David Duchovny is currently cooling his genitals in rehab because he’s addicted to porn. On Thursday, David’s rep announced that he checked into a facility to receive treatment for sex addiction. A friend tells Fox News that David never cheated on Tea Leoni unless cyber fucking counts as cheating. David has “The Peter Cook Disease.” He loves to surf and stroke.

The friend said that David spends hours rubbing his dick raw while browsing chat rooms and looking at internet porn. Quick! Check all the responses from your Craigslist “Casual Encounters” ad (I know you have one). You might have gotten a response from Agent Mulder! Even better, Mulder might have knocked one off to your picture. You should be proud.

And didn’t Agent Mulder have a thing about porn on “The X-Files“? David! Don’t take your work home with you.

David’s friend also said that he only announced he was in rehab for sex addiction because a patient at the clinic he’s in was about to leak the story to the press. David “beat” him to the punch. And then he beat it some more. And some more. And a little more.

Josh Hartnett did fuckey fuckey times with some chick in the library of his London hotel and it was all caught on security camera. That’s what the Mirror claims anyway. Hotel staff watched as a drunken Josh and his chick stumbled into the library, closed off the curtains and started bumping nasties.

A source said, “Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place – the library included. This means their every spit and cough was recorded, and cringing hotel workers saw all of Josh’s X-rated moves.”

After Josh and his lady finished filling the library with sex smells, a hotel staffer told him to take his personal shit elsewhere in the future.

I think it’s the hotel’s duty to release the footage to the public. You know, as a warning to whores who might want to do it in a hotel library. And I want close-ups of Hartnett’s peen. I have a feeling it’s floppy, skinny and just as boring as him. Actually, maybe I don’t want to see Hartnett’s footage. There’s nothing worse than boring peen.

And I feel sorry for the poor bitch who strolled into the library after Josh finished, grabbed a copy of “War and Peace” and found a chunky glob of Hartnett smegma all over it.

All of my favorite crackheads are falling apart! First, I learn that the Crackie of Camden supposedly overdosed twice this year! And now I read that Dreamboat Doherty, the crackhead of all crackheads, collapsed in Austria this past Thursday.

The Sun reports that Dreamy was set to perform at the premiere of one his home movies at a porn theater in Graz when he passed out. Earlier, Dreamy went on a drug bender at his promoter’s house. Thankfully, Dreamy was revived. They probably just threw soapy water on him. You know how much he hates soap. He refused to go to the hospital for obvious reasons. He was able to perform…four hours later.

People are so DRAMATIC! He didn’t pass out. He was just taking a little nap. A crack nap. Dreamy waz tiwered. Sleepy crackhead. Besides, if Dreamy “collapsed,” I would’ve passed out too. We’re soulmates, so I feel his pain. Wait. Come to think of it. I did fall on my ass while buying Crisco and laxatives (don’t ask) at Rite-Aid on Thursday. I blamed it on the espresso and Red Bull I had earlier in the day.

David Duchovny was surprised to discover that in rehab he wasn’t the only one with a sex addict monkey on his back. – Sluttsville

Runners-up:

Jesus, get off my back!!!! – waywhiteboyj

For a mere $50,000 per session, Scientology members can have their inner thetans crushed.
– herroyalflyness

Source

Thanks Elizabeth

Phillipe Petit – A French high wire artist who is most famous for illegally walking between the Twin Towers in NYC in 1974. Phillipe’s adventure is the subject of a really hot documentary called “Man on Wire.” Trailer below:

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