That’s the face JLo made when she first saw Skeletor’s dehydrated slug peen. It’s also the face she’s going to make when she’s competes in a triathlon next month. Yes, she’s actually going through with that shit!

JLo was on “Good Morning America” today where she talked about training for the 22nd Annual Malibu Triathlon. JLo will have to run, swim and bike her way around Malibu. Yeah, fucking right. More like shop, eat and fart her way through Malibu!

JLo said she got the idea while she was knocked up with the Dragon Tales twins, “It came up when I was eight months pregnant, when I was beached like a whale. I was watching TV, and I saw a triathlon and I said, ‘I think I could do that.’ … Maybe we could raise some money and do something really great.” JLo will donate any money raised to the Children’s Hospital of Los Angeles.

She has even started a blog to share her “tips” on training for a triathlon. This bitch must be drinking from Skeletor’s stash of virgin blood! JLo offering tips?! Tip #1 is: Get someone else to do it for you!

Seriously, they need to watch this jelly ham from start to finish. She’s going to do the old switcheroo! While some dude in a ratty wig and a pillow down his pants does the race, JLo will be in her all-white trailer, getting her make-up done.

Before rubbing snatch lips with SamRo, HoHan shacked up with Courtenay Semel, the daughter of former Yahoo CEO Terry Semel. Wait, I have a question before we get into this lezzie drama. Does she pronounce her name Courtney or Court-E-Nay? I don’t think I could handle calling that bitch Court-E-Nay. I couldn’t say her name without laughing. I’d have to call her Nay Nay or Courtie. Let’s call her Nay Nay. So… One of Nay Nay’s friends has talked to The News of the World about her love triangle with HoHan and SamRo.

Nay Nay and HoHan first met in 2006. HoHan didn’t know how to deal with her gayelle feelings for Nay Nay, so she started doing a bunch of drugs. In HoHan’s defense, I’d have to do a lot of drugs to make out with Nay Nay. She’s not the prettiest vibrator in the sex store. Yes, there’s such thing as a pretty vibrator. Here’s one!

Things between Nay Nay and HoHan continued throughout 2006, but it all changed when SamRo came into the picture in 2007. HoHan and SamRo’s relationship was strictly platonic at first. HoHan apparently said SamRo was “the father she never had.” But does SamRo wear her cell phone on her waist band?

When HoHan checked into Promises, both Nay Nay and SamRo visited her. Nay Nay’s friend said, “By now Lindsay was sending ‘I love you’ notes to Samantha and signing them ‘Lindsay Ronson’ but telling Courtenay she loved her too.”

When HoHan got out of rehab, she rented a house with Nay Nay. That didn’t last too long. HoHan kept bringing home dude after dude. Finally, Nay Nay had enough dick in her house and moved out. A week later, SamRo and HoHan were joined at the labia.

Nay Nay’s friend said, “Courtenay still can’t understand how Lindsay is now so open with Samantha. Every time she sees a picture of them together it kills her.”

Yeah, she looks really fucking distraught. Nay Nay is now “dating” bi-sexual ladyboy Tila Tequila. Typical!

Ugh! I thought the gays were dramatic. SamRo is a definite upgrade from Nay Nay. First of all, her name is Nay Nay. Second of all, she looks like she has a lazy tongue. I mean, SamRo looks like she could get a gold medal in muff diving. Nay Nay doesn’t even look like she’d qualify for the finals!

Every time someone speaks out against Brangelina’s fuckery, I say a little prayer for them. They have no idea that they have just opened the door to a whole lot of crazy coming their way.

Roseanne took to her blog on Friday to attack Saint Angelina for not endorsing Barack Obama.

In a post titled “Jon Voight,” Roseanne writes, “jon voight your evil spawn angelina jolie and her vacuous hubby brad pitt make about forty million dollars a year in violent psychopathic movies and give away three of it to starving children trying to look as if they give a crap about humanity as they spit out more dunces that will consume more than their fair share and wreck the earth even more. (just sayin’).” Rosie, why don’t you tell us how you really feel? Don’t hold back!

