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There were rumors that Brit Brit was going to perform at the MTV VMAs this Sunday. Then there were rumors that she wasn’t. Then I ate a taco. And now it’s confirmed that she is going to open show, but she’s not going to perform.

Brit Brit issued a statement to ETOnline: “MTV has long played an important role in my career. How can I not be there to kick off their 25th VMAs? I’m excited to open the entire show, to say hi to my fans and to be nominated.”

Role?! Doesn’t she mean ROLL? Something in the Frapp ain’t clean about that. I think London wrote that shit from his basement doghouse.

You know, nothing can top the beautiful disaster from last year. Brit Brit could stroll on stage and make an origami of Chester Cheetah with her snatch and I still wouldn’t be impress.

She’s probably just going to utter a few wooden jokes about last year and then teeter off backstage. And I’m still going to watch it, because I’m a sucker. I’ll make Cheetos Chicken for this special occasion. Click here to get the recipe. It’s totally different than Cheeto Chicken Casserole and way more high class. And don’t bother with Cheeto Casserole. I made that shit and it tasted like dirty dick after marinating in filthy vagina juices for a couple of hours.

JLo queefs about being knocked up with the Dragon Tales twins in the October issue of Elle magazine. JLo said that she was “selfish” for the first time in her whole fucking life while she was pregnant. Yeah, this shit is going to write itself.

JLo spent the first part of her pregnancy on tour with Skeletor. When the tour ended she was ready to be taken care of. She said: “I said, ‘I did the superwoman thing, I finished the tour – now I need you to take care of me. I love doing things for you; if I’m not cooking, then I’m picking out a shirt. But this is the first time in my life where I’m just going to be a little bit selfish. I don’t know if I’m going to have kids again, so I want it to be a beautiful experience. I don’t want to have any drama. I want to just be smiling every day.’”

Who wrote that shit for her? Danielle Steele? Seriously, how were these fake words able to pass through her lips? This is straight up fuckery.

She went on to spew even more cheese about the moment she found out about her pregnancy: “I was sitting down doing hair and makeup and I felt a flutter. The weirdest little … flourish. My makeup artist said ‘What’s the matter?’ I didn’t say anything, but in my head, I was like, I have life inside me!”

The only thing missing from this shit is a Celine Dion song playing in the background. JLo, stop hitting me in the mouth with your 12-inch dildo! I’m not going to suck it!

And to stop off this queso fiesta, JLo confessed that she had some nude pictures taken of herself two weeks before she gave birth. “I was like, How am I going to rock this moment of my life?… I felt very womanly. Marc was in a dream. He loved it.”

Marc was in a nightmare, not a dream. And by the power of Chicken Cutlets, may these nekkid pictures of a knocked up JLo never see the light outside of her boudoir. Never!

Here’s a few more pictures of JLo with Michael Kors, Georgina Chapman and Donatella Versace. Donatella kind of looks like Skeletor with a dime store wig.

I feel the puppy’s pain. Having Katherine Heeeeeigggl’s yellow-stained claws on your beautiful coat must be traumatizing to the soul. He’s digging deep, fighting the urge not to bite her annoying ass! It would be so easy, but she totally tastes like crusty ciggies and bullshit. Yeah, it wouldn’t have been worth it for the poor Pit Bull puppy. His teeth are too pure for that wicked witch!

And is it just me or does Pit Bull puppy sort of look stoned? That’s probably the real reason why he didn’t lay it on that skank! He was too busy riding the green cloud.

In the newest issue of Details Magazine, DanRad, 19, admits that when he was 16, he lost his virginity to an older woman. Cougar lover! Dan wouldn’t say who the lucky lady was. He only said that the age difference “wasn’t ridiculous but it would freak some people out.” By the way, 16 is the age of consent in Britain. According to UsWeekly, the chick who took DanRad’s v-card is Amy Byrne. Amy was 23 at the time and worked as an assistant hairdresser on one of the Harry Potter movies. Amy just wanted to say she cracked Harry’s potter. That didn’t make any sense, but just politely nod your head and move on….

And Sharon Stone’s cougar vagina is still salivating at the thought of DanRad being with an older women. Seriously, Sharon totally has a cougar vagina. She had it transplanted, so it could bring out her inner cougar to its full potential. I’m going off-topic. Back to Harry!

DanRad also said that he’s not very wild. His only vice is vodka and Diet Coke (BLECH!). He went on to say, “I don’t pretend to do anything particularly wild. But I say I try to do it simply by the choices I make in the work I do. I just like wrong-footing people. I write poetry and I love it. I like being different from most other people in my generation.”

Shut up and just show me your magic wand! Seriously! DanRad is doing Equus here in NYC and I’m trying to get tickets as close as I can to the stage, just to see what Harry is working with. Yes, I care about these things. You know this. And for some reason, I also think DanRad is a total hot piece. A total hot piece with two vagina staches over his eyes.

Not Saint Angelina herself. If that happened, the world would be sucked into a black hole.

Just a couple of posters featuring Saint Angie holding a couple of guns were banned. The U.K.’s Advertising Standards Authority ruled that two movie posters for “Wanted” glamorize guns and violence. Only 17 complaints were made against the posters, but the ASA felt it was enough to ban them forever!

They issued this statement: “We acknowledged most viewers would understand the posters reflected the content of an action film. However, we considered that because the ads featured a glamorous actress, action poses, several images of, or related to guns and aspirational text, they could be seen to glamorize the use of guns and violence.”

The studio said the images “were highly stylized and in keeping with the comic-book-based nature of the flick.” That being said, they still had no choice but to pull the posters out of circulation.

Please! Guns were not the reason why the posters were banned! Saint Angelina’s holy image is too much to take. Cars crashed into things! Trains grinded to a halt! Men went into convulsions in the streets. Schoolchildren missed class, because they were spending their days kneeling on the sidewalk, worshipping her image. It was a distraction.

And you know the head bitch of the ASA will disappear in a cloud of white smoke!

Source: E! Online

Thanks Kath