Don’t expect Johnny Depp to return your phone calls anytime soon, because he’s going to be tied up for a while. And not tied up in the way you’ve fantasized about over and over again. The pimps at Disney have announced that Johnny will star in 3 films for them. Depp is officially a Disney whore! He’s also the only Disney whore I want to see half-naked on MySpace.

Johnny is currently shooting Disney’s “Alice in Wonderland” for Tim Burton. He plays the Mad Hatter opposite Mia Wasikowska as Alice and Matt Lucas as Tweedledee/Tweedledum. The film will combine performance-capture imagery with live-action shit. Tim is also shooting it in 3-D.

Okay, Tim owes it to the world to add a full nude scene featuring the Mad Hatter. Seeing Depp’s peen in 3-D has become my newest mission in life.

After Johnny finishes “Alice,” he will move on to “The Long (typo, but it stays) Ranger” and “Pirates of the Caribbean 4.” Obviously, he’ll be playing Jack Sparrow again in the latter. In “The Lone Ranger,” he’ll play Tonto and not the title role.

Okay, Disney owes it to the world (for bringing Miley Cyrus into our lives) to cast Rodrigo Santoro as The Lone Ranger and add a sex scene. Oh and that shit should be shot in 3-D too. I mean, it makes sense. Tonto and The Lone Ranger always wanted to do dirty sex to each other.

Patrick Dempsey loves a good spanking! Bend over and relax those cheeks – I’m Not Obsessed

The Cheeto Palace is up for sale – Celebitchy

Shenae Grimes’ secret to staying thing – ICYDK

Guy Ritchie got bored with getting high – Holy Moly!

Brenda Walsh on Radar Magazine – A Socialite’s Life

Some reporters don’t fucking understand that Gordon Gekko is a fictional character – Best Week Ever

I would completely agree with Lynne Spears if her name wasn’t Lynne Spears – Mollygood

Legally Blonde the Musical is closing – Playbill

Natalie Portman is without a bushy beard this morning, because she has reportedly canceled her relationship with silent-movie actress Devendra Banhart. No, he’s a musician, but his name was meant for a different era.

Some bitch who is close to Devendra told InTouch: “Yes, they have broken up. Natalie and Devendra will remain friends but need some space and time away.”

The two 27-year-olds starting dating in March after meeting on the set of his video. Natalie even moved to Los Angeles from NYC to be with him full-time.

Natalie probably just couldn’t handle the beard. It takes a special bitch to deal with a facial pubic bush. If the dude doesn’t condition or brush it properly, your face and thighs could end up looking like they were exfoliated with sand paper after a sexy times session.

Master douche David Blaine’s latest “stunt” has proven to be a complete waste of everyone’s precious time. David announced that he would hang upside down in NYC’s Central Park for 60 hours. What he failed to mention was that in that 60 hour period, he would stand on his feet several times during the day to be checked out. David would also be lowered down so that he could talk to the bitches who came to witness his douchebaggery for themselves. So basically, he didn’t hang upside down for 60 hours. Xtina’s husband, Bat Boy, is offended! He can hang by his feet longer than that shit.

Last night, David’s 60 hours were up and he was supposed to “death dive” into the ground. Guess what? He didn’t. I know. As soon as you pick yourself up off the ground, continue reading. David’s douche dive was something you can see at any community theater production of “Peter Pan.” David jumped from the platform while attached to some stupid wires and then he stopped about halfway down. David just hung there for a few seconds and then was whisked off into the night. Unfortunately, he wasn’t whisked off of the planet.

This Droopy Dog motherfucker is the fakest faker whoever faked. I know none of us paid to see this shit, but we did waste our time by reading about it on the Internet and/or watching it on TV. For that, David owes us! I want cold hard cash or a front-row seat to his “Dive of Death” redo over the Grand Canyon….without wires…..and with a pack of hungry wolves waiting at the bottom.

The wig has returned….. Except this one doesn’t look like it’s covered in Pepto-Bismol jizz and Brit Brit isn’t wearing it to cover up the crazy in her brains, she’s wearing it for work. Sigh. Here I was getting all excited thinking our gas station hopping, Frapp worshiping, pap beating, London holding, First Lady of Cheetos was back for more fun and games. Yes, that’s wrong of me to wish this. I’ll add this to the long list of things to discuss with my shrink this week.

Brit Brit channeled Mia Wallace in “Pulp Fiction” to shoot her video for “Womanizer” in Los Angeles last night. Cheeto Wallace! Actually, she kind of looks like Melanie Griffith in “Something Wild.” Shit, that movie is hot.

Here’s a few more of Brit Brit looking like Cheetopatra in need of a Lee Press-On makeover while leaving her shoot last night. Brit Brit’s slaves suck at covering her up from the pappies. What the fuck is her assistant doing? Yes, honey, we see that purse and it’s fugly! Now put it down and go get your master a Venti Frapp with extra extra whipped cream!

While going through these pictures of Zahara and her man servant shopping in Paris, I kept feeling like I had something in my teeth, a booger in my nose or perhaps I was just staring at her too closely. Zahara looked through my screen and stared me down. She obviously wasn’t pleased, so I quickly just looked away before she got even more pissed. I’m not going to compete with her. She could beat my ass with her eyes alone. Ty Ty can’t even do that.

The holy Brangelina family left France earlier this week and is now blessing Germany with their presence. The new Church of Brangelina is a 30,000 square-foot villa on Wannsee Lake and comes equipped with 14 bodyguards and a private chef. They are expected to stay there for 3 months while Brad Pitt films Quentin Tarantino’s “Inglorious Bastards.”

30,000 square-feet? It probably takes those kids weeks to finish a game of “Hide and Seek.” They have to bring water, granola bars and a flare gun with them. And 12 of the 14 guards are in charge of carrying around the kids, because if they walk more than 50 steps a day, the world’s axis shifts.

Here’s more of Princess Zahara and her lackey buying toys and whatever else she wants. I also threw in some pictures of Brad looking like a ripe banana while shooting a Japanese commercial in France.