What in Clay Gayken hell is this shit all about?! Ricky Martin’s publicist has confirmed that he’s the father of twin boys! This came out of nowhere!

Ricky’s new babies were born a few weeks ago with a little help from a surrogate mother and a turkey baster. You know Gayken is sitting somewhere, rocking his new baby, rolling his eyes and saying, “Girl, please! Don’t try it!”

Ricky’s spokeswhore issued this statement: “The children, delivered via gestational surrogacy, are healthy and already under Ricky’s full-time care. Ricky is elated to begin this new chapter in his life as a parent and will be spending the remainder of the year out of the public spotlight in order to spend time with his children.”

Um…hasn’t he been out of the public spotlight for at least 5 years? Seriously, babies are just popping out left and right! This is obviously the thing to do. Maybe I should get one of those baby things? Naw. I don’t like baby vomit in my martinis.

Congrats to Ricky! I can’t wait to hear what he named them. If he didn’t name one of them “Escandalo,” I’m going to slap him with a rubber vagina. And you know that shit would gross him out.

Source

Thanks Ali

85-year-old Leda Smith of Point Marion, PA is not about to let some punk ass bitch fuck with her home! On Sunday afternoon, Leda was chilling in her home, probably smoking a bong and listening to Wu Tang, when she heard some bitch breaking into her house. Leda said her neighbor’s home was recently robbed, so she had been keeping a .22-caliber revolver near her bed.

She went on to say, “I just walked right on past him to the bedroom and got my gun. I said ‘What are you doing in my house?’ He just kept saying he didn’t do it.” Leda then made the 17-year-old robber call the police while she kept the gun pointed at him. She ordered him to hand her the phone so that she could report his ass. With the 911 operator on the line, she instructed him to lie face down on the floor with his legs spread. She continued to the point the gun at him. This memaw doesn’t eff around. I guess watching all those episodes of “Barney Miller” really paid off.

The 17-year-old was charged with attempted burglary and related offenses in juvenile court.

Leda said she found the whole thing “exciting.” Granny got a taste for the gangsta life and now she’s not going back! She also said, “I just hope I broke up the (burglary) ring because they have been hitting a lot of places around here.” I hope all the criminals of Point Marion, PA heard that loud and clear. There’s a new head bitch in charge and her name is Leda Smith.

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The mystery of today’s “Hot Slut of the Day” has been solved! Spaghetti Cat made his debut on “The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet” last week during a serious discussion about binge drinking. At the time, the show never explained why they suddenly cut to Spaghetti Cat and then cut back to the show.

A spokesbitch for Fox said it wasn’t a mistake. They explained to Fishbowl that it was completely intentional. The rep said, “What you saw was our new bleep photo. When someone says something inappropriate we’re going to use something like that. You’re going to see a lot more of those in the future.” Love this shit. It still won’t make me watch “The Morning Show with Mike and Juliet,” but it’s a genius idea.

Fox needs to take it a step further. They should only show Spaghetti Cat’s picture 24/7. Better than some of the crap they have now. Shit, every station should only show his picture all day, every day.

He’s already become my computer’s wallpaper, my screensaver, my iPhone’s wallpaper and I’m thisclose to getting his surprised face tattooed on my ass. Don’t tempt me.

VIA Mollygood

Thanks Stephanie

Just look at what the sad horse dragged in! It’s America’s least favorite shameless hooker! I’m surprised Kristy Likes Cocks’ album cover isn’t a picture of her in an American flag bikini, holding two semi-automatic weapons with “kill the terrorists” flags shooting out of her coochie. And the label really should have went with her original album title: “Kristy Likes Jesus!”

This bitch has the audacity to pose with a weepy horse after she sent her last one to the glue factory in order to pay for her trip to the “American Idol” audition! That poor horse on the cover is thinking, “Why can’t she just end my misery by sending me to the same butcher she sent her last horse to?!”

Thanks J

If Brit Brit can lose 12 pounds in 30 days from only eating Cheetos, Frapps, Valium, Diet Shasta and Lexapro then so can I!

Brit Brit is on the cover of OK! Magazine this week (AGAIN) and she reveals how she “got her body back.” It’s always strange to me when people say that. Where did her body go? Possessed by Starbucks!

Brit Brit claims she lost the weight from (ready for this?) exercising and eating healthy. Cheeto, please! The day Brit Brit starts eating healthy is the day the entire snack food industry crumbles into the ground.

She said, “My diet has a lot to do with my getting into shape. I have no sugar. I don’t eat fruit or even fruit juice because of the sugar. I eat chicken and salmon and rice. I eat avocados. I’ll have egg whites for breakfast and sometimes turkey burgers for lunch. I try to do just 1,200 calories a day. It may sound like it’s not much, but it’s actually a lot of food if you eat the right things.” Translation: She drinks 1 Frapp and eats a handful of Cheetos a day. That’s about 1,200 calories right there. Instead of scarfing down 12 Cheetos at once, she sucks on one at a time. They last longer that way. I’m not joking. I do that. It works!

She also spends 10-minutes a day playing “Dance Dance Revolution.” That’s her exercise.

P.S. – OK! Magazine should really change their name to “50 Cents Less Than People!”

P.P.S. – Here’s a clip from the olden days of Brit Brit declaring her love for her cheese god. Cheeeeeetos! Skip to 1:33.

Thanks James

The Crackie of Camden is expected to check into a rehab facility near the prison where Blaaaake is currently serving time. At least when she screams “Blaaaake” out of her window, he can actually hear her. The Sun reports that Amy Wino will get treatment at a clinic in Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk. And by “treatment” I mean do drugs and eat ice pops.

Russell Brand suggested the joint to Wino’s people, because it’s close to Blaaaake. Russell beat his own addictions at the clinic. Are we sure that Wino and Russell aren’t long-lost twin crackies? They have the same crack’s nest sitting on their head. Someone should investigate.

Of course, Mitch Wino had something to say about this. The man must have every newspaper, radio station and TV show on speed dial. He said, “This is a very good idea. If she can get clean and still see Blake it can only be good.” You know what’s a better idea? Mitch Wino sticking his fat ass head in quick sand.

A puny rehab clinic is not going to solve Wino’s problems. Hazmat and the Catholic Church should really consider teaming up and opening their own rehab facility just for Wino. She needs a good spray down and a few exorcisms to set her straight.