Chestica Simpson started to perform the song “With You” on Good Morning America today, but had to stop because the police arrived and were about to arrest her for disturbing the peace. No. Chestica told the audience: “Hold on, I know this is live TV but I can’t hear anything.”

You’re not the only one, honey. I could barely hear anything either after listening to her frog warble for a few seconds. Jessica should take this as a fucking sign. Even her own ear monitor couldn’t take that shit!

Chest started the song again, but continued to have issues. Click here to see this shit.

Her “hearing” issues weren’t her only problems. What in the pork rind hell was she wearing?! It looks like Miss Piggy’s unused maternity dress from when she had a pregnancy scare that one time.

Personally, I don’t think Chestica is knocked up. She’s just an attention whore! Papa Joe wants people to think Ches is with child, so they can keep talking about her ass. And I’ve fallen for his trap. Damn him!

HoHan’s saggy chichis in a slutty dickey – Egotastic!

Kelly Brook has a new dude – IDLYITW

Apple introduces the gayest iPods ever – Towleroad

Brad Pitt sure loves his stupid hats – Popsugar

Gabriel Aubry is a total DILF – Just Jared

RiRi does her best Grace Jones impersonation and fails (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

A Pacey and Joey reunion – Lainey Gossip

Thankfully, there’s only going to be one Emo Baby – Hollywood Rag

There’s a hairy pussy on HoHan’s boobs and I’m not talking about SamRo – Cityrag

Hayden Panatroll in some seriously stupid arm warmers – Hollywood Tuna

This is what poultry dreams are made of! I couldn’t think of a better or hotter suitor for international supermodel Phoebe Price than a bootleg Donald Duck!

I must say a little prayer for George Eastman today, because without his help, this picture would have never been taken. I mean, Chicken Cutlets kissing a plastic duck?! It doesn’t get any better than this. Her chicken tender kisses have left him stiff. Literally!

Here’s even more stunning photos of PP once again answering the question “Why is Phoebe Price an international supermodel?” You don’t see Kate Moss posing on a little kiddie ride usually found in front of KMart. That’s because Kate doesn’t have the skills for that shit!

The pictures of PP in front of the mirror are also my favorites. The mirror has four chicken cutlets!

On his radio show today, Howard Stern will interview a 22-year-girl who is selling her virginity to the highest bidder on an auction site. Who said romance was dead? Goodbye virginity, hello prostitution!

The chick who is going by the fake name of “ Natalie Dylan” is going to use the money to pay for her college education. Okay, if you’re going to go by a fake name, why choose Natalie Dylan? Her marketing efforts are already failing! She should have picked something “flashier.” I’m thinking “Poppy My Cherry.”

Rush & Molly reports that Howard introduced Natalie to Dennis Hof, the creepy fat dude who owns the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada. The auction will take place on bunnyranch.com and the winner will take Natalie’s v-card at the ranch. Natalie’s sister already works there.

Natalie said she’s been forced to sell her cherry, because her stepfather took out a student loan in her name, so she’s unable to finance her education. She said, “I don’t have a moral dilemma with it. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to capitalize on my virginity? I understand some people may condemn me. But I think this is empowering. I’m using what I have to better myself.”

In order to prove that she’s a virgin, Natalie will take a lie-detector test and undergo a gynecological exam. She’s not just choosing any dick either. The highest bidder won’t necessarily be the one she does bloody sexy times with. She’s going to screen the bidders and find a dude she’s happy with.

Natalie already has her bachelor’s in women’s studies from Sacramento State. In January she starts working on getting her master’s in marriage and family therapy. HA!

Heidi Montag better step up her hooker game. It looks like she has some serious competition for the title of world’s greatest feminist hero.

On “The Morning Show with Mike & Juliet” today, they featured an entire segment on the history of our newest American icon, Spaghetti Cat. Those of us who are avid Spaghetti Cat worshippers already know how he became one of the most influential pussies in the world, but Mike & Juliet used moving pictures to tell the story of his journey. We like moving pictures.

They confirmed that Spaghetti Cat is owned by the batshit crazy feline lover who was recently on an episode of “Pet Star” with her other spaghetti-eating pussy. Remember that crazy? She’s the one who sings “this is the way we wash our paw, wash our paw” while dipping her poor cat’s paw in a bowl of water. I love singing that song while washing dishes.

Mike & Juliet also declared war on Joel McHale for using a fake Spaghetti Cat on “The Soup.” Spaghetti Cat says: “Make spaghetti, not war. Meeeow.”

And when is Fox going to get the hint and replace Mike & Juliet with The Spaghetti Cat Show?! It’s what the nation demands!

Diddy recently farted about how he’s been forced to fly commercial, because he can’t afford to pay the fuel for his private jet thanks to rising gas prices. Well, TMZ reports that Diddy doesn’t exactly own a private jet. Maybe he was talking about his Barbie Party Plane?

Federal aviation records don’t show Diddy as the registered owner of any private jet. A source said, “I have a list of every plane with the name of the owner, and he’s not on it.” Did they check all 10,000 of his names?

Diddy’s spokesbitch said that he owns a “fractional” ownership in something called NetJets, a company that rents out private jets by the hour.

Oops. Somebody got caught in a lie! Lying is definitely not sexy, Diddy.

Does anybody know of a company that rents out brains by the hour? If a company exists, somebody give Diddy their number.