You’re probably sitting at your desk and enjoying a delicious frozen ice creamtreat, but did you know that you’re slowly poisoning yourself by ingesting all that cow milk?! And you’re also forcing our cow friends to get knocked up every nine months. Well, that’s what Peta claims anyway. They sent off a letter to Ben & Jerry’s asking them to stop using cow milk and to use breast milk instead. They got the ingenious idea from a restaurant in Switzerland who is using titty leche in their soups, stews and sauces.

Unfortunately, Ben & Jerry’s isn’t taking their advice. They issued this response to Peta: “We applaud PETA’s novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother’s milk is best used for her child.”

Maybe Peta should give it a second thought. Think of all the money they would save! I mean, they could ask Aretha Franklin to get pregnant only once. She would squirt out enough titty juice to last the rest of our days.

I also think Ben & Jerry’s should take it a step further and think about the defenseless cherries and cocoa beans they are harming. They didn’t ask to be eaten for our enjoyment! Ben & Jerry’s can still make flavors like Cherry Garcia, Chocolate Fudge Brownie, Sweet Cream & Cookies and Bananas on the Rum using substances our bodies naturally produce. Use your nasty imagination. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with my toilet.

Thanks Clarisse

I’m just going to cut to the cheese with this story. This is Jose Cruz of West Charleston, West Virginia and he was charged with battery after he busted a fart on a police officer and then flamed it in his face. Even worse, it was a drunk fart. Drunk farts always smell like creamed chipped beef and yeast.

It all started when Jose was pulled over because his headlights weren’t on. The police officer arrested him after he failed a few sobriety tests and took him to the police station.

When Jose was being fingerprinted, he lifted his leg and farted loudly on the officer. The violated officer wrote in the complaint notes that Jose then “fanned the air with his hand in front of his rear” onto the cop. The officer went on to write that the gas “was very odorous and created contact of an insulting or provoking nature.” The officers’ notes should be released as a comedy toilet book.

Jose was charged with DUI and also battery for dropping a stink bomb on a policeman. Assault with a stinky weapon.

The officer thinks he had it bad? What about Jose’s innocent chonies? I’m sure they weren’t happy about getting covered in Jose’s ass mousse. That must violate some kind of law.

And somebody needs to show this shit to Tony Romo. The next time Jessica Simpson dutch ovens him, he should know that he has legal options.

Thanks Jesse

Birthday: ?
Age: Old
Birth Name: Levitz Model #AF7879324

Original Date of HS of the Day: September 15, 2008
Claim to Fame: This weepy abandonded couch was about to end it all on the streets of North Hollywood, CA when it saw a car careening out of control, so it stuck out its cushion and saved it! A hero in every sense of the word.

Where is it now? Working on a reality show, tell-all and furniture line. It was also seen “canoodling” with one of the Olsen trolls.

Why is it HS of the Week? Because the skanks have spoken!

Katie Price whoring out her new skank juice called “Besotted.” More like Beslutty – Hollywood Rag

Does Serena van der Woodsen have fake boobies? – Egotastic!

HoHan is open and smokin’ – Hollywood Tuna

Cate Blanchett is really rich – Just Jared

Ricky Gervais to save the Oscars? – Lainey Gossip

Rugby players in panties – Towleroad

Breaking. Ashley Jizzdale is still fugly (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Explain this picture – Cityrag

Marisa Miller has a calendar – IDLYITW

Stop me if you’ve heard this before… Katie Holmes in tight-rolled jeans – Popsugar

“American Psycho,” the book by Breat Easton Ellis about a 1980s Wall Street banker who loves to murder, is being turned into a big Broadway musical. Fun for the whole family!

The bitches producing it said now is the best time to put song into Patrick Bateman’s murdering heart, because of what’s happening on Wall Street. They are currently looking for hos to write the songs and book. No timeline has been set.

Obviously, Christian Bale is the only one who can play Patrick Bateman. He was in “Newsies,” so he can sing and dance! “American Psycho” is kind of like “Newsies,” but with more blood, nail guns, Huey Lewis and rats.

Speaking of rats, I can’t wait for the musical’s Act 2 opener featuring an interpretive dance between a woman, her vagina, a hungry rat and a chainsaw. Consider yourself lucky if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

The other night Drew Barrymore was seen leaving some joint with Chace Crawford, but it looks like she was only using him to get to the real goods: Chuck Bass. Last night at the Kings of Leon concert after-party at Bowery Electric in NYC, Drew and Chuck Bass were caught tongue fucking each other’s mouths. I know. I’m so romantic.

A source told UsWeekly that this is the second time they have made out in public. Shit. This means Drew is pregnant or she’s officially Chuck Bass’ beard. One of those.

I’m not completely sure if that’s Drew and Chuck in the picture above. But I am sure that drunk dude in back of them is about to get even drunker.

I’m guessing that Chuck only stuck his tongue down Drew’s mouth because he couldn’t stand hearing her lisp anymore! Although, I bet it sounds cute when Drew says his last name. Wethwick. That is kind of cute.

UPDATE: A reader just sent me this shit about Drew and Chuck Bass: “I was standing outside Pourhouse smoking and they walked by me, arms around each other, and he was wearing leather pants and a PURPLE FANNY PACK!!!” That explains everything.

Image: Vanity Fair