Finally…the answer to the lesser known age old question: How much wood WOULD a redneck fuck if a redneck could fuck wood? – trixietrixiealot

Runners-up:

HE DUN STOLE MY VOLCANO TACO AND NOW HE’S A GONNA START A FIRE ON MY GOOD WOOD PILE. – LOVE ANDERSON

Even at 65, Phoebe Price is still an attention whore. – DeeDee

“All In The Texas Chainsaw Family” – Oxygen

Thanks Rebecca

Joachim Ortiz – The drunk ass stylist from “Glam God with Vivica A. Fox.” Joachim is just “living his lifestyle.” And yes, I watch this shit. I couldn’t find the clip from the last episode of Joachim falling over clothes racks, because he was so wasted, but here’s some video of him talking about his time on the show.

Hugh Grant (48)
Michelle Williams (28)
Michael Bublé (33)
Goran Visnjic (36)
Henry Thomas (37)
Rachel Hunter (39)
Adam Sandler (42)
Constance Marie (43)
Tom Wopat (57)
Michael Keaton (57)
Sylvia Miles (76)
Cliff Robertson (85)

Just the other day I was wondering what was going on with one of my 90s crushes, Bryan Abrams from Color Me Badd. Well, the dumb bitch is in jail for beating up his girlfriend and threatening to kill her. Ooooooooooo! I Wanna Beat You Up! I’m just going to throw in random titles of Color Me Badd songs in this post, so bare (typo, but I’m keeping it) with me.

TMZ reports that cops were called to a restaurant in Oklahoma City last Friday, because Bryan allegedly punched his girlfriend in front of everyone. Cops say he was noticeably drunk, reeked of alcohol and was slurring his sentences. All 4 Booze!

Bryan’s girlfriend claimed he verbally threatened her by saying, “I’m a kill you! You and me! You and me!” How can Bryan go from singing “I Adore Mi Amor” to screaming “I’m gonna to kill yo ass“?

Bryan is still in the clink on $4,000 bond.

That’s a damn shame. Color Me Badd was the shit. I wore out the cassette tape and then later bought the CD. Bryan was always my favorite, because he had some seriously skinny eyebrows. And they matched his skinny stache. He must have been tweezing like crazy. Obviously, he didn’t keep that shit up.

Sigh. Oh well. We’ll always have this:

Those are 5 words I love to hear in the evening. This shit right here sounds like the flimsy plot of a gay porn movie. It’s not, but you can still make it extra sexy by taking off your pants, snuggling up to an 8-inch pork sausage and imagining the “bow chicka bow bow” song playing in the background.

21-year-old Antonio Vasquez was arrested in Fresno on Saturday morning for allegedly breaking into a home, stealing $900 and then beating one dude with a giant sausage and rubbing spices in the face of another. I told you this was going to be sexy.

It all started when Santiago Cabrera was sleeping on the porch of his home in Fresno, CA on Saturday morning. Santiago suddenly woke up to Antonio hitting him in the face with an 8-inch sausage. If only I had such problems.

While Santiago struggled to get up, Antonio kept hitting him in the face and head with his giant sausage.

After Antonio was finished beating Santiago with his juicy sausage, he ran inside the house and found Cesar Macias sleeping on a futon in the family room. Instead of attacking Cesar with his big sausage (I love writing that), Antonio threw Pappy’s seasoning in his face! A load of hot spices to the face. This just gets better. Pappy’s is made from “high quality all purpose spice blends, sauces and marinades.” I bet it is.

Before busting out of the house, Antonio took off his shorts, with his drivers license, credit cards and cell phone in its pockets. He ran into an orange orchard with only a t-shirt and boxers on. He looks like the type who will beat you with his big sausage and then run off into the morning. Typical

Antonio was quickly caught by the cops in a field. They recovered the money, but the pork sausage was nowhere to be seen. When the cops asked Antonio where it was, he answered, “a dog ate it.”

Antonio is currently being held on $100,000 bail.

Okay, in addition to being the plot of a gay porno, this could also be a “Three Stooges” episode.

Seriously, Antonio shouldn’t threaten me with a good time! If that was my ass, I’d beg Antonio not stop! I’d play a little game of “pin the sausage on the hiney.” Wait. What kind of sausage are we talking about again?

Source

I hope Lynne Spears is on the phone with fucking Jackie Collins, because it sounds like her book is going to need some major rewrites before its release next week. Last week, it was reported that Lynne wrote about Brit Brit’s drug use, virginity and boozing in her new book. Well, none of that shit is in there. Her book just went from “a good toilet read” to “toilet paper.”

The publisher said that Lynne’s book of crap is not a tell-all or a parenting book. Instead, “Through the Storm” is “an inspirational tale of a mother who struggles to keep faith at the center of her life.” If I wanted “inspirational tales,” I’d watch the Hallmark Movie Channel. Seriously, those movies make me want to bake cookies from scratch and turn my apartment into a halfway house for wayward young girls.

Even though Brit Brit’s cherry poppin’ tales aren’t in the book, she’s still pissed off at her mom for releasing it. Page Six reports that she’s only talking to Daddy Spears now. Brit blames Lynne for most of her problems and issues.

Lynne has chitterlings for brains. If you’re going to whore out your kids, at least do it right. Don’t half-ass it! Spill all of their dirty secrets and make sure to include a lot of scandalous pictures! Nobody cares about her stupid “inspirational tales.”