Cruella de Stone asked a judge for permission to move her son Roan from his father’s home in Northern California to her house in Los Angeles. The judge rejected her ass and ordered that Roan must stay with his daddy. The judge also thinks Cruella is a batshit crazy mommy who needs shock treatment. Okay, he didn’t put it in those words exactly.

TMZ got a hold of some court documents that paint Cruella as a paranoid and overreactive bitch. Munchausen syndrome alert! Here’s some of the things the court papers state:

Cruella believed Roan had some kind of spinal condition, but didn’t give any evidence proving this. The judge wrote: “Mother appears to overreact to many medical issues involving Roan.”

Cruella claims she put her career on hold in order to raise Roan. The judge wrote: “If Mother has, in fact, limited her career to make herself available for Roan, she has done little to make this evident to Roan, his school or this Court.” (A note from MK: I think Hollywood put her career on hold for her years ago.)

Cruella wanted to botox Roan’s feet because they fucking smelled bad. The judge wrote that the “mother suggested that Roan should have Botox injections in his feet to resolve a problem he had with foot odor. As Father appropriately noted, the simple and common sense approach of making sure Roan wore socks with his shoes and used foot deodorant corrected the odor problem without the need for any invasive procedure on this young child.”

The judge went on to write that Phil “A Komodo Dragon Bit Off My Toe” Bronstein is always looking out for Roan’s well-being and that Cruella is basically doing the opposite.

About the Botox, I’ve heard it helping with pit stank, but never foot odor. Hey, it’s just a little prick of Botox. It can’t hurt that bad. Cruella’s precious nose shouldn’t be subjected to Roan’s rank feetsies.

While she’s at it, Cruella should also Botox his face a little bit. It’s best to start them young. And then when she’s finished there, she can lipo off his baby fat and get him some veneers. You know how unsightly some kids’ teeth can be. Better yet, just send him to Dr. 90210 for a full makeover and call it a day. Being a mother is so hard!

Magnificent chichi owner Salma Hayek was at the Balenciaga fashion show in Paris today with her ex-sugar daddy Francois-Henri Pinault. F.H.P. (as his friends call him and we’re all his friends) is also the father of Salma’s kid and the owner of Balenciaga.

Some nosy bitch watched their asses at the show and told People: “[They were] very friendly together, looking happy. They weren’t holding hands but were definitely side by side.” That must mean they are back together and she’s having his twins. Wait. If they were sitting side by side that means she’s having triplets! Triple the cash!

Another source said Salma and F.H.P. have been hanging around in Paris together for a few days now. They were also spotted in Los Angeles together a few weeks ago.

After today’s show, the two went back to the Plaza-Athénée where Salma is staying. Their daughter greeted them in the lobby.

They could be making nice for the sake of the kid, but I hope they are back together. They make a beautiful couple. She has gorgeous titties and he is so fucking rich looking. I look at him and my eyes become sparkly green dollar signs like in the cartoons. Besides, Salma needs to finish her gold digging mission by marrying Mr. Money Bags.

A train station in India has a problem with a bunch of bitchy ass monkeys bothering their passengers, so they hired a man to dress as a monkey to scare them off. By the looks of the dude’s uniform it looks like the only thing he’s scaring off are the passengers. Couldn’t they have given him a friendlier looking monkey costume?! He looks like some evil demon monkey! I bet his wife has a fucking heart attack every time he comes home.

He may look like a scary ass monkey to us, but he looks like a fool to the monkeys. You know those bitchy monkeys don’t give a human’s ass! They sit there, eating their bananas, scratching their red asses and laughing at the poor motherfucker crawling around like his back just went out. Those monkeys are thinking to themselves, “Ain’t that a bitch!”

Click here if you can’t watch the video above.

Thanks Vanessa

Leave it to Sienna Miller to turn the pap attention from her homewrecky ways into a money making opportunity! A judge in Britain gave her ass $27,000 in damages after the Daily Star publishes these pictures of her doing dry sex to an elevator door. Okay, she was really trying to hide from the paps. Sienna said she was in “distress” at the time the pictures were taken and the paps were clearly harassing her. Shortly after the pictures were published on September 11th, Sienna’s lawyers filed a lawsuit.

In addition to the $27k, the Daily Star was forced to say they are so sowwy for acting like big meanies. They published this statement this morning:

“We accept, as we said in the article, that Ms. Miller was extremely harassed and distressed by persistent pursuit and intimidating tactics adopted by numerous paparazzi in seeking to obtain photographs of her, including the very photograph that we published.

“We apologize to Sienna for publishing this photograph.”

I’m a little disappointed that Sienna sued over this shit. A true hardcore slut would get revenge by fucking all of the editors’ spouses, male or female. She could have used that bulldozer vagina of hers to get the last queef! Oh well. Now she can use that $27k to start the Sienna Miller Foundation for Needy Sluts.

Source: E! Online

Helena Bonham Carter was bouncing around London yesterday with her man and son wearing these things on her feet. I’ve seen this shit before. The spring is supposed to help with your back and hips or some shit. Spoiler alert! I don’t mind them so much. They sort of look like you made them yourself using an old sneaker, a spring from an office chair and a sofa leg, but least they don’t look like giant perforated rubber vaginas.

They would be even hotter if they had springs on the front part too. Then they would be perfect for kinky sexy times. You could hop on and off the peen like you were on a pogo stick.

Charlene DuPrey was released from the hospital only 2 hours after some mystery illness put her in there. Last night, Janet checked into the Royal Victoria Hospital in Montreal after she got sick during sound check. Janet’s rep still wouldn’t say what the issue was. Apparently, Janet has also canceled her show in Boston tomorrow night. RIOT!

When I first read about this shit, I figured Janet had grossness coming out of one of her holes. I figured she had the butt or mouth runs. But a source tells People that Janet has the common celebrity illness known as exhaustion. The source said that Janet’s touring schedule is wearing down on her 42-year-old body.

Janet’s gnome boyfriend Troll Dupri should be with her ass. He could run her a Calgon bath, make her some Sleepytime tea and put on the Emmy Awards. Seriously, the Emmy Awards will have you dreaming of anal beads and unicorns in 10-seconds flat. Instead of being with Janet, Troll was partying in NYC! A source close to him said: “If [Janet’s condition] was more serious he would’ve rushed to her side.”

That’s cold. It would only take Troll Dupri a second to get from NYC to Montreal! All he has to do is hop on the next rainbow and he’s there!