shit called Buckley’s. She promised me that it works miracles. Well, the bitch must really despise me, because this shit is the ugliest thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. And that’s saying a lot.

I figured Buckley’s would taste like every other cough syrup. You know, they all taste like a delicious Lifesaver dipped in formaldehyde. Buckley’s is nothing like that. I can’t explain it. It’s seriously Satan’s sperm. That’s probably the secret ingredient.

Whenever I swallow it, my nipples clench. Not only does it taste like sex club ass, but it’s not pretty on the eyes either. It sort of looks like yellow jizz. It’s like when a dude has to cum and piss at the same time, and it both comes out. Yeah, that’s what it looks like.

I’ve been taking it the past couple of days and still hasn’t fixed shit! The only thing it’s done is improve my gagging reflex slightly. Hmmm….that’s not such a bad thing.

Okay, rant over. And now I’m off to gag on some Buckley’s.

Chuy is way too good for Ceiling Eyes – Hollywood Tuna

Selma Blair is looking classy – Popsugar

Joe Jonas is a cop – This is someone’s gay fantasy – Just Jared

GAY! The U.S. male gymnastics team show off their medals and muscles – Towleroad

Parasite Hilton lets everyone know that she’s still a skank – Egotastic!

Rhys Ifans and Kimbo Stewart are still going at it – Hollywood Rag

Celebrity titty jobs gawhore – Cityrag

Squinty Zellweger, where have you been? – Lainey Gossip

Who’s gayer? Mischa’s dog or her boyfriend? (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Clooney is not texting Obama – Mollygood

Ashley Jizzzdale is a moron – I’m Not Obsessed

Miley Cyrus has a new boyfriend – ICYDK

Vadge is not adopting a new baby from Africa – Celebitchy

Cindy Margolis is such a classic beauty – IDLYITW

Christian Bale may not be charged for allegedly “pushing and shove” his mommy during a fight last month in London. Christian was arrested after some nosy bitches called the cops on him. It was reported that Christian’s mommy and sissy were trying to get $200,000 for him and he wasn’t having it. He denied that he ever touched them in a meanie way.

The Sun reports that if Christian tells the cops he’s guilty, he will get a caution and avoid court. If he doesn’t, the cops can still charge him.

A caution? That is so polite! So if he says he’s guilty, the cops will just say, “Ah! That’s kay love! Just don’t do it next time. Would ye fancy some tea now that we’ve settled that?” Or they might just say, “HA! We tricked the Batman! Off to prison ye go – for life!”

UPDATE: Christian will not face any charges. He’s officially off the hook. BLIMEY!

Yes, Tommy Girl! We all know how much your ass can take. It’s very impressive. We’re very proud of you. Your asshole is grinning cheek to cheek. It’s so happy for you.

Anycrazy, this is not Tommy Girl’s year! He’s been replaced by Saint Angelina in a movie, the studio doesn’t want him in Mission Impossible 4 and his movie about the Nazis keeps getting pushed back. I just wish it would get pushed off the face of the earth already. Along with Tommy Girl. That wasn’t mean of me to say! He’s an alien! He can fly to his home planet.

Well, now his longtime partnership with Paula Wagner has come to an end. Paula announced that she is stepping down as co-owner and CEO of United Artists which ends her business sisterhood with Tommy. Paula said, “I’m finally rid of that crazy twat!” No, she really said, “I’ve truly relished working with my longtime partner Tom Cruise to revitalize United Artists, and I am proud of all that we’ve accomplished in the past two years, reinvigorating the brand and developing such a strong slate of films.” Blah…blah…blah…jack me off and pour me some lemonade.

Since everything is falling on Tommy’s peanut head, does this mean he’s going to have an epic meltdown? I have my hard hat ready, just in case. I’ve been waiting for this shit. Now if we can only program Katie Holmes to leave Tommy Girl for his arch rival, Xenu.

The pocket hottie from Y Tu Mama Tambien is expecting a little baby. Gael García Bernal confirmed that his girlfriend, actress Dolores Fonzi, is knocked up!

They issued this statement to AP (via People): “This statement is to say that, after so much speculation and comments, the actors … are indeed expecting a baby at the start of next year.” The statement went on to say: “And Gael will be living his knocked up girlfriend for Michael K.” That’s sweet of him, but I’m tall and he’s short. It would never work out. On second thought, he could tongue tickle my no-no hole while we’re in line at the grocery store and no one would really notice.

Gael’s Y Tu Mama Tambien co-star, Diego Luna, recently had a baby too. Well, he didn’t physically have the baby, but his woman did.

Congrats to Gael and Dolores! I’m getting nervous with all the new humans being brought into the world, but these two are pretty hot, which means they might have an adorable baby. Adorable babies are welcome.