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It really doesn’t. It looks like Nicole Kidman took one of those creepy Jabbawockeez masks to her plastic surgeon and told him that’s what she wants her face to look like. I think Vivica Fox and Nicky share the same DuPont-trained surgeon.

I mean, how does Nicky eat, blink, burp or suck dick? Silly me. She doesn’t do any of those things. She spends her days with her face over a fan to keep it from completely melting.

Here’s forever frozen Nicky and Keith out in London tonight. And yes, it was only 2 months ago that a pillow came from under Nicky’s shirt. She dropped the extra feather weight in no time.

Thee most annoying baby twat on “90210,” Shenae Grimes, doesn’t know who she’s fucking with. If The National Enquirer is telling the truth, she’s about to get the Brenda Walsh beatdown special. Apparently, Shenae, 18, hates Shannen Doherty and is letting everyone know.

A source said, “(Shenae) actually referred to Shannen as an ‘effin bitch’ and said from the first moment Shannen walked onto the set she’s been acting like she’s special. Shenae was saying that Shannen talks down to the costume designers and caterers like they’re her servants and prances around the set like she’s Hollywood royalty.”

Shannen is an “effin bitch”? Flattery will only get Shenae a Brenda Walsh fist to her Ali-Lohan-wannabe face! And Shannen doesn’t “prance.” She fucking stomps.

Since we’re on the subject of “90210,” Kelly Taylor’s hot cokehead mom is back tonight and my Tivo isn’t going to record it! My Tivo has conflicts, so I have to wait until tomorrow. They repeat “90210” on Wednesdays.

Seriously, why can’t Tivo or DVRs record more than two shows at once? Some of us are completely addicted to TV and need the ability to record as many shows as possible at the same time. Everybody needs to stop what they’re doing and work on this situation until its fixed! Or maybe I should just get another TV and Tivo.

Reader Megan directed me towards this MySpace page which apparently belongs to Maury Povich’s most infamous guest of all-time, Victoria! Victoria’s Myspace (which is marked private) announces to the world that she gave birth to a baby named Javen Angel on September 4th. If Javen is ever cold and needs a blanket, “dat’s aight cuz she hazit.” If you have no fucking clue what I’m going on about, then just skip this shit and watch the video above. You won’t be disappointed.

Victoria went on Maury this past May to announce that she was knocked up! She was 15 when she first went on Maury, but she’s 18 now. Victoria said she wouldn’t “still” anything and will stay in school so she can get a job and support her baby.

I think it’s time for Victoria to return to Maury! I need new amazing quotes. I mean, who else could come up with shit like: “I’m ginna drezz mah baby in all bran namez ‘n’ if I can’t afford it, I guess I’m ginna still it!” or “If mah baby losez its pacifier, I have three mo’!”

Visit Victoria’s MySpace to see a picture of her baby which I’m sure all us tax payers are helping to support. I’m joking! Victoria doesn’t need our help because “shez gottit like dat.”

Somebody’s dreams will come true tomorrow when they win Jacko’s size-28 Calvin Klein panties in an eBay auction. The reserve price is $1 million. For that kind of money, Jacko’s panty pudding better have bits of diamonds in it. Ugh. Forget I wrote that. It has bits of something, but it ain’t diamonds.

The dirty panties in question were part of Jacko’s 2003 child molestation case. The DA took a DNA sample from them. The panties eventually found themselves in the hands of a NJ business man (shudder). He got a hold of them in a bankruptcy case. Jacko’s undies come sealed in an evidence bag with police tape wrapped around it.

Other shit being auctioned include a handwritten note from Jacko to Lisa Marie Presley explaining why he wants an annulment and a half-used tube of skin bleaching cream.

Whoever buys Jacko’s panty-pudding stained undies better automatically receive a surprise visit from Chris Hansen. What the hell do you do with Jacko’s Jesus-juice-stained underoos anyway? Actually, I don’t even want to know. Even my mind doesn’t go to those kind of places. Okay, it does, but I’m not sharing.

If Nicole Richie isn’t wearing one of Phoebe Price’s luxurious bedazzled headbands, then I’m going to cross her off my Christmas card list! Okay, she was never on my card list, but I will write her name and then quickly cross it off….with a SHARPIE!

On second thought, I don’t think one of PP’s headbands would even fit Nicole. She has a chickpea head. Nicole’s headband probably came off the wrist of her Crystal Splendor Barbie.

Here’s Sad Clown Baby’s mommy outside the Marc Jacobs show last night.