Rosie went on to rant, “Also miss jolie says she likes mccain too and hasn’t decided who to endorse….huh? Aren’t you supposed to be somewhat enlightened, or do you not know that the african daughter you hold in every picture had parents who suffered and died because of the republican party’s worldwide economic assault on africa over the last few decades since reagan? whaaaa…??????!!!! (for that matter, the thai and vietnamese sons you are photo’d with weekly too!!!? who’s pictures you sell to raise money to help the poor? Their families are victims of America’s right wing military incursions too. Mccain wants to continue with the idea of war for profit…the americans are over that thinking now! They have drugged our troops and lower classes into supporting their oil business atrocities for long enough. We want to save not lose our souls thank you. Now go back to making your movies about women who love to handle big guns that shoot hundreds of people to death. Ps….it might be good for your asian and african children’s self esteem to know you support a brown man for the leader of the free world.)”

Courtney Love, is that you? Seriously, why isn’t this woman on “The View“?! Shit, why isn’t she on every talk show on the planet! This is the kind of shit I like to hear.

That being said, Roseanne doesn’t need the psychic wonder known as Becky #1 to tell her that she has a shit load of angry e-mails coming her way.

A lot of e-mails that say, “DEAR ROSIEANNE, DIE ALREDY! YOU ARE A JELIS LOOSER. BRANGELINA IS THE SUN, MOON AND STARS. U WISH U HAD THIER TALNET, BEATEY AND HART. I HATE U AND HOPE U GET HIT BY A PLANE!” Seriously, a Brangaloonie wrote me once and said they hope I get hit by a plane. A plane! That basically explains what makes up a Brangaloonie.

And something tells me Saint Angelina read Rosie’s rant, picked up her golden phone, hit speed dial #1 and said, “God? It’s me, Saint Angie. You know Roseanne Barr? Take care of it.”

VIA UsWeekly

The first blind item not only made pussy scared, but it made me scared too. Hold me. I think I made that same face too when I read it. Here we go…..

WHICH hunk in a summer movie is a violent, closeted homosexual? The heartthrob snuck into his ex’s apartment a few months ago and raped him so violently, the ex ended up in the hospital – and the actor paid him $500,000 to keep his mouth shut (Page Six)

Gulp. The obvious guess might be Christian Bale, but I’m going to guess Matthew McConaughey? He’s in “Tropic Thunder.” Ugh. Where’s the brain bleach!!? I don’t want to think about this harsh shit anymore.

WHICH oft-photographed socialite is being forced to get a job by her parents? She looks rich but is really broke, and is now looking for modeling gigs (Page Six)

Lydia Hearst?

Which very married ’90s rocker who has been touring this summer has a penchant for the college-age girls who are still lighting incense and listening to his albums? According to our tour bus spy, he brings a different co-ed home just about every night he’s on the road. (Full Disclosure)

I have no fucking clue. My brain is still shaking from the first blind item. Um….Dave Matthews? Rob Thomas?

NOOOO!!!! Mrs. Fields is about to file for bankruptcy! – Mollygood

Kate Beckinsale’s vagina needs its own book deal – Holy Moly!

Jason Biggs‘ doesn’t mind wearing the panties of his wife’s exes – Celebitchy

Peta is going after Fishsticks Paltrow – I’m Not Obsessed

Alanis Morrissette needs a haircut – ICYDK

Dita Von Teese airbrushed to hell for Wonderbra – Popbytes

Bigfoot’s daughter lives! – A Socialite’s Life

Blasphemy! Kim KardASSIAN recreates Brooke Shields’ Calvin Klein jeans ads – Popoholic

Phil Collins waves goodbye to his money – SOW

A bunch of HATERS booed the Crackie of Camden on day 1 of the V Festival. And by “haters” I mean a bunch of sober people with perfect hearing and eyesight. Day 2 of the festival was sort of better for Wino, but not really. At least she didn’t look like she just had an orgy with maggots in a bed of rotten meat.

Although, she did manage to make a funny. Wino told the audience, “You’re a really nuts crowd. I’m not on drugs, honest. So boo you guys for yesterday.” If Wino is off the bad shit for good, then the entire drug industry would collapse. Half of South America would close for business. But maybe she’s telling the truth (HA)? I once knew a recovering junkie who was sober for like 10 years or some shit and still acted like a royal crackhead. Once you go crack, your brain never goes back.

And in honor of it being gross Monday, here’s Wino crack yodeling her way through “Valerie.” This shit will bring druggies out of their coma. Wino’s crackie call brings all the junkies to the yard.