Jenny Aniston Isn’t Talking, But Her Friends Are

/ August 18, 2008

Over the weekend, John Mayer opened up his tampon lips and started blabbing about his break-up with Jennifer Aniston to the paparazzi. He said that he’s the one that ended it and that nobody cheated, lied or blah…blah..blah…insert douche lingo here….blah…blah….

According to one of Jennifer Aniston’sfriends,” she’s not going to talk about the relationship or how it ended. The friend told MSNB’s The Scoop, “Jen will never kiss and tell, but it’s she who ended the relationship. (Mayer’s) childish behavior only confirms she was right to dump him. Now he’s acting like a spoiled child. Expect Jen to behave like a lady.” I fucking love that. Jen’s not going to talk about it, but if you really must know….

The friend said Jen broke up with him for a couple of reasons:

1: He’s an attention whore – “He has a relationship with certain paparazzi (and) bloggers. He tips them off. He loves the attention. Jen didn’t want to believe it was happening, but it was, and she has no tolerance for that.

2: He’s cheap as fuck – “Cobwebs come flying out of (Mayer’s) wallet when he opens it. John liked living like a movie star when he was with her. … Jen would never say anything, but you could tell it irritated her.

A movie star?! What movie star are we talking about exactly? I’m impressed that cobwebs come flying out of his wallet! He should do that trick at his concerts. It would be a lot more entertaining than his music.

And you know that when Jen found out John was talking about her ass, she immediately told her friend, “Oh my god! What did he say? Did he say he loved me? No don’t tell me. Did he say I was pretty? No I don’t want to know. Should I call him? Should I go over there. Ugh. Forget it. Hand me the Breyer’s and just stroke my head.” She totally said that all in one breath.

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Would You Hit It?

/ August 18, 2008

Why did I think Kanye West had major body underneath his clothes? It’s like meeting a hot bitch at a bar and thinking they are all ripped under their clothes. You go home with them only to find out that their body looks like something out of an Easy Bake Oven. Total and utter letdown. But that still doesn’t stop you from riding that shit until it pops.

And for such a cocky bitch, Kanye has such teensy weensy nipples. Baby nippies. He needs to moisturize his nipples daily with Nipout! It doesn’t work on ass lips though. So…..I’ve heard.

With all that being said, I’D HIT IT! Yes, in all caps. That’s how Kanye likes it.

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My Obit Is Going To Read Exactly Like This One

/ August 18, 2008

This touching and eloquent obit showed up in the Times-Herald Napa/Sonoma paper. It’s already been removed from the papers website, but I’m going to choose to believe that this is a real obit. It’s just too amazing to be fake.

I’m sure that when I’m finally strapped into the jet plane to hell, my family will just copy and paste this shit as my obit.

Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby.

She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.

Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing.

Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again.

There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.

Oh Dolores! Your family might have hated you, but I love you and we’ve never even met! Seriously, Dolores and I are cut from the same bitch cloth.

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Heidi Montag Has A New Song……

/ August 18, 2008

….and it’s everything you would expect. It’s basically torture for your ears. On a positive note, I think all the wax in my ears melted away.

Heidi explained the deep meaning to her new song “Overdosin” to Ryan Gaycrest on his KISS-FM show this morning. She said it’s about “when you fall in love with someone… and you’re just overdosing off of their love.” Okay, that pretty much confirms that Spencer probably writes her songs for her.

I want to fucking overdose after listening to that pony warble. It’s horrific. It sounds like Parasite Hilton’s twatty lips singing into a fan.

VIA UsWeekly

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Hot Slut Of The Week: Nastia Liukin

/ August 18, 2008

Birthday: October 30, 1989
Age: 18
Birth Name: Anastasia “Nastia” Valeryevna Liukin

Original Date of HS of the Day: August 15, 2008
Claim to Fame: Russian born gymnast. She’s the daughter of two former Soviet champion gymnasts. Her daddy, Valeri Liukin, is an Olympic gold medalist and her coach.

Where is she now? Bitch is living it up in China! Nastia so far as a silver team medal, a gold all-around medal and last night she won a bronze medal for floor exercise. She competed in uneven bars today. I don’t know if that shit has aired yet, so I’ll keep the outcome to myself…for now.

Why is she HS of the Week? This was the hardest decision of my hour. It was between Nastia and Michael Phelps. Michael has had his salad tossed for a few months now, so I decided to give it Nasty Nastia. Mainly because they call her Nastia. I plan to name my first born after her. Well, I’m going to drop the “ia” and replace it with a “y.”

P.S. – Does it sort of creep anyone else out when Nastia and her daddy kiss on the lips after she competes? Yes, I’m a prude when it comes to displays of affection with my family members. Well, except second cousins. I’m joking!

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Dear Dan, Do You Need Help Tying Your Shoes?

/ August 18, 2008

Daniel Radcliffe has a small case dyspraxia, a disorder that fucks up your coordination.

DanRad’s spokesbitch said, “Yes, Dan Radcliffe does have dyspraxia. This is something he has never hidden. Thankfully his condition is very mild and at worst manifests itself in an inability to tie his shoelaces and bad handwriting.” Bad handwriting? I probably have a terminal case of dyspraxia.

DanRad also joked about his condition, “”I sometimes think, ‘Why, oh why, has Velcro not taken off?’

Poor Hairy Potter. I will gladly help him tie his shoelaces anytime he needs it. And while I’m down there, I might as well as polish his…..sneaker’s tongue. What did you think I was going to say? You filthy ass bitches!

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